Alright, folks, it’s your Roastmaster General, Jeff Ross, here to break down the Nashville Predators’ dumpster fire of a game against the Pittsburgh Penguins. Buckle up, because this is going to be rougher than your uncle’s five o’clock shadow.

Nashville Predators

NuttyOutlaw13: Three goals in a losing effort? That’s like putting a cherry on a garbage sundae. You managed to score, but your plus-minus is uglier than a baboon’s butt. Minus four? I’ve seen better defense at a soccer game for toddlers.

JoshuaDuhaime: One assist and a minus-four rating? Your defense was about as effective as a screen door on a submarine. You got more giveaways than Oprah. “You get a puck, you get a puck, everybody gets a puck!”

79_Randymarsh2012: You were on the ice more than Zamboni fumes. Eleven face-off wins and a minus-four? That’s like being the best player on the worst team, which is exactly what you were. Maybe try playing on both ends of the rink next time.

xshepxrd: Two shots and a minus-four. Are you playing hockey or just sightseeing out there? You might as well have been wearing a “Welcome” mat because everyone walked all over you.

DEx3Ad: No points and a minus-five? Congratulations, you just set a new standard for futility. I’ve seen mannequins put up a better fight. Maybe spend less time in the penalty box and more time actually defending.

NE0N X 8: Fourteen saves and eleven goals against. That’s not a goalie, that’s a human sieve. You let more pucks in than a nightclub bouncer on ecstasy. Maybe try standing up once in a while, eh?

Pittsburgh Penguins

Eggman-1: Two assists and a plus-four? You’re smoother than a politician at a fundraiser. But let’s be honest, your opponents were basically gift-wrapping those opportunities for you.

Morrow_2867: Seven goals and one assist. Who are you, Wayne Gretzky? No, seriously, seven goals? The Predators’ defense was so bad, you could have scored blindfolded.

da_real_jarry: A goalie with nothing to do because your team’s offense was busier than a one-legged man in a butt-kicking contest. Twelve saves, three goals against. Looks like you had time to knit a sweater between shots.

xHyper-8: Two goals, six assists, and a plus-four. You were so dominant, you probably made the Predators question their career choices. Your performance was like a masterclass in humiliation.

lxNighthawk85xl: Two assists and a plus-four. Solid work, but let’s face it, playing against the Predators is like playing against traffic cones. You could’ve done it in your sleep.

Soloxdolox: Two goals, three assists, and a plus-four. You were out there playing chess while the Predators were playing checkers. Hell, they weren’t even playing the same game.

So there you have it, folks. The Nashville Predators got roasted harder than a marshmallow at a campfire, while the Pittsburgh Penguins skated circles around them. If the Preds want to win, they better start playing hockey instead of reenacting a bad comedy. This is Jeff Ross, signing off. Keep your chin up, Nashville—actually, on second thought, just keep it down. No one wants to see that face after this game.

Ladies and gentlemen, Jeff Ross here, the Roastmaster General. Get ready for some scorching burns because we’re diving into the St. Louis Blues’ epic meltdown against the Florida Panthers. But first, let’s talk about the main clown of the circus—Lispdoge, the former team owner who decided to torpedo his own squad. If your goal was to get banned, buddy, mission accomplished. Lispdoge in net was like a bad stand-up comic—nobody was laughing, and everyone wanted their money back.

St. Louis Blues

SA_Pliskin: Zero points and a minus-four rating. You were as effective as a screen door on a submarine. Maybe Lispdoge was too busy teaching you how to sabotage your own team.

ThaFoSix: Four shots and a minus-four. Your defense was more generous than Santa Claus on Christmas Eve. Did Lispdoge give you lessons on how to be invisible on the ice?

EL_R_O_O_K_I_E: One assist, but still a minus-four. You looked lost out there. Were you taking pointers from Lispdoge on how to aimlessly wander around?

Thee_Ghosty: One assist and a minus-four. You were more ghost than player. Did Lispdoge share his secrets on how to disappear in crucial moments?

