SPNHL, Season 37: Week One Power Rankings – “As The Days Go By”
By: Dirty-Dietrich
 
Growing up, my Dad played a TON of Talking Heads. I didn’t really like them at first, as I was more partial to nu-metal and bands like Disturbed, Limp Bizkit (“Chocolate Starfish and the Hot Dog Flavored Water” is a classic and I will take that opinion with me to the grave), and Linkin Park (they released nothing worth listening to after “Meteora”). However, as I grew older and my musical palette became more diverse, I gained an appreciation for the Heads and their other new wave contemporaries.
New wave, maybe some darkwave, classic goth-pop, and other related subgenres will likely be the theme of this season’s pre-article album reviews. As I dive deeper into the respective catalogues of The Smiths/Morrissey, New Order/Joy Division, Depeche Mode, Bauhaus, the Cure, Sisters of Mercy, and more, I find new gems and new musical experiences on a day to day basis. I’m gonna save the review for next week, but there will be plenty of allusions to the Talking Heads song “Once In A Lifetime” throughout the article. Enjoy!
 
Week one of season 37 is in the books, and it’s like we entered an alternate timeline in comparison to last season! Bufford and the Bolts got as many wins in one night as they did all season (almost had a perfect week, but they got stuck in the Oil), while the Leafs, under new management, found themselves at the bottom of the league. Sportsgeek continues to prove his detractors wrong and is locked in a three way tie for first place in the western conference, and Woytkiw played all 9 games for the first time in… it’s gotta be years, as he helped Pittsburgh take the third seed in the east. 
Some stories remain the same, however, as Anaheim failed to live up to their expectations again and are currently 6th in the west (oH mY goD, tHeY’rE gOnNa WiN iT aLl). In the east, we find Ottawa near the bottom of the conference. A bubble team that could easily make the playoffs, but still in familiar territory. Speaking of familiar territory, Marv and the Flyers aren’t living up to expectations after a disappointing week, while the Canucks also stumbled out of the gate and still haven’t submitted stats for their third game from Monday (hmm?)
Let’s take a closer look at these teams and how they did this past week! We’ll discuss their record, their (objectively) best players, their trending trajectory in the standings, and some notable stats from the team. We’re following the same formula as last season, folks, because if it isn’t broken, don’t fix it!
Also because I’m too lazy to think of a different way to do it. I tossed and turned for four hours last night until I finally fell asleep for four hours. Good times!
Let’s start with the eastern conference!
 
EASTERN CONFERENCE
1. Tampa Bay Lightning.
Record: 8-1-0.
MVP: hypey-.
Trend: Upwards (W1).
Notable Stats: 47 goals for (2nd), 80% penalty kill (2nd).
Bufford80 went 6-0 in net this past week as his Lightning went 8-1 to start the season, more than doubling their win total from last season. With the highest goal differential in the league at +19, the Bolts have been great in both ends of the ice with a defensive core led by PistolPete7788_ (13 points in 9 games) and DodgesBlueShells. Offensively, i9i-stamkos-i1ic (19 points in 7 games), bluedevil631 (20 points in 5 games), and hypey- (17 goals and 33 points in 9 games, 1st in the league for goals and 2nd in the league for points) lived up to their expectation as the league’s most dominant top line, and if this week is any indication, Tampa Bay will have continuous success throughout season 37.
 
2. Detroit Red Wings.
Record: 7-2-0.
MVP: LeCupidon.
Trend: Upwards (W4).
Notable Stats: 40 goals for (3rd), 46.2% penalty kill (13th).
“Same as it ever was…” is a great way of describing Detroit’s start to their season. Winning 7 of their 9 games, the Red Wings were all-systems-go on offense, including 16 points from the blue line (curtisx18x leads the way with 6 points, while Faaa_Kueue and Dedstarks put up 4 each). Eddie2708_ continues to thrive in net, winning 4 of his 5 games this week and stopping 82.57% of shots. Meanwhile, KIDMON3Y, Reapz2313, and LeCupidon are up to their old tricks, as Reap and Cupe are both averaging 3.5 PPG and over (Cupe leads the team with 17 goals (tied for the league lead) and 30 points) and continue to be the driving force of offense for the Red Wings.
 
