SPNHL, Season 31: Week Four Review
By: Dirty-Dietrich
As I spend another Monday morning and afternoon commuting to and from school, I find it’s time to write another article (I haven’t been asked about it yet, it’s like a brave new world). I think I put more time into this than my actual assignments, but fuck it. Worth it.
As we approach the final 9 games of the season, there is tension in the air of the SPNHL. All the rosters are now firmed up, so if you’re a GM who is pissed about your team’s play or a player who wants out, you’re shit outta luck. You gotta put your foot on the pedal and give it everything you got in order to get closer to championship glory. Making the playoffs is the first step, and one that requires the desire and commitment of everybody on board.
You may think the playoffs seeds are set in stone, but the only mathematically guaranteed playoff team is, you guessed it, the Colorado Avalanche. Another dominant season has claimed their first seed in the west, but the rest of the conference is still battling for a spot. The Knights, Jets, and Oilers are only separated by 7 points, and the third seed Knights could fall out of the playoffs completely if the rest of the pack surges. Never count yourselves out in the wild world of the SPNHL.
The regular season portion of season 31 is coming to a close, and this article introduction is following suit. Let’s see who’s got the momentum heading into this final week, who has to turn things around, and who might be one step closer to winning that Stanley Cup.
WESTERN CONFERENCE
1. Colorado Avalanche
Points: 61.
Trend: Upward.
MVP: Go_Marc.
Colorado maintained their stranglehold on the league with 7 wins this past week, and they are pretty much a lock for their second consecutive President’s Trophy. The Avalanche are allowing a league lowest 63 goals (less than 2 per game) and having a staggering goal differential of +69. A big part of their offense this season has been Go_Marc, who should be in the conversation for the Hart trophy. On what people perceived to be a weaker Colorado team, Marc has proven to be one of the most dominant players (42 goals and 44 assists in 29 games while being +53) on a championship caliber team. Will the Avalanche be the new Islanders and get a 4th cup?
2. Anaheim Ducks
Points: 45.
Trend: Upward.
MVP: Snipeshotty.
As they are now known, the Underducks (I think the trio of Shadow, Koz, and Ush came up with that rough nickname) are the underdogs no more, getting 13 points in a critical week 4. Their goal differential is still in the negatives (-1), but it doesn’t matter when you’re winning the majority of your games. Kozmo, Shadow, and Bean all claimed this, and the numbers don’t lie: Snipe has been the best player for the Ducks. He has faced more shots than any other goalie in the league (590) and has one of the best save percentages in the league (.861%). Will Snipe and the Underducks make a deep run in the playoffs?
3. Vegas Golden Knights
Points: 40.
Trend: Sideways.
MVP: Stoner.
Vegas accumulated 11 points in a week that wasn’t the strongest for this team, but enough to solidify their place as third seed in a very competitive playoff race. Their offense has cooled down a bit, but their goaltending duo in Sliyum and Doug are playing exceptionally well and winning the Knights some big games. The arrivals of Cuban and Uber will boost their blueline and pair well with GodsPlan. Stoner has amassed 37 goals for the Knights (4th in the league in that category) and has been dominant in the faceoff circle, winning more draws than anybody while retaining a 54.61 faceoff percentage. With a seemingly defensive style, the Knights might be the team to match up to the Avs come playoff time.
4. Winnipeg Jets
Points: 36.
Trend: Downward.
MVP: Kidmoney.
Winnipeg had a bit of a rough week, only getting 7 of a possible 18 points in a very crucial week. This inspired Reap to make a couple moves, sending toslick to the Sharks in return for another dynamic winger in Puckzone. Trading for a similar style of player is an interesting move, but will this be enough to spark the Jets’ engines and score some goals (they’ve got a -16 goal differential) as we enter an ever important week 5? Reaper’s assist total is crazy (44 assists, good for third in the league), but it’s been Kidmoney’s contributions in both the goal (28) and assist (32) column that make him the best player on the Jets. Both he and Reap need to step their game up this week if they want to hold that final playoff spot.
5. Edmonton Oilers
Points: 33.
Trend: Sideways.
MVP: LeCupidon.
Edmonton only got 8 points in week four, but was fortunate to close the gap between their team and the Jets by a point. They’ve got the second most goals against in the conference with 121, but their impressive offense is keeping their goal differential even and are giving this team a good chance to make it into the playoffs. His teammate Arrowhunter is second, but LeCupidon leads the league in assists with 55 and has been the best player for the Oilers for the majority of the season, and is an early candidate for the Hart trophy as he is tied for second in the league with 86 points in 31 games. He’ll need a lot of points in 9 games if he wants to play in the playoffs with the rest of his Oilers.
6. San Jose Sharks
Points: 24.
Trend: Sideways.
MVP: Single_G6.
The Sharks have been stuck in the mud for the past few weeks, never accumulating more than 8 points on a week and only gaining 7 this week. However, they ended the week on a winning streak and made a big move in acquiring toslick, who could form a dangerous line alongside Joe and G6. G6 remains this team’s (statistically, slick. Calm down) best player, and should be in consideration for the Selke trophy. He is able to produce offensively with 20 goals and 26 assists in 21 games and defensively with a giveaway to takeaway ratio under 3:1 and a 54.55 faceoff percentage. Scalz may want to thing about keeping him around for next season.
EASTERN CONFERENCE
1. Philadelphia Flyers
Points: 48.
Trend: Upward.
MVP: Pete! La Pistola! The Greek Geek!
Philadelphia continues to be a top team in the Eastern Conference, as they hold on to that first seed for the second consecutive week. They’re second in goals scored (120) and fewest goals against (84) in the conference, and are getting significant contributions at all ends of the ice. Chad the Bitch has been exceptional in net (the guy is really good at CoD too), but Pete’s resurgence has been one of the best stories of the season, as he is fifth in the league in points (80), third in the league in goals (41), and fourth in the league for takeaways (86). Philly Pete and the Flyers seem ready for a deep playoff run.
2. New Jersey Devils.
Points: 46.
Trend: Upward (ALL THE WAY UP).
MVP: Rich2K8.
My goodness did we have a bounce back week! New Jersey won 8 of 9 games this week and are riding a 6 game winning streak, while the focus has shifted from offense to a stronger team defense. Their goals against average continues to drop and they now win closer, low scoring games. However, Rich continues to be an offensive powerhouse in this defensive system, as his goal total has climbed to 59 and his point total has climbed to 90, both good for the league lead. Will the winning streak continue this week? NOT WHEN PLISK SCHEDULES US AGAINST COLORADO TWICE.
3. Tampa Bay Lightning.
Points: 43.
Trend: Upward.
MVP: aali.
The Bolts remain competitive in the race for first seed, gaining 12 out of 18 points in the past week. Their goal differential is starting to look a little more natural (+12) for a usual offensive powerhouse in Tampa Bay. They have the talent in True and aali to surge past the Flyers and Devils to claim top seed in the conference. Speaking of those two, it became between them for the team’s MVP as Vince’s numbers have fallen off a bit (still top 5 goalie in the league), so I’m gonna go with aali. Aali is second to True on the team with 26 goals and 22 assists, but he makes a difference whenever he is on the ice, going +15 and winning 54.12% of faceoffs. Will this duo recapture the glory that True and Redflag had many moons ago?
4. Pittsburgh Penguins
Points: 38.
Trend: Sideways.
MVP: Bstie.
Pittsburgh is in a comfortable spot in the fourth seed of the conference, being 10 points ahead of their closest rival and if they continue to play like they have been recently, they won’t be giving up that spot. They lost the majority of their games last week, but some overtime losses helped them keep pace with the rest of the conference. Bstie was a big addition to the core of the Penguins at the beginning of the season, and has proved to be their best player. His 32 goals and 49 points lead his team (fix the stats on the site, Turd) and his defensive stats (75 takeaways, 54.17 faceoff percentage) are some of the best in the league. Let’s hope the Penguins maintain this momentum as they head into the playoffs.
5. Toronto Maple Leafs
Points: 28.
Trend: Downward
MVP: Is there one? I guess Execution.
Oh boy. The Leafs are really shitting the bed this season, and are now winless in their past 10 games. They made it to overtime twice this week and lost both times, and now Jayscott must focus on rebuilding a team that can compete next season. The fall of the Leafs is almost comparable to the Edmonton Oilers in 2006: Cup finalists one season, basement dwellers the next. Execution is still having a Norris trophy worthy season, leading all defenders with 3 goals and 28 assists for 31 points, while shutting players down with 84 takeaways. Jayscott should follow suit with Scalz and keep his best player around (sorry Stam and Fish, that isn’t you).
6. Columbus Blue Jackets
Points: 27.
Trend: Downward.
MVP: DJFreeze.
The Jackets are almost out of the basement, and if they keep playing the way they have while Toronto has fallen apart, they can avoid laying claim to the bottom team in the East! They had some good pieces that were moved to greener pastures, so it’s interesting to see how next week will turn out for Pemm and Columbus. DJFreeze has been this team’s best player and now shares the points lead for the team with Duckweed. His 20 goals in 20 games to go along with his 21 assists is good for the best point per game toal on a team that has struggled to find their groove. Back to the drawing board for the Jackets (tip, draft an elite goalie! (sorry Pemm))
One more week. One more chance to make a run for the playoffs, one more chance to solidify your position as a top team in the league, and one more chance to develop chemistry before you start facing the best of the best on a regular basis. These next 9 games will be make or break for every team in the league, so players have no reason not to give it all. Unless you want to tank. That’s cool too.
Off the Ice returned this past Saturday, and Koz, Reap, Plisk and I are looking to bring the show to you on a more regular basis. Check us out every Saturday at 10 pm on https://www.twitch.tv/thespnhl_media as we bring new the latest news and voice our somewhat relevant opinions as Koz and I bicker about bullshit while Plisk laughs at us and Reap’s phone cutting in and out. We love it!
Best of luck to everybody over the course of this next week! I can’t wait to see some of you folks in the playoffs, and I hope everybody who doesn’t make the playoffs has been working on their putting game!
-DD.

