SPNHL, Season 32: Playoff Preview.
By: Dirty-Dietrich.
 
Man, I need to start another playthrough of Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas. It’s easily got my pick as the greatest game of all time. Now that I’ve got some more free time, maybe I’ll get this going… oh fuck.
 
Playoffs.
 
After five weeks of intensity, dedication, challenges, and perseverance, we’ve narrowed the field of twelve teams down to eight as they vie for a chance to call themselves Stanley Cup Champions. We’ve seen teams like Tampa Bay and Vancouver prioritize offense and emerge as top contenders, and we’ve seen teams like the Kings and the Leafs build a reputation based on strong defensive play and standout goaltending.
 
While those four teams have emerged as the top seeds in each conference, last year’s Stanley Cup finalists are the third seed in their respective conferences. Then we saw battles come down to the final games for the fourth seed in each conference, as the Jets beat the Predators for the final seed in the West while the Penguins outlasted the Capitals to claim the last playoff spot in the Eastern Conference.
 
While we have our eight teams who are competing for the Cup, I’d like to thank all the players on the Capitals, the Predators, the Oilers, and the Rangers. They faced a lot of difficulties this season but they persevered until the end of the season, and are now rewarded with a high pick in the draft next season. This doesn’t guarantee success though, so you’ve gotta use them wisely and develop a solid draft strategy and develop chemistry if you want a chance to succeed in the league.
 
So, let’s focus on our first round matchups. We’ll look at the starting lineups and see each team’s strengths and weaknesses.
 
EASTERN CONFERENCE
 
Tampa Bay Lightning (1) vs. Pittsburgh Penguins (4).
 
The Lightning have been a force to be reckoned with all season, with their top line of Stoner, Stamkos, and either Full Melt or Legendary putting up exceptional numbers resulting in a potent offense and this season’s President’s Trophy. Uber and Ajax have paired nicely at D in front of a solid goaltending duo in Dafoumanchew and Rancher, but Ajax’s availability may be an issue that could cost Tampa this series.
 
Conversely, Pittsburgh’s gritty work ethic has been their staple for their tenure under Turdburgler and Pliskin, relying on hard forechecking and physicality to win games. Freeze and TragicMagic play the big bodies well, while Arrowhunter and JMM have been able to handle scoring duties. Pliskin’s pairing with either Monokuuu or Baseballmike has resulted in a lot of penalty minutes and a string of decent performances in net from Turd has lead them into the playoffs.
Tampa has the advantage in offense for sure, but the lack of Ajax may give the defensive advantage to the Penguins. Turd is a solid playoff goaltender, but Dafoumanchew’s comeback season has put him in a good position entering the playoffs. This series will be a battle of talent against tenacity, and no matter how much skill the Lightning have, I feel the Penguins are a different animal come playoffs and will get the victory in a hard-fought seven-game series.
 
Prediction: Pittsburgh in 7.
 
Toronto Maple Leafs (2) vs. New Jersey Devils (3).
 
In his rookie season as a GM, Shadow has built a very respectable team that amassed a great goal differential. This illustrated their solid back-end of Noto and Norris finalist GodsPlan playing in front of Shadow. This complemented their very dangerous top line of NJ, Serv, and Lady Byng finalist MrBean. The Leafs look primed to may it back to the Cup Finals if they can get past the defending champs.
 
The Devils were an offensive force last season and shifted their focus to defense this season, with a core of defensive forwards including your’s truly, SmokeShowJoe, and Saunter to support the dynamic offense of Oriole and Sleepeh. Rich had a less explosive regular season, but emerged as a solid defensive option along with Bergy and NowYoDead in New Jersey. With Turtle holding down the pipes and Saunter capable as well, the Devils have a chance to go back to back.
 
The battle of the past two Prince of Wales champions will be one of two perspectives: offense versus defense. The offense-first focus of the Leafs with a breakout quarterbacked by a Norris candidate will be met head-on with a defense first focus of the Devils spearheaded by a line of goons (and a Selke candidate). The old saying is that offense wins games and defense wins championships, and I might be a bit biased, but I hope it rings true this series.
 
Prediction: New Jersey in 6.
 
WESTERN CONFERENCE
 
Los Angeles Kings (1) vs. Winnipeg Jets (4).
 
I’ll be honest, I might be a bit biased here because a lot of my closest friends play for the Kings, but my archenemy does too. Los Angeles has a dangerous top line of Fluri, Yesse, and PistolPete (BRO), while playing in front of a championship caliber defensive pairing of DBS and Jamiebenn. And then there’s Chad the Bitch. A perennial Vezina and Hart candidate, he’s the backbone of a stupidly good Los Angeles squad.
 
