Alright folks, let’s break down this game, Hinchcliffe style. If you’re easily offended, might wanna buckle up or just look away.

First of all, Florida Panthers…what the hell was that? It’s like they showed up just to prove how spectacularly they could fail. They had two goals over three periods, which is kinda like showing up to a gunfight with a water pistol.

Popeskill: You got an assist, congrats. But being a -4 on the ice? That’s like trying to save a sinking ship with a teaspoon. You had 2 shots and somehow still managed 7 hits. Dude, maybe try aiming those hits a bit more productively next time.

xShxyne: Scored both of their goals. Hats off to you, buddy. But again, a -4? You’re the guy who brings the snacks to the party but spills them all over the floor. Nice PIM count though, 4 minutes – were you trying to take a power nap in the penalty box?

Bray4x_Fyb: Zero points and a -4? Jesus. Zero shots, zero hits. Were you even there? Or did you decide to take a day off and contemplate your life choices while everyone else played hockey?

JubJJJJJub: Same story. You got zero points, minus four on the ice. A lone shot and 15 giveaways. I’m beginning to think your stick was made of butter.

Fra75434QC: Let’s not even talk about your save percentage. Facing 28 shots, letting in 9. It’s like you’re auditioning for the role of a human sieve.

Alright, let’s shift gears and talk about the Detroit Red Wings – the bullies who showed up to beat up on the sad Panthers.

Blade0Muffin: Solid performance, saving 7 out of 9 shots. Not spectacular, but compared to the Panthers’ goalie, you’re basically the second coming of Patrick Roy.

uStooPiiD: Four assists, +3 on the ice. Not bad for a guy whose name sounds like he forgot how to spell “stupid.” Six takeaways, man, you were like the Robin Hood of the ice.

xBeanZy-: Three goals, six assists. Nine points, +4. Dude, were you playing against toddlers? Because you made it look that easy. Also, great job not spending any time in the penalty box.

TokeNxsty: A hat trick and no assists. You’re like that guy at the gym who never skips leg day. Six shots, six penalty minutes. You play hard, you play mean. Respect.

BejimoSzn: Two goals, two assists, +4. Efficient. It’s like you knew exactly when to strike and when to hold back. Eleven shots, you were like a machine gun out there.

GerryySZN: One goal, four assists, +4. You were everywhere, doing everything. Seven takeaways. Dude, did you leave anything for the rest of your team?

So there you have it. The Florida Panthers got absolutely steamrolled, and the Detroit Red Wings looked like the Harlem Globetrotters out there. If you’re a Panthers fan, maybe find a new hobby. Like knitting. Something less painful to watch.

First up, the Chicago Blackhawks. These guys showed up and decided to lay waste to the Penguins like they owed them money.

Semple19: You scored three goals and had two assists. Five points, +3 on the ice. You were on fire. But those six shots on goal? It’s like you were trying to kill the goalie with kindness.

reimatttack34: One goal, three assists. Not bad, not bad at all. You were +3, but don’t let it get to your head. You had only one hit and zero penalty minutes. Were you afraid to get your hands dirty?

Psych_Funk19: Zero goals, one assist, and a +3 rating. Dude, were you just coasting out there? Zero shots, zero hits. I’ve seen ghosts more involved in the game than you.

Hughsy28-: One goal, four assists. Five points, +3. You were everywhere, but seriously, 20 faceoff wins and 12 losses? It’s like you were flipping a coin out there.

John_Dean_16: Two goals, two assists, +3. Nice, solid. Eight shots, but you also spent two minutes in the box. What happened? Did you need a quick break from showing off?

Fedorov91x: Seven saves, four goals allowed. You were good but not great. But hey, compared to the other goalie, you’re basically a superhero.

Now, let’s talk about the Pittsburgh Penguins, or should I say, the Pittsburgh Pigeons because they got absolutely wrecked.

Actiondave71: Zero points, -3. You were invisible out there. One hit? Wow, you really went above and beyond, huh? Maybe next time try actually playing defense.

Eggman–1: No goals, no assists, -3. You spent two minutes in the box. Was that a strategy? Because it didn’t work. Six interceptions though, that’s something, I guess.

XFrxncey: 30 shots faced, seven goals allowed. What were you doing? Trying to catch pucks with your eyes closed? Seriously, 23 saves won’t cut it when you’re leaking goals like a broken dam.

da_real_jarry: One goal, two assists. Not bad, but a -3 rating? You can score all you want, but if you’re not helping on defense, it’s pointless. Four penalty minutes too? What, were you trying to set a record?

xHyper-8: Three assists, no goals. You’re the king of assists but couldn’t hit the net yourself. A -3 rating, six hits, but nothing else to show for it. You should consider taking a nap next game.

WePlayNHL: Two goals, one assist, -3. You were doing double duty, scoring and losing. Ten faceoff wins, ten losses. You might as well have just agreed to disagree with the other center.

Overall, the Penguins got stomped. They were like a circus act out there, while the Blackhawks ran the show. If this keeps up, Penguins fans should consider switching to knitting – it’s less painful and you still get to use needles.

Alright, buckle up. This breakdown is going to hit harder than a cheap shot from a third-liner.

First up, the St. Louis Blues. These guys came out swinging, and by swinging, I mean they managed to not trip over their own skates.

SA_Pliskin: Two assists and a +4 rating. You’re like the teacher’s pet of defense, just enough to look good without actually scoring. Seven giveaways? Were you passing out pucks like they were flyers for your garage band?

ThaFoSix: One assist and a +4. One shot on goal and three interceptions. You play defense like my grandma plays Bingo—sometimes you win, but mostly you’re just happy to be out of the house.

BigLappy: Four goals, eight shots, and a +4. You were the only one who showed up to play. Four penalty minutes though? Were you trying to make it a one-man show out there?

Thee_Ghosty: Two assists and a +4. More like Thee Ghost, because you disappeared whenever it mattered. Four penalty minutes and ten giveaways. What, did you think this was an Oprah special?

Clarkzov-: One assist, +3. Two shots, ten faceoff losses. You were less effective than a vegan at a BBQ. Seriously, 14 giveaways? The only thing you’re defending is your right to suck.

LispDoge: 15 saves and three goals allowed. You were decent, but let’s face it, you’re like the least terrible contestant on a bad reality show. Congrats on being the best of the worst.

Now, let’s talk about the Nashville Predators. They played like their name suggests, if predators were the hunted.

NuttyOutlaw13: Three goals and a -4. You were a one-man army, but with the rest of your team, it was like watching Rambo with a cast of Teletubbies.

Randymarsh2012: One assist and a -4. Fourteen giveaways. Were you trying to set a record for most free giveaways in a game? Because you nailed it.

xRoyalFlushx911: One assist, -4. You must be named after a poker hand because your play was a gamble that didn’t pay off. Three giveaways and five interceptions—are you confused about which team you’re on?

ToMMy L28L: One assist, -4. Sixteen faceoff wins and ten losses. More like ToMMy LossLoss. Fifteen giveaways. At this rate, you should just hand out pucks at the door.

DEx3Ad: One assist, -4. Three shots and six giveaways. You were about as useful as a lifeguard at the Olympics. Do us a favor and sit the next one out.

NE0N X 8: 12 saves and four goals allowed. Your performance was like trying to stop a flood with a sponge. Maybe take up a hobby where letting things through is a good thing, like being a TSA agent.

In conclusion, the Blues barely scraped by, and the Predators… well, they should consider a new career. Like knitting, or perhaps mime artistry, because they sure played like they were stuck in an invisible box.