SPNHL, Season 31: Week Three Review
By: Dirty-Dietrich
So, I would have had this one done sooner but it was the Royal Rumble weekend. Yeah, I like watching half-naked guys and gals kicking and doing flips over each other. Deal with it.
Let’s get back to the business at hand. We just surpassed the halfway point of the season, so the playoff picture is starting to take shape. It’s like when the film from a polaroid starts to develop, and you see Colorado at the top of the West again. Some things never change but some changes start to happen, like Toronto falling out of their playoff spot after starting their season at the top of the conference.
With these changes happening, adaptation is necessary. Toronto moved a large portion of their core and got some great talent in return as they anticipate a playoff push with two weeks left. San Jose has made some big moves recently and are looking like a much stronger team than they did at the beginning of the season. These teams realized what their weaknesses were, and made moves to correct it.
So, enough chit chat about teams changing (or else I’ll go into a tangent about how shit the Devils played last week (we blame the tuner)). Let’s look at numbers and see how the teams are doing as we enter the final two weeks of the season.
WESTERN CONFERENCE
1. Colorado Avalanche
Points: 47.
Trend: Upward.
MVP: Go_Marc
The Avalanche are on a 14 game win streak. We thought they didn’t have as strong of a team as last season, but they are proving otherwise. With their defense-first and good puck moving system, Colorado has the least goals against and the highest goals for and goals against differential, being +50. Marc is doing very well, maintaining a 3.0 PPG and scoring more than a third of his team’s overall goals (34). It’s going to be incredibly difficult to beat these guys in a single game, let alone a series!
2. Anaheim Ducks
Points: 32.
Trend: Upward.
MVP: Snipeshotty.
The Ducks are proving to be a great underdog story this season, as they sit in the second playoff spot after being projected to finish near the bottom of the league. They play a very scrappy style and know how to eek out victories in those very close games. Snipeshotty continues to make his case for not only the Calder trophy, but also the Vezina. He brought his GAA below 3, and kept his save percentage around .860% to help the scrappy Quack Pack ascend in their conference.
3. Vegas Golden Knights
Points: 29.
Trend: Sideways.
MVP: Stonerboy.
The Knights made some interesting moves over the past week, sending top players in Execution, Wally, and Tarasenko in return for Uber, GodsPlan, and NJ. They’re still one of the better teams in the West, but the moves yielded average results. Stonerboy continues to lead the offensive charge for the Knights with his 50 points in 24 games (2.1 PPG), and his 55.95 faceoff percentage is among the league’s best for starting centres. Hopefully Sliyum’s investment pays off this week.
3. Winnipeg Jets
Points: 29.
Trend: Upward.
MVP: Kidmoney.
The Jets had a great week as they moved into a tie for the third seed in the West. The offensive power that a core like Triix, Slick, Kid, and Reap is starting to show, and you can expect them to make a play for that second playoff seed soon. Kidmoney has stepped up his game this week and is contributing around a goal (0.9 GPG) and around an assist and a half (1.4), good for a tie with the best PPG on the team with Slick Steiner. Will the longtime duo of Kid and Reap return to the promised land?
5. Edmonton Oilers
Points: 25.
Trend: Downward.
MVP: LeCupidon.
While offense is still no issue in Edmonton (pacing the conference with 99 goals), there is a need for defense and the departure of u12bme may be costly to a strong Oilers squad. Being 4 points out of a playoff spot, the Oilers need a big week to stay competitive. LeCupidon is leading the league in points and has been dishing the rock with incredible results, as his 3.0 PPG includes just under two assists per game. If Edmonton’s defense and goaltending can step their game up, this might be a playoff team due for a deep run.
6. San Jose Sharks
Points: 17.
Trend: Sideways
MVP: Single_G6
San Jose retained their momentum from last week, gaining 8 out of a possible 18 points and did not make any progress in the standings. However, they have the potential to bite their way into the playoff picture with a very potent offense. Single started as a goalie in this league, but proved to be a very capable defensive forward (as he has been in other leagues). He’s accumulated a 2.5 PPG (18 goals and 20 assists through 15 games) great takeaway:giveaway ratio (3.3:1) and a stellar faceoff percentage (52.73). The Sharks have almost all the pieces they need to find their way out of the basement and into a playoff spot.
EASTERN CONFERENCE
1. Philadelphia Flyers
Points: 34.
Trend: Upward.
MVP: Fine… Chad.
The Flyers have emerged as the top team in the Eastern Conference, breaking last week’s three way tie for the second seed. They have the highest goal differential in the conference (+25) and after picking up Wally, have one of the best back ends in the league. Chadkillz has played in all but one game for this Flyers squad and is certainly a difference maker. He’s got 17 wins to go along with his 2.3 GAA and a .852% save percentage. I don’t think this Philly team is relinquishing that top spot anytime soon.
2. Tampa Bay Lightning
Points: 31.
Trend: Sideways.
MVP: Vince.
The Lightning put up 10 points this week as the rest of the division struggled, enough to claim the outright second seed with two weeks left in the season. Their goaltending has been supreme, with the lowest goals against in the conference at 64. However, Tampa is scoring at an uncharacteristically slow pace, only scoring 2.5 goals a game. Vince is still playing strong for Tampa, saving .851% of shots and possessing a very low GAA of 2.18. If Vince can get some offense in front of him, Tampa may be a lock for the playoffs.
3. New Jersey Devils
Points: 30.
Trend: Downward (what the fuck happened?)
MVP: Rich2K8.
Did we shit the bed or what? The Devils had a disappointing week going 3-5-1 while falling from first to third seed in a tough Eastern Conference. Pacing the conference with 95 goals, but also being second in the conference for goals allowed with 80, the Devils need to tighten up defensively to make the playoffs. Rich is still playing like a madman, 1 point behind the lead league for points but still scoring 2.18 goals a game, good for a 3.2 PPG. If we keep sucking, we’re missing the playoffs again. LET’S STEP IT UP, DEVILS.
4. Pittsburgh Penguins
Points: 29.
Trend: Upward.
MVP: Larkin.
The Penguins are kind of like the Ducks of the East: they’re a scrappy team who are winning close games when it counts (they have an identical goal differential of -4). Ending the week with two losses after going 6-1, the Penguins are primed for a push for that second seed, which is only 2 points out of reach. Larkin remains an offensive star for the Pens, as his 2.3 PPG (15 goals and 17 assists in 14 games) has helped the Penguins emerge as a contender from the Eastern conference and proven a lot of doubters wrong. Let’s see if they can kick the doubter’s asses in the playoffs.
5. Toronto Maple Leafs
Points: 26.
Trend: Downward.
MVP: Fish.
Toronto had a dismal week that lead to the dismantling of the majority of their team, with only 5 of their original 11 players remaining on the roster. As somebody who’s done that same flip in the past (thanks for reminding me of it every god damn week, Peace), I think it’s necessary sometimes and Jayscott knows how to build a team and has traded for a very capable one. Fish is still leading the offense in Toronto with his great puck dispersion getting him 35 assists, and with the league leading defender in Execution joining the squad, expect their offensive output to grow.
6. Columbus Blue Jackets
Points: 19.
Trend: Downward.
MVP: Freeze
In a playoff picture where the conference leader and the fifth ranked team in the conference are separated by 9 points, the Jackets are the odd team out. The big issue that needs to be addressed is goaltending (sorry Pemm), as Columbus has given up 130 goals this season, an average of 4.8 goals a game. Rough.n an offensively struggling team, Freeze has emerged as a solid player with an average of a goal and an assist per game (14 goals and 15 assists through 14 games). It’s now or never for the Blue Jackets if they want a shot at the playoffs. STEP IT UP, CUBANO.
We’re heading into week four, so it’s time for teams to get their shit together. Every game of these remaining 18 are crucial, so everybody’s gotta be putting in 110%. No team is mathematically eliminated from the playoffs yet, and every team has a roster capable of making it into the final 8. You need commitment from everybody at both ends of the ice to be successful.
Also, you read it here first: SPNHL: Off The Ice is returning this coming weekend! More details will come shortly, but Kozmo and I have stopped hating eachother and have elected to reunite to deliver the show for the greater good of the league.
See you clowns on the ice! And then this weekend for Off the Ice! And if you step to Wally, you’ll become part of the ice! Ice!
-DD.