After a special Sunday night game against Nashville, the Jets found their spot in the playoffs. Reap and Kid faced a tumultuous season but made a bunch of great moves that resulted in them building a solid team around them. They found chemistry with Cupidon on their top line and a fortified blue line with Shayne and Beaster, Their goaltending duties are handled by Steeler, who Reap has said “lives on the edge”.
 
Off the bat, the advantage in goaltending is clear to see, as Chad is a worldly goaltender while Steeler is a defender. Defense might go to the Kings as well, with a Norris winner on their blueline. The offense is hard to place, but Cupidon is a top five player in this league (as evidenced by his past two seasons) and may be the x-factor in this series. However, I said I might be biased, and I believe that defense wins championships, so I’m giving the advantage to Los Angeles in this series.
 
Prediction: Los Angeles in 5.
 
Vancouver Canucks (2) vs. Vegas Golden Knights (3).
 
Triix’s return to GM has been quite fruitful, as he has recaptured some of the magic from Philadelphia two seasons ago and found another dynamic top line with Fishhure and the Hart favourite in Bstieboy. They’ve emerged as one of the most dynamic lines in the league in front of a defensive core that includes At-Ezz, Redconcept, and Shepard. With Fivestar handling goaltending duties with POOPY BRUINS as his backup, the Canucks have built a deep, talented squad with championship potential.
 
The Knights were predicted by many to win the Stanley Cup after Sliyum traded for the first overall pick and used it to pick Sedinpower. They didn’t have the strongest draft, with Defenestrate being one of the few remaining Knights from the beginning of the season. However, they traded for some pieces to form one of the best top 6’s in the league including Francey, U12bme/Jason, and the offensive game-changer in Sudzy. Their top 6 is one of the strongest in the league, and may prove to be prophetic of the predictions prior to the season.
 
This battle of the West Coast will be highly offensive, and it’s gonna come down to which team has more weapons. The top line of Triix, Bstie, and Fish is one that is hard to stop, but the offensive prowess possessed by Sudzy and Defenestrate backed up by the offensive defenders in Sedin and Jason will prove too much for the Canucks to handle, especially when the Knights have the advantage in goaltending. This shootout is gonna be a lengthy one, but Vegas will succeed in the end.
Prediction: Knights in 6.
 
Well, this was a lengthy one but it was worth it. Sorry for missing the article last week, I studied my ass off but I got a 78 on the exam so it was all worth it.
 
Now, we’re in the thick of it. Three weeks of busting your ass with the hopes of becoming the SPNHL champions. This is where all the chemistry that has been developed, all the moves that have been made, all of it comes down to this. These series will remove the pretenders from the contenders, and may even provide us with some memorable upsets. You never know when it comes to the SPNHL.
 
Nonetheless, we’ll be recapping all the action from the first round of the SPNHL playoffs this weekend on SPNHL: Off the Ice! Join, Koz, Plisk, Reap, an assortment of guests and I as we talk about our playoff highs and lows, talk shit about each other, and discuss the second round matchups. Either that, or we’ll just rant consecutively for an hour. That’s usually how it works.
 
Regardless, good luck to everybody this week, and we’ll see you on the ice!
-DD.

