SPNHL, Season 36: The Boys Are Back in Town – First Round Predictions & Top Players
By: Dirty-Dietrich and ProbableKoz
Well, I couldn’t stay away long. I thought after retiring from SP last December, I wouldn’t see myself back in the league for a few years. However, with the loud cries from the community, the voice of SP has returned and is ready to deliver the best media content this league has seen in a few seasons. Also, my old friend/owner/pain in my (and everybody’s) ass Kozmo has returned to help out with the media this season, after retiring from competitive leagues altogether.
Welcome back everybody to the SPNHL! Congratulations to the Carolina hurricanes, the winners of the season 35 Stanley Cup, but now we must move on to bigger and better things, such as one of the largest SPNHL seasons in recent memory! This season, we have 14 teams, a far cry from the 8 we had last season. I’m calling this the reunion season because a lot of old faces (such as your’s truly) are coming back into the fold. We’ve got our Hawaiian shirts on and our golf bags on standby, as we get ready for an exciting summer season of the SPNHL!
With all these returns to the league, the talent pool is one of the deepest we have seen in quite some time. There are some very experienced GMs in Reapz, Triix, TrueLegend, and Eggman who are giddy like a teenager in an Apple Store with all this talent on the board, and some relatively new owners in Devon, NYD, Geek, and EXE who may not be as informed as others on this panel of the talent presented before them. Well, we’re here to help with that, being the ever so generous and championship winning (well, one of us) owners we are.
So, we hypothesized how the first round of the draft would go, as well as some honorable mentions. We included the pick, transactional details if necessary, some background about the team’s construction, and the justification for the drafting of said player (career stats, reputation, all that jazz). We probably made a bunch of mistakes but whatever, we’ll grade ourselves after. Koz sounded like he was a few deep when we made this list.
Regardless, let’s get to it!
Pick: 1.
Team: Nashville Predators.
GM: Kapanen.
Player: Kylo_Reli.
Reasoning: with their knowledge of additional leagues, Kapanen and his resignee Prodigy would take what some might see as a chance in picking a rookie to SP in Kylo_Reli. However, Reli’s reputation in the community as a fantastic player (formerly known as Malkin) precedes his entry into SP, and makes him more than worthy of a first round pick. Add in his existing relationships with his two teammates, and this seems like a sure fire pick for Nashville. Kozmo said he would bet $10 on this pick, I’m still debating if I want to take that action.
Pick: 2.
Team: Boston Bruins.
GM: ChadKillz.
Player: DeathClxwn.
Reasoning: the boy wonder of SP and a top pick in multiple leagues, the Clown is back in town and is likely heading to Boston. With Chad resigning Snake, the Bruins have two reliable players holding down their back end, so it makes complete sense that they would take a franchise center with their second overall pick. Clown’s SP career has brought him 491 points in 174 games, and can carry offenses with ease, proving it multiple times throughout his competitive NHL career.
Pick: 3.
Team: Calgary Flames.
GM: NowYoDead.
Player: Mclub326.
Reasoning: NowYoDead has been around this league for a long time, and seen some of it’s best players come and go. With the third overall pick, Kozmo and I feel that Mclub is the logical choice for the Flames. An incredibly talented RW/C who will create a very effective duo with Fluri on their top line, mclub comes into this season with 152 points in 55 games, and an absurd 42.77 shooting percentage and has 9/9 availability. Expect NYD to do the right thing here, at least according to us, and pick up one of the best available right wingers.
Pick: 4.
Team: Anaheim Ducks.
GM: Diirty_Triix.
Player: Su_Dzy.
Reasoning: the Ducks resigned Tommyboii and traded him to the Chicago Blackhawks for this pick, a good deal if you ask DD. Triix is a very effective C who is comfortable on offense or defense, and will pair nicely with one of the most dynamic players in the league. With two Cups and a Conn Smythe to his name, Sudzy has a track record that speaks for itself as one of the most dominant players to ever grace the ice of the SPNHL. With a career 3.7 points per game (and 399 goals in 184 games), expect the Ducks to be dominant if this pick is accurate.
Pick: 5.
Team: Ottawa Senators.
GM: wcdevon8.
Player: Lo-maximus.
