SPNHL, Season 32: Week Two Review
By: Dirty-Dietrich.
I’m sick and tired of Dusty finishes to the main event of a Pay Per View. Wrestlemania had to end with controversy surrounding a pinfall? For the love of fuc-
Sorry for getting sidetracked. It’s been an exhausting week/weekend. I’m done all my essays now and just have to focus on exams and maybe some SP. Wicked. With that being said, week two of season thirty two is in the books! We saw teams stray further from their composition at the beginning of the season, and saw some squads get overconfident and sliiiide down the rankings. This will happen though, as the more talented teams usually take a week or two to gel and become the dominant forces who win their conference.
There isn’t really a way of telling what the best team structure is this season. The old cliche “defense wins championships” is being disproved as Tampa and Vancouver are scoring their way to the top of the standings. The Penguins are tied for the league lead based on a gritty, workhorse style, and Los Angeles is benefitting from Chad the Bitch having the season of his life. While there are some strong teams, no “Cup Favourite” has emerged from the pack yet.
Every team has their flaws, and with one week left before the trade deadline, teams need to find identify them and make the moves necessary to correct them. Trades and drops/pickups have been in abundance already this season, with some teams building fantastic squads out of next to nothing (why hello, Vegas). Nontheless, let’s take a look at the two winners and two losers per conference from week three, and talk about some changes they need to make.
EASTERN CONFERENCE
Winner: Tampa Bay.
Last 10: 7-3-0.
Important Stats: 75 Goals For (1st in league), 39% Powerplay Conversion (2nd in league).
Trajectory: Upward.
MVP: Legendary
Tampa Bay has remained the offensive powerhouse of the league, averaging 4.16 goals for per game and having an electrifying powerplay, converting on nearly 40% of their chances. Uber’s offense first mentality worked with pieces like, Ajax, Panini Boy (Full Melt), Stamkos, and Stoner all putting up stellar offensive numbers. Legendary has stood out from the rest, sharing the team lead in goals (18) and holding the outright lead in points (33). Will the Lightning be able to maintain their torrid pace?
Winner: Pittsburgh.
Last 10: 6-2-2.
Important Stats: 40% Powerplay Conversion and 86.5% Penalty Kill (both 1st in league).
Trajectory: Upward.
MVP: TragicMagic.
Pittsburgh is playing a very similar style that took them to game 7 against the eventual Stanley Cup Champs from last season, with their league-leading special teams efforts being their bread and butter and demonstrating their hardworking style. Serg, Plisk, and Turd have held their ground at their positions, but the fourth returning Penguin in TragicMagic has emerged as an elite defensive forward with 10 goals, 60 hits, 21 takeaways and a 54% faceoff win rate in 9 games. Will Pittsburgh’s hard work ethic lead them to championship glory?
Loser: New York.
Last 10: 4-4-2.
Important Stats: 82 Goals Against (Last in league), 9 Regulation losses (3rd in league).
Trajectory: Downward.
MVP: Deathclown.
Scalz and his Rangers continue to fall out of the playoff picture in a thriving Eastern conference, but the issue isn’t offense or even defense; goaltending has been the catalyst for the Rangers performance. Former GM Pemm is having a decent season, but PNC is having a dreadful season, and the duo is giving up 4.55 goals per game, more than any other team in the league. DC27 remains an offensive force for the Rangers with 16 goals in 7 games, but they need to get some better goaltending if the Rangers want a shot at the playoffs.
Loser: New Jersey.
Last 10: 5-4-1.
Important Stats: 66.67% Penalty Kill, -7 Goal Differential (both 4th last in league)
Trajectory: Downward.
MVP: Rich.
This isn’t a fun spot to be in. The Devils built a defense-first team, but that has come at the cost of limited offensive production. Turtle has struggled recently, but his lack of goal support has been notable as the Cup champs are averaging 2.7 goals a game, with Rich scoring most of them. Scoring just under half of his team’s goals (23 out of 49), Rich needs some help offensively. Either DD, Smoke, AJ and Saunter need to step it up, or package one or two of them for a stronger forward (trade me pls).
WESTERN CONFERENCE
Winner: Los Angeles.
Last 10: 7-2-1.
Important Stats: +27 Goal Differential, 42 Goals Against (Both 1st in league).
Trajectory: Upward.
MVP: Hypey.
Los Angeles was my pick from the onset of the season to be a cup contender, and their success is not shocking given the talent that they have. Chad is having a season to remember in L.A. (82.20% save percentage, 2.64 GAA) while Yesse, Hypey, and Petey have combined to form one of the most dominant top lines in the league. Hypey has been lights out for the Kings, notching 19 goals and 18 assists in 11 game played. The Kings might be the Kings of the league this season.
Winner: Vancouver.
Last 10: 7-1-2.
Important Stats: 70 Goals For (2nd in League), 54.1% Penalty Kill (Last in league)
Trajectory: Upward.
MVP: Bstie.
The Canucks are similar to Tampa in that they are on offense-first team that struggles defensively. However, they’re an offensive juggernaut that is holding the second seed in the Western Conference on the backs of play from Triix and Bstie, the league leader in goals and points with 32 goals and 18 assists in 14 games. The Canucks should not touch their offense, but goaltending should be something that bounces back as Fivestar starts to play more games.
Loser: Edmonton.
Last 10: 3-5-2.
Trajectory: Downward.
Important Stats: 36 Goals For (Last in league), 15.4% Powerplay Conversion (2nd last in league).
MVP: Beaster.
Once again, Vandoos has decided to trade half the team and keep the Edmonton player carousel spinning around, moving Jason and Shayne for Shawn and Bufford. They needed to make a move for offense, so moving two offensive defenders for a defensive defender and a utility player is questionable. Beaster has played the utility role well for Edmonton, with 8 goals and 8 assists in 9 games at a forward, but the lack of consistency around him has resulted in a miserable plus minus. Trading Cupidon was the beginning of downfall of the team, so they need to get a scorer back. Maybe Shawn will be that scorer…
Loser: Winnipeg.
Last 10: 3-7-0.
Important Stats: 44 Goals For (2nd last in league), 11.6% Powerplay Conversion (last in league).
Trajectory: Downward.
MVP: Cupidon.
The Jets have rebounded from an early setback and have built a strong team from the rubble. The issue is now chemistry, which Winnipeg seems to have a hard time developing. They have great pieces now in acquiring Shayne and Cupidon, but now Reap and Kid have to find that magic with Cupe and Egg has to find rhythm with Shayne. Cupidon has done well in Winnipeg with his new partners, with 15 goals and 18 assists in 16 games. However, the Jets may start scoring more with a more well-rounded lineup now.
These next 9 games will be either team-making or team-breaking. It sucks trading players because you develop a relationship with them on and off the ice, but sometimes it’s completely necessary. You need to make sure you’re getting a good return, otherwise you completely fuck yourself over. I’ve seen both sides of this coin, I’ve flipped teams and either missed the playoffs or won a President’s Trophy. THe buyers and sellers will come out of the woodwork at the deadline, so prove your value to your team if you want to stay. Otherwise, pack your bags kiddo.
Good luck this week, and we’ll see you on the ice!
-DD.

SPNHL, Season 32: Week One Review
By: Dirty-Dietrich.
Alright, let’s see how fast I can fly through this. I spent the past four days writing essays and creating liberal propaganda. Now, I’m making burritos for tomorrow and making spaghetti and sausage for tonight. Skip meatballs, man. It’s a game changer. I’m also watching the Leafs vs. Islanders game and they’re booing the shit outta Tavares again. Avery was right to go off on them. Fuckem. Back to business.
Week one of the thirty-second season of the SPNHL is in the books! In traditional SP fashion, one team has changed over half their roster in a not-so-successful first week. However, there are some bigger storylines than that: one first round pick has already fallen out of the league, a team that started with five straight wins is on a four game losing streak, and many more interesting anecdotes which we will explore.
The first week of the season can be make or break for some teams, and can project the trajectory of their season. With Kozmo and Ransom returning to familiar territory the top of the SPNHL standings, and Vandoos returning to the unfortunately familiar territory of the bottom of the SPNHL standings (and making a series of trades), we begin to see how the next five weeks might go for some teams.
Let’s take a look at the two winners and two losers from week one per conference. We’ll look at their record, their trajectory, and their MVP. It’s a lazy format that I’ve recycled for a season now (maybe we should call this winners and losers?), but it works. Let’s dive in!
EASTERN CONFERENCE
Winner: Washington Capitals.
Record: 7-2-0.
Important Stats: 100% Penalty Kill, 18 Goals Against (1st in the league).
Trajectory: Upward.
MVP: Westside.
Kozmo’s Kapitals (letterplay, let’s go) ascended to the top of the league in the first 9 games, going 7-2-0. As mentioned above they have been a defensive powerhouse, with former Selke winner Ransom and the defensive pairing of Rankin and LeMollz forming a very effective C-D-D combo. Their goaltending has been lights out, with Westside emerging as their MVP with 4 wins in 5 games, saving 88% of shots and possessing a very good 1.4 GAA behind Washington’s stagnant defense.