SPNHL, Season 31: Week Two Review
By: Dirty-Dietrich
Because I’m writing this article while watching a UFC FIght Night, there’s gonna be a few references to mixed martial arts in this article. With the normal SPNHL season being 5 weeks, it’s kind of like the 5 round format of a championship fight. Week two can be the recovery stage for some who don’t have the strongest start, or it can be the week where teams who started strong continue their dominance. However, those aren’t the only paths that a team can take, as there are many leading to the promised lands.
There are some key things teams need to evaluate after the second week: who your best players are, what the strongest aspect of your team is, what your biggest weakness is, and much more. Now this is easier said than done, but something you need to consider even if you are a top team. Look at Tampa Bay: they’re fourth in the East but only 2 points out of a tie for first in a stacked conference. However, they’re the lowest scoring team in the conference. The Lightning need something to spark their offense, and they need it more than ever.
Let’s check in on the standings and see if any teams and/or players have made an impact. Is Colorado on top of the West? You bet. Why would you expect any differently? Now, the Eastern conference is a little bit different: the race for the top seed is tighter than that crevice that James Franco had to cut himself of in 127 Hours (had to go PC for this one, sorry lads). Lesgo!
WESTERN CONFERENCE
1. Colorado Avalanche
Points: 29.
Trend: Upward.
MVP: Go_Marc (yeah!)
The Avalanche were in unfamiliar territory this week: a losing streak! After losing to Philly (OT), Anaheim, and Winnipeg, Colorado turned things around and won out the week with 5 straight wins. Their defense and goaltending has been solid (37 goals against), but the hero of Denver right now is my boy Go_Marc. Leading the team in points while possessing a 2.5 PPG and already at +15, Marc is having a great bounce back season hoping to get Egg and Sedin a 4th straight cup.
2. Vegas Golden Knights
Points: 22.
Trend: Upward.
MVP: Execution.
Vegas started out their week similarly to Colorado with a bit of a losing streak dropping their first two games, but winning 5 of their remaining 7 games put the Knights back on track. Their offense has been very prominent with 66 goals (good for second in their conference), but Execution has been the strongest Knight on the ice. Still possessing a 1.2 PPG at defense after 17 games while being +14, Ex is the best defender in the league right now, and making Vegas one of the strongest teams.
3. Anaheim Ducks
Points: 20.
Trend: Downward.
MVP: Snipeshotty.
Now, the Ducks are a very interesting case as these guys could be the scrappy underdogs of the season who prove me wrong. They have a very dangerous offensive core and their goaltender, Snipeshotty, has been unreal for them. He is saving .856% of shots, but still has a 3.0 GAA and has won 5 of his 13 starts. Anaheim lack defense, as they have a -4 goal differential and have lost 5 of their last 6. Let’s hope Koz and Shadow turn their squad around and consider investing in defense to try and give snipeshotty (who faces 20 shots a game) some help.
4. Edmonton Oilers
Points: 19.
Trend: Sideways.
MVP: LeCupidon.
Man the Oilers had a rollercoaster of a week. They started with 5 straight wins over some top level teams, then dropped 3 games in a row to some shitter teams (and Colorado in one game), then said “fuck it” and posted double digits against the Ducks. If they can find consistency, this is a very dangerous team (tied for first in the league with 73 goals). Arrowhunter is still killing it, but LeCupidon is leading Edmonton’s offense with 52 points and averaging 3.5 points per game and proving that he is one of the best players in this league.
5. Winnipeg Jets
Points: 16.
Trend: Downward.
MVP: toslick (too sweet).
The Jets didn’t have the strongest week, as they averaged 1 win and 2 losses every night. 2 of those losses were overtime losses, but the extra points could have put them into a playoff position. The thing that surprises me is that they have such a strong top 6: Giroux, Beaster, Triix, Reap, Kidmoney, and THE BIG BAD BOOTY DADDY toslick, who leads the team with 16 goals and a 2.5 PPG in 11 games. Reap, sort your shit out and get one of the best starting lines into a playoff position. NOW.
6. San Jose Sharks
Points: 9.
Trend: Upward.
MVP: Puckzone.
The Sharks got some wins! Holy shit! Scalz made a great trade (sorry Pete) in sending Soiceyboyz (1 goal in 8 GP) to Philly in return for Puckzone (18 goals in 12 GP) and Pucky has helped the Sharks put up some numbers in the win column. San Jose defeated some playoff teams this week and has proven themselves to be a scrappy team, kind of like Anaheim, capable of surprising teams and moving up in the standings if they and Puckzone (12 goals in the last 5 games, 3 of those games beinf wins) keep up their pace.
EASTERN CONFERENCE
1. New Jersey Devils (NICE)
Points: 23.
Trend: Upward.
MVP: Rich2K8.
The Devils finally won 3 in a row in a night and won 5 of their last 6 games this week, after losing 2 games for a respectable 6-3 week. New Jersey still has their offense firing on all cylinders (tied for first with Edmonton with 73 goals for), but is starting to work on their defense, only allowing 9 goals in their past 6 games with two shutouts. Rich is still spearheading the offense for New Jersey, scoring an insane 34 goals in 13 games while adding 18 assists, good for a 4 PPG and a share of the league lead with 52 points. (Grammy, look at us go! DBS taught us well!)
2. Philadelphia Flyers
Points: 22.
Trend: Sideways.
MVP: Yesse (because fuck Chad and Pete and Muse isn’t doing well enough 🙁 )
PistolPete and the rest of the boys in Philly had a respectable week, getting 10 points and moving up to the second seed in the conference. They’re our rivals, but they’ve got my respect. They’ve got one of the best goalies in the league in net, they got solid defense options and it shows (46 GA), and they have a solid forward core being paced by Yesse. The Redbeard has 16 goals in 10 games with a 2.5 PPG, and is one of the key parts to this strong Philadelphia team. See you soon, boys!
2. Toronto Maple Leafs
Points: 22.
Trend: Downward.
MVP: Fishhure.
The Toronto Maple Leafs dropped from the top of the conference last week, only getting 8 points in a very competitive conference. They’re only one point out of first seed and share the second seed with the Flyers, but the Leafs need to recapture the magic of that Stanley Cup finals run from last season. They still have the best penalty kill but have struggled on the power play. Fishhure is still contributing well offensively for this squad, with 23 assists and 31 points through 11 games. However, he needs help from the rest of his squad to regain their lead of the East.
4. Tampa Bay Lightning
Points: 21.
Trend: Downward.
MVP: Vince.
Tampa Bay did not have the best finish to last week, losing 5 of their last 6 (one overtime loss) and really struggling offensively. True has an abundance of defenders, so he may need to consider moving one of his 4 defenders and a forward for a high-scoring forward to shake things up. They are tied for the least goals allowed in the league (37) because of the hard work of Vince. He’s saved .870% of shots against and is the reason that a low scoring Tampa team isn’t losing every game. Tampa needs to turn it around and back their boy up!
5. Pittsburgh Penguins
Points: 19.
Trend: Upward.
MVP: Larkin.
After losing their first three games this past week, the Penguins upset a lot of folks and won 4 of their last 6 games this week. As Bstieboy said, the Penguins are starting to figure it out and they are dangerous. Turd is having a great rebound season in net, and the addition of Bstie to the core of the Penguins has worked out well, especially for Larkin. Larkin has exploded with 24 points in 8 games while retaining a +10, and if he can play a little bit more for Pittsburgh, the Pens are going to be a tough team to stop.
6. Columbus Blue Jackets
Points: 12.
Trend: Sideways.
MVP: Duckweed!
Duckweed is making a name for himself! Well done! The Jackets doubled their point total from last week with 8 points, but didn’t have the best finish to the week as they dropped their final 3 games. However, things are looking up in the Columbus camp with some recent arrivals in Ezz and Lavoie making an impact, but Duckweed is still carrying the offensive weight with 11 tallies in both the goal and assist column over 9 games (22 points), good for a 2.4 PPG average. Let’s see if the Jackets can double their point total again and put up 8 wins next week! (Do it Pemm, I (kinda) believe)
Okay, the Cejudo vs. Dillashaw fight is starting so I’ll wrap this up. We’re approaching the halfway point of the season and teams are finally starting to find their identity. The Oilers and Devils are offensive teams, the Bolts and Avs are defensive teams, and the Jets are an underachieving team (FIGURE IT OUT). If your team is still struggling to find your style of play, get on that before other teams who are confident in their abilities eat you alive.
Anyways, I hope everybody is enjoying the beta tuner! You gotta love it when they go back to a different version of a game after 4 MONTHS OF PLAYING IT. I look forward to seeing everybody on the ice, and if you’re upset about what I wrote about your team, do something about it!
Holy fuck, Cejudo just knocked out Dillashaw. What the fuck just happened.
Goodnight everybody!
-DD.