Reasoning: Devon kept the age-old tradition of resigning Pliskin alive, and you have to believe that his guidance will be heavily leaned upon. In that case, we believe that Plisk will grab his old buddy in Lo-max, who will mesh nicely with this team down the middle. A risk free pick, Lomax has plenty to offer with experience at each position, but thriving as a forward with a 2.5 points per game over his 416 game career in the position. His offensive contributions will be heavily relied upon in the Capital City.
Pick: 6.
Team: Pittsburgh Penguins.
GM: Cookieman.
Player: ACK-stonerboy.
Reasoning: Cookie is taking over his hometown team, and looking to keep Adam in the same Penguins uniform he is (in)famously known for. With their first round pick, we feel that they’ll get somebody that they’re familiar with in Stonerboy. Armani Calvin Klein (ACK) is a former first overall pick in the SPNHL, and has shown great aptitude for whatever position he is in. He will likely be playing C for this team, and has scored 2.4 points per game in his 348 games at forward. Maybe we’re wrong. Not usually though.
Pick: 7.
Team: Minnesota Wild.
GM: Sportsgeek.
Player: Whitetees41.
Reasoning: fresh off a lengthy playoff run in another league, Sportsgeek re-signed JonFromEarth, the former GermanGretzky, and gave the Wild a solid defensive foundation. With their inexpensive price tags, the Wild can go out and get the most expensive player in the draft at $8 million in Whitetees. An incredibly talented left winger with a standard for excellence throughout the community, he has averaged 3 points per game over his SPNHL career and will be the player leading the Wild’s offense this season.
Pick: 8.
Team: Anaheim Ducks..
GM: Diirty_Triix.
Player: Sabres1414.
Reasoning: with their second pick in the first round, the Ducks are going for the best talent available, and we feel that one of the best defenders on the list is sabres. A point leader at the blueline in other leagues, sabres is an absolute steal with 9 games of availability and an affordable $3 million price tag. A defender capable of contributing just as much offensively as defensively, Anaheim will be an powerhouse in the offensive zone and overwhelm teams all season long.
Pick: 9.
Team: Colorado Avalanche.
GM: Eggman.
Player: PBM_TroyJ.
Reasoning: Returning to management after a lengthy absence, Eggman is looking to rebuild the dynasty that he once had in Colorado, and started off strong with the resigning of Woytkiw. In the first round, we see them picking up Troy. A professional eSports player with top level management experience in other leagues, the former BradyTkachuk7 scored 90 points in 19 games last season, and would be a welcome addition to an Avalanche squad that is determined to return to the promised land.
Pick: 10.
Team: Detroit Red Wings.
GM: Reapz.
Player: Capitalsfan_08.
Reasoning: the gatekeeper of SP and it’s third all time leading scorer (behind Triix and Jayscott), Reap resigned Cupidon and looks to continue their relationship as offensively consistent linemates. However, Kozmo feels that Reap won’t draft Kid in the first round, a mistake if you ask me, and we think the player best suited to fill the slot between them is Capitalsfan. A phenomenal centre that has achieved success in multiple leagues, Caps will be a welcome addition to an offense that knows how to generate and convert scoring chances.
Pick: 11.
Team: Toronto Maple Leafs.
GM: EXE.
Player: Detajax17.
Reasoning: Exe returns to Toronto and re-signed as an all-time SPNHL great in Gucci__Gui / Go_marc. With their offense basically taken care of (Marc carried my ass to 40 goals one season), they will fortify their defense with Ajax, one of the best defenders available in the draft. A stellar two-way defender, Ajax is averaging one point per game from the blueline over his SPNHL career and will guide the Leaf’s defenses to a successful season. God, it would be nice if it were like that in real life.
Pick: 12.
Team: Tampa Bay Lightning.
GM: Bufford.
Player: KIDMON3Y.
Reasoning: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure, as Bufford is going to scoop Kidmon3y up if Reap passes on him. Resigning Shepard and sticking with reliable faces, Tampa Bay may be the old guys’ team this season. Kidmoney is no slouch though, with a career 2.6 PPG over 621 games. One of the most experienced players in the SPNHL, Kid will be a welcome addition to a team full of versatile players. Expect him to play C and Buff to play RD to solve the issue of three RW’s on this team when Money gets picked up.
Pick: 13.
Team: New Jersey Devils.
GM: TrueLegend.
Player: Uberpwned_6969.
