SPNHL Season 31: Conference Finals Review / Stanley Cup Finals Preview
By: Dirty-Dietrich & Cuban1616.
Well this is a very special article, in more than one, maybe even two ways. We’ll start with the obvious one: it’s the finals of the thirty first season of the SPNHL. It’s been a grueling two months, and only two teams remain in the pursuit of championship glory. Secondly, it’s the first time in four seasons that the finals don’t feature the Colorado Avalanche, which I applaud Eggman and Sedin for and want to say thank you for setting such a high standard for teams in this league (and to Pliskin for finally introducing the rule that destroyed the dynasty). Thirdly, we have the legendary Cuban, a member of the Western Conference champion Vegas Golden Knights and my very first GM in SP (S26 NJD STAND UP) sharing his expertise. And lastly, it’s my first visit to the finals as a GM and I’m fucking terrified.
This isn’t about us, though. This is about two phenomenal teams who served as underdogs in these playoffs battling through two rounds against tough opponents and colliding in the Cup Finals. We’ve seen dynamic offense and steadfast defense from both teams while playing in front of excellent goaltenders, but it all comes down to these next 4-7 games. I highly doubt this series will be a sweep, as I expect it to be incredibly competitive. Or, I could be wrong and one team gets absolutely dominated by the other. I hope it isn’t that.
Anyways, let’s see how the Conference Finals dictated the Cup Finals matchup. I could talk about how that series turned out, but let’s get some insight from the man who played through it. Take it away, Cubano!
WESTERN CONFERENCE
by: Cuban.
WESTERN CONFERENCE FINALS
Colorado Avalanche (1st) vs. Vegas Golden Knights (3rd)
Result: Knights win in 6 games.
As stated in Dietrich’s last article this would be the most anticipated matchup and it completely lived up to the hype.
Colorado and Vegas played 6 hard fought games with Vegas walking away the winning the series 4 – 2
The series could have gone either way with 5 out of the 6 games decided by 1 goal and 4 of the 6 games had a score of 2-1, while 3 of the games went into overtime.
This was a complete defensive matchup on both sides, with the forwards on both teams struggling to find ways to generate any type of offense.
Colorado, who many declared the team to beat after dismantling Winnipeg last series, found themselves in unfamiliar territory being down in a series and not able to really establish themselves as they did in the last series.
Vegas who were chalked up as the next victims after having finishing off Anaheim in their first series matchup came into the Colorado series with a nothing to lose attitude and it showed on the ice with their style of play.
This was a boxing match as stated by Vegas player NJs_VeryOwn.
Game 1 was a feeling out for both teams as they counter punched each other and tried to see what each team can establish which ended with a Colorado win in OT.
Games 2-6 Vegas seemed to have figured out the style of play they needed to implement and executed it to defeat Colorado and end their amazing season.
Cuban’s Finals Prediction
New Jersey Devils (2nd) vs Vegas Golden Knights (3rd)
New Jersey Devils
Strengths: Their Offence – With forwards Grammy (12GP, 15G, 8A, 23P) Serv (9GP, 5G, 10A, 15P), Rich (6GP, 4G, 9A, 13P) & Dirty (7GP, 5G, 7A, 12P) *DD note, I only play when Rich wants to play poker.* …These guys have been able to put the puck in the net and control the offensive zone all season and now in the playoffs they’ve had continued success and are in the Finals.
Their goalie play is not to be overlooked as Ciulla (7GP, 88.76 SV%, 89 SA, 10 GA) and Rancher (5GP, 86.67 SV%, 60 SA, 8 GA, 1 SO). These 2 guys have faced some extreme pressure and have been able to carry the load for NJ.
Weakness: Mental/Availability – Not to cop out here but after looking over the roster and checking the stats the only thing I feel that NJ is weak at right now is overthinking and schedules. I feel even if Philadelphia would have won its series versus TB that NJ would have beaten them and been in the Finals. So for NJ will they be able to mentally prepare themselves for a Finals in which they aren’t facing Colorado as expected but instead a team in Vegas that defeated Colorado and availability for his top guys. *DD edit, thanks for not talking shit about us.*
Vegas Golden Knights
Strengths: Experience – This team has a group of guys who are no strangers to SP playoff and finals hockey. The group of ACK, NJs, Uber, Prodigy and Cuban have played in and won multiple playoff games and each have played in and won the Finals in their respective careers.
The experience of this group showed in the Colorado series after a game 1 loss Uber sat himself after Vegas won game 2 with the pairing of Gods and Cuban playing better in the series and letting those 2 guys anchor the rest of the series
As for the forwards the composure and communication of ACK (11GP, 10G, 10A, 20P) and Njs (9GP, 7G, 9A, 16P) and Prod (7GP, 4G, 6A, 10P) have kept Vegas mentally ready for every game so far the entire playoffs
While Slim has literally been a wall in net for Vegas (9GP, 86.92 SV%, 107 SA, 14G)
Weakness: Hangover/Availability – After winning such an intense series versus Colorado can Vegas regroup and finish? I know that with the experience on the team it won’t be hard to refocus but how long will it take is the question? Availability goes for Vegas too. 1 or 2 of these main guys aren’t able to play is there depth there to make up for the production?
Finals – Vegas in 6
Not playing the bias card and saying something to stay neutral here.
Statistically both these teams are as even as can be:
NJ – 12GP, 30GF, 18GA
Vegas – 11GP, 28GF, 18GA
So the numbers don’t really tell the story of which team will have the upper hand going into the series.
So I’m going to say this will come down to matchups and the biggest matchup will be the goaltenders and which team will be able to help there goalie out by not giving the puck up and letting the other team capitalize.
Vegas are that team. Overall they have 3 great defenseman who are able to move the puck up the ice and the forwards have been able to come back and play amazing in the defensive end while not compromising their offense on the other end.
NJ has a great set of offensive skilled players and their goalie paring have themselves a few Cup Finals wins to show for it as well but I don’t feel the D pairing of Ceeg and Shirk will be able to handle the Vegas forwards and give the NJ goalies the assistance to keep the puck out of the net.
Good Luck to both teams.
Cuban aka K.O.D. *DD note: does the K.O.D. stand for King of Donair?*
“Is that cologne I smell? What about our “No cologne” agreement?”
EASTERN CONFERENCE
By: DD.
Eastern Conference Finals
New Jersey Devils (2nd) vs. Tampa Bay Lightning (4th)
Result: Devils win in 5 games.
We knew this was gonna be a clash of styles before we even started the series, and the Bolts and the Devils played a very close, hard fought series. After the first round sweep of the first seed Flyers, Tampa Bay were the heavy favourites going into this series due to their strong defensive play and exceptional goaltending. After splitting the first two games (where both teams averaged a goal a game), New Jersey won game 3 with a score of 4-2 and never looked back. They won the next two games by a goal a piece and won a very narrow series. The great goaltending by Rancher and Ciulla (averaging 1.6 GAA per game) combined with a great defensive team effort and an offense that capitalized on opportunities (including Serv COMIN’ ALIVE IN GAME FIVE) was enough to take the 2nd seeded underdogs (??) to the finals.
DD’s Finals Prediction
New Jersey Devils
Strengths: goaltending. Our offense is great, our defense (both blueline and team defense) has greatly improved since the beginning of the season and excelled in the playoffs, but the goaltending combo of Ciulla and Rancher is one of the strongest in recent memory. After having a rough regular season, Rancher stepped it up in the playoffs, winning a crucial game seven against Pittsburgh and shutting out Tampa in the first game of the conference finals, while Ciulla has won five of his seven starts in the playoffs. Their save percentages and goals against average are both in the top five (Ciulla leading playoff goalies in both categories), and they’ll need to keep up their spectacular play if the Devils want to win the Cup.
Weaknesses: experience. The Knights have a team with an extensive championship pedigree in SP, with Stoner, Prodigy, and Cuban all winning championships in the past and NJ and Gods_Plan appearing in their second consecutive Cup Finals. Ciulla and Racher have won Championships and Conn Smythe trophies in the past (Rancher last season, Ciulla in season 27), but the rest of the Devils squad doesn’t have as much championship experience aside from a couple Cup Finals appearances for Grammy and DD. They’ll need to play the best games of their lives on the biggest stage they’ve played on.
Vegas Golden Knights
Strengths: defense. The defensive core that the Knights have is outstanding, not to mention the defensive abilities of their forwards. Having NJ, Prod, and Stonerboy as a top line presents a hard forechecking and defensively conscious entity, and their defenders are no slouches themselves. GodsPlan is a Norris finalist for this season, Uber is an elite defender who has developed plenty of chemistry in front of his friend Sliyum (having trust in your defender is crucial for a goaltender), and Cuban is an all-time SP great and is a stud at defense, appearing in the playoffs after being an anchor for the lowly Columbus over the past two seasons. Having a trio of defenders with this talent is rare, and may be the deciding factor in this championship series.
Weaknesses: man this is tough. I’m gonna so with the same thing Cuban said, fatigue. After an incredibly hard fought series against the Avalanche that nearly went the distance, do the Knights have enough left in the tank to win four more games and secure their first title in four seasons? This is a team with a strong offensive core who has faced a very tough road in these playoffs. These last four wins were some of the most exhausting games that the Knights have played all season, will they be able to it four more times?
Finals – Devils in 7.
I’ll try not to be biased as well, as I believe this is going to be an incredibly challenging series that will go the distance. However, there are some slight advantages that New Jersey holds over Vegas, and these will be key for this upcoming series:
Discipline. The Knights have taken 29 penalties this playoffs, averaging over two penalties per game and more than doubling the total of the Devils (13). Normally this wouldn’t be too much of a problem, but the Devils are capitalizing on 31.6% of their power play opportunities and are known to draw penalties.
Depth. If they follow rules and play all their 10 players, the backup forwards for the Knights are still new to the team and may not mesh well with the other forwards. The Devils have had the same group of forwards since the beginning of the season and are all very familiar with each other, with their top line having chemistry with their backup forwards.
Dynamic offense. Prodigy and Stoner are top-tier forwards, but Grammy and Rich are two of the top wingers in the league. Having won Rocket Richard and Art Ross trophies in the past, these guys are known for their finishing abilities. Grammy has 15 goals in these playoffs and Rich scored more goals than anybody this past season by a large margin. Their finishing ability will give the Devils the advantage.
For the first time in three seasons, we are guaranteed a new Stanley Cup winner. The Knights were the last team who weren’t the Avalanche to win the cup, while the Devils are reaching their first Finals under the DD/Grammy banner. With renewed focuses on defense and team structure, expect this series to be played with a lot of grit. The offense in this series will be hard to come by, but when you see them, there will be flashes of brilliance.
We’re not sure if we’ll be doing a show during the Finals as I’ll be studying for midterms and pulling my hair out over the combination of school and SP. However, we’ll be bringing you the Cup review episode of SPNHL: Off the Ice this Saturday, where we’ll recap the season, announce award winners, and enjoy the bickering between Kozmo, Reap, Pliskin and I. Maybe we’ll even have special guests. Maybe Cuban? Not sure. We’ll find out. Don’t pester me!
Cuban, thank you so much for your addition to the article! I wish you and the Knights the best of luck this week. You guys are an incredibly talented team and after dethroning the Avs, you guys deserve to win the Cup.
We won’t make it easy.
-DD.