SPNHL, Season 31: Week One Review
By: Dirty-Dietrich
 
And we’re off! The 31st season of the SPNHL is underway, and the more things change, the more they stay the same. Colorado is on top of the league again, but not undefeated this time! The Lightning, who are third in the league, prevented the Avs from going 9-0 to open the week for the second (potentially third) consecutive season. The Toronto Maple Leafs are also playing very well, putting themselves second in the league after a strong week to start the season.
 
Not all teams were as fortunate as the Bolts, the Buds, and the Champs, as the Sharks (hate to say I told you so) went in the exact opposite direction and did not amass a win this week. Columbus looked to be on the verge of sharing that same fate, but they finished the week with two straight wins. The first week can be a struggle for some teams as they try to develop chemistry and strategy. Those who are familiar with each other, such as Toronto, will have it in spades while some teams, like San Jose, lack it completely.
 
Let’s take a quick look at the standings and see how everybody is doing. We’ll talk about their trends, their transactions (if there are any), and their performance. We’ll keep it short and sweet and try not to be too biased, but no promises (the best players on the Blue Jackets are Trout and Cuban, shoutout to the S26 Devils).
 
WESTERN CONFERENCE
 

1. Colorado Avalanche

Points: 16.
Trend: Upward.
MVP: Turtle.
 
The Avalanche haven’t been as dominant as they were last season, but have still been incredibly successful. They’ve been averaging just over 3 goals a game, but their starting goalie Turtle has been playing very well, going undefeated in 6 games and saving 83% of shots behind a defensively solid Avalanche squad.

2. Vegas Golden Knights

Points: 12.
Trend: Downward.
MVP: Execution.
 
After starting the week 4-1, the Knights struggled in their last 4 games going 1-2-1. They scoring plenty of goals and their special teams numbers are great but they’ve been edged out it in close games, suffering two overtime losses. Execution has been a stalwart at D for the Knights, posting 12 assists to go along with a +11 rating and a 2-1 giveaway to takeaway ratio as he starts strong in his return to the league.
 

3. Anaheim Ducks

Points: 11.
Trend: Sideways.
MVP: MrBean.
 
Where the fook did this guy come from? The Ducks have exceeded my expectations, taking third place in the conference after an off and on week. Their games were very close, with a low goal differential and 3 overtime losses, but one of their most consistent scorers was the rookie MrBean. He put up 11 goals in 9 games, including a 5 goal outburst against the Jackets to go along with his 8 assists.
 

4. Winnipeg Jets

Points: 8.
Trend: Upward.
MVP: Giroux.
 
The Jets had a difficult week, going 4-5 while facing some of the more talented teams. One of their strengths was goaltending, only giving up 3 goals per game and having both goalies above an 83% save percentage. Giroux won 3 of the 6 games he played and was instrumental in winning games behind an offensively lacking Jets squad. But now that they’ve traded for Trixx, their offensive struggles may be over.
 

5. Edmonton Oilers

Points: 7.
Trend: Downward.
MVP: Arrowhunter.
 
The Oilers had a rough start to the season, having one of the tougher schedules which ended up dismantling the team, resulting in the departures of Julien and Frenchy. Sharing the team lead with Cupidon in points, Arrowhunter was an assist machine and had no penalty minutes while being one of the best players on this team. Hopefully some new arrivals in Edmonton will bring success with them.
 

