www.THESPNHL.com

Recap

Holy fuck, boys, did you see that shitshow of a game last night? The Pittsburgh Penguins somehow pulled off a win against the Chicago Blackhawks, 2-1. It was like watchin’ Randy try to quit cheeseburgers—painful and surprising all at once. Ricky: Alright, so the Penguins started off slower than Lahey sober. No goals in the first two periods, but then they pulled their heads outta their asses and scored two in the third. That goalie, Froncy or whatever, he was like a steel trap—only let in one goal outta 16 shots. Reminds me of the time I tried to play goalie with a broken mop and a garbage can lid. Same results, boys, only less garbage. Bubbles: Ricky, it’s XFrxncey, not “Froncy.” And yeah, he did good, but it’s all about teamwork. Cuban1616 and vVxsion were solid on defense, bud. Even had some nice passes, like I do with my kitties’ toys. Kept the Blackhawks from goin’ crazy. Julian: Yeah, Rick, the Penguins got their act together just in time. Those forwards—levachkin, Morrow_2867, and S-U-D-Z-Y—finally woke up. levachkin and S-U-D-Z-Y with those goals, like a couple of rock stars. They were hittin’ and grindin’ like we do on a Saturday night at the bar. And Morrow, even without points, was hustlin’ like he’s tryin’ to sell dope to buy a new car. Bubbles: Julian, you got it. But Chicago wasn’t sleepin’ either. Hughsy28- and John_Dean_16 were pushin’ hard. Hughsy had an assist and John even managed to score, but it wasn’t enough. They were tryin’ harder than Ricky at his grade 10 math exam, but still flunked. Ricky: Bubs, it’s grade 12 math, not grade 10. Jesus, Murphy. Anyway, the Blackhawks’ goalie, Fedorov91x, he was like a one-legged cat tryin’ to bury a turd on a frozen pond. Let in two goals on eight shots. Not great, but his defense left him hangin’ like Lahey on a bender. Julian: Exactly, Rick. Chicago’s defense was a mess. Semple19 and reimatttack34 were tryin’, but it was like watchin’ Cory and Trevor try to run a scam—total disaster. They were -1 for the game, which is like gettin’ caught stealin’ chicken fingers from the grocery store. Bubbles: Julian, we don’t need to be runnin’ more scams. We’re lucky we’re not in jail right now. But hey, I got an idea. Why don’t we open a hockey clinic, teachin’ kids how not to play like the Blackhawks? We can charge a fee and make some money. Ricky can show ’em how to shoot, Julian can teach ’em how to hustle, and I’ll take care of the details. Ricky: Bubs, you’re onto something. We could call it “Trailer Park Hockey Skills.” Show ’em how to play like pros and drink like champs. I’ll teach ‘em my special move, “The Lahey Leap,” where you dive face-first into the boards to get the puck. Julian: That’s a solid plan, Bubs. We can make some serious cash. Maybe even enough to get a new roof for the trailer and a few cases of rum. Just gotta keep Randy out of it, or he’ll eat all the profits. Bubbles: Alright, boys, let’s do it. But first, let’s celebrate the fact that the Penguins pulled off a win, the Blackhawks sucked, and if anyone says different, they can fuck right off. It was like watchin’ a cat fight in a dryer, and I fuckin’ loved it. Julian: Right on, Rick. Let’s get a drink, let’s go to the rippers to celebrate, and start planning our hockey clinic. Bubbles: Sounds good, boys. think margaret will be there?