3. Pittsburgh Penguins.
Record: 5-3-1.
MVP: vxWoytkiw8xv.
Trend: Upwards (W1).
Notable Stats: 46.4% powerplay conversion (1st), 38 goals for (4th).
“And you may find yourself in another part of the world!” is what Woy must be feeling, not wearing an Avalanche jersey for the first time in recent memory. Cookie_man_412 returned as a GM after narrowly missing the playoffs last season, and kept up the momentum that the Penguins had before their season ended prematurely. Bostonbruins_4_ (let’s hope he doesn’t quit on this team too) has excelled at defense thus far, while wade-belak also returns to Pittsburgh, but hasn’t been as successful as he was last season. ACK-stonerboy continues to be one of the best pivots in the league, winning 59.46% of his faceoffs, and vxWoytkiw8xv (with 16 goals and 16 assists for a team leading 32 points) is looking to cement his legacy as one of SP’s all-time best players.
 
4. New Jersey Devils.
Record: 4-2-2 (?).
MVP: TrueLegend07.
Trend: Upwards (W2).
Notable Stats: 75% penalty kill (4th), 30 goals against (6th).
It feels weird not being a Devil this season, but TrueLegend07 and bstieboydp are carrying on the slow start-strong finish tradition we set last season. AAli-21, DJ_DeaThSlapz85, and MayhemX113 adequately handled defensive duties, while goaltending was a struggle with Pensrul066 and dreamteamm66 not being able to get past the 75% threshold (why not use X-_-Pulver-_-X?). Meanwhile, bstie (13 points? Cmon, Betz!), toslick (26 points), and Legend (13 goals and 28 points) continue to be a force offensively and will have to score a lot to make up for New Jersey’s lackluster goaltending. 
 
5. Ottawa Senators.
Record: 3-4-2.
MVP: SA_Pliskin.
Trend: Sideways (W1).
Notable Stats: 78.6% penalty kill (3rd), 44 goals against (12th).
While the Senators got their clique this season, that didn’t bring first week success (even though they squeaked out a 4-3 victory against us after Plisk pushed rharmer into the net and got the tying goal called back, but I digress). The Senators had 6 defenders play this past week, with malf922 and PghFANATIC playing the majority of games. Wheelchairdevon8 won 2 of his 5 games while allowing 4.6 goals a game, while Fivestarcoock allowed 5 a game. Lo-Maximus and SA_Pliskin played 9 games a piece, with the latter scoring 14 goals in 9 games to go with his 126 hits. The Senators will grind you into the ground, but let’s see if their forecheck brings some success this season.
 
6. Philadelphia Flyers.
Record: 3-5-1.
MVP: Servnspike.
Trend: Downwards (W1).
Notable Stats: 44.4% powerplay conversion (4th), 20 goals for (14th).
I thought that availability would plague some other teams, but I don’t think any team suffered more this week than Philadelphia. Nobody on this team played more than 5 games at a categorical position, with Eggman–1 and Servnspike putting in 3 and 4 games respectively at defense. PEACEKEEPER500- and Carbeen- combined for 6 out of 9 games in net for the Flyers, struggling to keep their GAA below 3.5 and a save percentage below 75%. Pfarrcyde23 played 5 games and put up 9 points, while GrammyHands, this team’s first round pick, only played 3 games and added 4 points. Serv also played 2 games at forward and put up 5 points, and his versatility helped the Flyers keep their heads above water this week.
 
7. Toronto Maple Leafs.

Record: 2-7-0.
MVP: the724sniper.
Trend: Downwards (L2).
Notable Stats: 25% powerplay conversion  (11th), 45 goals against (13th).

“And you may ask yourself ‘how do I work this?’” Well, the question marks turned into exclamation points this past week, as Toronto only won 2 of their 9 games this past week. While their offense was respectable this past week with 31 goals, their defense and goaltending were not up to par. Dynasty1989 and GaMeRzBrOknThMbZ only played 5 games, but Dynasty finished with a +13 and it makes you wonder if the Leafs did their stats correctly. SgtVandoos only played two games this past week, but somehow obtained 3 losses but saved 80% of shots. xSalda- averaged 3.5 points in gis 2 games, and while Imperial_Blaze94 led the team in points, the724sniper averaged 2.5 points in his 4 games and was the shining star for the Leafs during a tumultuous week. If Imperial_Blaze94 starts doing stats correctly, we may see some more ugly and realistic numbers from Toronto.
 