6. San Jose Sharks

Points: 1.
Trend: Downward.
MVP: Dafoumanchew
 
The Sharks were not looking like the strongest team heading into this season, and it showed in this past week. Not getting a single win and only amassing a single point, San Jose has some work to do. Their special teams numbers were dismal, but there is some light at the end of the tunnel. Although there wasn’t much of it, Daf lead the team in scoring and if he can develop chemistry with Joe, the Sharks could rebound next week.
 
EASTERN CONFERENCE   
 

1. Toronto Maple Leafs

Points: 14.
Trend: Upward.
MVP: Fish.
 
The Leafs picked up right where they left off, starting out the season with 7 wins in 9 games. After being the last seed in the East last season, the Stanley Cup Finalists are emerging as the team to beat in their conference. They have the best penalty kill in the league and some of the best offense, being lead by the 6 goals and 18 assists of Fish. With a very familiar team, expect very familiar results to last season.
 

2. Tampa Bay Lightning

Points: 13.
Trend: Sideways.
MVP: Vince.
 
Perennial conference favourites, the Bolts are off to a great start again, winning 6 of their 9 games. However, they dropped 2 of their last three games, losing a bit of momentum going into this week. They still have a very strong team, and are backstopped by arguably the best goalie in the league in Vince. He’s pacing the league with just under an exceptional 91% save percentage and a 1.33 GAA.
 

3. Philadelphia Flyers

Points: 12.
Trend: Upward.
MVP: Not Chad. Let’s go with Pete.
 
The Flyers had a roller coaster of a week and came away with 6 wins, after alternating 3 wins and 3 losses to start the week. Their special teams numbers are great, and they’ve got great offensive contributions from all sides, but Pete delivered this week. He’s fifth in the league in points (19) and goals (10), and has been leading his Philadelphia squad by example with a strong supporting squad.
 

4. New Jersey Devils

Points: 11.
Trend: Upward.
MVP: Rich2K8.
 
Grammy and I packed our bags and headed back to Jersey and started stronger than last season, getting 5 wins and 4 of them in our last 6. The Devils are leading the league in scoring and are averaging just over 4 goals a game, and are being paced by Rich who scored an absurd 15 goals in 6 games to go along with his 9 assists for a league leading 24 points. Holy shit, we discovered our scoring touch!
 

5. Pittsburgh Penguins

Points: 10.
Trend: Sideways.
MVP: Bstie.
 
The Penguins have a very similar squad to last season, much like the Leafs, but weren’t as successful as the latter. However, they didn’t do that bad with 4 wins and two overtime losses, putting themselves fifth in the conference. Their core is developing chemistry and with the addition of Bstie, who leads the team in scoring with 8 goals and 11 points, Pittsburgh could contend in a stacked conference.
 

6. Columbus Blue Jackets

Points: 4.
Trend: Upward.
MVP: Duckweed.
 
Well, Pemm and the Blue Jackets didn’t exactly come flying out of the gates, only amassing 2 wins in 9 games. The good news in that is that Columbus is on a two game winning streak! The arrival of the new French Connection (Julien, Frenchy, and Lavoie) should compliment Duckweed who has been Columbus’s highest scorer (9 goals and 5 assists) and arguably their best player. Who knew?
 
One week is not the be all and end all, so I encourage teams not to panic (maybe too late, some teams have already flipped half their squad). Take some time to develop your strategy and build chemistry before sending your players away or giving up on your season. Or don’t, screw it and try to rebuild from scratch. I did it and won a President’s Trophy like that, so maybe you can too!
 
Nonetheless, I wish everybody the best of luck as the season rolls on. I look forward to seeing all of you out on the ice!
-DD.

SPNHL, Season 31: Season Preview
By: Dirty-Dietrich & Chadkillz134
 
Going into the draft with only one other player used to mean that you either traded most of your resigns for picks or the team bailed on you after the season. Well, the new one resign rule gave everybody an even playing field as they prepared to build a team. Now, the dust has settled on one of the deepest drafts in recent memory and there are a bunch of teams who could win the Stanley Cup this season.
 
There are some favourites out of the gate, such as the Leafs (who kept nearly the exact same team as last season’s Eastern Conference champions) and the Golden Knights (who reassembled a good portion of their cup winning squad from Season 27). There are also some teams with great potential such as the Oilers (who have more Frenchies than a café but a stacked squad) and the Penguins (who retained most of their underperforming core from last season but added considerable firepower) who could stun many people and make a run for the cup.
 
The Chode and I took a look at the teams and got their GMs to send their prospective starting lineups for us to analyze and sometimes criticize. We’ll look at teams strengths, weaknesses, and rank the teams in the order we expect them to finish in. Last season I didn’t do so well with my predictions, so hopefully the Master of the Flying Poke Check can share some of his insight and make more accurate predictions. Let’s start with our good old friends Kozmo and Shadow and their Ducks, and make our way alphabetically through the rest of the league.
 
Anaheim Ducks
 
Projected Lineup:
LW: iam_Mrbean
C: agesquod
RW: Brodtshadow13
LD: captain21canada
RD: Dynasty1989
G: Snipeshotty
 
Strength: offense. Alright, it was tough to find the strength for these guys, but they have a bunch of good options up front. Ages is a former Calder winner, Shadow had a great showing at RW last season, and he insists newcomers like MrBean and FreakGrizz will be great forwards.
Weakness: defense. Having 2 defenders can often leave you scrambling for ECUs, but what if you have only one. Dynasty and Kozmo can play D with CapCan, but the lack of options at D could prove to be the Achilles’ Heel for this team.
Ranking: The Ducks have a decent squad, but they aren’t the strongest in their conference.They may have a chance at the playoffs depending on how their rookies play, but expect them to be one of the odd teams out. We place them 10th out of 12.
 
Colorado Avalanche
 
Projected Lineup:
LW: Go_Marc
C: Xx__Scoop__Xx
RW: Neeposh_patrick
LD: Eggman-1
RD: Sedinpower
G: Jcpens22
 
Strength: defense. Eggman and Sedin have been the league’s best defensive pairing for three seasons in a row. It makes sense to keep it together, but adding Bergy to the mix gives Colorado one of the strongest defensive cores in the league.
Weakness: offense. Go_Marc is solid and PLANET PATRICK is always worth a visit, but their other options aren’t as proven and could be a big gamble for this team. Expect Marc to play more LW than LD this season.
Ranking: Colorado have always used a defensive system and it has brought them success. With an elite defensive core and decent goaltending options, expect the Avalanche to be a playoff team and finish 6th in the league.
 
Columbus Blue Jackets
 
Projected Lineup:
LW: Al_bundy128
C: Diirty_Triix_13
RW: ChiefTrout
LD: Cuban1616
RD: BETOBONE1
G: Pemm
 
Strength: offense. Triix, Trout, Bundy, Smitty, and DJFreeze make up a very good core of forwards including some who are familiar with the Jackets’ hard forechecking style of play. Expect the front of the opposition’s net to be busy.
Weaknesses: goaltending. Pemm is a decent goaltender, but he has struggled in the past. Hockeyman, like all rookies, is a big question mark that could pay dividends for Columbus. For now, he’s still unproven, and the Jackets may have some trouble in net.
Ranking: the Jackets didn’t have the greatest of seasons last season (even though the bastards nearly beat us every time we played them) and their lack of depth at defense and net will be their downfall again. Expect them to finish dead last (prove me wrong, guys).
 