SPNHL, Season 32: Week Three Review
TIGER IS FUCKING BACK.
That’s your pre-article anecdote.
We’re past the halfway point in the thirty second season of the SPNHL, and the playoff picture is still wide open. We’ve got teams such as Tampa Bay, Los Angeles, and Vancouver who are basically guaranteed playoff spots, but teams are still competing and making moves to secure their spots and their chances to compete for the Stanley Cup. The race in the East is extremely tight, with four teams (behind Tampa) sitting at 30 and 31 points.
We’ve seen many teams put their focus on offense and excel due to it, with the top two teams averaging over 4 goals a game. Defense and goaltending hasn’t necessarily taken a backseat either, with teams keeping their goal allowances under 3 a game. Some teams are struggling to meet these league standards (poor Edmonton, Vandoos I don’t know what to tell ya), but the overall state of the league is the most competitive it has been in numerous seasons.
We’ve focused a lot on the winners and losers per conference over the past two weeks, so let’s take a look at the playoff race now. We can make a safe assumption the Tampa has an Eastern conference spot locked down while the Canucks and Kings will be punching their tickets to the postseason, so let’s look at the teams battling for the three remaining spots in the east and the final two spots in the West.
EASTERN CONFERENCE
Team: Toronto Maple Leafs.
Record: 14-10-3.
Last 10 Games: 5-5-0.
Current Position: Second seed.
MVP: GodsPlan.
Toronto is trying to recapture the glory of season 30 whilst mixing it with the UnderDucks’ success of season 31. They’re doing well, scoring the third most goals in the league (93) while giving up the second least goals in the league (70). Their strong offensive core of NJ, Bean, and Serv have played very well, while GM Shadow has had a great season in his return to the net. However, GodsPlan is having a Norris caliber season thus far with 13 goals and 20 assists and has emerged as the MVP of a likely playoff-bound team.
Team: Washington Capitals.
Record: 14-10-3.
Last 10 Games: 5-4-1.
Current Position: Third seed.
MVP: Ransom.
Washington was projected as one of the favourites in the Eastern conference, but has been a middle-of-the-pack team all season. Moving Fluri for Hypey may be the move to spark their offense, as they sit in the middle of the league with 75 goals for. Goaltending in Washington has been a revolving door, with even Kozmo putting the pads back on for a few games. Ransom’s return to the league has shown his versatility, with good performances in net (79.66% of shots saved) 2 points per game at D, and 1.8 points per game at forward. Will Washington maintain their position?
Team: New Jersey Devils.
Record: 14-11-2.
Last 10 Games: 4-5-1.
Current Position: Fourth seed.
MVP: Rich2K8.
The Devils made a big splash this week, moving DBS and IMC for NYD and CC (NowYoDead and CaptainCanada) to further bolster their defensive core. They still didn’t address the offensive need, as they have scored a lowly 71 goals, third last in the league. Their core of defensive forwards in Joe, Saunter, and DD serves as support to Rich, who has scored 27 goals (6th in the league), just under 40% of New Jersey’s goals. The rest of the Devils need to step it up to maintain their playoff spot.
Team: Pittsburgh Penguins.
Record: 13-10-4.
Last 10 Games: 2-6-2.
Current Position: Not in playoffs.
MVP: Arrowhunter.
Pittsburgh is struggling right now, as they have only amassed 6 points in their past 10 games. Moving Jeff was a very interesting move by Turdburgler, but the pieces they acquired have not paid dividends for the Penguins. Their scrappy style of play perpetuated by Tragic, Freeze, and Duckweed has had questionable results, but Arrowhunter has been stellar offensively and defensively. He’s averaging a goal and an assist per game, with 44 takeaways and being +9. He’ll need the rest of the team to play like him if they want a shot to make it into the playoffs.
WESTERN CONFERENCE
Team: Vegas Golden Knights.
Record: 14-11-1.
Last 10 Games: 6-3-1.
Current Position: Third seed.
MVP: Sudzy.
A lot of people predicted the Knights to be cup champions this season, but they struggled to find their footing for the first half of the season. Now, the team has generated momentum after trading for and building a very strong starting six with Francey, Defenestrate, Sedin, U12Bme, Sliyum (starting goalie, key to the team giving up only 70 goals this season), and their MVP Sudzy. The controversial star has scored 37 points (20 goals, 17 assists) in 10 games this season, and if he shows up more, Vegas will keep rolling towards a cup.
Team: Nashville Predators.
Record: 12-12-3.
Last 10 Games: 5-5-0.
Current Position: Fourth seed.
MVP: Shaggy.
Peacekeeper’s Predators have had a roller coaster of a season, but have made the moves necessary to make sure they are in a playoff spot. They play a lot like the Penguins, another P team: they focus on a good defensive structure and a hard forecheck. Ultimate, Oriole, and a cast of other utility players have done well for Nashville, while Shaggy’s 7 goals and 15 assists have paced the offense for the Predators. Will GermanGretzky’s arrival in Nashville help them hold onto that last playoff spot?
Team: Winnipeg Jets.
Record: 10-16-1.
Last 10 Games: 5-5-0 (4 game winning streak).
Current Position: Not in playoffs.
MVP: LeCupidon.
The Jets are currently flying high on a four game winning streak as they are looking to break into the playoffs. They sit 6 points back of the Predators for fourth seed in the West but if they continue their win streak, we should see that difference vanish rapidly. Moves for new defenders in Steelers and Shayne should support Winnipeg;s top line of Reap, Kid, and their MVP LeCupidon, who leads the team in both goals and assists with 24 and 32 respectively. He’ll need the test of the Jets to get off the ground for a hard playoff push.
Week four is among us, and the seven teams profiled in this article are going to be finalizing their rosters ahead of the trade deadline and pulling out all the stops needed in order to make it to the postseason. Will the bottom teams in New York and Edmonton be able to write their own Cinderella story and fight their way into the playoffs? With two weeks and eighteen games to go, anything is possible. It’s all about how bad you want it.
Sorry for the lack of a show this weekend, playoff hockey took over the lives of Koz, Plisk, Reap and I but we are hoping to return this saturday with a new edition of SPNHL: Off the Ice on www.twitch.tv/thespnhl_media! We’ll be recapping any moves before the trade deadline and talking about our woes in the NHL playoffs (I swear if Kadri gets suspended, I’m gonna lose my shit). Regardless, tune in and make your voices heard in the chat!
Good luck to everybody this week, we’ll see you on the ice!
-DD.