SPNHL Season 31: Playoff Round One Review/Round Two Preview
By: Dirty-Dietrich.
Three out of four ain’t bad, unless you were putting money on it. I got none of the game totals right, but we did eliminate four teams and are left with a very competitive final four. We’ve got the last two teams to win the stanley cup, the last two teams to win the President’s Trophy, an assortment of Hart Memorial, Rocket Richard, Art Ross, Lady Byng, Conn Smythe, and other trophies that you could fill the SPNHL Hall of Fame with (Pliskin, let’s get that started. We could build it in the middle of nowhere in Ontario).
Enough of the jokes though, we’re down to four teams: the dynasty known as the Colorado Avalanche, the Eastern powerhouse in the Tampa Bay Lightning, the well-balanced Vegas Golden Knights, and the dynamic offense of the New Jersey Devils. There’s an assortment of seed here, as the Avs were first in the west and are facing the third seeded Knights, while the East’s second seeded Devils are facing the fourth seeded Bolts. We saw some upsets on our way here, so let’s take a look at thow they came to be as we review round one.
WESTERN CONFERENCE
Colorado Avalanche (1st) vs. Winnipeg Jets (4th)
Result: Avalanche win in 4 games.
The Avalanche were unstoppable, as their defense buried the Jets in a short 4 game series. The Avalanche only gave up 3 goals throughout the entire series, while putting up an astonishing 4.5 goals a game. The Jets knew the odds were against them, but a Colorado offense that laid dormant until the later part of the season came alive in the games that matter the most, and quickly eliminated the Winnipeg squad.
Anaheim Ducks (2nd) vs. Vegas Golden Knights (3rd)
Result: Knights win in 5 games.
The Underducks (I can’t believe this stuck) put on a hell of a showing in the regular season, and we had a tied series after the first two games. However, the onslaught of the Knights was too much, as after a pair of one goal games, the Knights averaged 4 goals a game in their last 3 wins to put the Ducks out to pasture. It was a great season and a great story for the Ducks, but Vegas were undeniable on their path to break Colorado’s cup streak.
EASTERN CONFERENCE
Philadephia Flyers (1st) vs. Tampa Bay Lightning (4th)
Result: Lightning win in 4 games.
The Flyers were pegged to be a favourite to go to the cup in the East, as they were dominant in the regular season and secured the top spot in the East. However, the Flyers were suspect to one of the biggest upsets in recent SPNHL history. The Lightning are a solid team who underperformed all season, and stepped it up in the playoffs to keep the Flyers to 5 goals in 4 game compared to their 13. Will the Bolts be able to keep up their defensive dominance?
New Jersey Devils (2nd) vs. Pittsburgh Penguins (3rd)
Result: New Jersey in 7 games.
This series was fucking exhausting. It was up and down from the get-go. Pittsburgh won the first game, then dropped the next three games to Jersey. Facing elimination, the Penguins played a strong defensive game, shutting the Devils out in game 5 and 6 to force a game 7. In a marquee Friday night matchup, the Devils overcame the Penguins with a 3-1 victory. Will the lack of rest benefit or harm the Devils, as they head into a tough defensive matchup against the Bolts?
I want to extend my thanks to the Ducks, the Jets, the Flyers, and the Penguins. All of you guys busted your asses to get into a playoff position and gave everything you had when it came down to it. Obviously you may not have gotten the results that you wanted, but take the loss in stride, look at what you accomplished, and see what you can do next time to avoid to reinvent your exit (sorry, jamming Underoath right now).
Enough about you losers (<3), let’s get to the conference finals.
WESTERN CONFERENCE
Colorado Avalanche (1st) vs. Vegas Golden Knights (3rd)
This one is gonna be the series to watch, as it features the last two teams to win the Stanley Cup in the SPNHL (Vegas in S27, Colorado in S28-S30). There’s an interesting story line here as Sliyum traded the majority of his team halfway through the season, keeping a core of Prodigy, Stoner, and Doug. He acquired two players who played against the Avalanche in the cup finals last season in NJ and GodsPlan, so Vegas will be relying on their familiarity in order to dethrone the champs.
Strengths
Colorado: defense. Colorado lead the league with only 3 goals against in the previous round. Either their defensive system is that strong, or they just control the flow of the puck that much that the opposing team can’t get the puck in their zone. Nonetheless, the best defense is a great offense and when you have Egg and Sedin breaking it out to Go_Marc and Scoop, it’s hard to contend with that.
Vegas: offense. The Knights were second in their conference with 15 goals for and are averaging 3 a game. That number seems a bit average, but with offensive weapons like Prodigy, Stoner, NJ, and Frenchy, it’s only a matter of time until they click and start firing on all cylinders. It might be tough against the reigning champions, but it’s very much possible.
Weaknesses
Colorado: familiarity. The Knights have a group of players who are familiar with the Avs playing style, and if Vegas can retain their composure, they can counter it effectively. Very few teams are as aggressive and overwhelm teams as much as Colorado, so Vegas needs to do their homework and develop a strategy to counteract it. If they can do this, the Avalanche might be in trouble.
Vegas: Defense. Vegas really needs to tighten up in their end of the ice against a very strong Colorado system. They need to be putting pressure on the Avs and fight fire with fire, matching their aggressiveness and cutting off their zone entries. If they don’t do this, it’ll be a walk in the park for Colorado as they march on to their fourth consecutive title in the SPNHL.
Advantage: As challenging of team that Vegas will be to the Avalanche, the series will still go to Colorado. The Colorado system is a dangerous one that nobody has been able to crack the code to yet, and unfortunately for Silyum, this team won’t be the one to. Their team is strong, and they’ll be able to put up a great fight against the dynasty, but expect Colorado to take 4 close wins in a highly competitive series.
Prediction: Colorado in 5.
EASTERN CONFERENCE
New Jersey Devils (2nd) vs. Tampa Bay Lightning (4th)
I’m very excited for this series, as it features two completely different tales from the first round: a team who was able to get it’s work done quickly against a team who went the distance. The regular season series between the two teams was fairly even, and now brings us to what should be an intense playoff series. Will the Bolts finally make it to the Stanley Cup finals, or will the story of “Always a bridesmaid, never a bride” continue for TrueLegend and the Lightning?
Strengths
New Jersey: offense. They did play seven games in the first round, but the Devils are the highest scoring team out of the remaining four. Getting contributions from Rich, Grammy, Serv, and DD (I got a hatty in a game and didn’t do much else), the Devils have four solid forwards who can score when needed. Whether it be a pretty passing play or a garbage goal, the Devils know how to get it done.
Tampa Bay: goaltending. Tampa underperformed offensively all season, but were able to excel due to the performance of a strong goaltending duo in Vince and Back. The two backstoppers kept the offensive powerhouse in Philadelphia to 5 goals in their first round after averaging over 3 goals a game in the regular season. They’ll need to do the same against a dangerous Devils offense if Tampa wants to move within 4 wins of the Stanley Cup.
Weaknesses
New Jersey: consistency. It plagued us again and I’ll keep writing home about it until it changes. After winning 3 games in a row, the Devils were shutout in games 5 and 6 as they went from one win away from advancing to one win away from elimination. If they don’t keep a rhythm against the Tampa Bay Lightning, the Bolts will make short work of the Devils and result in another playoff disappointment for Jersey.
Tampa Bay: offense. The Lightning are usually an offensive juggernaut, but have been uncharacteristically quiet on the offensive front this season, while focusing on a defense-first philosophy. It’s one of the first times we’ve seen TrueLegend not in the scoring race, and with strong forwards like Dominando and Aali around him, it’s very odd to see such a low goal total from him and his team. They’ll have to keep up the momentum from their first round if they want to beat the Devils.
Advantage: Tampa’s regular season wasn’t so impressive, but their performance in the first round was. The Devils had the opposite, where their first round performance was quite underwhelming in comparison to their regular season performance. However, the Devils have a very capable team at all ends of the ice, and one that will be able to outperform a strong Bolts team. I believe in my own team, or I’m biased as fuck. You pick.
Prediction: New Jersey in 6.
I really wish I always had as nice and as productive of an environment to write these articles as I do right now (on a train coming back from Ottawa). However, not everything is as easy as you would like it to be, and this weeke will be no exception for our four remaining teams. All these teams have very potent offenses that are supported by a strong defensive core (except TB, suck it Noto) and have excellent goaltending, so if you can catch a Twitch stream in between getting clamped in LG, you should definitely tune in. There’s no hockey like playoff hockey because playoff hockey is sweaty like a desert marathon.
Eight more wins, clowns. You gotta win eight more games and you get a chance to virtually hoist the SPNHL Stanley Cup. Four of them are gonna come this week as you battle to see who the best team in your conference is. Don’t go for the highlight reel goals or try to cripple somebody with a hit, play an effective team game at both ends of the ice and you’ll find yourself one step close to championship glory.
Sorry for the lack of a show this past Saturday, Kozmo was sick and I was busy breaking my TV after watching that disappointing Leafs performance against the Coyotes. Hopefully we will be able to bring you another episode of SPNHL: Off the Ice as we recap the conference finals and get ready for the Cup finals.
To all the remaining teams, good luck. Let’s leave it all on the ice.
DD.

