THIS IS A PARODY – Relax your tits!
Are you asleep reading that last article? Looking for some excitement in your life? Tired of the same blah blah blah from my lily-livered 3rd cousin, Randy Marsh? Well lucky you, my name is Hsram Ydnar. And I’m here to be your real source for SPNHL news. I don’t survive hurricanes, hurricanes survive me.
I am here to do a REAL breakdown. Not that hot dog water Randy and Doranz gave the SPNHL faithful. The toughest choice I had make was, do I read that junk they wrote or do I turn on the SPNHL podcast and listen to the most bland pathetic intro in all of podcasts. Give us some dang enthusiasm Cuban. Well the choice was easy, after reading the prior article doing about 69 seconds of research, here’s what I came up with.
Eastern Conference
Carolina Hurricanes
Owner: Doranz
Roster: xBradeii–, Lxppy–, Blade0Muffin, BejimoSzn, bxnana–, Jets76-bradyk14, FoxI14I, Bayest_King_Lu, TIMBOGY, X3_Svechnikov_X7
I ain’t doing ratings. Suck it. But I will give you this
Best pick: Lxppy (for where he was drafted, xBradeii was to obvious to pick)
Worst pick: Bejimoszn
Strengths: Offense and players that will actually play for their GM. All the scared GMs will regret letting guys like Bradei and Lxppy slip.
Weaknesses: Defense, based on talent everywhere else. Bejimoszn is easily the weakest link. He’s over here, over there, never where you need him to be.
Philadelphia Flyers
Owner: Hughsy28-
Roster: BoKnows88-, reimatttack34, Jcpens22, JonTurner15-, II-megga-II, Spelliscy_21, Maintenance_84, sportsgeek5, LispDoge, Spinnermcgee, Billyg7718, NYfrijoles
Best pick: Boknows88
Worst pick: Spinnermcgee LOL
Strengths: Balance in the starting line. I feel this team is extremely balanced that starts with a great d pair in Hughsy & Reimattack. Bo is a scorer that the offense will go as he does.
Weaknesses: I hate using this term because it’s usually everyones issue in SP, but Depth. I don’t see much outside of their top 6. Sportsgeek could compete with JonTurner for starting tendy. Doesn’t scream excellence.
Buffalo Sabres
Owner: Ustoopiid
Roster: kylej83, Ande91, KarlssonIsGod, Sniiider, Liljxgren, xsalda-, Clake, CabRelix, X7-Arrow-7X, ShadyKo4, Nomoderation, Savage_Eze26
Best pick: Kylej83
Worst pick: Clake and picking the Buffalo Sabres as your organization.
Strengths: Defense will be king in Buffalo. With uStoopiid (stupid spelled it wrong) and Kyle defending the crease all the goalie has to do is be awake. Or competent.
Weaknesses: Goaltending. With no true number one, The Sabres lack someone stopping rubber consistently. Also no depth at Center whatsoever.
Washington Capitals
Owner: Eggman–1
Roster: John_Dean_16, Fluri37, FreezeMothasucka, NowYoDead, Bray4x_Fyb, AlecMcLay7, PghFANATIC, Turdburgler169, Jockey138, Terrance2nice, RiCKYxBoBBYjr, Troyuh-_-
Best pick: John Dean
Worst pick: PghFanatic (probably one of the worst sp players of all time)
Strengths: Center Depth. Washington has two of the best Centers in all of SP. It pains me to say something so nice about Fluri. Oh and versatility.
Weaknesses: Scoring consistently will be a weakness for this team, John is capable of controlling the play but outside of him there just isn’t much there. It will take a surprise pick or sleeper to step up.
Toronto Maple Leafs
Owner: WheelChairDevon
Roster: Fishhure, Jhursi, Complexitii-, xMarucci–. Philmorin, teamrun420, pistolpete7788_, fatalfire16, Jeanthedon42, xPugz_420, Thee_Ghosty, bg9m9r
Best pick: Jhursi
Worst pick: Fishhure
Strengths: Only one I see is chemistry between Jhursi and Fishhure. Outside of that, nothing. Actually, so strong I didn’t have anything else to write about. Thanks!