With the recent release of the PSN name change function, some of you will want to make the change right away.  This is perfectly fine provided you follow the following steps.  Failure could cost you the ability to play the remainder of this season.
Take a screenshot of your current PSN profile showing the number of trophies and the number of PSN friends you have.  After the new PSN name is created take a second screenshot with the exact same info as the first screenshot.  Send both screens to SA_Pliskin on PSN or to Pliskin#4011 on discord.
Please remember to do this, i can not stress this enough.  If we can not be certain of the name change, you will not be able to use the new name this season.
 

SPNHL, Season 32: Week Two Review
By: Dirty-Dietrich.
I’m sick and tired of Dusty finishes to the main event of a Pay Per View. Wrestlemania had to end with controversy surrounding a pinfall? For the love of fuc-
Sorry for getting sidetracked. It’s been an exhausting week/weekend. I’m done all my essays now and just have to focus on exams and maybe some SP. Wicked. With that being said, week two of season thirty two is in the books! We saw teams stray further from their composition at the beginning of the season, and saw some squads get overconfident and sliiiide down the rankings. This will happen though, as the more talented teams usually take a week or two to gel and become the dominant forces who win their conference.
There isn’t really a way of telling what the best team structure is this season. The old cliche “defense wins championships” is being disproved as Tampa and Vancouver are scoring their way to the top of the standings. The Penguins are tied for the league lead based on a gritty, workhorse style, and Los Angeles is benefitting from Chad the Bitch having the season of his life. While there are some strong teams, no “Cup Favourite” has emerged from the pack yet.
Every team has their flaws, and with one week left before the trade deadline, teams need to find identify them and make the moves necessary to correct them. Trades and drops/pickups have been in abundance already this season, with some teams building fantastic squads out of next to nothing (why hello, Vegas). Nontheless, let’s take a look at the two winners and two losers per conference from week three, and talk about some changes they need to make.
EASTERN CONFERENCE
Winner: Tampa Bay.
Last 10: 7-3-0.
Important Stats: 75 Goals For (1st in league), 39% Powerplay Conversion (2nd in league).
Trajectory: Upward.
MVP: Legendary
Tampa Bay has remained the offensive powerhouse of the league, averaging 4.16 goals for per game and having an electrifying powerplay, converting on nearly 40% of their chances. Uber’s offense first mentality worked with pieces like, Ajax, Panini Boy (Full Melt), Stamkos, and Stoner all putting up stellar offensive numbers. Legendary has stood out from the rest, sharing the team lead in goals (18) and holding the outright lead in points (33). Will the Lightning be able to maintain their torrid pace?
Winner: Pittsburgh.
Last 10: 6-2-2.
Important Stats: 40% Powerplay Conversion and 86.5% Penalty Kill (both 1st in league).
Trajectory: Upward.
MVP: TragicMagic.
Pittsburgh is playing a very similar style that took them to game 7 against the eventual Stanley Cup Champs from last season, with their league-leading special teams efforts being their bread and butter and demonstrating their hardworking style. Serg, Plisk, and Turd have held their ground at their positions, but the fourth returning Penguin in TragicMagic has emerged as an elite defensive forward with 10 goals, 60 hits, 21 takeaways and a 54% faceoff win rate in 9 games. Will Pittsburgh’s hard work ethic lead them to championship glory?
Loser: New York.
Last 10: 4-4-2.
Important Stats: 82 Goals Against (Last in league), 9 Regulation losses (3rd in league).
Trajectory: Downward.
MVP: Deathclown.
Scalz and his Rangers continue to fall out of the playoff picture in a thriving Eastern conference, but the issue isn’t offense or even defense; goaltending has been the catalyst for the Rangers performance. Former GM Pemm is having a decent season, but PNC is having a dreadful season, and the duo is giving up 4.55 goals per game, more than any other team in the league. DC27 remains an offensive force for the Rangers with 16 goals in 7 games, but they need to get some better goaltending if the Rangers want a shot at the playoffs.