SPNHL, Season 31: Round One Playoff Preview
By: Dirty-Dietrich
That’s a wrap on the regular season! After a hard fought 5 weeks (unless you’re the Avalanche, who dominated the West for the whole season), the smoke has cleared and we have eight teams left to battle for the Stanley Cup! These next 3 weeks will push everybody to the limit in the pursuit of championship glory, and it will test the relationships that teammates have cultivated over the past month.
I’d like to extend my thanks to the San Jose Sharks, the Columbus Blue Jackets, the Edmonton Oilers, and the Toronto Maple Leafs for playing this season. Amidst certain obstacles, you all busted your assessment and made sure you fought hard every game in the attempt to make the playoffs. Now it’s back to the drawing board, and time to figure out a new strategy for next season.
For now, let’s focus on the remaining 8 teams and how they match up against each other. We’ll evaluate their regular season numbers, determine their strengths and weaknesses, and then make some bold claims on series predictions. Yes, you can hold me to these. I’ve already locked them in on the Discord server. In the words of Joey Diaz, “I’M GIVING YOU FUCKING LOCKS, PEOPLE”.
EASTERN CONFERENCE
Philadelphia Flyers (Seed 1) vs. Tampa Bay Lightning (Seed 4)
Philadelphia was predicted to finish second in the conference, while Tampa was projected to finish 3rd. As we can see, things don’t always play out like we expect them to and we are in for a goaltending battle this series. Chad has been phenomenal in net for the Flyers, while Vince and Back have back-stopped (get it?) the offensively underperforming Bolts to a playoff spot.
Strengths
Philadelphia: goaltending. Chad had an MVP caliber season in net that should put him in talks for the Vezina and Hart trophies. If he keeps it up, the Flyers will be 4 wins closer to the cup.
Tampa Bay: goaltending. With a former Vezina winner in Vince as their starting goalie, and Back as their back-up (another one), the Lightning can have faith in their goalie and play a little riskier.
Weaknesses
Philadelphia: expectations. This is the cop out answer, but a lot of people are expecting Philly to flop. We did it two seasons ago, as you ascend to the top of the conference but fail to advance in the playoffs. Plus, Philly didn’t play so we’ll to end the week, while the Bolts kept their momentum.
Tampa Bay: offense. Aali and TrueLegend are both great forwards, but their lack of production this season is a cause for concern in the playoffs. If their offense can’t get off the ground, then Tampa Bay are done for.
Advantage: overall, I give Philadelphia the advantage. The goaltending is about even, but the offensive and defensive edge go to Philadelphia. They’ve got a very deep team and no matter what five they put in front of Chad, they’ve got a very solid team.
Prediction: Flyers in 6.
New Jersey Devils (Seed 2) vs. Pittsburgh Penguins (Seed 3)
The Devils return to the playoffs, claiming the second seed in the East while the Penguins scored more goals than the Bolts, thus breaking the tie and staking their claim as the third seed. The scrappy style of the Penguins is a huge clash for the calculated, sharp shooting style of the Devils. Theres gonna be a lot of goals in this series, so keep an eye out.
Strengths
New Jersey: offense. When the Devils start scoring, it’s hard to stop them. With former Rocket Richard winners on the wings in Grammy and Rich, along with some strong offensive defenders at the point, the Devils have many offensive weapons.
Pittsburgh: grittiness. The Penguins go after the puck like it was a child stolen out from underneath them (watch National Geographic, kids). Their forecheck is among the best in the league, and their turnover capitalization rate is very high.
Weaknesses
New Jersey: consistency. The Devils opened up last week with 3 losses in a row, but won all 3 on the last game day of the week. This isn’t new for New Jersey, who has been plagued with this problem all season long.
Pittsburgh: depth. Pittsburgh has a decent core of players, but their back-up options aren’t the strongest. Serg has underperformed this season, while Pliskin and Bundy are solid utility players who may not excel at every spot.
Advantage: I may be a bit biased, but I gotta go with Jersey on this one. If the Devils can rediscover their defense-first style and play a little more conservative against the hard forecheck of Pittsburgh, they’ll open up offensive opportunities and capitalize.
Prediction: Devils in 6.
WESTERN CONFERENCE
Colorado Avalanche (Seed 1) vs. Winnipeg Jets (Seed 4)
The race for the final spot in the West was a combative one, but the Jets held off the Oilers and got the chance to challenge Colorado in the first round. This may look like a mismatch on paper (or digital script), but the Jets have beaten Colorado multiple times this season. Can they do it 4 out of 7 times? *Shakes Magic 8 Ball…*
Strengths
Colorado: system. Colorado has employed a defense-first system for 4 seasons, creating opportunities on breakouts and keeping minimal shots and time on attack against. When you have elite forwards like Go_Marc and Scoop getting great breakout passes from Sedin and Egg, it’s ridiculously hard to stop.
Winnipeg: offense. The top line of Reap, Kidmoney, and Triix is an all-time great one in SP. Reap and Kid’s puck movement combined with Triix’s ability to finish can spell doom for any team, and it may be strong enough to break Colorado’s cup streak.
Weaknesses
Colorado: expectations. Another cop out answer, but can you blame me? Colorado continues to build consistently exceptional teams, but how long can they continue to do so? That question has to be on the minds of the Avalanche.
Winnipeg: defense. The Jets have a great starting line, but their defensive depth is questionable. Beaster is a solid defender, while way2goal, Beto one, and NowYoDead are decent defenders. However, they don’t have a top tier blue liner who can pair with Beast to effectively shut down the attack of the Avalanche.
Advantage: the Avalanche are gonna face a tough team in the Jets in the first round. The games played here will be close, but ultimately, the overall skill of Colorado will be too much for the Jets as they progress on their way towards a 4th straight title.
Prediction: Avalanche in 5.
Anaheim Ducks (Seed 2) vs. Vegas Golden Knights (Seed 3)
This is a very interesting matchup, as it features a team projected to miss the playoffs as the higher seed against a team projected to win the conference as the lower seed. The Ducks have scrapped their way into the playoffs, while the Knights have been underachievers. However, we have two strong teams who are in for a very hard fought series.
Strengths
Anaheim: goaltending. Snipeshotty had one of the best rookie seasons in recent memory, carrying the torch and stealing plenty of games for Anaheim. If he keeps up this level of play, he might be able to steal 4 wins this round.
Vegas: depth. With a top line of Prodigy, Stoner, NJ, GodsPlan, Uber, and Sliyum, the Knights are already starting strong. When you have Cuban, Frenchy, and Doug as your backups though? Sheesh. Top to bottom solid team with a good chance of making it out of the first round.
Weaknesses
Anaheim: defense. CaptainCanada is a good defender and Shep is too, but there are not many other natural options at defense. The Ducks will have to play a good team defense in order to compensate for their lack of depth at the position.
Vegas: availability. Maybe they’ll have better availability in the playoffs, but the Knights have been plagued by availability this season. Between Sliyum not being around too much and Prodigy in the same boat, the Knights fell short in a few games that could have used their top guys, and that may be the case in these playoffs.
Advantage: if the Knights can get all their stars on the ice for the majority of this series, they should be able to overpower the Ducks and unfortunately for Snipeshotty, break the Anaheim Wall. This will be entertaining, but ultimately is gonna be won by the Knights in 6.
Prediction: Vegas in 6.
As we prepare for tonight’s festivities, I want to remind teams of this: these are the games that matter. The next potentially 21 games are more important than any other game you played this season. Treat every game like it’s a must-win, cut the fancy shit, and for the love of God, don’t dive (I’m looking at you, Grammy). But remember, you know, no pressure.
I apologize for my absence this past week, but I’m hoping to be present for an episode of SPNHL: Off the Ice this coming Saturday! Join Koz, Reap, Pliskin and I as we talk about how our teams did in round 1 and get our skewed perspectives on how round 2 will play out. In the meantime, best of luck to everybody tonight, tomorrow, and to the poor souls who may have to play on Friday!
-DD.

