www.THESPNHL.com

Recap

Post-Game Breakdown: Detroit Red Wings vs. Chicago Blackhawks

Ohhh, you’re gonna wanna sit down and crack a cold one for this breakdown, boys. The Detroit Red Wings absolutely chirped the Chicago Blackhawks right out of the rink, turning a snooze-fest into a clinic on how to wreck a team’s night. This is Shoresy, and lemme tell ya how it went down.

First Period: Detroit showed up like your dad’s old Chevy—rusty and stalling. Zero goals, zero power plays, zero entertainment. The Blackhawks took advantage, slipping one past Blade0Muffin. Yeah, you heard that right. Blade0Muffin, the goalie who probably still sleeps with a nightlight, let in the only goal Chicago managed all game. We’re talking about a performance so weak it made wet toilet paper look strong.

Second Period: Both teams played like they were hungover from last night’s fish fry. Detroit’s defense was tighter than my granny’s grip on her bingo dabber, with xPanarin and uStooPiiD laying hits like they were mad someone ate the last poutine. Chicago, on the other hand, couldn’t score if they were the only sober guys at the bar. A whole lotta nothing went down in the second, but hey, at least nobody embarrassed themselves any further.

Third Period: Oh baby, Detroit finally remembered they were supposed to win this thing. xBeanZy- decided to take matters into his own hands, scoring two goals and putting up an assist like he was the only one who remembered to show up to the game. BejimoSzn also joined the party, racking up a goal and two assists. By this point, Chicago looked like they were skating with concrete boots. Not a single power play goal to their name, and their attempts? Let’s just say they had about as much success as me trying to talk to a girl without chirping.

OT and Final Score: Ha! Overtime? What overtime? Detroit wrapped it up neatly in the third, no need for any extra shenanigans. Final score: Detroit Red Wings 3, Chicago Blackhawks 1. Detroit didn’t just beat Chicago; they sent them home with a signed postcard saying, “Better luck next time, ya benders.”

Stats and Standouts:

xPanarin: 2 assists, 2 +/- and probably the only guy on the ice who remembered to tape his stick.

Blade0Muffin: Stopped 12 out of 13 shots. Sure, he let in one, but the guy was busier than Sanguinet trying to get squeezers.

uStooPiiD: With a name like that, you’d expect dumb plays, but nope, solid defense and kept the Hawks off the scoreboard in the second and third.

xBeanZy-: The MVP with 3 points. Played like he had something to prove, probably chirping the Hawks the whole way.

On the flip side, the Blackhawks:

reimatttack34: Only goal scorer for the Hawks, but with a -2 rating, he was like that one guy who brings a knife to a gunfight.

Fedorov91x: Poor goalie faced 12 shots and let 3 in. Can’t win a game with Swiss cheese for defense in front of ya.

Chirps of the Game:

“Hey Fedorov, you miss more pucks than your mom misses you at dinner!”

“Crazyflame29? More like CrazyLame, bud. Nice job staying invisible out there.”

“John_Dean_16, bet you wish you stayed in bed this morning, eh?”

So there you have it, folks. The Red Wings took the Blackhawks to school, and if the Hawks don’t tighten up, they’ll be stuck in remedial classes for the rest of the season. Keep your sticks on the ice and your chirps sharp, boys. See you next game!