Reasoning: after coming up short in game 6 of the finals last season (and game 7 in the season prior), True looks to build another championship caliber team and started out right by resigning Bstieboy. With an offensively gifted duo already, expect the Devils to look to their blueline and put Uber right there. With 9 games a week at a $4.5 million salary this season, Uber is very familiar with both of the forwards on this team, and will fit right in to their fast paced-grinding style and give the Devils a very solid core to build upon.
Pick: 14.
Team: Vegas Golden Knights.
GM: SliyumShady.
Player: The-Statistician.
Reasoning: we were originally gonna go with Jason, but we feel that The-Statistician would be the likely choice of the Golden Knights. Fresh off their Stanley Cup victory, Sliyum and the Knights resigned Sedinpower and have the foundation for another Cup run already. While Statistician is another rookie to the SPNHL, he can be compared to Reli in terms of success and reputation and it’s not feasible to see him ending up in the second round. His availability may be limited, but don’t be surprised to see that 4 games stretched to 6 on a weekly basis.
Did everybody follow along? No? Alright, lets review:
1 Nashville Predators Kapanen – Kylo_Reli
2 Boston Bruins ChadKillz – DeathClxwn
3 Calgary Flames NowYoDead – Mclub326
4 Anaheim Ducks (via Chicago Blackhawks) Diirty_Triix – Su_Dzy
5 Ottawa Senators wcdevon8 – Lo-maximus
6 Pittsburgh Penguins Cookieman – ACK-stonerboy
7 Minnesota Wild Sportsgeek – Whitetees41
8 Anaheim Ducks Diirty_Triix – sabres1414
9 Colorado Avalanche Eggman – PBM_TroyJ
10 Detroit Red Wings Reapz – Capitalsfan_08
11 Toronto Maple Leafs EXE – Detajax17
12 Tampa Bay Lightning Bufford – KIDMON3Y
13 New Jersey Devils TrueLegend – Uberpwned_6969
14 Vegas Golden Knights SliyumShady – The-Statistician
 
There were plenty of players who could have been picked in that first round, so let’s give them a little bit of credit. We compiled a list to do so!
Honorable Mentions
1. Fear_mjolnir_22: Mjolnir has had great success in multiple levels of other leagues, where he has plenty of experience with Kapanen and Adam. Don’t be surprised if the Predators or the Penguins pick him up in the second round.
2. PistolPete7788_: my boy! Petey is an all-time SPNHL great, recently making the transition from left wing to left defense and doing so in award winning fashion. A lot of teams could take him for a risk-free pick, as PP has full availability and would fit nicely in Tampa Bay or Calgary.
3. XM1n1atur3P33nxX: DD was a big advocate for Peen as even though he’s a bit of a hothead, the guy is still one of the best utility players out there. Going left wing this season, it’s not a far fetched idea to see him land in Colorado or Vegas.
4. FreezeMothaSucka: Freeze has emerged over the past few seasons as one of the most sought after defenders, with his physical style being a rare commodity in the community. His physicality doesn’t impact his overall play, as his responsible defensive ability makes him an ideal target for teams like Chicago and Detroit.
5. IvanThyGreat: a long time member of the SPNHL community, Ivan has the offensive ability and the availability to make an impact on whatever team he is on. Minnesota or Ottawa seem like likely destinations for this affordable yet talented left winger.
6. Fivestarcoock: when Five is on his game, he’s one of the best goalies in the league. When he isn’t, he’ll tear locker rooms apart with ease. With his high-risk nature, expect Pittsburgh or Anaheim to be the home of the coock.
7. Toslick: Kozmo didn’t think I should put Slick on here but you know what, fuck you, Kozmo. Toslick is a polarizing figure with a trophy case as big as his ego, seemingly perfect for Toronto or Boston.
8. Servnspike: Serv and Pete are like family to me, so I had to throw the former on here. Serv is one of the most reliable hands in the league, capable of playing any position but a fantastic defender who will likely find a home in New Jersey or Ottawa.
That’s all for now folks. Tune in to https://www.twitch.tv/probablekoz on May 5th at 7:45 pm as we go live with the pre-draft State of SP address from big boss Pliskin himself, and then we will roll into our draft show with a number of special guests. Kozmo and I will probably be drunk on Sangrias after a nice Cinco de Mayo celebration, and we encourage all of our viewers to send pictures of their tacos to us. <3
Good luck to all the GMs entering this draft, and good fortune to all the players eligible for the draft. I know I’ll be looking forward to not going to Boston. 🙂
Cheers,
DD & Kozmo.