Edmonton Oilers
 
Projected Lineup:
LW: julien23454
C: Frenchy3131
RW: LeCupidon
LD: u_1_2_B_me_
RD: lacigalblanche
G: SgtVandoos
 
Strength: chemistry. Julien, Frenchy, and Blanche all play with each other outside of SP. They broke into the league last season and made the playoffs. Expect them to do a bit more damage with an elite forward like Cupidon with them.
Weakness: goaltending. Nearly the exact same damn thing as Columbus. A veteran mid-tier goaltender (the numbers don’t lie) and a rookie goaltender may struggle a bit and hinder an otherwise solid team.
Ranking: I can see this team doing better than they did last season. They added some depth to the places that were lacking last season and kept their main squad together. Expect them to finish 9th overall, but 4th in the west and grabbing that final playoff spot.
 
New Jersey Devils
 
Projected Lineup:
LW: GrammyHands
C: Servnspike
RW: rich2k8
LD: ceeg87
RD: Dirty-Dietrich
G: Cuilla19
 
Strength: goaltending. Ciulla is great as a starting goalie, but when you have last season’s Vezina trophy winner as a backup? The Devils can put any of their two goalies out there and feel confident in their own zone.
Weakness: defense. CeeG, Royal, and McAvoy have all proven their worth in other leagues, but their availability could cause a bit of an issue. Looks like my ass is gonna have to play D when they can’t, and that’s a liability.
Ranking: the goaltending is great, the offense is too, the defense is the only question mark, but what the hell. I’m confident in my team. I think we’ll finish 7th in the league and grab the 4th playoff spot in the conference.
 
Philadelphia Flyers
 
Projected Lineup:
LW: PistolPete7788
C: ae_MuSe
RW: Yesse__
LD: Uberpwned_6969
RD: Shaynestaa
G: chadkillz134
 
Strength: chemistry. I play with these guys on an almost nightly basis, and know Muse, Pete, and Bowdown are dynamic together. With other offensive options like Yesse and Puckzone available to play the right side, this team will be dangerous in the offensive zone.
Weakness:.Chad and I are editing this article together and it’s a struggle. I say their weakness is defensive depth. Shayne and Uber are great, but Belak (formerly known as jielking) and Steavex aren’t necessarily top defenders (TBH, I like steavex a lot Great dude, I just had to find a weakness other than goaltending depth because Chad would kill me).
Ranking: I really like this team because I know how much skill they have and how well they play together, It may surprise some people, but I think they finish 4th overall and take the second seed in the Eastern conference.
 
Pittsburgh Penguins
 
Projected Lineup:
LW: SA_Pliskin
C: Bstieboydp
RW: Sergein
LD: Jamie14benn14
RD: DatsALLimSayin
G: turdburgler169
Strength: chemistry. Another team who are incredibly familiar with each other and have played multiple seasons together. Serge and Plisk should be even more dangerous now that they’re anchored on the line by the mighty Bstie.
Weakness: defense. Jamiebenn is great, but I909 and DatsAll (folks) may not be enough to hold the line with Benn when needed. Pliskin could fall back and have Larkin play the wing, but the need at defense should be addressed immediately.
Ranking: The Penguins have the talent but fell short of the playoffs last season. Turd should have a great bounce back season but it may not be enough to take the final playoff spot from us. They’ll finish 8th and miss the playoffs by a couple of points. Sorry!
 
San Jose Sharks
 
Projected Lineup:
LW: Nuttyoutlaw13
C: SMOKESHOWJOE
RW: shepard-88-
LD: PNCPark2k1
RD: scalz_yanks_24
G: sINGLE-g6
 
Strength: goaltending. Single-G6 has been one of the better goaltenders in the league for the past two seasons, and having Dafoumanchew and Soicey on the squad adds a lot of depth in net for the Sharks.
Weakness: defense. Scalz is a good defender and Herb is a very versatile player, but PNCpark is usually a goaltender and his defensive acumen will be tested this season. Shep may need to drop back and play a few games at D.
Ranking: Although they’re strong in net, the Sharks have a lot of the mid-tier old guards at forward. They’ve proven to be somewhat successful in the past, but I don’t think this is the best team Scalz has built. I see them finishing 11th and last in the West.
 
Tampa Bay Lighting
 
Projected Lineup:
LW: Truelegend07
C: AAli-21
RW: L_DominanDo_L
LD: Kanyes-Ego-
RD: Notorious250
G: VinceT13
 
Strength: chemistry. True is a stud, but this is the first time in a few seasons he doesn’t have Redflag by his side. Instead he resigned a great goalie in VinceT and picked a very solid centre AAli in the first round of the draft. He also added guys like Dom and Noto who are proven players in SP. Kanyes-Ego is coming into this season as a rookie but has found a lot of success in other leagues. This team has a very strong starting 6
Weakness: depth. Besides the starting 6, I see some question marks. True picked up 2 rookies in the draft: a defenseman in Cshirk85 and a centre in JLAden. If these guys can step in when needed and make a difference, that will make this team even better.
Ranking: Tampa has a great team but ultimately i think the lack of depth will cost them.I see Tampa taking the 3rd seed in the Eastern conference but 5th in the league
 
Toronto Maple Leafs
 
Projected Lineup:
LW: Fishhure
C: |9|-Stamkos-|1|C
RW: NJs_VeryOwn91
LD: Gods3_3Plan1
RD: M1keal
G: fivestarcoock
 
Strength: chemistry. Theres is a recurring theme here, and that’s teams who were built last season getting redrafted. Fish, NJ, GodsPlan, and Fivestar all went to the Cup Finals. Throw Stamkos at centre, and that team may return to the promised land.
Weakness: depth. Outside of a solid top 6, their options are miniscule. Peace is a solid backup goalie, but the other options at D and forward aren’t as strong as some of the other teams’ options. They’ll need their top 6 to play a lot.
Ranking: These guys are agitators who will get in the heads of their opponents all season long. Jay did a good job at rebuilding a team but making it stronger, so expect these guys to finish at the top of the conference and 2nd in the league.
Vegas Golden Knights
 
Projected Lineup:
LW: ProdigyToLegend
C: ACK-stonerboy
RW: |-tarasenko91-|
LD: DrWally
RD: eXecuti0n80
G: SliyumShady
 
Strength: depth. These guys do not have a bad player on the team. Prodigy, Stoner, and Tarasenko could be a lethal top line, and having Wally and Ex as a defensive pairing in front of Slim fortifies the strongest back-end in the league.
Weakness: availability. Sliyum was plagued with it last season, and it may be another case of it this season. Wally, Ex, Stoner, and Prodigy don’t have full availability, so they’ll need to rely on their backups to carry the torch. Good thing they have the depth.
Ranking: this is the best team in the West. Top to bottom, they have a very talented squad and have a championship pedigree. This team will win the President’s trophy and claim the top seed in the Western conference. NUMERO UNO SLIYUM!
 
Winnipeg Jets.
 
Projected Lineup:
LW: Reaper_2313
C: Kidmon3y
RW: toslick
LD: X_beaster_X
RD: Xx_At_Ezzz_xx
G: cgiroux11
 
Strength: offense. These guys have a very talented top 6 who all have great offensive acumen. Slick meshed perfectly with Reap and Kid, and Ezz and Beaster are both great offensive defenders who will ignite the Jets’ engines (HA).
Weakness: too high expectations. TBH, this team is one of the most solid teams I’ve seen Reap put together in years. Some other folks said that as well, and Reap is always gunning for the top. This is the cop out answer TBH. They have a great team.
Ranking: I’ve already said very good things about this team, and if their performance is equal to what they did in the latter half of last season, they will live up to it. Giroux is gonna backstop them to the 2nd seed in the west and 3rd overall.
 