Loser: New Jersey.
Last 10: 5-4-1.
Important Stats: 66.67% Penalty Kill, -7 Goal Differential (both 4th last in league)
Trajectory: Downward.
MVP: Rich.
This isn’t a fun spot to be in. The Devils built a defense-first team, but that has come at the cost of limited offensive production. Turtle has struggled recently, but his lack of goal support has been notable as the Cup champs are averaging 2.7 goals a game, with Rich scoring most of them. Scoring just under half of his team’s goals (23 out of 49), Rich needs some help offensively. Either DD, Smoke, AJ and Saunter need to step it up, or package one or two of them for a stronger forward (trade me pls).
WESTERN CONFERENCE
Winner: Los Angeles.
Last 10: 7-2-1.
Important Stats: +27 Goal Differential, 42 Goals Against (Both 1st in league).
Trajectory: Upward.
MVP: Hypey.
Los Angeles was my pick from the onset of the season to be a cup contender, and their success is not shocking given the talent that they have. Chad is having a season to remember in L.A. (82.20% save percentage, 2.64 GAA) while Yesse, Hypey, and Petey have combined to form one of the most dominant top lines in the league. Hypey has been lights out for the Kings, notching 19 goals and 18 assists in 11 game played. The Kings might be the Kings of the league this season.
Winner: Vancouver.
Last 10: 7-1-2.
Important Stats: 70 Goals For (2nd in League), 54.1% Penalty Kill (Last in league)
Trajectory: Upward.
MVP: Bstie.
The Canucks are similar to Tampa in that they are on offense-first team that struggles defensively. However, they’re an offensive juggernaut that is holding the second seed in the Western Conference on the backs of play from Triix and Bstie, the league leader in goals and points with 32 goals and 18 assists in 14 games. The Canucks should not touch their offense, but goaltending should be something that bounces back as Fivestar starts to play more games.
Loser: Edmonton.
Last 10: 3-5-2.
Trajectory: Downward.
Important Stats: 36 Goals For (Last in league), 15.4% Powerplay Conversion (2nd last in league).
MVP: Beaster.
Once again, Vandoos has decided to trade half the team and keep the Edmonton player carousel spinning around, moving Jason and Shayne for Shawn and Bufford. They needed to make a move for offense, so moving two offensive defenders for a defensive defender and a utility player is questionable. Beaster has played the utility role well for Edmonton, with 8 goals and 8 assists in 9 games at a forward, but the lack of consistency around him has resulted in a miserable plus minus. Trading Cupidon was the beginning of downfall of the team, so they need to get a scorer back. Maybe Shawn will be that scorer…
Loser: Winnipeg.
Last 10: 3-7-0.
Important Stats: 44 Goals For (2nd last in league), 11.6% Powerplay Conversion (last in league).
Trajectory: Downward.
MVP: Cupidon.
The Jets have rebounded from an early setback and have built a strong team from the rubble. The issue is now chemistry, which Winnipeg seems to have a hard time developing. They have great pieces now in acquiring Shayne and Cupidon, but now Reap and Kid have to find that magic with Cupe and Egg has to find rhythm with Shayne. Cupidon has done well in Winnipeg with his new partners, with 15 goals and 18 assists in 16 games. However, the Jets may start scoring more with a more well-rounded lineup now.
These next 9 games will be either team-making or team-breaking. It sucks trading players because you develop a relationship with them on and off the ice, but sometimes it’s completely necessary. You need to make sure you’re getting a good return, otherwise you completely fuck yourself over. I’ve seen both sides of this coin, I’ve flipped teams and either missed the playoffs or won a President’s Trophy. THe buyers and sellers will come out of the woodwork at the deadline, so prove your value to your team if you want to stay. Otherwise, pack your bags kiddo.
Good luck this week, and we’ll see you on the ice!
-DD.