Winner: Tampa Bay Lightning.
Record: 6-2-1.
Important Stats: 42 Goals For, 36% Powerplay Conversion (both 1st in the league).
Trajectory: Upward.
MVP: Stonerboy.
The Bolts were touted for their offensive prowess prior to the season, and they have not disappointed. Contrary to the Capitals, Uber’s Tampa Bay squad has been offense first, averaging 4.66 goals a game. Ajax is a good puck moving D, and passing to a pair of former first overall picks in Stamkos and their MVP Stoner (putting up 10 goals and 10 assists in 5 games for 4 points a game) make the Lightning incredibly dangerous and a team to watch in the East.
Loser: New York Rangers.
Record: 3-5-1.
Important Stats: 37 Goals Against (2nd last in league).
Trajectory: Upward.
MVP: Deathclown.
The thing about the Rangers is that if they were in the West, they would be in a playoff spot. Scalz is struggling in an ultra competitive Eastern Conference, with his team having good but not great stats across the board with the exception of the goals against category. Canadasbest and Single-G6 have formed a solid top line with Deathclown, as their second overall pick in DC27 paces the Rangers with 10 goals and 6 assists in 5 games, good for a tie for second in the league lead for goals.
Loser: Toronto Maple Leafs.
Record: 4-4-1.
Important Stats: 16.7 Powerplay Conversion (3rd last in the league).
Trajectory: Downward.
MVP: NJsVeryOwn.
Shadow’s Leafs started strong, going 4-2-1 in their first 7 games, but failed to crack the top four in the East after dropping their last two games this week. Once again, they have solid stats across the board, but are competing in a stacked conference. The defensive pairing of GodsPlan and Noto have held their own, while Mr.Bean has played a great support role to NJ, as both are averaging a goal a game with NJ holding the team lead with 9. Maybe the arrival of Serv will help Toronto climb the rankings.
WESTERN CONFERENCE
Winner: Los Angeles Kings.
Record: 6-3-0.
Important Stats: 36 Goals For and 20 Goals Against (2nd in the league for both).
Trajectory: Upward.
MVP: Hypey.
Los Angeles had a rough start to the season, but PistolPete and ChadTheBitch turned things around and finished the week with four wins in a row. The Sudzy trade for Yesse and Benn through the week seemed to help this team and Yesse is filling in nicely on a line with Pete and Hypey, the driving forces behind the offensive powerhouse of the West. The latter has 9 goals and 12 assists in 6 games, while holding the best plus-minus in the league with +15.
Winner: Nashville Predators.
Record: 5-2-2.
Important Stats: 30.4% Powerplay Conversion (2nd in the league), 34 goals for (3rd in the league).
Trajectory: Upward.
MVP: Shaggy.
Well these guys certainly proved me wrong. Peacekeeper and the Predators (more rich alliteration content) disproved my theory of them being a bottom utility team and have risen to second in the west. Averaging just under 4 goals for a game, the Predators have a load of offensive talent including Serg, Oriole, Benner, Freeze, and Shaggy. Shaggy has played phenomenal for Nashville and leading the rookie points race with 19 (4 goals and a league leading 15 assists).
Loser:Edmonton Oilers.
Record: 1-6-2.
Important Stats: 17 Goals For, 38 Goals Against (last in league for both).
Trajectory: Downward.
MVP: Beaster.
Oh boy, here we go again. Vandoos and the Oilers have fallen to the bottom of the league again, succumbing to some poor offensive and goaltending performances. Moving Serv for Shayne and Muse may spark the offense for the Oilers, but they need to evaluate their defensive structures. Beaster has contributed at both ends of the ice, averaging 3 points a game at forward and putting in a lot of time at defense (albeit not having the best stats). Will the new arrivals bring life back to Edmonton?
Loser: Winnipeg Jets.
Record: 3-5-1.
Important Stats: 14.3 Powerplay Conversion (Last in the league), 34 Goals Against (3rd last in the league).
Trajectory: Downward.
MVP: Reaper.
Albeit marred with controversy, Winnipeg did not have the best week to start the season. They suffered on the powerplay and also couldn’t buy a save. Losing a first round pick doesn’t help either, but Kid and Reap should be energized by the arrival of LeCupidon, a top talent in the SPNHL. Reap put up 2 points per game this week, averaging a goal and an assist in each game he played. With Eggman and Royal holding down the defensive fort, will the new look Jets be able to get off the ground?
Fuck there was a lot of puns in this article. It doesn’t matter.
What does matter is how teams perform this week. One week isn’t enough to derail your season, unless you and your team completely give up. Don’t do that. Alternatively, don’t get too cocky when you find yourself at the top of the standings. Luck can change at the drop of a puck, so don’t take your success for granted. Keep the pressure up, and get ready for another four weeks of hell. We love SP.
Not sure what is happening this weekend given its WRESTLEMANIA WEEKEND and such. I’ll probably be watching G1 Supercard on Saturday, but keep informed in the chat to find out when Koz, Plisk, Reap and I will be bringing you the next edition of SPNHL: Off the Ice over on www.twitch.tv/thespnhl_media! You can also watch archived episodes and listen to us make asses of ourselves.
Thanks for reading, good luck this week, and we’ll see you on the ice!
-DD.

SPNHL, Season 32: Season Preview
By: Jake H. Dietrich.
It’s the calm before the storm again, and the wailing sirens in the intro to Propagandhi’s “Note to Self” are very fitting to be writing this article to. The lead singer is a fan of the Toronto Maple Leafs, who are the only team with a rookie GM this season and a team that went from disaster last season to looking like a contender this season.
Enough about trivial facts, let’s get down to business here. After the dynasty dismantled last season, the New Jersey Devils rose up to claim the crown of the Stanley Cup Champions of the SPNHL. Defending that crown is going to be more difficult than ever, as there are 11 very talented teams who have the potential to make a run at the cup in the thirty-second season of the SPNHL.
There are some all-time greats returning to the SPNHL, talented rookies looking to make a name for themselves, former GMs returning to management positions and tons of other intriguing stories heading into this season. Being the last 5 week season before the lengthy summer season, there will be a mad dash for the finish line, and starting your season with a series of wins is crucial for teams who want to be in that playoff picture.
Let’s take a look at the 12 teams we’ve got in contention this season. We’ll take a look at their projected (for the GMs that didn’t DM me) or actual (thank you to the GMs that did DM me) starting lineups, and give a quick profile of their team. At the end of it all, we’ll rank them by conference and get an idea of how the playoff picture is gonna look. Don’t bet on it, I’m not Miss Cleo giving out free readings.
EASTERN CONFERENCE
NEW JERSEY DEVILS
GM: Dirty-D.
Starting lineup:
LW: SmokeShowJoe.
C: Dirty-Dietrich.
RW: Rich2K8.
LD: DBS.
RD: Bergy.
G: Turtle.
And we’re back! Rich and I return with a strong defensive squad featuring former Norris winner DodgeBlueShells and two key players on last season’s Colorado squad: Bergy and Turtle. Joined by forwards such as Joe and Saunter and with a depth chart that includes MinorThreat and IMC, we feel that our Devils will have a similar build to the defensive juggernaut of the real Devils in the 2000s.
TEAM RATINGS:
Offense: 3. Rich is a phenomenal goal scorer, and the defensive playmakers we have surrounded him with will keep him scoring goals. However, will the lack of additional elite talent weigh us down?
Defense: 5. With a starting duo of DBS and Bergy, a defensive focus at forward, and utility players who can step up and carry the load when duty calls, we feel very confident in our ability to defend our net.
Goaltending: 4. Turtle was the starting goalie for Colorado and William M. Jennings trophy winner last season, and he and rookie Sleepeh will form a strong duo in New Jersey.
NEW YORK RANGERS.
GM: Scalz.
Starting lineup:
LW: MJVoell.
C: Deathclown.
RW: Single-G6.
LD: Nowell.
RD: Smiirk.
G: PNCPark (the whole arena).
After a disappointing season, Scalz returns with the strongest team he has had as a GM in this league. Having the second overall pick for a second consecutive season, Scalz is almost becoming the real-life Edmonton Oilers of the SPNHL (might get confusing, don’t worry about it). With two second overall picks in single and Clown being paired with MJ in front of nowell and Smiirk (or Chief and Scalz) and PNC in net, the Rangers have a good chance at making the playoffs.
TEAM RATINGS:
Offense: 4. They have plenty of talent at forward, and probably would have gotten 5 out of 5 if it weren’t for the poor availability of their starting C and LW. However, if the team makes playoffs, they’ll be a force to be reckoned with.
Defense: 4. Arguably the deepest defensive core in the league, the Rangers have 4 skilled natural defenders who can support the explosive offense on breakouts and in the offensive zone.