WESTERN CONFERENCE
 
1. Edmonton Oilers.
Record: 6-3-0.
MVP: Buckleyx18.
Trend: Upwards (W3).
Notable Stats: 17 goals against (1st), 19% powerplay conversion (13th).
“And you may ask yourself ‘Well, how did I get here?’” That’s how I’m feeling after week one, as the Oilers are in a three way tie for first place in the western conference. After a 3-3 start, we won 3 straight games to conclude the week. rharmer3, DUPERMAN13, and ChiefTrout stepped it up on defence this past week and finished with a minimum +5. Ciulla19 won 5 of his 6 games in net (with a nice little shutty) while posting a 1.66 GAA and a .85 save percentage. DeathClxwn and I each broke double digits with a handful of games played, while Buckleyx18 scored 9 goals in 4 games and led our team in goals and points. With availabilities from our top players only getting better, expect Edmonton to do damage this season.
 
2. Minnesota Wild.
Record: 6-3-0.
MVP: chadkillz134.
Trend: Upwards (W3).
Notable Stats: 18 goals against (2nd), 82.4% penalty kill (13th).
Keep doubting Sportsgeek and he’ll keep surprising you, as the offensively challenged Wild (they would have scored more if San Jose and Anaheim didn’t forfeit on Friday) surged to a 6-3 record this past week. Sportsgeek5, shepard-88-, and SNAKE_-_PLISSKIN each scored three points from the blueline but combined for 48 takeaways, while the offense was handled by ItsNotEzPz, Beantwn_beatdwn, and CSM0419_ (who leads the team with 9 goals and 12 points in 5 games). chadkillz134 has returned to Vezina form, with a 2.57 GAA and an incredible .878% save percentage, and will likely backstop this team to the playoffs this season.
 
3. Winnipeg Jets.
Record: 5-2-2.
MVP: BRANN-THE-MANN.
Trend: Upwards (L1).
Notable Stats: 36 goals for (5th), 33% powerplay conversion (5th).
Bennie and the Jets were plagued by availability this week, not getting any games out of their first round pick in PBM_TroyJ or the highly touted Gallagher_11x. Nonetheless, they still managed to get 12 out of 18 points and make it a three-way tie for first in the west. ProdigyToLegend put up 8 points in 5 games from the point, and after I questioned their effectiveness, BROKEN9216 and Notorious250 delivered 10 points in their combined 10 games. Dophares2000 didn’t have the best week in net, so expect to see Glachs (.750%, SV 2.75 GAA) take over the starting job. iTzBartholomew scored 13 points in 6 games, while FatSxyCanadian, a TC, scored 13 points in 3 games, to complement BRANN-THE-MANN’s 18 points in 5 games. If Winnipeg’s depth is this good, imagine what will happen when they have their big guns out.
 
4. Vegas Golden Knights.

Record: 5-3-1.
MVP: Fluri37.
Trend: Sideways (L1).
Notable Stats: 50 goals for (1st), 22.2% penalty kill (14th).
Going into Friday’s games 4-2, the Knights seemed primed to finish first in the west after the first week, but a 1-1-1 night derailed their momentum heading into the weekend. The Knights relied heavily on Budz_780 this past week (he scored 9 points), as CaptCanada_ only played 4 games and Fluri37 put in 2 games (scoring 4 points). IceyAsylum23 played all but 1 game this past week, with a 4.0 GAA in his eight games. Not the best for a starting goaltender, but when you have JonFromEarth (13 goals and 22 points in 6 games), mjvoell4 (10 goals and 25 points in 6 games), and Fluri37 (15 goals and 31 points in 6 games, add that to his defensive totals for the league lead in points) as your top line, you only need to stop a few. Vegas might be taking a big gamble on Icey as their starter, but their top line will yield a large payout.
 