SPNHL, Season 32: Week One Review
By: Dirty-Dietrich.
Alright, let’s see how fast I can fly through this. I spent the past four days writing essays and creating liberal propaganda. Now, I’m making burritos for tomorrow and making spaghetti and sausage for tonight. Skip meatballs, man. It’s a game changer. I’m also watching the Leafs vs. Islanders game and they’re booing the shit outta Tavares again. Avery was right to go off on them. Fuckem. Back to business.
Week one of the thirty-second season of the SPNHL is in the books! In traditional SP fashion, one team has changed over half their roster in a not-so-successful first week. However, there are some bigger storylines than that: one first round pick has already fallen out of the league, a team that started with five straight wins is on a four game losing streak, and many more interesting anecdotes which we will explore.
The first week of the season can be make or break for some teams, and can project the trajectory of their season. With Kozmo and Ransom returning to familiar territory the top of the SPNHL standings, and Vandoos returning to the unfortunately familiar territory of the bottom of the SPNHL standings (and making a series of trades), we begin to see how the next five weeks might go for some teams.
Let’s take a look at the two winners and two losers from week one per conference. We’ll look at their record, their trajectory, and their MVP. It’s a lazy format that I’ve recycled for a season now (maybe we should call this winners and losers?), but it works. Let’s dive in!
EASTERN CONFERENCE
Winner: Washington Capitals.
Record: 7-2-0.
Important Stats: 100% Penalty Kill, 18 Goals Against (1st in the league).
Trajectory: Upward.
MVP: Westside.
Kozmo’s Kapitals (letterplay, let’s go) ascended to the top of the league in the first 9 games, going 7-2-0. As mentioned above they have been a defensive powerhouse, with former Selke winner Ransom and the defensive pairing of Rankin and LeMollz forming a very effective C-D-D combo. Their goaltending has been lights out, with Westside emerging as their MVP with 4 wins in 5 games, saving 88% of shots and possessing a very good 1.4 GAA behind Washington’s stagnant defense.
Winner: Tampa Bay Lightning.
Record: 6-2-1.
Important Stats: 42 Goals For, 36% Powerplay Conversion (both 1st in the league).
Trajectory: Upward.
MVP: Stonerboy.
The Bolts were touted for their offensive prowess prior to the season, and they have not disappointed. Contrary to the Capitals, Uber’s Tampa Bay squad has been offense first, averaging 4.66 goals a game. Ajax is a good puck moving D, and passing to a pair of former first overall picks in Stamkos and their MVP Stoner (putting up 10 goals and 10 assists in 5 games for 4 points a game) make the Lightning incredibly dangerous and a team to watch in the East.
Loser: New York Rangers.
Record: 3-5-1.
Important Stats: 37 Goals Against (2nd last in league).
Trajectory: Upward.
MVP: Deathclown.
The thing about the Rangers is that if they were in the West, they would be in a playoff spot. Scalz is struggling in an ultra competitive Eastern Conference, with his team having good but not great stats across the board with the exception of the goals against category. Canadasbest and Single-G6 have formed a solid top line with Deathclown, as their second overall pick in DC27 paces the Rangers with 10 goals and 6 assists in 5 games, good for a tie for second in the league lead for goals.
Loser: Toronto Maple Leafs.
Record: 4-4-1.
Important Stats: 16.7 Powerplay Conversion (3rd last in the league).
Trajectory: Downward.
MVP: NJsVeryOwn.
Shadow’s Leafs started strong, going 4-2-1 in their first 7 games, but failed to crack the top four in the East after dropping their last two games this week. Once again, they have solid stats across the board, but are competing in a stacked conference. The defensive pairing of GodsPlan and Noto have held their own, while Mr.Bean has played a great support role to NJ, as both are averaging a goal a game with NJ holding the team lead with 9. Maybe the arrival of Serv will help Toronto climb the rankings.
WESTERN CONFERENCE
Winner: Los Angeles Kings.
Record: 6-3-0.
Important Stats: 36 Goals For and 20 Goals Against (2nd in the league for both).
Trajectory: Upward.
MVP: Hypey.
Los Angeles had a rough start to the season, but PistolPete and ChadTheBitch turned things around and finished the week with four wins in a row. The Sudzy trade for Yesse and Benn through the week seemed to help this team and Yesse is filling in nicely on a line with Pete and Hypey, the driving forces behind the offensive powerhouse of the West. The latter has 9 goals and 12 assists in 6 games, while holding the best plus-minus in the league with +15.
Winner: Nashville Predators.
Record: 5-2-2.
Important Stats: 30.4% Powerplay Conversion (2nd in the league), 34 goals for (3rd in the league).
Trajectory: Upward.
MVP: Shaggy.
Well these guys certainly proved me wrong. Peacekeeper and the Predators (more rich alliteration content) disproved my theory of them being a bottom utility team and have risen to second in the west. Averaging just under 4 goals for a game, the Predators have a load of offensive talent including Serg, Oriole, Benner, Freeze, and Shaggy. Shaggy has played phenomenal for Nashville and leading the rookie points race with 19 (4 goals and a league leading 15 assists).
Loser:Edmonton Oilers.
Record: 1-6-2.
Important Stats: 17 Goals For, 38 Goals Against (last in league for both).
Trajectory: Downward.
MVP: Beaster.
Oh boy, here we go again. Vandoos and the Oilers have fallen to the bottom of the league again, succumbing to some poor offensive and goaltending performances. Moving Serv for Shayne and Muse may spark the offense for the Oilers, but they need to evaluate their defensive structures. Beaster has contributed at both ends of the ice, averaging 3 points a game at forward and putting in a lot of time at defense (albeit not having the best stats). Will the new arrivals bring life back to Edmonton?
Loser: Winnipeg Jets.
Record: 3-5-1.
Important Stats: 14.3 Powerplay Conversion (Last in the league), 34 Goals Against (3rd last in the league).
Trajectory: Downward.
MVP: Reaper.
Albeit marred with controversy, Winnipeg did not have the best week to start the season. They suffered on the powerplay and also couldn’t buy a save. Losing a first round pick doesn’t help either, but Kid and Reap should be energized by the arrival of LeCupidon, a top talent in the SPNHL. Reap put up 2 points per game this week, averaging a goal and an assist in each game he played. With Eggman and Royal holding down the defensive fort, will the new look Jets be able to get off the ground?
Fuck there was a lot of puns in this article. It doesn’t matter.
What does matter is how teams perform this week. One week isn’t enough to derail your season, unless you and your team completely give up. Don’t do that. Alternatively, don’t get too cocky when you find yourself at the top of the standings. Luck can change at the drop of a puck, so don’t take your success for granted. Keep the pressure up, and get ready for another four weeks of hell. We love SP.
Not sure what is happening this weekend given its WRESTLEMANIA WEEKEND and such. I’ll probably be watching G1 Supercard on Saturday, but keep informed in the chat to find out when Koz, Plisk, Reap and I will be bringing you the next edition of SPNHL: Off the Ice over on www.twitch.tv/thespnhl_media! You can also watch archived episodes and listen to us make asses of ourselves.
Thanks for reading, good luck this week, and we’ll see you on the ice!
-DD.