Goaltending: 3. PNC is a decent goalie, but has had trouble in SP in the past. Playing behind a team like the Rangers should make life a little easier for PNC and hockeyman, for those games PNC can’t play.
PITTSBURGH PENGUINS
GM: Turd.
Starting lineup:
LW: jmm420.
C: Arrowhunter.
RW: Jeff.
LD: Pliskin.
RD: Monokuuu (PLAYS DEFENSE FOR YOUUU).
G: Turd.
Turdburgler made the playoffs in his second season as a GM, with the Penguins taking the eventual champions to seven games in the first round. While keeping a couple key players in Pliskin and TragicMagic, the Penguins have a new look on offense with Jeff, JMM, and Arrow forming a dangerous top line with supporting options in Monokuuu, Duckweed, and “Holy fucking shit it’s Baseball Mike”.
TEAM RATINGS:
Offense: 4. Jeff is an unbelievably talented player and JMM could be the leading scorer amongst rookies, but will Arrow be a flash in the pan and Tragic’s defensive style match with these two wingers? Will the rookie wingers in Vital and Huncho be as successful as the other wingers on this squad?
Defense: 3. Plisk and Mono are good defenders, and BaseballMike will support them well, but they don’t have the talent at D to compete with the other teams in this conference.
Goaltending: 4. Turd is turd. He’s a great starting goaltender and doesn’t get the credit he deserves. He’ll be the main and perhaps only goaltender for Pittsburgh.
TAMPA BAY LIGHTNING
GM: Uber.
Starting lineup:
LW: xLeGenDaRyy.
C: Stonerboy.
RW: Stamkos.
LD: Uber.
RD: Ajax.
G: Rancher12345.
That top line may be one of the strongest in the league. Uber is carrying on the TrueLegend legacy in Tampa by building one of the strongest teams not only in the conference, but perhaps in the league. Stamkos, Stoner, and Legend have incredible offensive prowess on that line (housing two former first overall picks) and Uber found himself a stalwart of a defensive partner in Ajax. Backstopped by Rancher and Daf while also having Full_Melt and PoolMagician as reserves, it’s gonna be hard to beat the Bolts.
TEAM RATINGS:
Offense: 4. With an incredibly dangerous top line, the Lightning already have an edge over most teams. With Full_Melt and Pool as backups, the Bolts are easily one of the strongest offensive teams in the league.
Defense: 4. Uber and Ajax are one of the best starting pairs in the league bar none, but the lack of depth at the position may cause some issues in case one of them can’t play a game.
Goaltending: 4. Rancher is a former Vezina and Conn Smythe winner and was crucial in New Jersey’s cup victory last season, and with a strong support in Daf, it will be very difficult to score on Tampa this season.
TORONTO MAPLE LEAFS
GM: Shadow.
Starting lineup:
LW: MrBean.
C: Shayne.
RW: NJ.
LD: GodsPlan.
RD: Notorious.
G: Shadow.
Shadow took over the Leafs this past offseason and made a huge move by trading the first overall pick for an all-star defender in GodsPlan and a first round pick. He got Gods’ brother in NJ and built a solid squad with Noto as Gods partner on the back end, while Shayne and Calder winner MrBean form the top line with NJ. Shadow will backstop this squad with Defacin as his backup, and reserve options in Muse, Jared, and Appler compliment this Toronto squad nicely. Will this Toronto squad fall apart like they did halfway through last season?
TEAM RATINGS:
Offense: 4. NJ and Bean are solid wingers who can score goals, but will Shayne or Muse emerge as the starting C? Both are capable, as Muse is a natural C with lower availability and Shayne is an RD with higher availability. Time will tell.
Defense: 4. GodsPlan is a stud at LD, and Shayne can play RD if need be. My question marks are Appler and Noto. Both have experience at D, just haven’t had oodles of success at the position. Maybe this season marks a change.
Goaltending: 3. Shadow is a good goalie, but after a solid couple of seasons at RW, his move back there makes me question it. Not too much is known about Defacin, so his perennial question mark brings down this team’s grade.
WASHINGTON CAPITALS
GM: Kozmo.
Starting lineup:
LW: Extendo.
C: Ransom.
RW: Fluri.
LD: Rankin.
RD: Le-Mollz.
G: Snipeshotty.
Kozmo comes back to the East after some regular season success in the West and brings back Ransom, who has helped Koz get to the finals before. He forms a top line with Fluri and Extendo while Rankin and Le-Mollz hold down the fort in front of the best goaltending duo in the league in Snipeshotty and Westsidehockey. With depth forwards in GermanGretzky and Aurelduhaime and defenders in steelersfan and way2goal, the Capitals have the deepest and best-rounded squad in the Eastern conference.
TEAM RATINGS:
Offense: 4. Ransom is an extraordinary talent up front who can excel as a defensive forward or light it up as a playmaker, and with the dynamic offense of Fluri, Kozmo may have found his Ovechkin and Backstrom. Or Kuznetsov. Maybe Extendo is Kuzy.
Defense: 4. Rankin was touted as one of the best defenders heading into this draft, and with three very talented support defenders in Mollz, Steeler, and Way2Goal balance this team out nicely on the back end.
Goaltending: 5. Last season’s Vezina winner and a goalie that brought the Penguins to the Stanley Cup Finals in season 27. Need we say more?
WESTERN CONFERENCE
EDMONTON OILERS
GM: Vandoos.
Starting lineup:
LW: u12bme.
C: Servnspike (miss you :’( )
RW: LeCupidon.
LD: Beaster.
RD: Sportsgeek.
G: Vandoos.
Vandoos has built a solid team, but will they amount to anything?We say this every season about the Edmonton Oilers, but now that the remnants of the French Connection are cleared, Cupidon has two solid forwards in Jason and Serv to play with, while their defensive pairing of Beaster and Sportsgeek will play well together in front of Vandoos. Backup forwards in Cam, Nutty, and Pooky while Bubba and ElRookie support the back end make for a deep Edmonton squad.
TEAM RATINGS:
Offense: 4. Cupidon is easily one of the best players in the league, and with Jason moving from LD to LW with Serv between them, Edmonton finally has a bonafide top line that reminds me of that Pasta-Bergeron-Rat line in Boston.
Defense: 3. Beaster is a great defender, and while Sportsgeek is good too, Bubba’s lack of experience will either cost this defense or force Jason to move back to LD and take away from that dangerous top line.
Goaltending: 3. Vandoos says he is better this year, but the reputation that he and ElRookie have in net is not a shining one. They’ll be relying on the defense a lot this season, otherwise it may not be pretty.
LOS ANGELES KINGS
GM: PistolPete.
LW: Pete.
C: Hypey.
RW: Sudzy.
LD: CapCan (like Kapkan from Siege except less explosive (sorry))
RD: NowYoDead.
G: Chad the Bitch.
This team genuinely scares me. Pete and Chad went to get some sun in LA and brought some dangerous forwards with them. They have the best top line in the league in Sudzy, Hypey, and Pete playing in front of arguably the best goalie in the league even though he’s a toxic fuck. The issue here may be defense as CapCan and Dead are decent defenders but lack depth at the position. Still, with offense and goaltending like that, they will have very few issues.
TEAM RATINGS:
Offense: 5. Dude, come on. Sudzy, Hypey, and Petey? Unreal. That’s a terrifying line. Dumais and Tedd are no slouches as backup forwards, so LA can feel confident with whoever they put out there.
Defense: 3. The crack in the armour of this team. CapCan and Dead will be this team’s top defensive pairing, but they aren’t that cornerstone defender that most teams need. KC and Fully loaded, their backup defenders, won’t be either.
Goaltending: 5. I despise Chad more than anybody in this league. He’s a great big pain in the ass. He is one of the best goalies I have ever played with and is worth every penny of his large salary.
NASHVILLE PREDATORS
GM: Peacekeeper.
LW: Oriole.
C: Serg.
RW: Yesse (animal).
LD: Kaxoman.
RD: UltimateGamer.
G: Peacekeeper.
Peacekeeper returns as a GM and got stuck with a team that had the privilege of drafting late in every round. The Predators picked up some good players, with a top line of Oriole, Serg and Yesse being supported on D by Kaxo and UltimateGamer. Peace drafter a decent top line to play in front of him, while housing some good backup options in Francey, Bundy, Shaggy, hockeygirl, and ShawnSauve. Nashville has a decent squad, but might find themselves at the bottom of the West.
TEAM RATINGS:
Offense: 3. The Predators have a core of gritty, forechecking forwards with a couple finishers in Yesse and Shaggy. However, they lack the overall offensive prowess that other teams possess.
Defense: 4. Kaxoman and Gamer form a solid defensive pairing, while Shawnsauve and Bundy have also played D in the past. Every season, a team becomes the “utility team”. This is it.