SPNHL, Season 31: Week Four Review
By: Dirty-Dietrich
As I spend another Monday morning and afternoon commuting to and from school, I find it’s time to write another article (I haven’t been asked about it yet, it’s like a brave new world). I think I put more time into this than my actual assignments, but fuck it. Worth it.
As we approach the final 9 games of the season, there is tension in the air of the SPNHL. All the rosters are now firmed up, so if you’re a GM who is pissed about your team’s play or a player who wants out, you’re shit outta luck. You gotta put your foot on the pedal and give it everything you got in order to get closer to championship glory. Making the playoffs is the first step, and one that requires the desire and commitment of everybody on board.
You may think the playoffs seeds are set in stone, but the only mathematically guaranteed playoff team is, you guessed it, the Colorado Avalanche. Another dominant season has claimed their first seed in the west, but the rest of the conference is still battling for a spot. The Knights, Jets, and Oilers are only separated by 7 points, and the third seed Knights could fall out of the playoffs completely if the rest of the pack surges. Never count yourselves out in the wild world of the SPNHL.
The regular season portion of season 31 is coming to a close, and this article introduction is following suit. Let’s see who’s got the momentum heading into this final week, who has to turn things around, and who might be one step closer to winning that Stanley Cup.
WESTERN CONFERENCE
1. Colorado Avalanche
Points: 61.
Trend: Upward.
MVP: Go_Marc.
Colorado maintained their stranglehold on the league with 7 wins this past week, and they are pretty much a lock for their second consecutive President’s Trophy. The Avalanche are allowing a league lowest 63 goals (less than 2 per game) and having a staggering goal differential of +69. A big part of their offense this season has been Go_Marc, who should be in the conversation for the Hart trophy. On what people perceived to be a weaker Colorado team, Marc has proven to be one of the most dominant players (42 goals and 44 assists in 29 games while being +53) on a championship caliber team. Will the Avalanche be the new Islanders and get a 4th cup?
2. Anaheim Ducks
Points: 45.
Trend: Upward.
MVP: Snipeshotty.
As they are now known, the Underducks (I think the trio of Shadow, Koz, and Ush came up with that rough nickname) are the underdogs no more, getting 13 points in a critical week 4. Their goal differential is still in the negatives (-1), but it doesn’t matter when you’re winning the majority of your games. Kozmo, Shadow, and Bean all claimed this, and the numbers don’t lie: Snipe has been the best player for the Ducks. He has faced more shots than any other goalie in the league (590) and has one of the best save percentages in the league (.861%). Will Snipe and the Underducks make a deep run in the playoffs?
3. Vegas Golden Knights
Points: 40.
Trend: Sideways.
MVP: Stoner.
Vegas accumulated 11 points in a week that wasn’t the strongest for this team, but enough to solidify their place as third seed in a very competitive playoff race. Their offense has cooled down a bit, but their goaltending duo in Sliyum and Doug are playing exceptionally well and winning the Knights some big games. The arrivals of Cuban and Uber will boost their blueline and pair well with GodsPlan. Stoner has amassed 37 goals for the Knights (4th in the league in that category) and has been dominant in the faceoff circle, winning more draws than anybody while retaining a 54.61 faceoff percentage. With a seemingly defensive style, the Knights might be the team to match up to the Avs come playoff time.
4. Winnipeg Jets
Points: 36.
Trend: Downward.
MVP: Kidmoney.
Winnipeg had a bit of a rough week, only getting 7 of a possible 18 points in a very crucial week. This inspired Reap to make a couple moves, sending toslick to the Sharks in return for another dynamic winger in Puckzone. Trading for a similar style of player is an interesting move, but will this be enough to spark the Jets’ engines and score some goals (they’ve got a -16 goal differential) as we enter an ever important week 5? Reaper’s assist total is crazy (44 assists, good for third in the league), but it’s been Kidmoney’s contributions in both the goal (28) and assist (32) column that make him the best player on the Jets. Both he and Reap need to step their game up this week if they want to hold that final playoff spot.
5. Edmonton Oilers
Points: 33.
Trend: Sideways.
MVP: LeCupidon.
Edmonton only got 8 points in week four, but was fortunate to close the gap between their team and the Jets by a point. They’ve got the second most goals against in the conference with 121, but their impressive offense is keeping their goal differential even and are giving this team a good chance to make it into the playoffs. His teammate Arrowhunter is second, but LeCupidon leads the league in assists with 55 and has been the best player for the Oilers for the majority of the season, and is an early candidate for the Hart trophy as he is tied for second in the league with 86 points in 31 games. He’ll need a lot of points in 9 games if he wants to play in the playoffs with the rest of his Oilers.
6. San Jose Sharks
Points: 24.
Trend: Sideways.
MVP: Single_G6.
The Sharks have been stuck in the mud for the past few weeks, never accumulating more than 8 points on a week and only gaining 7 this week. However, they ended the week on a winning streak and made a big move in acquiring toslick, who could form a dangerous line alongside Joe and G6. G6 remains this team’s (statistically, slick. Calm down) best player, and should be in consideration for the Selke trophy. He is able to produce offensively with 20 goals and 26 assists in 21 games and defensively with a giveaway to takeaway ratio under 3:1 and a 54.55 faceoff percentage. Scalz may want to thing about keeping him around for next season.
EASTERN CONFERENCE
1. Philadelphia Flyers
Points: 48.
Trend: Upward.
MVP: Pete! La Pistola! The Greek Geek!
Philadelphia continues to be a top team in the Eastern Conference, as they hold on to that first seed for the second consecutive week. They’re second in goals scored (120) and fewest goals against (84) in the conference, and are getting significant contributions at all ends of the ice. Chad the Bitch has been exceptional in net (the guy is really good at CoD too), but Pete’s resurgence has been one of the best stories of the season, as he is fifth in the league in points (80), third in the league in goals (41), and fourth in the league for takeaways (86). Philly Pete and the Flyers seem ready for a deep playoff run.
2. New Jersey Devils.
Points: 46.
Trend: Upward (ALL THE WAY UP).
MVP: Rich2K8.
My goodness did we have a bounce back week! New Jersey won 8 of 9 games this week and are riding a 6 game winning streak, while the focus has shifted from offense to a stronger team defense. Their goals against average continues to drop and they now win closer, low scoring games. However, Rich continues to be an offensive powerhouse in this defensive system, as his goal total has climbed to 59 and his point total has climbed to 90, both good for the league lead. Will the winning streak continue this week? NOT WHEN PLISK SCHEDULES US AGAINST COLORADO TWICE.
3. Tampa Bay Lightning.
Points: 43.
Trend: Upward.
MVP: aali.
The Bolts remain competitive in the race for first seed, gaining 12 out of 18 points in the past week. Their goal differential is starting to look a little more natural (+12) for a usual offensive powerhouse in Tampa Bay. They have the talent in True and aali to surge past the Flyers and Devils to claim top seed in the conference. Speaking of those two, it became between them for the team’s MVP as Vince’s numbers have fallen off a bit (still top 5 goalie in the league), so I’m gonna go with aali. Aali is second to True on the team with 26 goals and 22 assists, but he makes a difference whenever he is on the ice, going +15 and winning 54.12% of faceoffs. Will this duo recapture the glory that True and Redflag had many moons ago?
4. Pittsburgh Penguins
Points: 38.
Trend: Sideways.
MVP: Bstie.
Pittsburgh is in a comfortable spot in the fourth seed of the conference, being 10 points ahead of their closest rival and if they continue to play like they have been recently, they won’t be giving up that spot. They lost the majority of their games last week, but some overtime losses helped them keep pace with the rest of the conference. Bstie was a big addition to the core of the Penguins at the beginning of the season, and has proved to be their best player. His 32 goals and 49 points lead his team (fix the stats on the site, Turd) and his defensive stats (75 takeaways, 54.17 faceoff percentage) are some of the best in the league. Let’s hope the Penguins maintain this momentum as they head into the playoffs.
5. Toronto Maple Leafs
Points: 28.
Trend: Downward
MVP: Is there one? I guess Execution.
Oh boy. The Leafs are really shitting the bed this season, and are now winless in their past 10 games. They made it to overtime twice this week and lost both times, and now Jayscott must focus on rebuilding a team that can compete next season. The fall of the Leafs is almost comparable to the Edmonton Oilers in 2006: Cup finalists one season, basement dwellers the next. Execution is still having a Norris trophy worthy season, leading all defenders with 3 goals and 28 assists for 31 points, while shutting players down with 84 takeaways. Jayscott should follow suit with Scalz and keep his best player around (sorry Stam and Fish, that isn’t you).
6. Columbus Blue Jackets
Points: 27.
Trend: Downward.
MVP: DJFreeze.
The Jackets are almost out of the basement, and if they keep playing the way they have while Toronto has fallen apart, they can avoid laying claim to the bottom team in the East! They had some good pieces that were moved to greener pastures, so it’s interesting to see how next week will turn out for Pemm and Columbus. DJFreeze has been this team’s best player and now shares the points lead for the team with Duckweed. His 20 goals in 20 games to go along with his 21 assists is good for the best point per game toal on a team that has struggled to find their groove. Back to the drawing board for the Jackets (tip, draft an elite goalie! (sorry Pemm))
One more week. One more chance to make a run for the playoffs, one more chance to solidify your position as a top team in the league, and one more chance to develop chemistry before you start facing the best of the best on a regular basis. These next 9 games will be make or break for every team in the league, so players have no reason not to give it all. Unless you want to tank. That’s cool too.
Off the Ice returned this past Saturday, and Koz, Reap, Plisk and I are looking to bring the show to you on a more regular basis. Check us out every Saturday at 10 pm on https://www.twitch.tv/thespnhl_media as we bring new the latest news and voice our somewhat relevant opinions as Koz and I bicker about bullshit while Plisk laughs at us and Reap’s phone cutting in and out. We love it!
Best of luck to everybody over the course of this next week! I can’t wait to see some of you folks in the playoffs, and I hope everybody who doesn’t make the playoffs has been working on their putting game!
-DD.