Lispdoge: Let’s face it, you were about as useful as a chocolate teapot. Seven saves and six goals against? You’ve set a new low for goalies everywhere. Enjoy your ban, you’ve earned it.

XKYROU25: One goal, but a minus-four rating. You were scoring for the wrong team. Did Lispdoge teach you his masterclass in futility?

Florida Panthers

Popeskill: Three goals and a plus-four. You were skating circles around the Blues. You made Lispdoge look like he was standing still—which, let’s be honest, he probably was.

xShxyne: Two goals, one assist, and a plus-four. You dominated the ice like a pro. It’s like you were playing against traffic cones. Thanks, Lispdoge, for the assist!

Margo I: Three assists and a plus-three. You made setting up plays look easy. With Lispdoge in net, it was like shooting fish in a barrel.

Bray4x_Fyb: One goal, two assists, and a plus-four. You had all the space in the world, thanks to Lispdoge’s “defense.” Enjoy the free pass.

kinglorge124: No points but a solid plus-four. You didn’t need to score; Lispdoge handed you the game on a silver platter.

Fra75434QC: Didn’t have to break a sweat with Lispdoge’s stellar goaltending making sure you had an easy night. It’s like you were on vacation out there.

So there you have it, folks. The St. Louis Blues didn’t just lose; they got obliterated, with Lispdoge leading the charge into oblivion. If they want to salvage any pride, they better start by finding players who actually want to win, not ones who are trying to set records for the fastest bans in the league. This is Jeff Ross, signing off. Keep those sticks on the ice, unless you’re Lispdoge, in which case, just keep away from the rink entirely.

Ladies and gentlemen, Jeff Ross here, the Roastmaster General. Today, we’re talking about a game so lackluster, even the Detroit Red Wings couldn’t bother to show up. That’s right, Detroit decided to take a collective nap and handed the Chicago Blackhawks a forfeit win. It’s like watching a roast where the roastee didn’t even show up—just too easy. But don’t worry, we’ll still find a way to drag Lispdoge into this mess because, why not? He’s already made such a memorable mark with his antics.

Chicago Blackhawks

JHochman: Congratulations on your forfeit win. You didn’t even need to lace up your skates. If only Lispdoge had your ability to stay out of trouble, maybe he wouldn’t be banned from the league.

reimatttack34: No effort required today. I bet you didn’t even break a sweat. Imagine if Lispdoge put in as little effort on purpose; oh wait, he did, and look where it got him.

Hughsy28-: A freebie win must feel great. Unlike watching Lispdoge in goal, which is like witnessing a dumpster fire in slow motion.

DoubleD-DoubleX: Didn’t have to play, but still got the win. I guess even the thought of playing against you was too much for Detroit. That’s the kind of fear Lispdoge should’ve instilled in opponents, instead of just terrifying his own team.

John_Dean_16: You scored zero points but still ended up on top. I guess that’s one way to do it. Unlike Lispdoge, who couldn’t win a game if his life depended on it.

Fedorov91x: You could’ve watched Netflix and still got the W. Maybe recommend some good shows to Lispdoge while he’s got all that free time post-ban.

Detroit Red Wings

The Entire Team: Not showing up is one way to avoid embarrassment, I guess. But at least you didn’t have Lispdoge between the pipes actively sabotaging you.

Extra Roasts for Lispdoge

Lispdoge: Even when you’re not playing, you’re still the joke of the league. You’ve got more time now that you’re banned, maybe use it to learn how to not ruin a game. Hell, you could’ve joined Detroit in their no-show and it would’ve been a step up from your last performance.

So there you have it, folks. Detroit didn’t show up, Chicago got a free win, and Lispdoge remains the league’s cautionary tale. This is Jeff Ross, reminding you that sometimes the best way to win is to not play at all—unless you’re Lispdoge, in which case, just stay home permanently. Keep it real, folks, and try not to get banned.