Goaltending: 3. Peacekeeper’s limited availability will require lots of other players to step up and hold down the pipes. Francey looks to be playing net this season, but time will tell if he is as good as he says he is (he says he’s elite. Cool)
VANCOUVER CANUCKS
GM: Triix.
Starting lineup:
LW: Fishhure
C: Triix.
RW: Bstieboy (I’m telling y’all, it’s sabotage!)
LD: Redconcept.
RD: At-ezz.
G: Five-star.
Triix had a bit of a tumultuous season, going from first overall pick to frequently traded throughout the season. To avoid all that BS, he took over as the GM of the Vancouver Canucks and has assembled a solid team. He anchors an immensely talented top line with Fishhure and Bstie, while playing in front of a tight back end (puns?) of redconcept, at_ezz, and fivestar. Shepard and Bruins are good pickups to support their defensive and goaltending efforts, while Ruggle and Wukie will make for good backup forwards.
TEAM RATINGS:
Offense: 4. It would have been a 5 if Fishhure had better availability. All three of their starters are scoring machines and putting them together will result in the Canucks running away with a lot of games this season.
Defense: 4. At_Ezz is a solid RD and Shep has proven himself as a solid defender, but the big question will be how well RedConcept plays out of net. His play at LD could make or break this team.
Goaltending: 4. Fivestar backstopped the Leafs to the finals a few seasons ago, but had a rough season last season. He’ll be looking to return to form this season and with help from Bruins, backstop the Canucks on a deep playoff run.
VEGAS GOLDEN KNIGHTS
GM: Sliyum.
Staring lineup:
LW: Neeposh_Patrick (PLANET PATRICK).
C: Defenestrate.
RW: FrankPompei.
LD: JamieBenn.
RD: Sedinpower (National Hockey League).
G: Sliyum.
A lot of people’s early picks to win the Stanley Cup, the Vegas Golden Knights returned to their first cup final after dismantling the Colorado Dynasty, but fell short to the Devils. This season, they snagged one of the best players in SP history in Sedinpower, and built a team around him that includes Sliyum’s buddy Jamiebenn, FrankPompei, a talented playmaking C in Defenestrate, and Sedin’s old buddy Patrick. With Hossa, Benner, and Bosanceros as backup forwards and Ush as a backup defender, the Knights have a good shot at making the Finals again.
Offense: 4. Defenestrate is one of the most underrated players in this league, and will light it up on a line with Patrick, Pompei, or whoever they put with him. Benner as a backup forward is a huge steal for this team as well.
Defense: 5. Sedin has won the Norris trophy for two seasons in a row, while Jamie and Ush have established themselves as utility players who are best suited as defenders, giving this team the best defense in the west.
Goaltending: 4. Sliyum is a former Hart winner who nearly backstopped a team to a cup this past season. If he plays more, and Bigwalks holds his own as a backup goaltender, he may capture the cup for the first time in 5 seasons.
WINNIPEG JETS
GM: Reaper.
Starting lineup:
LW: Reaper.
C: Hyper.
RW: Kidmoney.
LD: Eggman.
RD: Plastic_World.
G: Dophares.
After losing in the first round to the Avs last season, Winnipeg has found themselves some new weapons to play with. Reaper and Kid form an electric top line with the returning Hyper, while former Colorado GM Eggman and Plastic hold down the fort in front of Doug to form a solid top line. With backup defenders in RoyalKC, Deadant, and HrdWrk, while ArmyBoy handles backup G duties, the Jets have a very deep squad that has the potential to make a deep playoff run.
TEAM RATINGS:
Offense: 4. Reap and Kid are an institution in Winnipeg, and have been trying to find the right forward to play with for a few seasons. Hyper should fill that role jusssst fine and their line will put a lot of pucks in the back of the net.
Defense: 4. Eggman has won many championships at defense, but will he be successful with new defensive partner Plastic? Having Royal and HrdWrk as a backup pairing isn’t too bad either.
Goaltending: 3. Doug is decent but in his chances to prove himself as a starter, he hasn’t had the greatest success. ArmyBoy’s limited experience at D has been poor up to now, so here’s to hoping it won’t translate to G.
RANKINGS
EASTERN CONFERENCE:
Tampa Bay Lightning.
Washington Capitals.
Toronto Maple Leafs.
New Jersey Devils.
New York Rangers.
Pittsburgh Penguins.
WESTERN CONFERENCE
Los Angeles Kings.
Vegas Golden Knights.
Vancouver Canucks.
Winnipeg Jets.
Edmonton Oilers.
Nashville Predators.
Some folks will be upset with their rankings, that’s for sure. They’ll either think they’re too high and be “Oh I’m trash :(“ even though they have a career 3.0 PPG, some will think they’re ranked too low but don’t realize that they aren’t the backbone of the entire team, and some people will be content and won’t bitch about a thing and the world will suddenly combust. Watch it happen. Tell people you love them while you got the chance.
One thing is certain: There is a great field of talent assembled into 12 solid teams with varying strategies. Offensive powerhouses, defensive juggernauts, teams built from the net out, and more. There are a couple of teams that stand out amongst the rest, but anything can happen in the SPNHL and this season should be a perfect example of the chaos and unpredictability that comes with the league.
Tune in this Saturday (or sometime this weekend) to SPNHL: Off the Ice as Kozmo, Pliskin, Reap and I recap the events of this week, talk shit about our own and other teams, and completely ignore the topic as we catch the late game on Hockey Night in Canada (maybe that’ll be just me). You can catch us at twitch.tv/thespnhl_media, so subscribe if you haven’t already!
Good luck to everybody this week, and we’ll see you on the ice!
DD.

SPNHL season 32 draft goes live at 8 PM est.
Check out the live draft board and follow along
Live Draft board  https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/16aQEmErKBWam2pnjgY2CWDj22tMuvGlkxlf3r96kZ44/edit#gid=0
 
Or listen live to our panel of numbskulls as they guide and critique every pick starting around 7:50pm
Live Draft Broadcast  twitch.tv/thespnhl_media
 
or if you want to watch each pick as it unfolds join us on the Forum chat box. (forum account is required)
http://spnhl.canadian-forum.com/
 

SPNHL, Season 31: Stanley CUp Finals Recap + Award Selections
By: Dirty-Dietrich.
My apologies for the late delivery on the article, I was busy discovering life hacks like replacing meatballs in your spaghetti with sausages. Have you tried this? It’s delicious.
Oh my god, I’m a real life version of Todd Chavez from Bojack Horseman. Pray for me.
Let’s get down to business here. After 7 grueling weeks of hockey, only two teams remained: the Vegas Golden Knights and the New Jersey Devils. The Knights emerged as the best team in the west after disposing of the scrappy Underducks in 5 games and (debatably) upsetting the dynasty of the Colorado Avalanche in 6 games, while the Devils almost didn’t make it to the Finals at all. They gave up a 3-1 series lead over Pittsburgh in the first round but won in 7 games, and then knocked out the Tampa Bay Lightning in 5 games to get a chance to compete for the Stanley Cup.
It was a battle of potent offenses as the Knights top line of Stoner, NJ, and Prodigy faced off against the dynamic duo of Grammyhands and Rich2K8. The defensive core of GodsPlan, Cuban, and Uber opposed the Devils’ defenders of Shirk, CeeG, and Royal. We were also witness to a goalie battle as a former Hart Memorial winner in Sliyum stood across the rink from a pair of former Conn Smythe winners in Rancher and Ciulla. I could talk about the talent on these teams all day (a few hours max TBH), but let’s take a look at how the series went down.
Stanley Cup Finals: Vegas Golden Knights vs. New Jersey Devils.
Game 1: Knights win 2-1.
The first game of the series was a matter of the two teams feeling eachother out defensively, so a lot of this game was contested at centre-ice. However, fresh off defeating the reigning champions, Vegas took a 1-0 lead to start the series.
Game 2: Devils win 3-1.
Another hard fought defensive game, the Devils had a good start to a game that served as a must win for them. They needed to stop the momentum of the Knights, and they (temporarily) did so with a big 3-1 win in game.
Game 3: Knights win 6-0.
This one was rough. They let me play LW for a game and I had no fucking clue what I was doing. The Knights shut down the Devils in game 3 and exploded offensively, culminating in a dominating performance in what many thought was a pivotal game 3.
Game 4: Devils win 4-2.
Like I said, people thought it was pivotal. After the Knights had taken a 2-1 lead in the series, the Devils bounced back from the loss with a four goal performance and set the offensive pace for the rest of the series. The defensive stalemate was over, and the offensive battle had begun.
Game 5: Devils win 4-3.
In a chaotic game 5, it was back and forth for three periods. The Knights had a 3-2 lead going into the final minute of the game, but a big move by Rich resulted in the tying goal and a great pass by Grammy lead to the game winning goal in the dying seconds of regulation.
Game 6: Devils win 4-3.