SPNHL, Season 31: Week Three Review
By: Dirty-Dietrich
So, I would have had this one done sooner but it was the Royal Rumble weekend. Yeah, I like watching half-naked guys and gals kicking and doing flips over each other. Deal with it.
Let’s get back to the business at hand. We just surpassed the halfway point of the season, so the playoff picture is starting to take shape. It’s like when the film from a polaroid starts to develop, and you see Colorado at the top of the West again. Some things never change but some changes start to happen, like Toronto falling out of their playoff spot after starting their season at the top of the conference.
With these changes happening, adaptation is necessary. Toronto moved a large portion of their core and got some great talent in return as they anticipate a playoff push with two weeks left. San Jose has made some big moves recently and are looking like a much stronger team than they did at the beginning of the season. These teams realized what their weaknesses were, and made moves to correct it.
So, enough chit chat about teams changing (or else I’ll go into a tangent about how shit the Devils played last week (we blame the tuner)). Let’s look at numbers and see how the teams are doing as we enter the final two weeks of the season.
WESTERN CONFERENCE
1. Colorado Avalanche
Points: 47.
Trend: Upward.
MVP: Go_Marc
The Avalanche are on a 14 game win streak. We thought they didn’t have as strong of a team as last season, but they are proving otherwise. With their defense-first and good puck moving system, Colorado has the least goals against and the highest goals for and goals against differential, being +50. Marc is doing very well, maintaining a 3.0 PPG and scoring more than a third of his team’s overall goals (34). It’s going to be incredibly difficult to beat these guys in a single game, let alone a series!
2. Anaheim Ducks
Points: 32.
Trend: Upward.
MVP: Snipeshotty.
The Ducks are proving to be a great underdog story this season, as they sit in the second playoff spot after being projected to finish near the bottom of the league. They play a very scrappy style and know how to eek out victories in those very close games. Snipeshotty continues to make his case for not only the Calder trophy, but also the Vezina. He brought his GAA below 3, and kept his save percentage around .860% to help the scrappy Quack Pack ascend in their conference.
3. Vegas Golden Knights
Points: 29.
Trend: Sideways.
MVP: Stonerboy.
The Knights made some interesting moves over the past week, sending top players in Execution, Wally, and Tarasenko in return for Uber, GodsPlan, and NJ. They’re still one of the better teams in the West, but the moves yielded average results. Stonerboy continues to lead the offensive charge for the Knights with his 50 points in 24 games (2.1 PPG), and his 55.95 faceoff percentage is among the league’s best for starting centres. Hopefully Sliyum’s investment pays off this week.
3. Winnipeg Jets
Points: 29.
Trend: Upward.
MVP: Kidmoney.
The Jets had a great week as they moved into a tie for the third seed in the West. The offensive power that a core like Triix, Slick, Kid, and Reap is starting to show, and you can expect them to make a play for that second playoff seed soon. Kidmoney has stepped up his game this week and is contributing around a goal (0.9 GPG) and around an assist and a half (1.4), good for a tie with the best PPG on the team with Slick Steiner. Will the longtime duo of Kid and Reap return to the promised land?
5. Edmonton Oilers
Points: 25.
Trend: Downward.
MVP: LeCupidon.
While offense is still no issue in Edmonton (pacing the conference with 99 goals), there is a need for defense and the departure of u12bme may be costly to a strong Oilers squad. Being 4 points out of a playoff spot, the Oilers need a big week to stay competitive. LeCupidon is leading the league in points and has been dishing the rock with incredible results, as his 3.0 PPG includes just under two assists per game. If Edmonton’s defense and goaltending can step their game up, this might be a playoff team due for a deep run.
6. San Jose Sharks
Points: 17.
Trend: Sideways
MVP: Single_G6
San Jose retained their momentum from last week, gaining 8 out of a possible 18 points and did not make any progress in the standings. However, they have the potential to bite their way into the playoff picture with a very potent offense. Single started as a goalie in this league, but proved to be a very capable defensive forward (as he has been in other leagues). He’s accumulated a 2.5 PPG (18 goals and 20 assists through 15 games) great takeaway:giveaway ratio (3.3:1) and a stellar faceoff percentage (52.73). The Sharks have almost all the pieces they need to find their way out of the basement and into a playoff spot.
EASTERN CONFERENCE
1. Philadelphia Flyers
Points: 34.
Trend: Upward.
MVP: Fine… Chad.
The Flyers have emerged as the top team in the Eastern Conference, breaking last week’s three way tie for the second seed. They have the highest goal differential in the conference (+25) and after picking up Wally, have one of the best back ends in the league. Chadkillz has played in all but one game for this Flyers squad and is certainly a difference maker. He’s got 17 wins to go along with his 2.3 GAA and a .852% save percentage. I don’t think this Philly team is relinquishing that top spot anytime soon.
2. Tampa Bay Lightning
Points: 31.
Trend: Sideways.
MVP: Vince.
The Lightning put up 10 points this week as the rest of the division struggled, enough to claim the outright second seed with two weeks left in the season. Their goaltending has been supreme, with the lowest goals against in the conference at 64. However, Tampa is scoring at an uncharacteristically slow pace, only scoring 2.5 goals a game. Vince is still playing strong for Tampa, saving .851% of shots and possessing a very low GAA of 2.18. If Vince can get some offense in front of him, Tampa may be a lock for the playoffs.
3. New Jersey Devils
Points: 30.
Trend: Downward (what the fuck happened?)
MVP: Rich2K8.
Did we shit the bed or what? The Devils had a disappointing week going 3-5-1 while falling from first to third seed in a tough Eastern Conference. Pacing the conference with 95 goals, but also being second in the conference for goals allowed with 80, the Devils need to tighten up defensively to make the playoffs. Rich is still playing like a madman, 1 point behind the lead league for points but still scoring 2.18 goals a game, good for a 3.2 PPG. If we keep sucking, we’re missing the playoffs again. LET’S STEP IT UP, DEVILS.
4. Pittsburgh Penguins
Points: 29.
Trend: Upward.
MVP: Larkin.
The Penguins are kind of like the Ducks of the East: they’re a scrappy team who are winning close games when it counts (they have an identical goal differential of -4). Ending the week with two losses after going 6-1, the Penguins are primed for a push for that second seed, which is only 2 points out of reach. Larkin remains an offensive star for the Pens, as his 2.3 PPG (15 goals and 17 assists in 14 games) has helped the Penguins emerge as a contender from the Eastern conference and proven a lot of doubters wrong. Let’s see if they can kick the doubter’s asses in the playoffs.
5. Toronto Maple Leafs
Points: 26.
Trend: Downward.
MVP: Fish.
Toronto had a dismal week that lead to the dismantling of the majority of their team, with only 5 of their original 11 players remaining on the roster. As somebody who’s done that same flip in the past (thanks for reminding me of it every god damn week, Peace), I think it’s necessary sometimes and Jayscott knows how to build a team and has traded for a very capable one. Fish is still leading the offense in Toronto with his great puck dispersion getting him 35 assists, and with the league leading defender in Execution joining the squad, expect their offensive output to grow.
6. Columbus Blue Jackets
Points: 19.
Trend: Downward.
MVP: Freeze
In a playoff picture where the conference leader and the fifth ranked team in the conference are separated by 9 points, the Jackets are the odd team out. The big issue that needs to be addressed is goaltending (sorry Pemm), as Columbus has given up 130 goals this season, an average of 4.8 goals a game. Rough.n an offensively struggling team, Freeze has emerged as a solid player with an average of a goal and an assist per game (14 goals and 15 assists through 14 games). It’s now or never for the Blue Jackets if they want a shot at the playoffs. STEP IT UP, CUBANO.
We’re heading into week four, so it’s time for teams to get their shit together. Every game of these remaining 18 are crucial, so everybody’s gotta be putting in 110%. No team is mathematically eliminated from the playoffs yet, and every team has a roster capable of making it into the final 8. You need commitment from everybody at both ends of the ice to be successful.
Also, you read it here first: SPNHL: Off The Ice is returning this coming weekend! More details will come shortly, but Kozmo and I have stopped hating eachother and have elected to reunite to deliver the show for the greater good of the league.
See you clowns on the ice! And then this weekend for Off the Ice! And if you step to Wally, you’ll become part of the ice! Ice!
-DD.