Final Rankings

1. Vegas Golden Knights (1st in the West)
2. Toronto Maple Leafs (1st in the East)
3. Winnipeg Jets (2nd in the West)
4. Philadelphia Flyers (2nd in the East)
5. Tampa Bay Lightning Flyers (3rd in the East)
6. Colorado Avalanche (3rd in the West)
7. New Jersey Devils (4th in the East)
8. Pittsburgh Penguins (5th in the East)
9. Edmonton Oilers (4th in the West)
10. Anaheim Ducks (5th in the West)
11. San Jose Sharks (6th in the West)
12. Columbus Blue Jackets (6th in the East)

 
UGH. That was exasperating. Looking at the teams, it was very hard to find weaknesses for some, which means either I suck at my job or this will be one of the more competitive seasons we’ve had in quite some time. I’m very excited to see how this season plays out, as the playoff race will be very intense seeing as we have 12 teams and eight playoff spots. Wills will be tested (tongue twister), friendships will be shattered, rivalries will be created, and all will be left on the ice in the pursuit of championship glory.
 
I’d like to thank Chad for helping me out with this article, perhaps he’ll be contributing more in the future. In the meantime, make sure to tune into SPNHL: Off the Ice at https://www.twitch.tv/thespnhl_media. Not too sure what time or when the next episode will be, but we’ll make sure that you know. In the meantime, best of luck to all teams at the beginning of your season, and if you don’t like what I’ve said, prove me wrong. I’m just a mouthy asshole anyways.
 
See you on the ice,
 
DD & Chad.

It’s draft time again, join us at 8pm est.  You can following along using our live draft board.  https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/1eNenJfAZAvb7VS-o06IBTHP3vHB-PWegxpXBhkQz_Bs/edit#gid=0
Stay tuned to the league discord public chat for a link to the live broadcast hosted by Kozmo and Dirty-Dietrich.  See you all at 8pm and best of luck,  See you on the ice.

SPNHL, Season 31: Top Free Agents
 
Long time no see, my friends. School got a little hectic last semester which prevented us from providing more coverage, but we’re back and ready for Season 31 of the SPNHL. Eggman and Sedin completed the three-peat and established themselves as the greatest dynasty in the history of the SPNHL. However, their success lead to the introduction of an interesting rule: only one resign for GMs.
 
This rule provided somewhat of a reset for the league, breaking apart teams that have dominated for multiple seasons and dismantled teams which GMs took seasons to build (perfect time to introduce the rule Plisk, didn’t screw me over at all). Yet, this rule provided a draft pool that is the deepest and most talented I’ve seen in my 5 seasons in this league. With only 12 teams this season, we’ll see a strong first couple of rounds.
 
With a little help from my friend Chadkillz ,we compiled a list of the top 5 free agents at their positions. We divided it into the three categories: forwards, defenders, and goaltenders, and did a statistical comparison based on their last season (or their career stats for those who took a few seasons off). We also didn’t rank them because we’re too lazy, so be your own judge!
Forwards
 

Name	Salary	Availability	GP	G	A	P	+/-	PPG
Bstieboydp	$7M	6/9	32	55	62	117	+91	3.7
LeCupidon	$7M	9/9	31	39	74	113	+56	3.6
Rich2K8	$7M	9/9	31	66	45	111	+50	3.6
Diirty_Triix	$7.5M	7/9	27	36	54	90	+46	3.3
toslick	$5.5M	9/9	27	49	32	81	+21	3.0

 
Chad: Bstieboydp is coming off a stellar season with the Avalanche where he put up 117 points and won the cup. He won’t be on the draft board for very long. LeCupidon finished 4th in points last season. He put up 113 points finishing right behind Bsieboydp. Rich scored 66 goals last season and almost won the Rocket Trophy. Whichever team picks rich is getting a proven goal scorer. Diirty_Triix had a great bounce-back season. He put up very good numbers while playing with LeCupidon and Rich on a very skilled Flyers Team. Toslick had a rough first half to last season with the hurricanes but really turned it on after being traded to Winnipeg.
 

Defenders
 

Name	Salary	Availability	GP	GA	TA	H	PM	+/-
u_1_2_B_me_	$6M	7/9	24	154	55	45	22	17
captain21canada	$4.5M	9/9	40	167	80	66	36	-3
eXecuti0n80	$3.5M	6/9	22	65	70	21	10	+18
DrWally	$5.5M	3/9	30	126	119	132	40	-5
Notorious250	$3.5M	9/9	22	84	57	74	29	-19

 
Dirty: A mix of staples and returning veterans fills our top 5 defenders list, with U1, CapCan, and Noto playing last season while Wally and Execution return after 3 and 4 seasons respectively. U1 had a decent tenure in Arizona, showing his talent as a top two-way defender. CapCan continues to be a reliable stay-at-home defender, as she played all but 5 games last season for Vegas. eXecution returns to the league and if his last season is any proof, he’ll be an absolute steal for $3.5M, so don’t expect him to be on the board for long. DrWally, eX’s D partner on the Lightning of the VGHL, is also returning after a strong season. He has arguably the best defensive numbers on this list, but his availability may be a detriment to his value. “The Legend Killer” Notorious had a rough season, but is a consistently reliable defender who is more than worth his value at $3.5M. Expect him to be the last man back for an offensive minded team.
Goaltenders
 

Name	Salary	Availability	GP	W	L	SV%	GAA	SO
chadkillz134	$6M	9/9	28	12	16	.813%	2.89	4
ciulla19	$4.5M	6/9	22	10	12	.820%	3.00	3
cgiroux11	$6M	9/9	28	19	13	.828%	2.34	2
Rancher12345	$9.5M	3/9	35	31	4	.846%	1.51	11
fivestarcoock	$6M	9/9	22	16	6	.831%	2.45	1

 
Dirty: The 5 goalies on this list represent the cream of the crop of their position, and have been so for quite some time. Chad is a bit of a biased bitch, but the numbers don’t lie and his performance last season behind a dismal Carolina squad nearly put them into the playoffs. Ciulla played the same role in Winnipeg, and stole them quite a few games. That record is deceiving, as most of those losses came at the beginning of the season while the Jets were still starting their engines. Giroux had another solid season after his Vezina worthy performance in season 29, being a brick wall in net for the islanders behind B-wall. Get it? Great. Giroux is a stud, but fell short in last season’s Vezina voting to Rancher, who played like a madman and won his second cup in three season with Colorado. Playing behind a dynasty like that may be easy, but numbers like his are hard to get. Fivestar backstopped the Leafs all the way to the Stanley Cup finals, and very good numbers while doing so. He proved his skill and reliability in net, so expect him to be picked up early on in the draft.
 
Well, that was fun. Although I was initially opposed to this new “one resign” rule, I do appreciate the bevy of talent it has reintroduced to the draft. It looks like one of the deepest in years, so maybe Vandoos won’t take a rookie in the first round. Nonetheless, we should see some big surprises and some predictable reunions in tonight’s draft as we see the informal beginning of season 31 of the Sony Playstation Hockey League.
 
I’d like to thank chadkillz134 for helping out with this article (and actually suggesting the idea of it) and encourage everybody to join Kozmo, myself, and a multitude of guests tonight as we react to picks, get interviews, and listen to Kozmo drunkenly rant while my GF plays Horizon Zero Dawn in the background. We’ll be live on www.twitch.tv/thespnhl_media at 7:30 EST, so come say hello!
 
See ya soon, everybody!
–DD & Chad

Have a safe Christmas and new years.  This is the current timeline for season 31.
 
Registration Closure Dec 28th midnight.
Showcase batch #2 Dec 27th, 29th & 30th.
Resign due date Dec 30th 8 pm
Draft date jan 1st, 8pm EST
Season start Jan 7th.