5. San Jose Sharks.
Record: 3-6-0.
MVP: NowYoDead.
Trend: Downwards (L5).
Notable Stats: 26 goals against (3rd), 24 goals for (11th).
“Visibility12 🦈 🏆03/08/2020 @Dirty-Dietrich – GM EDM: how you doing with the 6th in the west predictions?”
Almost got it, don’t chirp after your decent start to the season, as you may go on a 5 game losing streak like the Sharks here. After starting 3-1, these guys put on Hüsker Dü’s “Everything Falls Apart” and didn’t win a game for the rest of the week. Spencer_Knight30 and WakeDog19 had a respectable performance as a 1-2 duo (somebody fix Spencer’s stats, please), while Visibility12 and teamrun420 formed a cohesive defensive pairing for a team that didn’t give up many goals. WakeDog19 also put in 5 games on offense (only scoring 5 points, yikes) while NowYoDead guided the offense with 6 goals and 15 points in 6 games. Where is the rest of their team? Where’s Duchesne_x_10? Where’s Xx_Kapanen_Xx? They need to show up and start scoring for San Jose.
 
6. Anaheim Ducks.
Record: 3-6-0.
MVP: DudNastyy.
Trend: Downwards (L4).
Notable Stats: 45.5% powerplay conversion (t-1st), 22 goals for (13th).
“Same as it ever was…” Anaheim finds themselves not living up to their high expectations for the second season in a row, and finds themselves in the 6th seed after a rough start. Another team that simply isn’t scoring (or showing up, from what I hear), PXSTRNAK-_- and xSilky93 put in the most work at defense for the Ducks, which is 7 games/7 assists. Defaults-Potato won 3 of his 4 starts for Anaheim, while his backup in NHLBEAST- saved 80% of shots, but I believe we’re still waiting for stats from the 10-1 game they lost. Diirty_triix_13 had 9 points combined from his 3 games at forward and 1 game at defense, while DudNastyy scored just under half of this team’s goals with 10 in 5 games (to go along with 7 assists). Will Triix act quick to turn his season around, or have the same fate as last season?
 
7. Vancouver Canucks.
Record: 2-6-0 (man, these GMs are getting lazy).
MVP: Myles_Mayfield96.
Trend: Downwards (L2).
Notable Stats: 20 goals for (t-14th), 48 goals against (14th).
Vancouver were a team we worried about in previous articles and broadcasts, citing their lack of offensive talent. Well, they didn’t do as bad as Tampa did last season, but didn’t have the best start here as they find themselves at the bottom of the conference and the league. Steelersfan26 and Cuban1616 handled the majority of the duty at defense, combining for -27 after a poor first week. tripZ504 played 2 games at defense and 6 games in net, allowing 33 goals against (5.5 GAA) and stopping 70% of shots. xHAC_Rambo scored 5 points in his 3 games, while TopCheeseNeon averaged a point in his 4 games. Myles_Mayfield96 scored 5 goals in his 4 games to lead the team in goals and points, but they’ll need more contributions from zzzRy0 and Heroic_veil2 going forward if they want to escape from the basement.
 
While having a bad first week can be critical for some teams, resulting in blowing the team up and making questionable trades, teams must regroup after a poor performance in their first 9 games. Conversely, teams who had a great first week must not get too arrogant; 9 games is a small sample and doesn’t dictate a team’s performance over their whole season. A good start can be quite beneficial, but can leave you complacent and not willing to improve. I’ve been guilty of that in the past with teams in other leagues, and want to make sure that others learn the lessons that I have.
Make sure to join us for SPNHL: Off the Ice every Saturday, live on twitch at https://twitch.tv/thespnhl_media. Fluri, Pliskin, some guests (if we actually take the time to prepare), and I will cover the events that unfolded in the league this past week, answer questions for the commissioner, and chat about general nonsense. If you missed any episodes (trust me, you want to hear the week one recap, we pulled no punches), you can watch the archived footage and while you’re there, subscribe and turn on notifications so you never miss a show!
With that being said, I wish all teams the best of luck in week two! May the basement dwellers turn their luck, and may the kings fall!
See you on the ice!
– DD.