SPNHL, Season 31: Week Two Review
By: Dirty-Dietrich
Because I’m writing this article while watching a UFC FIght Night, there’s gonna be a few references to mixed martial arts in this article. With the normal SPNHL season being 5 weeks, it’s kind of like the 5 round format of a championship fight. Week two can be the recovery stage for some who don’t have the strongest start, or it can be the week where teams who started strong continue their dominance. However, those aren’t the only paths that a team can take, as there are many leading to the promised lands.
There are some key things teams need to evaluate after the second week: who your best players are, what the strongest aspect of your team is, what your biggest weakness is, and much more. Now this is easier said than done, but something you need to consider even if you are a top team. Look at Tampa Bay: they’re fourth in the East but only 2 points out of a tie for first in a stacked conference. However, they’re the lowest scoring team in the conference. The Lightning need something to spark their offense, and they need it more than ever.
Let’s check in on the standings and see if any teams and/or players have made an impact. Is Colorado on top of the West? You bet. Why would you expect any differently? Now, the Eastern conference is a little bit different: the race for the top seed is tighter than that crevice that James Franco had to cut himself of in 127 Hours (had to go PC for this one, sorry lads). Lesgo!
WESTERN CONFERENCE
1. Colorado Avalanche
Points: 29.
Trend: Upward.
MVP: Go_Marc (yeah!)
The Avalanche were in unfamiliar territory this week: a losing streak! After losing to Philly (OT), Anaheim, and Winnipeg, Colorado turned things around and won out the week with 5 straight wins. Their defense and goaltending has been solid (37 goals against), but the hero of Denver right now is my boy Go_Marc. Leading the team in points while possessing a 2.5 PPG and already at +15, Marc is having a great bounce back season hoping to get Egg and Sedin a 4th straight cup.
2. Vegas Golden Knights
Points: 22.
Trend: Upward.
MVP: Execution.
Vegas started out their week similarly to Colorado with a bit of a losing streak dropping their first two games, but winning 5 of their remaining 7 games put the Knights back on track. Their offense has been very prominent with 66 goals (good for second in their conference), but Execution has been the strongest Knight on the ice. Still possessing a 1.2 PPG at defense after 17 games while being +14, Ex is the best defender in the league right now, and making Vegas one of the strongest teams.
3. Anaheim Ducks
Points: 20.
Trend: Downward.
MVP: Snipeshotty.
Now, the Ducks are a very interesting case as these guys could be the scrappy underdogs of the season who prove me wrong. They have a very dangerous offensive core and their goaltender, Snipeshotty, has been unreal for them. He is saving .856% of shots, but still has a 3.0 GAA and has won 5 of his 13 starts. Anaheim lack defense, as they have a -4 goal differential and have lost 5 of their last 6. Let’s hope Koz and Shadow turn their squad around and consider investing in defense to try and give snipeshotty (who faces 20 shots a game) some help.
4. Edmonton Oilers
Points: 19.
Trend: Sideways.
MVP: LeCupidon.
Man the Oilers had a rollercoaster of a week. They started with 5 straight wins over some top level teams, then dropped 3 games in a row to some shitter teams (and Colorado in one game), then said “fuck it” and posted double digits against the Ducks. If they can find consistency, this is a very dangerous team (tied for first in the league with 73 goals). Arrowhunter is still killing it, but LeCupidon is leading Edmonton’s offense with 52 points and averaging 3.5 points per game and proving that he is one of the best players in this league.
5. Winnipeg Jets
Points: 16.
Trend: Downward.
MVP: toslick (too sweet).
The Jets didn’t have the strongest week, as they averaged 1 win and 2 losses every night. 2 of those losses were overtime losses, but the extra points could have put them into a playoff position. The thing that surprises me is that they have such a strong top 6: Giroux, Beaster, Triix, Reap, Kidmoney, and THE BIG BAD BOOTY DADDY toslick, who leads the team with 16 goals and a 2.5 PPG in 11 games. Reap, sort your shit out and get one of the best starting lines into a playoff position. NOW.
6. San Jose Sharks
Points: 9.
Trend: Upward.
MVP: Puckzone.
The Sharks got some wins! Holy shit! Scalz made a great trade (sorry Pete) in sending Soiceyboyz (1 goal in 8 GP) to Philly in return for Puckzone (18 goals in 12 GP) and Pucky has helped the Sharks put up some numbers in the win column. San Jose defeated some playoff teams this week and has proven themselves to be a scrappy team, kind of like Anaheim, capable of surprising teams and moving up in the standings if they and Puckzone (12 goals in the last 5 games, 3 of those games beinf wins) keep up their pace.
EASTERN CONFERENCE
1. New Jersey Devils (NICE)
Points: 23.
Trend: Upward.
MVP: Rich2K8.
The Devils finally won 3 in a row in a night and won 5 of their last 6 games this week, after losing 2 games for a respectable 6-3 week. New Jersey still has their offense firing on all cylinders (tied for first with Edmonton with 73 goals for), but is starting to work on their defense, only allowing 9 goals in their past 6 games with two shutouts. Rich is still spearheading the offense for New Jersey, scoring an insane 34 goals in 13 games while adding 18 assists, good for a 4 PPG and a share of the league lead with 52 points. (Grammy, look at us go! DBS taught us well!)
2. Philadelphia Flyers
Points: 22.
Trend: Sideways.
MVP: Yesse (because fuck Chad and Pete and Muse isn’t doing well enough 🙁 )
PistolPete and the rest of the boys in Philly had a respectable week, getting 10 points and moving up to the second seed in the conference. They’re our rivals, but they’ve got my respect. They’ve got one of the best goalies in the league in net, they got solid defense options and it shows (46 GA), and they have a solid forward core being paced by Yesse. The Redbeard has 16 goals in 10 games with a 2.5 PPG, and is one of the key parts to this strong Philadelphia team. See you soon, boys!
2. Toronto Maple Leafs
Points: 22.
Trend: Downward.
MVP: Fishhure.
The Toronto Maple Leafs dropped from the top of the conference last week, only getting 8 points in a very competitive conference. They’re only one point out of first seed and share the second seed with the Flyers, but the Leafs need to recapture the magic of that Stanley Cup finals run from last season. They still have the best penalty kill but have struggled on the power play. Fishhure is still contributing well offensively for this squad, with 23 assists and 31 points through 11 games. However, he needs help from the rest of his squad to regain their lead of the East.
4. Tampa Bay Lightning
Points: 21.
Trend: Downward.
MVP: Vince.
Tampa Bay did not have the best finish to last week, losing 5 of their last 6 (one overtime loss) and really struggling offensively. True has an abundance of defenders, so he may need to consider moving one of his 4 defenders and a forward for a high-scoring forward to shake things up. They are tied for the least goals allowed in the league (37) because of the hard work of Vince. He’s saved .870% of shots against and is the reason that a low scoring Tampa team isn’t losing every game. Tampa needs to turn it around and back their boy up!
5. Pittsburgh Penguins
Points: 19.
Trend: Upward.
MVP: Larkin.
After losing their first three games this past week, the Penguins upset a lot of folks and won 4 of their last 6 games this week. As Bstieboy said, the Penguins are starting to figure it out and they are dangerous. Turd is having a great rebound season in net, and the addition of Bstie to the core of the Penguins has worked out well, especially for Larkin. Larkin has exploded with 24 points in 8 games while retaining a +10, and if he can play a little bit more for Pittsburgh, the Pens are going to be a tough team to stop.
6. Columbus Blue Jackets
Points: 12.
Trend: Sideways.
MVP: Duckweed!
Duckweed is making a name for himself! Well done! The Jackets doubled their point total from last week with 8 points, but didn’t have the best finish to the week as they dropped their final 3 games. However, things are looking up in the Columbus camp with some recent arrivals in Ezz and Lavoie making an impact, but Duckweed is still carrying the offensive weight with 11 tallies in both the goal and assist column over 9 games (22 points), good for a 2.4 PPG average. Let’s see if the Jackets can double their point total again and put up 8 wins next week! (Do it Pemm, I (kinda) believe)
Okay, the Cejudo vs. Dillashaw fight is starting so I’ll wrap this up. We’re approaching the halfway point of the season and teams are finally starting to find their identity. The Oilers and Devils are offensive teams, the Bolts and Avs are defensive teams, and the Jets are an underachieving team (FIGURE IT OUT). If your team is still struggling to find your style of play, get on that before other teams who are confident in their abilities eat you alive.
Anyways, I hope everybody is enjoying the beta tuner! You gotta love it when they go back to a different version of a game after 4 MONTHS OF PLAYING IT. I look forward to seeing everybody on the ice, and if you’re upset about what I wrote about your team, do something about it!
Holy fuck, Cejudo just knocked out Dillashaw. What the fuck just happened.
Goodnight everybody!
-DD.

SPNHL, Season 31: Week One Review
By: Dirty-Dietrich
 
And we’re off! The 31st season of the SPNHL is underway, and the more things change, the more they stay the same. Colorado is on top of the league again, but not undefeated this time! The Lightning, who are third in the league, prevented the Avs from going 9-0 to open the week for the second (potentially third) consecutive season. The Toronto Maple Leafs are also playing very well, putting themselves second in the league after a strong week to start the season.
 
Not all teams were as fortunate as the Bolts, the Buds, and the Champs, as the Sharks (hate to say I told you so) went in the exact opposite direction and did not amass a win this week. Columbus looked to be on the verge of sharing that same fate, but they finished the week with two straight wins. The first week can be a struggle for some teams as they try to develop chemistry and strategy. Those who are familiar with each other, such as Toronto, will have it in spades while some teams, like San Jose, lack it completely.
 
Let’s take a quick look at the standings and see how everybody is doing. We’ll talk about their trends, their transactions (if there are any), and their performance. We’ll keep it short and sweet and try not to be too biased, but no promises (the best players on the Blue Jackets are Trout and Cuban, shoutout to the S26 Devils).
 
WESTERN CONFERENCE
 

1. Colorado Avalanche

Points: 16.
Trend: Upward.
MVP: Turtle.
 