Akin to last game, there was a bit of a kerfuffle in the third period. As the Devils held a 3-1 lead entering the third period, they nearly suffered a catastrophic collapse after the Knights tied it at 3 and took it to overtime. However, a pass interception from Grammy and another exceptional pass to Rich resulted in a 4-3 overtime victory and the Devils being crowned the Stanley Cup champions of Season 31 of the SPNHL.
SPNHL Season 31 Stanley Cup Champions: New Jersey Devils.
After a very well-played series, all the credit in the world is due for the Vegas Golden Knights. Their offense was superb, their defense was stagnant, and their goaltending was exceptional. A group of great guys with a championship pedigree gave the Devils an incredibly tough challenge, but unfortunately a few bad breaks and some poor puck luck resulted in a losing effort for a masterly Vegas squad.
I also wanted to say congratulations to the New Jersey Devils, and want to share a story from the beginning of the season. Grammy sent me a message before the draft, saying “It’s cup or bust this szn for me”. It took some time for me to figure out the best strategy at the draft and our best line throughout the season. At some points in this season, we thought we were gonna fall apart. However, Grammy, Rich, Serv, Canuckz, Shirk, Royal, CeeG, Ciulla, and Rancher all played exceptional when it counted and came together as a team come playoffs. I am exceptionally proud of everybody and am very grateful for the effort you put in and dedication to the team.
Alright! Let’s move on to the Awards! This last season sparked some interesting debates for awards, and it resulted in the emergence of an awards committee! Sedinpower, Shaynestaa, Sliyumshady, Ciulla, and I spent weeks debating who should win these awards and we’re sure our selections will spark some conversation and backlash.
Good. Fuckem. Here are the winners!
(all awards not listed here were statistically determined at the end of the regular season)
Hart Memorial: Snipeshotty (Anaheim Ducks).
Runner-up: Go-Marc.
Snipeshotty backstopped the aptly named Underducks into the playoffs, and was responsible for the majority of their regular season success. Playing in 40 games, he only won 22 of his starts but had an insane statline. He saved 84.75% of the astounding 754 shots against him, 100 more than the next goaltender in line while also recording 3 shutouts. Go-Marc had a stellar season, scoring 57 goals and notching 58 assists in 37 games played and lead the Avalanche to the President’s Trophy for the second season in a row. In the end, Snipeshooty’s value to his team was immeasurable and resulted in his winning of the Hart Memorial trophy.
Conn Smythe: Rich2K8.
Runner-up: Grammyhands.
Grammy was going to win this trophy after being so close to winning the Calder and Hart trophies in past seasons, until games 5 and 6 of the Finals. Rich came alive and put up back to back hat-trick performances (one at D and one at RW) to secure the victory for the New Jersey Devils. With the highest point-per-game total in the playoffs and a dominant performance in the Finals, Rich2K8 secured the Conn Smythe award for playoff MVP.
Frank J. Selke: Bstieboydp.
Runner-up: Yesse__.
After a strong performance for Colorado in season 30, Bstie found his way to the Pittsburgh Penguins where he was a dominant force as a defensive forward. In 33 games, he scored 40 goals to go along with an astounding 146 hits, 89 takeaways, and a 53.84 success rate on faceoffs as he spearheading a strong Penguins forecheck. Yesse had a great season across the state in Philly, scoring 39 goals to match his 40 assists, while delivering 44 hits, 66 takeaways, and winning 56.64% of faceoffs. The race was extremely close for this award, but Bstie squeaked out the win for the award for best defensive forward.
Bill Masterton: PEACEKEEPER500.
Runner-up: NONE. THE VOTE WAS UNANIMOUS. GET FUCKED.
As Toronto redrafted a team that went to the Stanley Cup Finals last season, a new face on the Leafs was former Philly GM Peacekeeper. Old friends turned to bitter enemies as the Leafs fell apart halfway through the season and with Jayscott being all but absent, Peacekeeper took charge and iced a team every night. He could have easily asked for a trade or ignored his responsibility, but he chose otherwise and showed qualities of perseverance, sportsmanship, and dedication to the SPNHL.
Lady Byng: Iam_mrbean.
Runner-up: aE_MuSe.
In what has recently been called the “TrueLegend” award, we have a new winner of the Lady Byng award for the first time in 7 seasons! Bean bursted into the league with a strong season and had a hand in helping the Underducks make the playoffs. He finished 10th in scoring (lead all rookies) with 38 goals and 42 assists in 33 games, while amassing a minimal 6 penalty minutes. Muse had a great season in Philly with 27 goals and 31 assists in 30 games while keeping his PIMs to 8, but Bean’s discipline and high standard of play scored him the Lady Byng.
Norris Memorial: Sedinpower.
Runner-up: Gods3_3Plan1.
Now, before any controversy is made about the award, Sedin did not vote for himself. The rest of us, however, did. Sedin established himself as the best defender in the SPNHL for the second season in a row after another President’s Trophy campaign where he amassed 30 points in 25 games, while remaining +31 with 102 hits and only 12 pims. GodsPlan scored 31 points in 27 games and was +13 with 39 hits and 20 pims. GodsPlan emerged as an elite defender, and even Execution had another great season, but Sedin once again established the standard for all-around ability at the position.
Vezina Trophy: Snipeshotty.
Runner-up: chadkillz134.
We’ve already talked about the stellar season Snipeshotty had that lead him to win the Hart Memorial, so let’s talk about how Chad the Chode’s stats stack up and nearly won him the Vezina trophy. Chad won 28 of his 44 starts, saved 84.40% of the 654 shots he faced, while retaining a 2.32 GAA and recording 1 shutout. Chad had very impressive numbers and proved himself as a consistently elite goalkeeper, but Snipeshotty was the top goaltender in the SPNHL this season.
Calder Trophy: Snipeshotty.
Runner-up: Iam_mrbean.
It’s a hat trick for Snipeshotty! Winning the Vezina trophy and the Hart Memorial is impressive, but doing it in your first season in the league? That’s practically unheard of. The Underducks drafted a collection of very talented rookies, as their rookie netminder took home 3 awards and their rookie left wing lead all rookies in scoring and scored the Lady Byng trophy for his efforts. You gotta give credit to Koz and Shadow for discovering and developing talent.
And that’s a wrap on season 31! It’s been a long road to get to this point, and I wanted to thank everybody who came along for the ride! Thank you for playing in this league, thank you for reading the articles, thank you for your presence in this community. However, there ain’t no rest for the wicked (until we close our eyes for good) (I’ve been playing a lot of Borderlands recently).
The Draft for Season 32 of the SPNHL is on Tuesday, March 19th and the regular season will be just around the corner, getting underway on March 25th! Also, now that I know how to use this OBS shit, expect regular episodes of SPNHL: Off the Ice! Plisk, myself, and an assortment of guests will be joining us throughout the draft (which we will broadcast live) and for episodes of Off the Ice throughout Season 32, so stay tuned to twitch.tv/thespnhl_media!
Thank you for another great season, let’s look forward to another one!
-DD.

Rookie Showcase 1 March 8-10th.
Rookie Showcase 2 (if needed) March 14-16th
GM selections March 14-15
Reg Closure March 15th
Player Re-Sign Due March 17th
Draft March 19th.
Season opens on March 25th.

SPNHL Season 31: Conference Finals Review / Stanley Cup Finals Preview
By: Dirty-Dietrich & Cuban1616.
Well this is a very special article, in more than one, maybe even two ways. We’ll start with the obvious one: it’s the finals of the thirty first season of the SPNHL. It’s been a grueling two months, and only two teams remain in the pursuit of championship glory. Secondly, it’s the first time in four seasons that the finals don’t feature the Colorado Avalanche, which I applaud Eggman and Sedin for and want to say thank you for setting such a high standard for teams in this league (and to Pliskin for finally introducing the rule that destroyed the dynasty). Thirdly, we have the legendary Cuban, a member of the Western Conference champion Vegas Golden Knights and my very first GM in SP (S26 NJD STAND UP) sharing his expertise. And lastly, it’s my first visit to the finals as a GM and I’m fucking terrified.
This isn’t about us, though. This is about two phenomenal teams who served as underdogs in these playoffs battling through two rounds against tough opponents and colliding in the Cup Finals. We’ve seen dynamic offense and steadfast defense from both teams while playing in front of excellent goaltenders, but it all comes down to these next 4-7 games. I highly doubt this series will be a sweep, as I expect it to be incredibly competitive. Or, I could be wrong and one team gets absolutely dominated by the other. I hope it isn’t that.
Anyways, let’s see how the Conference Finals dictated the Cup Finals matchup. I could talk about how that series turned out, but let’s get some insight from the man who played through it. Take it away, Cubano!
WESTERN CONFERENCE
by: Cuban.
WESTERN CONFERENCE FINALS
Colorado Avalanche (1st) vs. Vegas Golden Knights (3rd)
Result: Knights win in 6 games.
As stated in Dietrich’s last article this would be the most anticipated matchup and it completely lived up to the hype.