SPNHL, Season 32: Season Preview
By: Jake H. Dietrich.
It’s the calm before the storm again, and the wailing sirens in the intro to Propagandhi’s “Note to Self” are very fitting to be writing this article to. The lead singer is a fan of the Toronto Maple Leafs, who are the only team with a rookie GM this season and a team that went from disaster last season to looking like a contender this season.
Enough about trivial facts, let’s get down to business here. After the dynasty dismantled last season, the New Jersey Devils rose up to claim the crown of the Stanley Cup Champions of the SPNHL. Defending that crown is going to be more difficult than ever, as there are 11 very talented teams who have the potential to make a run at the cup in the thirty-second season of the SPNHL.
There are some all-time greats returning to the SPNHL, talented rookies looking to make a name for themselves, former GMs returning to management positions and tons of other intriguing stories heading into this season. Being the last 5 week season before the lengthy summer season, there will be a mad dash for the finish line, and starting your season with a series of wins is crucial for teams who want to be in that playoff picture.
Let’s take a look at the 12 teams we’ve got in contention this season. We’ll take a look at their projected (for the GMs that didn’t DM me) or actual (thank you to the GMs that did DM me) starting lineups, and give a quick profile of their team. At the end of it all, we’ll rank them by conference and get an idea of how the playoff picture is gonna look. Don’t bet on it, I’m not Miss Cleo giving out free readings.
EASTERN CONFERENCE
NEW JERSEY DEVILS
GM: Dirty-D.
Starting lineup:
LW: SmokeShowJoe.
C: Dirty-Dietrich.
RW: Rich2K8.
LD: DBS.
RD: Bergy.
G: Turtle.
And we’re back! Rich and I return with a strong defensive squad featuring former Norris winner DodgeBlueShells and two key players on last season’s Colorado squad: Bergy and Turtle. Joined by forwards such as Joe and Saunter and with a depth chart that includes MinorThreat and IMC, we feel that our Devils will have a similar build to the defensive juggernaut of the real Devils in the 2000s.
TEAM RATINGS:
Offense: 3. Rich is a phenomenal goal scorer, and the defensive playmakers we have surrounded him with will keep him scoring goals. However, will the lack of additional elite talent weigh us down?
Defense: 5. With a starting duo of DBS and Bergy, a defensive focus at forward, and utility players who can step up and carry the load when duty calls, we feel very confident in our ability to defend our net.
Goaltending: 4. Turtle was the starting goalie for Colorado and William M. Jennings trophy winner last season, and he and rookie Sleepeh will form a strong duo in New Jersey.
NEW YORK RANGERS.
GM: Scalz.
Starting lineup:
LW: MJVoell.
C: Deathclown.
RW: Single-G6.
LD: Nowell.
RD: Smiirk.
G: PNCPark (the whole arena).
After a disappointing season, Scalz returns with the strongest team he has had as a GM in this league. Having the second overall pick for a second consecutive season, Scalz is almost becoming the real-life Edmonton Oilers of the SPNHL (might get confusing, don’t worry about it). With two second overall picks in single and Clown being paired with MJ in front of nowell and Smiirk (or Chief and Scalz) and PNC in net, the Rangers have a good chance at making the playoffs.
TEAM RATINGS:
Offense: 4. They have plenty of talent at forward, and probably would have gotten 5 out of 5 if it weren’t for the poor availability of their starting C and LW. However, if the team makes playoffs, they’ll be a force to be reckoned with.
Defense: 4. Arguably the deepest defensive core in the league, the Rangers have 4 skilled natural defenders who can support the explosive offense on breakouts and in the offensive zone.
Goaltending: 3. PNC is a decent goalie, but has had trouble in SP in the past. Playing behind a team like the Rangers should make life a little easier for PNC and hockeyman, for those games PNC can’t play.
PITTSBURGH PENGUINS
GM: Turd.
Starting lineup:
LW: jmm420.
C: Arrowhunter.
RW: Jeff.
LD: Pliskin.
RD: Monokuuu (PLAYS DEFENSE FOR YOUUU).
G: Turd.