SPNHL, Season 30: Week Two Review
By: Dirty-Dietrich
“The unstoppable Avalanche”
If you get caught in an Avalanche, you’re usually dead meat. That’s how its been so far this season, with the reigning Stanley Cup Champions going undefeated after two weeks. Eggman, Sedin, Woy and co. are on pace to best their record from 2 seasons ago where they accumulated over 90% of available points, the same season they began their championship streak. Will they beat Sedin’s Sabres record from season 23 of 41-2-2?
Although the league leading team has remained unchanged, we saw some new arrivals into the top 5. Kozmo’s Quack Pack in Anaheim has experienced a resurgence being lead by Shadow, the Alien, and Francey while Tread’s Coyotes have had a bounce back week with himself and MJ rediscovering that chemistry and scoring touch that lead MJ to an Art Ross and Hart trophy two seasons ago. The playoff race in the West is beginning to form…
At the same time, some of those teams from the top 5 last week have experienced falls from grace, with Turd’s Penguins having a 1-7-1 week. Sometimes, teams come flying out of the gates and win two championships in a row and go for a third. Sometimes, you have a strong week and shit the bed the week after. Let’s look at our top 5 and bottom 5, as we progress towards the midway point of the thirtieth season of the SPNHL.
WINNERS
1. Colorado Avalanche
Record: 18-0-0
Leading Scorer: Bstieboy (32G, 21A, 53P)
MVP: Sedin
Arrivals/Departures: N/A
Bstie and Woy have continued to be absolute animals, carrying the bulk of offensive responsibility for the Avs with both players still averaging more than 3.5 points per game. Rancher has been excellent in net, but Eggman’s partner Sedin has been playing like a man possessed for Colorado. 17 GP, 36 points, 75 hits, and a plus 46 after two weeks puts Seding on pace for a Norris season.
2. New York Islanders
Record: 14-4-0
Leading Scorer: MG (15G, 22A, 37P)
MVP: MG
Arrivals/Departures: jamiebenn (arrival), Gui (departure).
The Islanders had a strong week, going 7-2-0 again and made an interesting move picking up jamiebenn from Vegas in exchange for Gui. Benn is a very versatile player who could play a big role in an offensive core with Burst, B-wall, and MG. MG has stepped his game up and played exceptionally well for the Islanders, leading them in points and leading all forwards in plus-minus going +22. With a talented and versatile squad, expect continuity from New York.
3. Tampa Bay Lightning
Record: 13-4-1
Leading Scorer: redflag (21G, 31A, 52P)
MVP: redflag
Arrivals/Departures: kwhiss
Tampa slipped up with one OT loss this week, otherwise having a strong week going 6-2-1. Vince has been incredibly consistent in net delivering great performances, and the most dynamic duo in SP in TrueLegend and redflag has been lighting it up, both scoring over 20 goals early into the season. Redflag has
been the better performer thus far, being only one point behind for the league lead. The Bolts are on pace to once again be one of the best teams in the East.
4. Arizona Coyotes
Record: 10-5-3
Leading Scorer: Tread (15G, 22A, 37P)
MVP: Tread
Arrivals/Departures: NocTurtle (arrival), Mic (arrival), Fivestar (departure), Mccallum (departure)
The top team in the western conference last season, Arizona started things off with a mediocre week but flipped the switch over the past 9 games. MJ, Studword, Soul2cold, and Tread have formed a reliable offensive core, with Tread leading the way by putting up 37 points in 14 games. With u1 and Tommy holding down the fort at D and Gman and Turtle taking care of business in net, expect to see the Coyotes in the top 5 for a majority of the season.
5. Anaheim Ducks
Record: 11-7-0
Leading Scorer: Francey (16G, 32A, 48P)
MVP: Francey
Arrivals/Departures: Rambo (arrival), Bigbear (departure)
Kozmo’s Krew (we love alliterations) started off slow, but the trade for Francey was a turning point for Anaheim. Shadow and Alien found chemistry instantly with Francey, while Kozmo and Noto have formed a formidable d-pairing in front of Soicey, who is having a stellar season. Francey’s 3 points per game ratio and playmaking abilities are just a couple things that are helping Anaheim shock people in the west, and we’re eager to see how high these Ducks can fly.
LOSERS
1. Chicago Blackhwaks
Record: 3-14-1
Leading Scorer: Linde (6G, 7A, 13P)
MVP: Linde
Arrivals/Departures: Nick108 (arrival), Nutty (arrival) Bigbear (arrival), Kinglyme (departure), Atreyal (departure), Cam (departure)
Amidst a week of controversy, Chicago saw more struggles and the departures of some of their best players. They got some decent talent in return in Nick and Nutty, but the loss of Kinglyme and Atreyal will be hard to recuperate from. Scalz and co. have a lot of work to do if they want to find themselves in a playoff position, and that includes getting arguably their best player, Linde, into more games. Joe and Scoop can’t do all the offensive work themselves!
2. Winnipeg Jets
Record: 4-12-2
Leading Scorer: Reaper (21G, 14A, 35P)
MVP: Ciulla
Arrivals/Departures: NYD (arrival), Bizness (departure)
With only 10 points in 18 games, Winnipeg is cold as ice right now. Having the second lowest goal total in the league next to Vegas and Carolina (I didn’t realize how little we were scoring, jesus), Winnipeg needs some sort of offensive burst. Reaper has just under half his team’s goals, but Ciulla has been playing his heart out on a team without much defense. Hopefully the arrival of NYD will solidify that defensive core and the Jets can restart their engines. (PUNS)
3. Columbus Blue Jackets
Record: 6-12-0
Leading Scorer: Al_bundy (14G, 10A, 24P)
MVP: Al_bundy
Arrivals/Departures: kinglyme (arrival), Nick (departure)
Over 6 nights, Columbus has averaged 1 win and 2 losses per night. Speaking to PistolPete, this is actually what happened. Pemm’s Blue Jackets have some good offensive talent in Rickrage, Ethan, Ivan, and their MVP Al_Bundy (who should mesh well with Kinglyme), a solid defensive pairing in Cuban and Pete, but Pemm and PNC need to step it up in the crease (both goalies are under a 0.730 save percentage) if the Blue Jackets want a chance at making playoffs.
4. Pittsburgh Penguins
Record: 6-11-1
Leading Scorer: Larkin (12G, 13A, 25P)
MVP: Larkin
Arrivals/Departures: Speedyturtle (departure)
Losing their star goaltender in Speedyturtle doesn’t hurt this team on paper, as the Penguins have two solid goaltenders in Turd and Cowboy, but it may have been a momentum killer for Pittsburgh. Larkin has been playing well with Serg up front, but the lack of defensive depth past Deadant is killing this team. Plisk has been playing everywhere for them, but Pittsburgh needs to acquire another natural defender if they want to return to their first week form.
5. Vegas Golden Knights
Record: 6-9-3
Leading Scorer: Nylander (9G, 15A, 24P)
MVP: Nylander
Arrivals/Departures: Gui (arrival) Castles (arrival), jamiebenn (departure)
Vegas had a good bounce back week going 4-4-1 and Nylander helped a lot with that. A talented and evasive playmaker, he helped put Vegas’s offense back on the right track. Trading Jamie for Gui was huge, as they now have one of the better top lines in the league in Yeap, Gui, and Nylander. If these three can get on the right page offensively, and CapCan and Yesse could hold it down in front of Sliyum, the Knights have all the tools needed for a playoff team.
A bit of a change in the land this week in the SPNHL with lots of big trades and teams moving up and down drastically in the standings. As we rapidly approach the halfway point of this season, there are still questions left to be answered: who will emerge as the top team in the East? Will anybody be able to beat Colorado? Will Anaheim continue their Cinderella story and get in a better position to get Kozmo his long sought-after cup?
Remember: SPNHL Off the Ice airs Saturdays at 10 pm EST on www.twitch.tv/thespnhl_media! See you there!
See you soon,
* DD