Colorado and Vegas played 6 hard fought games with Vegas walking away the winning the series 4 – 2
The series could have gone either way with 5 out of the 6 games decided by 1 goal and 4 of the 6 games had a score of 2-1, while 3 of the games went into overtime.
This was a complete defensive matchup on both sides, with the forwards on both teams struggling to find ways to generate any type of offense.
Colorado, who many declared the team to beat after dismantling Winnipeg last series, found themselves in unfamiliar territory being down in a series and not able to really establish themselves as they did in the last series.
Vegas who were chalked up as the next victims after having finishing off Anaheim in their first series matchup came into the Colorado series with a nothing to lose attitude and it showed on the ice with their style of play.
This was a boxing match as stated by Vegas player NJs_VeryOwn.
Game 1 was a feeling out for both teams as they counter punched each other and tried to see what each team can establish which ended with a Colorado win in OT.
Games 2-6 Vegas seemed to have figured out the style of play they needed to implement and executed it to defeat Colorado and end their amazing season.
Cuban’s Finals Prediction
New Jersey Devils (2nd) vs Vegas Golden Knights (3rd)
New Jersey Devils
Strengths: Their Offence – With forwards Grammy (12GP, 15G, 8A, 23P) Serv (9GP, 5G, 10A, 15P), Rich (6GP, 4G, 9A, 13P) & Dirty (7GP, 5G, 7A, 12P) *DD note, I only play when Rich wants to play poker.* …These guys have been able to put the puck in the net and control the offensive zone all season and now in the playoffs they’ve had continued success and are in the Finals.
Their goalie play is not to be overlooked as Ciulla (7GP, 88.76 SV%, 89 SA, 10 GA) and Rancher (5GP, 86.67 SV%, 60 SA, 8 GA, 1 SO). These 2 guys have faced some extreme pressure and have been able to carry the load for NJ.
Weakness: Mental/Availability – Not to cop out here but after looking over the roster and checking the stats the only thing I feel that NJ is weak at right now is overthinking and schedules. I feel even if Philadelphia would have won its series versus TB that NJ would have beaten them and been in the Finals. So for NJ will they be able to mentally prepare themselves for a Finals in which they aren’t facing Colorado as expected but instead a team in Vegas that defeated Colorado and availability for his top guys. *DD edit, thanks for not talking shit about us.*
Vegas Golden Knights
Strengths: Experience – This team has a group of guys who are no strangers to SP playoff and finals hockey. The group of ACK, NJs, Uber, Prodigy and Cuban have played in and won multiple playoff games and each have played in and won the Finals in their respective careers.
The experience of this group showed in the Colorado series after a game 1 loss Uber sat himself after Vegas won game 2 with the pairing of Gods and Cuban playing better in the series and letting those 2 guys anchor the rest of the series
As for the forwards the composure and communication of ACK (11GP, 10G, 10A, 20P) and Njs (9GP, 7G, 9A, 16P) and Prod (7GP, 4G, 6A, 10P) have kept Vegas mentally ready for every game so far the entire playoffs
While Slim has literally been a wall in net for Vegas (9GP, 86.92 SV%, 107 SA, 14G)
Weakness: Hangover/Availability – After winning such an intense series versus Colorado can Vegas regroup and finish? I know that with the experience on the team it won’t be hard to refocus but how long will it take is the question? Availability goes for Vegas too. 1 or 2 of these main guys aren’t able to play is there depth there to make up for the production?
Finals – Vegas in 6
Not playing the bias card and saying something to stay neutral here.
Statistically both these teams are as even as can be:
NJ – 12GP, 30GF, 18GA
Vegas – 11GP, 28GF, 18GA
So the numbers don’t really tell the story of which team will have the upper hand going into the series.
So I’m going to say this will come down to matchups and the biggest matchup will be the goaltenders and which team will be able to help there goalie out by not giving the puck up and letting the other team capitalize.
Vegas are that team. Overall they have 3 great defenseman who are able to move the puck up the ice and the forwards have been able to come back and play amazing in the defensive end while not compromising their offense on the other end.
NJ has a great set of offensive skilled players and their goalie paring have themselves a few Cup Finals wins to show for it as well but I don’t feel the D pairing of Ceeg and Shirk will be able to handle the Vegas forwards and give the NJ goalies the assistance to keep the puck out of the net.
Good Luck to both teams.
Cuban aka K.O.D. *DD note: does the K.O.D. stand for King of Donair?*
“Is that cologne I smell? What about our “No cologne” agreement?”
EASTERN CONFERENCE
By: DD.
Eastern Conference Finals
New Jersey Devils (2nd) vs. Tampa Bay Lightning (4th)
Result: Devils win in 5 games.
We knew this was gonna be a clash of styles before we even started the series, and the Bolts and the Devils played a very close, hard fought series. After the first round sweep of the first seed Flyers, Tampa Bay were the heavy favourites going into this series due to their strong defensive play and exceptional goaltending. After splitting the first two games (where both teams averaged a goal a game), New Jersey won game 3 with a score of 4-2 and never looked back. They won the next two games by a goal a piece and won a very narrow series. The great goaltending by Rancher and Ciulla (averaging 1.6 GAA per game) combined with a great defensive team effort and an offense that capitalized on opportunities (including Serv COMIN’ ALIVE IN GAME FIVE) was enough to take the 2nd seeded underdogs (??) to the finals.
DD’s Finals Prediction
New Jersey Devils
Strengths: goaltending. Our offense is great, our defense (both blueline and team defense) has greatly improved since the beginning of the season and excelled in the playoffs, but the goaltending combo of Ciulla and Rancher is one of the strongest in recent memory. After having a rough regular season, Rancher stepped it up in the playoffs, winning a crucial game seven against Pittsburgh and shutting out Tampa in the first game of the conference finals, while Ciulla has won five of his seven starts in the playoffs. Their save percentages and goals against average are both in the top five (Ciulla leading playoff goalies in both categories), and they’ll need to keep up their spectacular play if the Devils want to win the Cup.
Weaknesses: experience. The Knights have a team with an extensive championship pedigree in SP, with Stoner, Prodigy, and Cuban all winning championships in the past and NJ and Gods_Plan appearing in their second consecutive Cup Finals. Ciulla and Racher have won Championships and Conn Smythe trophies in the past (Rancher last season, Ciulla in season 27), but the rest of the Devils squad doesn’t have as much championship experience aside from a couple Cup Finals appearances for Grammy and DD. They’ll need to play the best games of their lives on the biggest stage they’ve played on.
Vegas Golden Knights
Strengths: defense. The defensive core that the Knights have is outstanding, not to mention the defensive abilities of their forwards. Having NJ, Prod, and Stonerboy as a top line presents a hard forechecking and defensively conscious entity, and their defenders are no slouches themselves. GodsPlan is a Norris finalist for this season, Uber is an elite defender who has developed plenty of chemistry in front of his friend Sliyum (having trust in your defender is crucial for a goaltender), and Cuban is an all-time SP great and is a stud at defense, appearing in the playoffs after being an anchor for the lowly Columbus over the past two seasons. Having a trio of defenders with this talent is rare, and may be the deciding factor in this championship series.
Weaknesses: man this is tough. I’m gonna so with the same thing Cuban said, fatigue. After an incredibly hard fought series against the Avalanche that nearly went the distance, do the Knights have enough left in the tank to win four more games and secure their first title in four seasons? This is a team with a strong offensive core who has faced a very tough road in these playoffs. These last four wins were some of the most exhausting games that the Knights have played all season, will they be able to it four more times?
Finals – Devils in 7.
I’ll try not to be biased as well, as I believe this is going to be an incredibly challenging series that will go the distance. However, there are some slight advantages that New Jersey holds over Vegas, and these will be key for this upcoming series:
Discipline. The Knights have taken 29 penalties this playoffs, averaging over two penalties per game and more than doubling the total of the Devils (13). Normally this wouldn’t be too much of a problem, but the Devils are capitalizing on 31.6% of their power play opportunities and are known to draw penalties.
Depth. If they follow rules and play all their 10 players, the backup forwards for the Knights are still new to the team and may not mesh well with the other forwards. The Devils have had the same group of forwards since the beginning of the season and are all very familiar with each other, with their top line having chemistry with their backup forwards.
Dynamic offense. Prodigy and Stoner are top-tier forwards, but Grammy and Rich are two of the top wingers in the league. Having won Rocket Richard and Art Ross trophies in the past, these guys are known for their finishing abilities. Grammy has 15 goals in these playoffs and Rich scored more goals than anybody this past season by a large margin. Their finishing ability will give the Devils the advantage.
For the first time in three seasons, we are guaranteed a new Stanley Cup winner. The Knights were the last team who weren’t the Avalanche to win the cup, while the Devils are reaching their first Finals under the DD/Grammy banner. With renewed focuses on defense and team structure, expect this series to be played with a lot of grit. The offense in this series will be hard to come by, but when you see them, there will be flashes of brilliance.