The Avalanche haven’t been as dominant as they were last season, but have still been incredibly successful. They’ve been averaging just over 3 goals a game, but their starting goalie Turtle has been playing very well, going undefeated in 6 games and saving 83% of shots behind a defensively solid Avalanche squad.

2. Vegas Golden Knights

Points: 12.
Trend: Downward.
MVP: Execution.
 
After starting the week 4-1, the Knights struggled in their last 4 games going 1-2-1. They scoring plenty of goals and their special teams numbers are great but they’ve been edged out it in close games, suffering two overtime losses. Execution has been a stalwart at D for the Knights, posting 12 assists to go along with a +11 rating and a 2-1 giveaway to takeaway ratio as he starts strong in his return to the league.
 

3. Anaheim Ducks

Points: 11.
Trend: Sideways.
MVP: MrBean.
 
Where the fook did this guy come from? The Ducks have exceeded my expectations, taking third place in the conference after an off and on week. Their games were very close, with a low goal differential and 3 overtime losses, but one of their most consistent scorers was the rookie MrBean. He put up 11 goals in 9 games, including a 5 goal outburst against the Jackets to go along with his 8 assists.
 

4. Winnipeg Jets

Points: 8.
Trend: Upward.
MVP: Giroux.
 
The Jets had a difficult week, going 4-5 while facing some of the more talented teams. One of their strengths was goaltending, only giving up 3 goals per game and having both goalies above an 83% save percentage. Giroux won 3 of the 6 games he played and was instrumental in winning games behind an offensively lacking Jets squad. But now that they’ve traded for Trixx, their offensive struggles may be over.
 

5. Edmonton Oilers

Points: 7.
Trend: Downward.
MVP: Arrowhunter.
 
The Oilers had a rough start to the season, having one of the tougher schedules which ended up dismantling the team, resulting in the departures of Julien and Frenchy. Sharing the team lead with Cupidon in points, Arrowhunter was an assist machine and had no penalty minutes while being one of the best players on this team. Hopefully some new arrivals in Edmonton will bring success with them.
 

6. San Jose Sharks

Points: 1.
Trend: Downward.
MVP: Dafoumanchew
 
The Sharks were not looking like the strongest team heading into this season, and it showed in this past week. Not getting a single win and only amassing a single point, San Jose has some work to do. Their special teams numbers were dismal, but there is some light at the end of the tunnel. Although there wasn’t much of it, Daf lead the team in scoring and if he can develop chemistry with Joe, the Sharks could rebound next week.
 
EASTERN CONFERENCE   
 

1. Toronto Maple Leafs

Points: 14.
Trend: Upward.
MVP: Fish.
 
The Leafs picked up right where they left off, starting out the season with 7 wins in 9 games. After being the last seed in the East last season, the Stanley Cup Finalists are emerging as the team to beat in their conference. They have the best penalty kill in the league and some of the best offense, being lead by the 6 goals and 18 assists of Fish. With a very familiar team, expect very familiar results to last season.
 

2. Tampa Bay Lightning

Points: 13.
Trend: Sideways.
MVP: Vince.
 
Perennial conference favourites, the Bolts are off to a great start again, winning 6 of their 9 games. However, they dropped 2 of their last three games, losing a bit of momentum going into this week. They still have a very strong team, and are backstopped by arguably the best goalie in the league in Vince. He’s pacing the league with just under an exceptional 91% save percentage and a 1.33 GAA.
 

3. Philadelphia Flyers

Points: 12.
Trend: Upward.
MVP: Not Chad. Let’s go with Pete.
 
The Flyers had a roller coaster of a week and came away with 6 wins, after alternating 3 wins and 3 losses to start the week. Their special teams numbers are great, and they’ve got great offensive contributions from all sides, but Pete delivered this week. He’s fifth in the league in points (19) and goals (10), and has been leading his Philadelphia squad by example with a strong supporting squad.
 

4. New Jersey Devils

Points: 11.
Trend: Upward.
MVP: Rich2K8.
 
Grammy and I packed our bags and headed back to Jersey and started stronger than last season, getting 5 wins and 4 of them in our last 6. The Devils are leading the league in scoring and are averaging just over 4 goals a game, and are being paced by Rich who scored an absurd 15 goals in 6 games to go along with his 9 assists for a league leading 24 points. Holy shit, we discovered our scoring touch!
 

5. Pittsburgh Penguins

Points: 10.
Trend: Sideways.
MVP: Bstie.
 
The Penguins have a very similar squad to last season, much like the Leafs, but weren’t as successful as the latter. However, they didn’t do that bad with 4 wins and two overtime losses, putting themselves fifth in the conference. Their core is developing chemistry and with the addition of Bstie, who leads the team in scoring with 8 goals and 11 points, Pittsburgh could contend in a stacked conference.
 

6. Columbus Blue Jackets

Points: 4.
Trend: Upward.
MVP: Duckweed.
 
Well, Pemm and the Blue Jackets didn’t exactly come flying out of the gates, only amassing 2 wins in 9 games. The good news in that is that Columbus is on a two game winning streak! The arrival of the new French Connection (Julien, Frenchy, and Lavoie) should compliment Duckweed who has been Columbus’s highest scorer (9 goals and 5 assists) and arguably their best player. Who knew?
 
One week is not the be all and end all, so I encourage teams not to panic (maybe too late, some teams have already flipped half their squad). Take some time to develop your strategy and build chemistry before sending your players away or giving up on your season. Or don’t, screw it and try to rebuild from scratch. I did it and won a President’s Trophy like that, so maybe you can too!
 
Nonetheless, I wish everybody the best of luck as the season rolls on. I look forward to seeing all of you out on the ice!
-DD.

SPNHL, Season 31: Season Preview
By: Dirty-Dietrich & Chadkillz134
 
Going into the draft with only one other player used to mean that you either traded most of your resigns for picks or the team bailed on you after the season. Well, the new one resign rule gave everybody an even playing field as they prepared to build a team. Now, the dust has settled on one of the deepest drafts in recent memory and there are a bunch of teams who could win the Stanley Cup this season.
 
There are some favourites out of the gate, such as the Leafs (who kept nearly the exact same team as last season’s Eastern Conference champions) and the Golden Knights (who reassembled a good portion of their cup winning squad from Season 27). There are also some teams with great potential such as the Oilers (who have more Frenchies than a café but a stacked squad) and the Penguins (who retained most of their underperforming core from last season but added considerable firepower) who could stun many people and make a run for the cup.
 
The Chode and I took a look at the teams and got their GMs to send their prospective starting lineups for us to analyze and sometimes criticize. We’ll look at teams strengths, weaknesses, and rank the teams in the order we expect them to finish in. Last season I didn’t do so well with my predictions, so hopefully the Master of the Flying Poke Check can share some of his insight and make more accurate predictions. Let’s start with our good old friends Kozmo and Shadow and their Ducks, and make our way alphabetically through the rest of the league.
 
Anaheim Ducks
 
Projected Lineup:
LW: iam_Mrbean
C: agesquod
RW: Brodtshadow13
LD: captain21canada
RD: Dynasty1989
G: Snipeshotty
 
Strength: offense. Alright, it was tough to find the strength for these guys, but they have a bunch of good options up front. Ages is a former Calder winner, Shadow had a great showing at RW last season, and he insists newcomers like MrBean and FreakGrizz will be great forwards.
Weakness: defense. Having 2 defenders can often leave you scrambling for ECUs, but what if you have only one. Dynasty and Kozmo can play D with CapCan, but the lack of options at D could prove to be the Achilles’ Heel for this team.
Ranking: The Ducks have a decent squad, but they aren’t the strongest in their conference.They may have a chance at the playoffs depending on how their rookies play, but expect them to be one of the odd teams out. We place them 10th out of 12.
 
Colorado Avalanche
 
Projected Lineup:
LW: Go_Marc
C: Xx__Scoop__Xx
RW: Neeposh_patrick
LD: Eggman-1
RD: Sedinpower
G: Jcpens22
 
Strength: defense. Eggman and Sedin have been the league’s best defensive pairing for three seasons in a row. It makes sense to keep it together, but adding Bergy to the mix gives Colorado one of the strongest defensive cores in the league.
Weakness: offense. Go_Marc is solid and PLANET PATRICK is always worth a visit, but their other options aren’t as proven and could be a big gamble for this team. Expect Marc to play more LW than LD this season.
Ranking: Colorado have always used a defensive system and it has brought them success. With an elite defensive core and decent goaltending options, expect the Avalanche to be a playoff team and finish 6th in the league.
 
Columbus Blue Jackets
 
Projected Lineup:
LW: Al_bundy128
C: Diirty_Triix_13
RW: ChiefTrout
LD: Cuban1616
RD: BETOBONE1
G: Pemm
 
Strength: offense. Triix, Trout, Bundy, Smitty, and DJFreeze make up a very good core of forwards including some who are familiar with the Jackets’ hard forechecking style of play. Expect the front of the opposition’s net to be busy.
Weaknesses: goaltending. Pemm is a decent goaltender, but he has struggled in the past. Hockeyman, like all rookies, is a big question mark that could pay dividends for Columbus. For now, he’s still unproven, and the Jackets may have some trouble in net.
Ranking: the Jackets didn’t have the greatest of seasons last season (even though the bastards nearly beat us every time we played them) and their lack of depth at defense and net will be their downfall again. Expect them to finish dead last (prove me wrong, guys).
 