Weaknesses: Compatibility, scoring, goaltending, do I need to go on?
Western Conference
Colorado Avalanche
Owner: SA_Pliskin
Roster: Hardie, rich2k8, scorezov, flowsoclean, itsbinklee, illusionz_13, race2chasee, sergein, tibod, reallUncleLarry, Mgm2425, sourrrBH
Best pick: Scorezov
Worst pick: Hardie, overrated. Basically shouldn’t have been picked first.
Strengths: This forward line is really good. Even though I made a comment about Hardie earlier don’t be fooled, this forward group is going to do a lot of damage.
Weaknesses: Defense, penalties and goaltending. Plisk loves a good bad hit which will lead to them killing a lot of penalties. I don’t see The Avalanche having the goalies to bail them out here.
San Jose Sharks
Owner: Randymarsh2012
Roster: Bxrt67, Philnee, Buckleyx14, Curtisx18x, IamSmokxy-_-, korrowan, xFlashify, Logan29-_-, Beeper_tha_1st_a, LaterSmitty, VBumqs-, Dooteees
Best pick: Bart
Worst pick: iamsmokxy
Strengths: Breakouts. When Bart plays this team will be able to breakout with the best of them. I expect them to be a top power play unit as well. Left side of the ice.
Weaknesses: Barts availability. I can’t see this going far without him. Smokey’s constant yapping will also be an issue. Randy could’ve done better. I taught him better.
Vegas Golden Knights
Owner: Shock_R
Roster: Beanzy, LeCupidon, premierplayer, Mr-_-Goobs, Thafosix, heroic_veil2, HAC_Rambo, Korrupto-777, pc3pseidon, A-Mason_4, xGilmour93, LUYEYEP123, Lieutenantemu
Best pick: Beanzy
Worst pick: Premierplayer
Strengths: Two great wingers in Beanzy and lecupidon. Literally nothing else.
Weaknesses: I don’t need to bring up Premierplayer here do I? No, no I don’t, everyone already knows. Much like Toronto, this team has nothing outside of two good forwards.
Calgary Flames
Owner: Chadkillz134
Roster: MrllolChico, Semple19, J_Sherminator, xShxyne, heedlessjem48, alonzi401, Washko86, Jubjjjjjub, Ndirishman22, Alltro1, Lyrad99, DustyRoads052
Best pick: J_Sherminator
Worst pick: Chico and Dustyroads
Strengths: Goaltending and versatile. Semple and Sherminator should produce at a decent pace.
Weaknesses: While I picked Chico as the worst pick it’s not skill related. He just simply wasn’t worth taking inside the top 5. Dustyroads is guy similar to Pgh. Just bad.
LA Kings
Owner: Cuban1616
Roster: DetAjax17, SliyumShady, EL_Rookie, IvanthyGreat, Mikey92123, xshepxrd, gamertagrequird, CTN_laneyboo, Martok77, we345_-, X_apex-killa_x, Play-boyPaul420
Best pick: Not one good pick but if I had to pick it be El Rookie. Sigh.
Worst pick: Sliyumshady
Strengths: Decent defense. Nothing else, I’m falling asleep trying to find another strength here.
Weaknesses: Cubans draft mentality. This GM missed on every single pick and I’m hoping this provides some locker room motivation to pull off some upsets. Im always rooting for the underdog but you won’t catch me placing any bets on The Kings.
I won’t be predicting any records or be giving out any grades. I thinks it pretty obvious who did great, good, average and flat out failed. I will go ahead predict the Carolina Hurricanes to win it all. I can’t tell you who they will be playing because the West reminds me of the circus from the Disney movie, A Bugs Life. In all reality this has potential to be one of the more competitive seasons in SP in a long time and I look forward to it, well until the first big trape that is. Get ready!
Better than Randy,
Hsram Ydnar