We’re not sure if we’ll be doing a show during the Finals as I’ll be studying for midterms and pulling my hair out over the combination of school and SP. However, we’ll be bringing you the Cup review episode of SPNHL: Off the Ice this Saturday, where we’ll recap the season, announce award winners, and enjoy the bickering between Kozmo, Reap, Pliskin and I. Maybe we’ll even have special guests. Maybe Cuban? Not sure. We’ll find out. Don’t pester me!
Cuban, thank you so much for your addition to the article! I wish you and the Knights the best of luck this week. You guys are an incredibly talented team and after dethroning the Avs, you guys deserve to win the Cup.
We won’t make it easy.
-DD.

SPNHL Season 31: Playoff Round One Review/Round Two Preview
By: Dirty-Dietrich.
Three out of four ain’t bad, unless you were putting money on it. I got none of the game totals right, but we did eliminate four teams and are left with a very competitive final four. We’ve got the last two teams to win the stanley cup, the last two teams to win the President’s Trophy, an assortment of Hart Memorial, Rocket Richard, Art Ross, Lady Byng, Conn Smythe, and other trophies that you could fill the SPNHL Hall of Fame with (Pliskin, let’s get that started. We could build it in the middle of nowhere in Ontario).
Enough of the jokes though, we’re down to four teams: the dynasty known as the Colorado Avalanche, the Eastern powerhouse in the Tampa Bay Lightning, the well-balanced Vegas Golden Knights, and the dynamic offense of the New Jersey Devils. There’s an assortment of seed here, as the Avs were first in the west and are facing the third seeded Knights, while the East’s second seeded Devils are facing the fourth seeded Bolts. We saw some upsets on our way here, so let’s take a look at thow they came to be as we review round one.
WESTERN CONFERENCE
Colorado Avalanche (1st) vs. Winnipeg Jets (4th)
Result: Avalanche win in 4 games.
The Avalanche were unstoppable, as their defense buried the Jets in a short 4 game series. The Avalanche only gave up 3 goals throughout the entire series, while putting up an astonishing 4.5 goals a game. The Jets knew the odds were against them, but a Colorado offense that laid dormant until the later part of the season came alive in the games that matter the most, and quickly eliminated the Winnipeg squad.
Anaheim Ducks (2nd) vs. Vegas Golden Knights (3rd)
Result: Knights win in 5 games.
The Underducks (I can’t believe this stuck) put on a hell of a showing in the regular season, and we had a tied series after the first two games. However, the onslaught of the Knights was too much, as after a pair of one goal games, the Knights averaged 4 goals a game in their last 3 wins to put the Ducks out to pasture. It was a great season and a great story for the Ducks, but Vegas were undeniable on their path to break Colorado’s cup streak.
EASTERN CONFERENCE
Philadephia Flyers (1st) vs. Tampa Bay Lightning (4th)
Result: Lightning win in 4 games.
The Flyers were pegged to be a favourite to go to the cup in the East, as they were dominant in the regular season and secured the top spot in the East. However, the Flyers were suspect to one of the biggest upsets in recent SPNHL history. The Lightning are a solid team who underperformed all season, and stepped it up in the playoffs to keep the Flyers to 5 goals in 4 game compared to their 13. Will the Bolts be able to keep up their defensive dominance?
New Jersey Devils (2nd) vs. Pittsburgh Penguins (3rd)
Result: New Jersey in 7 games.
This series was fucking exhausting. It was up and down from the get-go. Pittsburgh won the first game, then dropped the next three games to Jersey. Facing elimination, the Penguins played a strong defensive game, shutting the Devils out in game 5 and 6 to force a game 7. In a marquee Friday night matchup, the Devils overcame the Penguins with a 3-1 victory. Will the lack of rest benefit or harm the Devils, as they head into a tough defensive matchup against the Bolts?
I want to extend my thanks to the Ducks, the Jets, the Flyers, and the Penguins. All of you guys busted your asses to get into a playoff position and gave everything you had when it came down to it. Obviously you may not have gotten the results that you wanted, but take the loss in stride, look at what you accomplished, and see what you can do next time to avoid to reinvent your exit (sorry, jamming Underoath right now).
Enough about you losers (<3), let’s get to the conference finals.
WESTERN CONFERENCE
Colorado Avalanche (1st) vs. Vegas Golden Knights (3rd)
This one is gonna be the series to watch, as it features the last two teams to win the Stanley Cup in the SPNHL (Vegas in S27, Colorado in S28-S30). There’s an interesting story line here as Sliyum traded the majority of his team halfway through the season, keeping a core of Prodigy, Stoner, and Doug. He acquired two players who played against the Avalanche in the cup finals last season in NJ and GodsPlan, so Vegas will be relying on their familiarity in order to dethrone the champs.
Strengths
Colorado: defense. Colorado lead the league with only 3 goals against in the previous round. Either their defensive system is that strong, or they just control the flow of the puck that much that the opposing team can’t get the puck in their zone. Nonetheless, the best defense is a great offense and when you have Egg and Sedin breaking it out to Go_Marc and Scoop, it’s hard to contend with that.
Vegas: offense. The Knights were second in their conference with 15 goals for and are averaging 3 a game. That number seems a bit average, but with offensive weapons like Prodigy, Stoner, NJ, and Frenchy, it’s only a matter of time until they click and start firing on all cylinders. It might be tough against the reigning champions, but it’s very much possible.
Weaknesses
Colorado: familiarity. The Knights have a group of players who are familiar with the Avs playing style, and if Vegas can retain their composure, they can counter it effectively. Very few teams are as aggressive and overwhelm teams as much as Colorado, so Vegas needs to do their homework and develop a strategy to counteract it. If they can do this, the Avalanche might be in trouble.
Vegas: Defense. Vegas really needs to tighten up in their end of the ice against a very strong Colorado system. They need to be putting pressure on the Avs and fight fire with fire, matching their aggressiveness and cutting off their zone entries. If they don’t do this, it’ll be a walk in the park for Colorado as they march on to their fourth consecutive title in the SPNHL.
Advantage: As challenging of team that Vegas will be to the Avalanche, the series will still go to Colorado. The Colorado system is a dangerous one that nobody has been able to crack the code to yet, and unfortunately for Silyum, this team won’t be the one to. Their team is strong, and they’ll be able to put up a great fight against the dynasty, but expect Colorado to take 4 close wins in a highly competitive series.
Prediction: Colorado in 5.
EASTERN CONFERENCE
New Jersey Devils (2nd) vs. Tampa Bay Lightning (4th)
I’m very excited for this series, as it features two completely different tales from the first round: a team who was able to get it’s work done quickly against a team who went the distance. The regular season series between the two teams was fairly even, and now brings us to what should be an intense playoff series. Will the Bolts finally make it to the Stanley Cup finals, or will the story of “Always a bridesmaid, never a bride” continue for TrueLegend and the Lightning?
Strengths
New Jersey: offense. They did play seven games in the first round, but the Devils are the highest scoring team out of the remaining four. Getting contributions from Rich, Grammy, Serv, and DD (I got a hatty in a game and didn’t do much else), the Devils have four solid forwards who can score when needed. Whether it be a pretty passing play or a garbage goal, the Devils know how to get it done.
Tampa Bay: goaltending. Tampa underperformed offensively all season, but were able to excel due to the performance of a strong goaltending duo in Vince and Back. The two backstoppers kept the offensive powerhouse in Philadelphia to 5 goals in their first round after averaging over 3 goals a game in the regular season. They’ll need to do the same against a dangerous Devils offense if Tampa wants to move within 4 wins of the Stanley Cup.
Weaknesses
New Jersey: consistency. It plagued us again and I’ll keep writing home about it until it changes. After winning 3 games in a row, the Devils were shutout in games 5 and 6 as they went from one win away from advancing to one win away from elimination. If they don’t keep a rhythm against the Tampa Bay Lightning, the Bolts will make short work of the Devils and result in another playoff disappointment for Jersey.
Tampa Bay: offense. The Lightning are usually an offensive juggernaut, but have been uncharacteristically quiet on the offensive front this season, while focusing on a defense-first philosophy. It’s one of the first times we’ve seen TrueLegend not in the scoring race, and with strong forwards like Dominando and Aali around him, it’s very odd to see such a low goal total from him and his team. They’ll have to keep up the momentum from their first round if they want to beat the Devils.
Advantage: Tampa’s regular season wasn’t so impressive, but their performance in the first round was. The Devils had the opposite, where their first round performance was quite underwhelming in comparison to their regular season performance. However, the Devils have a very capable team at all ends of the ice, and one that will be able to outperform a strong Bolts team. I believe in my own team, or I’m biased as fuck. You pick.
Prediction: New Jersey in 6.