Edmonton Oilers
 
Projected Lineup:
LW: julien23454
C: Frenchy3131
RW: LeCupidon
LD: u_1_2_B_me_
RD: lacigalblanche
G: SgtVandoos
 
Strength: chemistry. Julien, Frenchy, and Blanche all play with each other outside of SP. They broke into the league last season and made the playoffs. Expect them to do a bit more damage with an elite forward like Cupidon with them.
Weakness: goaltending. Nearly the exact same damn thing as Columbus. A veteran mid-tier goaltender (the numbers don’t lie) and a rookie goaltender may struggle a bit and hinder an otherwise solid team.
Ranking: I can see this team doing better than they did last season. They added some depth to the places that were lacking last season and kept their main squad together. Expect them to finish 9th overall, but 4th in the west and grabbing that final playoff spot.
 
New Jersey Devils
 
Projected Lineup:
LW: GrammyHands
C: Servnspike
RW: rich2k8
LD: ceeg87
RD: Dirty-Dietrich
G: Cuilla19
 
Strength: goaltending. Ciulla is great as a starting goalie, but when you have last season’s Vezina trophy winner as a backup? The Devils can put any of their two goalies out there and feel confident in their own zone.
Weakness: defense. CeeG, Royal, and McAvoy have all proven their worth in other leagues, but their availability could cause a bit of an issue. Looks like my ass is gonna have to play D when they can’t, and that’s a liability.
Ranking: the goaltending is great, the offense is too, the defense is the only question mark, but what the hell. I’m confident in my team. I think we’ll finish 7th in the league and grab the 4th playoff spot in the conference.
 
Philadelphia Flyers
 
Projected Lineup:
LW: PistolPete7788
C: ae_MuSe
RW: Yesse__
LD: Uberpwned_6969
RD: Shaynestaa
G: chadkillz134
 
Strength: chemistry. I play with these guys on an almost nightly basis, and know Muse, Pete, and Bowdown are dynamic together. With other offensive options like Yesse and Puckzone available to play the right side, this team will be dangerous in the offensive zone.
Weakness:.Chad and I are editing this article together and it’s a struggle. I say their weakness is defensive depth. Shayne and Uber are great, but Belak (formerly known as jielking) and Steavex aren’t necessarily top defenders (TBH, I like steavex a lot Great dude, I just had to find a weakness other than goaltending depth because Chad would kill me).
Ranking: I really like this team because I know how much skill they have and how well they play together, It may surprise some people, but I think they finish 4th overall and take the second seed in the Eastern conference.
 
Pittsburgh Penguins
 
Projected Lineup:
LW: SA_Pliskin
C: Bstieboydp
RW: Sergein
LD: Jamie14benn14
RD: DatsALLimSayin
G: turdburgler169
Strength: chemistry. Another team who are incredibly familiar with each other and have played multiple seasons together. Serge and Plisk should be even more dangerous now that they’re anchored on the line by the mighty Bstie.
Weakness: defense. Jamiebenn is great, but I909 and DatsAll (folks) may not be enough to hold the line with Benn when needed. Pliskin could fall back and have Larkin play the wing, but the need at defense should be addressed immediately.
Ranking: The Penguins have the talent but fell short of the playoffs last season. Turd should have a great bounce back season but it may not be enough to take the final playoff spot from us. They’ll finish 8th and miss the playoffs by a couple of points. Sorry!
 
San Jose Sharks
 
Projected Lineup:
LW: Nuttyoutlaw13
C: SMOKESHOWJOE
RW: shepard-88-
LD: PNCPark2k1
RD: scalz_yanks_24
G: sINGLE-g6
 
Strength: goaltending. Single-G6 has been one of the better goaltenders in the league for the past two seasons, and having Dafoumanchew and Soicey on the squad adds a lot of depth in net for the Sharks.
Weakness: defense. Scalz is a good defender and Herb is a very versatile player, but PNCpark is usually a goaltender and his defensive acumen will be tested this season. Shep may need to drop back and play a few games at D.
Ranking: Although they’re strong in net, the Sharks have a lot of the mid-tier old guards at forward. They’ve proven to be somewhat successful in the past, but I don’t think this is the best team Scalz has built. I see them finishing 11th and last in the West.
 
Tampa Bay Lighting
 
Projected Lineup:
LW: Truelegend07
C: AAli-21
RW: L_DominanDo_L
LD: Kanyes-Ego-
RD: Notorious250
G: VinceT13
 
Strength: chemistry. True is a stud, but this is the first time in a few seasons he doesn’t have Redflag by his side. Instead he resigned a great goalie in VinceT and picked a very solid centre AAli in the first round of the draft. He also added guys like Dom and Noto who are proven players in SP. Kanyes-Ego is coming into this season as a rookie but has found a lot of success in other leagues. This team has a very strong starting 6
Weakness: depth. Besides the starting 6, I see some question marks. True picked up 2 rookies in the draft: a defenseman in Cshirk85 and a centre in JLAden. If these guys can step in when needed and make a difference, that will make this team even better.
Ranking: Tampa has a great team but ultimately i think the lack of depth will cost them.I see Tampa taking the 3rd seed in the Eastern conference but 5th in the league
 
Toronto Maple Leafs
 
Projected Lineup:
LW: Fishhure
C: |9|-Stamkos-|1|C
RW: NJs_VeryOwn91
LD: Gods3_3Plan1
RD: M1keal
G: fivestarcoock
 
Strength: chemistry. Theres is a recurring theme here, and that’s teams who were built last season getting redrafted. Fish, NJ, GodsPlan, and Fivestar all went to the Cup Finals. Throw Stamkos at centre, and that team may return to the promised land.
Weakness: depth. Outside of a solid top 6, their options are miniscule. Peace is a solid backup goalie, but the other options at D and forward aren’t as strong as some of the other teams’ options. They’ll need their top 6 to play a lot.
Ranking: These guys are agitators who will get in the heads of their opponents all season long. Jay did a good job at rebuilding a team but making it stronger, so expect these guys to finish at the top of the conference and 2nd in the league.
Vegas Golden Knights
 
Projected Lineup:
LW: ProdigyToLegend
C: ACK-stonerboy
RW: |-tarasenko91-|
LD: DrWally
RD: eXecuti0n80
G: SliyumShady
 
Strength: depth. These guys do not have a bad player on the team. Prodigy, Stoner, and Tarasenko could be a lethal top line, and having Wally and Ex as a defensive pairing in front of Slim fortifies the strongest back-end in the league.
Weakness: availability. Sliyum was plagued with it last season, and it may be another case of it this season. Wally, Ex, Stoner, and Prodigy don’t have full availability, so they’ll need to rely on their backups to carry the torch. Good thing they have the depth.
Ranking: this is the best team in the West. Top to bottom, they have a very talented squad and have a championship pedigree. This team will win the President’s trophy and claim the top seed in the Western conference. NUMERO UNO SLIYUM!
 
Winnipeg Jets.
 
Projected Lineup:
LW: Reaper_2313
C: Kidmon3y
RW: toslick
LD: X_beaster_X
RD: Xx_At_Ezzz_xx
G: cgiroux11
 
Strength: offense. These guys have a very talented top 6 who all have great offensive acumen. Slick meshed perfectly with Reap and Kid, and Ezz and Beaster are both great offensive defenders who will ignite the Jets’ engines (HA).
Weakness: too high expectations. TBH, this team is one of the most solid teams I’ve seen Reap put together in years. Some other folks said that as well, and Reap is always gunning for the top. This is the cop out answer TBH. They have a great team.
Ranking: I’ve already said very good things about this team, and if their performance is equal to what they did in the latter half of last season, they will live up to it. Giroux is gonna backstop them to the 2nd seed in the west and 3rd overall.
 
Final Rankings

1. Vegas Golden Knights (1st in the West)
2. Toronto Maple Leafs (1st in the East)
3. Winnipeg Jets (2nd in the West)
4. Philadelphia Flyers (2nd in the East)
5. Tampa Bay Lightning Flyers (3rd in the East)
6. Colorado Avalanche (3rd in the West)
7. New Jersey Devils (4th in the East)
8. Pittsburgh Penguins (5th in the East)
9. Edmonton Oilers (4th in the West)
10. Anaheim Ducks (5th in the West)
11. San Jose Sharks (6th in the West)
12. Columbus Blue Jackets (6th in the East)

 
UGH. That was exasperating. Looking at the teams, it was very hard to find weaknesses for some, which means either I suck at my job or this will be one of the more competitive seasons we’ve had in quite some time. I’m very excited to see how this season plays out, as the playoff race will be very intense seeing as we have 12 teams and eight playoff spots. Wills will be tested (tongue twister), friendships will be shattered, rivalries will be created, and all will be left on the ice in the pursuit of championship glory.
 
I’d like to thank Chad for helping me out with this article, perhaps he’ll be contributing more in the future. In the meantime, make sure to tune into SPNHL: Off the Ice at https://www.twitch.tv/thespnhl_media. Not too sure what time or when the next episode will be, but we’ll make sure that you know. In the meantime, best of luck to all teams at the beginning of your season, and if you don’t like what I’ve said, prove me wrong. I’m just a mouthy asshole anyways.
 
See you on the ice,
 
DD & Chad.

It’s draft time again, join us at 8pm est.  You can following along using our live draft board.  https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/1eNenJfAZAvb7VS-o06IBTHP3vHB-PWegxpXBhkQz_Bs/edit#gid=0
Stay tuned to the league discord public chat for a link to the live broadcast hosted by Kozmo and Dirty-Dietrich.  See you all at 8pm and best of luck,  See you on the ice.