I really wish I always had as nice and as productive of an environment to write these articles as I do right now (on a train coming back from Ottawa). However, not everything is as easy as you would like it to be, and this weeke will be no exception for our four remaining teams. All these teams have very potent offenses that are supported by a strong defensive core (except TB, suck it Noto) and have excellent goaltending, so if you can catch a Twitch stream in between getting clamped in LG, you should definitely tune in. There’s no hockey like playoff hockey because playoff hockey is sweaty like a desert marathon.
Eight more wins, clowns. You gotta win eight more games and you get a chance to virtually hoist the SPNHL Stanley Cup. Four of them are gonna come this week as you battle to see who the best team in your conference is. Don’t go for the highlight reel goals or try to cripple somebody with a hit, play an effective team game at both ends of the ice and you’ll find yourself one step close to championship glory.
Sorry for the lack of a show this past Saturday, Kozmo was sick and I was busy breaking my TV after watching that disappointing Leafs performance against the Coyotes. Hopefully we will be able to bring you another episode of SPNHL: Off the Ice as we recap the conference finals and get ready for the Cup finals.
To all the remaining teams, good luck. Let’s leave it all on the ice.
DD.

SPNHL, Season 31: Round One Playoff Preview
By: Dirty-Dietrich
That’s a wrap on the regular season! After a hard fought 5 weeks (unless you’re the Avalanche, who dominated the West for the whole season), the smoke has cleared and we have eight teams left to battle for the Stanley Cup! These next 3 weeks will push everybody to the limit in the pursuit of championship glory, and it will test the relationships that teammates have cultivated over the past month.
I’d like to extend my thanks to the San Jose Sharks, the Columbus Blue Jackets, the Edmonton Oilers, and the Toronto Maple Leafs for playing this season. Amidst certain obstacles, you all busted your assessment and made sure you fought hard every game in the attempt to make the playoffs. Now it’s back to the drawing board, and time to figure out a new strategy for next season.
For now, let’s focus on the remaining 8 teams and how they match up against each other. We’ll evaluate their regular season numbers, determine their strengths and weaknesses, and then make some bold claims on series predictions. Yes, you can hold me to these. I’ve already locked them in on the Discord server. In the words of Joey Diaz, “I’M GIVING YOU FUCKING LOCKS, PEOPLE”.
EASTERN CONFERENCE
Philadelphia Flyers (Seed 1) vs. Tampa Bay Lightning (Seed 4)
Philadelphia was predicted to finish second in the conference, while Tampa was projected to finish 3rd. As we can see, things don’t always play out like we expect them to and we are in for a goaltending battle this series. Chad has been phenomenal in net for the Flyers, while Vince and Back have back-stopped (get it?) the offensively underperforming Bolts to a playoff spot.
Strengths
Philadelphia: goaltending. Chad had an MVP caliber season in net that should put him in talks for the Vezina and Hart trophies. If he keeps it up, the Flyers will be 4 wins closer to the cup.
Tampa Bay: goaltending. With a former Vezina winner in Vince as their starting goalie, and Back as their back-up (another one), the Lightning can have faith in their goalie and play a little riskier.
Weaknesses
Philadelphia: expectations. This is the cop out answer, but a lot of people are expecting Philly to flop. We did it two seasons ago, as you ascend to the top of the conference but fail to advance in the playoffs. Plus, Philly didn’t play so we’ll to end the week, while the Bolts kept their momentum.
Tampa Bay: offense. Aali and TrueLegend are both great forwards, but their lack of production this season is a cause for concern in the playoffs. If their offense can’t get off the ground, then Tampa Bay are done for.
Advantage: overall, I give Philadelphia the advantage. The goaltending is about even, but the offensive and defensive edge go to Philadelphia. They’ve got a very deep team and no matter what five they put in front of Chad, they’ve got a very solid team.
Prediction: Flyers in 6.
New Jersey Devils (Seed 2) vs. Pittsburgh Penguins (Seed 3)
The Devils return to the playoffs, claiming the second seed in the East while the Penguins scored more goals than the Bolts, thus breaking the tie and staking their claim as the third seed. The scrappy style of the Penguins is a huge clash for the calculated, sharp shooting style of the Devils. Theres gonna be a lot of goals in this series, so keep an eye out.
Strengths
New Jersey: offense. When the Devils start scoring, it’s hard to stop them. With former Rocket Richard winners on the wings in Grammy and Rich, along with some strong offensive defenders at the point, the Devils have many offensive weapons.
Pittsburgh: grittiness. The Penguins go after the puck like it was a child stolen out from underneath them (watch National Geographic, kids). Their forecheck is among the best in the league, and their turnover capitalization rate is very high.
Weaknesses
New Jersey: consistency. The Devils opened up last week with 3 losses in a row, but won all 3 on the last game day of the week. This isn’t new for New Jersey, who has been plagued with this problem all season long.
Pittsburgh: depth. Pittsburgh has a decent core of players, but their back-up options aren’t the strongest. Serg has underperformed this season, while Pliskin and Bundy are solid utility players who may not excel at every spot.
Advantage: I may be a bit biased, but I gotta go with Jersey on this one. If the Devils can rediscover their defense-first style and play a little more conservative against the hard forecheck of Pittsburgh, they’ll open up offensive opportunities and capitalize.
Prediction: Devils in 6.
WESTERN CONFERENCE
Colorado Avalanche (Seed 1) vs. Winnipeg Jets (Seed 4)
The race for the final spot in the West was a combative one, but the Jets held off the Oilers and got the chance to challenge Colorado in the first round. This may look like a mismatch on paper (or digital script), but the Jets have beaten Colorado multiple times this season. Can they do it 4 out of 7 times? *Shakes Magic 8 Ball…*
Strengths
Colorado: system. Colorado has employed a defense-first system for 4 seasons, creating opportunities on breakouts and keeping minimal shots and time on attack against. When you have elite forwards like Go_Marc and Scoop getting great breakout passes from Sedin and Egg, it’s ridiculously hard to stop.
Winnipeg: offense. The top line of Reap, Kidmoney, and Triix is an all-time great one in SP. Reap and Kid’s puck movement combined with Triix’s ability to finish can spell doom for any team, and it may be strong enough to break Colorado’s cup streak.
Weaknesses
Colorado: expectations. Another cop out answer, but can you blame me? Colorado continues to build consistently exceptional teams, but how long can they continue to do so? That question has to be on the minds of the Avalanche.
Winnipeg: defense. The Jets have a great starting line, but their defensive depth is questionable. Beaster is a solid defender, while way2goal, Beto one, and NowYoDead are decent defenders. However, they don’t have a top tier blue liner who can pair with Beast to effectively shut down the attack of the Avalanche.
Advantage: the Avalanche are gonna face a tough team in the Jets in the first round. The games played here will be close, but ultimately, the overall skill of Colorado will be too much for the Jets as they progress on their way towards a 4th straight title.
Prediction: Avalanche in 5.
Anaheim Ducks (Seed 2) vs. Vegas Golden Knights (Seed 3)
This is a very interesting matchup, as it features a team projected to miss the playoffs as the higher seed against a team projected to win the conference as the lower seed. The Ducks have scrapped their way into the playoffs, while the Knights have been underachievers. However, we have two strong teams who are in for a very hard fought series.
Strengths
Anaheim: goaltending. Snipeshotty had one of the best rookie seasons in recent memory, carrying the torch and stealing plenty of games for Anaheim. If he keeps up this level of play, he might be able to steal 4 wins this round.
Vegas: depth. With a top line of Prodigy, Stoner, NJ, GodsPlan, Uber, and Sliyum, the Knights are already starting strong. When you have Cuban, Frenchy, and Doug as your backups though? Sheesh. Top to bottom solid team with a good chance of making it out of the first round.
Weaknesses
Anaheim: defense. CaptainCanada is a good defender and Shep is too, but there are not many other natural options at defense. The Ducks will have to play a good team defense in order to compensate for their lack of depth at the position.
Vegas: availability. Maybe they’ll have better availability in the playoffs, but the Knights have been plagued by availability this season. Between Sliyum not being around too much and Prodigy in the same boat, the Knights fell short in a few games that could have used their top guys, and that may be the case in these playoffs.
Advantage: if the Knights can get all their stars on the ice for the majority of this series, they should be able to overpower the Ducks and unfortunately for Snipeshotty, break the Anaheim Wall. This will be entertaining, but ultimately is gonna be won by the Knights in 6.
Prediction: Vegas in 6.
As we prepare for tonight’s festivities, I want to remind teams of this: these are the games that matter. The next potentially 21 games are more important than any other game you played this season. Treat every game like it’s a must-win, cut the fancy shit, and for the love of God, don’t dive (I’m looking at you, Grammy). But remember, you know, no pressure.
I apologize for my absence this past week, but I’m hoping to be present for an episode of SPNHL: Off the Ice this coming Saturday! Join Koz, Reap, Pliskin and I as we talk about how our teams did in round 1 and get our skewed perspectives on how round 2 will play out. In the meantime, best of luck to everybody tonight, tomorrow, and to the poor souls who may have to play on Friday!
-DD.