Turdburgler made the playoffs in his second season as a GM, with the Penguins taking the eventual champions to seven games in the first round. While keeping a couple key players in Pliskin and TragicMagic, the Penguins have a new look on offense with Jeff, JMM, and Arrow forming a dangerous top line with supporting options in Monokuuu, Duckweed, and “Holy fucking shit it’s Baseball Mike”.
TEAM RATINGS:
Offense: 4. Jeff is an unbelievably talented player and JMM could be the leading scorer amongst rookies, but will Arrow be a flash in the pan and Tragic’s defensive style match with these two wingers? Will the rookie wingers in Vital and Huncho be as successful as the other wingers on this squad?
Defense: 3. Plisk and Mono are good defenders, and BaseballMike will support them well, but they don’t have the talent at D to compete with the other teams in this conference.
Goaltending: 4. Turd is turd. He’s a great starting goaltender and doesn’t get the credit he deserves. He’ll be the main and perhaps only goaltender for Pittsburgh.
TAMPA BAY LIGHTNING
GM: Uber.
Starting lineup:
LW: xLeGenDaRyy.
C: Stonerboy.
RW: Stamkos.
LD: Uber.
RD: Ajax.
G: Rancher12345.
That top line may be one of the strongest in the league. Uber is carrying on the TrueLegend legacy in Tampa by building one of the strongest teams not only in the conference, but perhaps in the league. Stamkos, Stoner, and Legend have incredible offensive prowess on that line (housing two former first overall picks) and Uber found himself a stalwart of a defensive partner in Ajax. Backstopped by Rancher and Daf while also having Full_Melt and PoolMagician as reserves, it’s gonna be hard to beat the Bolts.
TEAM RATINGS:
Offense: 4. With an incredibly dangerous top line, the Lightning already have an edge over most teams. With Full_Melt and Pool as backups, the Bolts are easily one of the strongest offensive teams in the league.
Defense: 4. Uber and Ajax are one of the best starting pairs in the league bar none, but the lack of depth at the position may cause some issues in case one of them can’t play a game.
Goaltending: 4. Rancher is a former Vezina and Conn Smythe winner and was crucial in New Jersey’s cup victory last season, and with a strong support in Daf, it will be very difficult to score on Tampa this season.
TORONTO MAPLE LEAFS
GM: Shadow.
Starting lineup:
LW: MrBean.
C: Shayne.
RW: NJ.
LD: GodsPlan.
RD: Notorious.
G: Shadow.
Shadow took over the Leafs this past offseason and made a huge move by trading the first overall pick for an all-star defender in GodsPlan and a first round pick. He got Gods’ brother in NJ and built a solid squad with Noto as Gods partner on the back end, while Shayne and Calder winner MrBean form the top line with NJ. Shadow will backstop this squad with Defacin as his backup, and reserve options in Muse, Jared, and Appler compliment this Toronto squad nicely. Will this Toronto squad fall apart like they did halfway through last season?
TEAM RATINGS:
Offense: 4. NJ and Bean are solid wingers who can score goals, but will Shayne or Muse emerge as the starting C? Both are capable, as Muse is a natural C with lower availability and Shayne is an RD with higher availability. Time will tell.
Defense: 4. GodsPlan is a stud at LD, and Shayne can play RD if need be. My question marks are Appler and Noto. Both have experience at D, just haven’t had oodles of success at the position. Maybe this season marks a change.
Goaltending: 3. Shadow is a good goalie, but after a solid couple of seasons at RW, his move back there makes me question it. Not too much is known about Defacin, so his perennial question mark brings down this team’s grade.
WASHINGTON CAPITALS
GM: Kozmo.
Starting lineup:
LW: Extendo.
C: Ransom.
RW: Fluri.
LD: Rankin.
RD: Le-Mollz.
G: Snipeshotty.
Kozmo comes back to the East after some regular season success in the West and brings back Ransom, who has helped Koz get to the finals before. He forms a top line with Fluri and Extendo while Rankin and Le-Mollz hold down the fort in front of the best goaltending duo in the league in Snipeshotty and Westsidehockey. With depth forwards in GermanGretzky and Aurelduhaime and defenders in steelersfan and way2goal, the Capitals have the deepest and best-rounded squad in the Eastern conference.
TEAM RATINGS:
Offense: 4. Ransom is an extraordinary talent up front who can excel as a defensive forward or light it up as a playmaker, and with the dynamic offense of Fluri, Kozmo may have found his Ovechkin and Backstrom. Or Kuznetsov. Maybe Extendo is Kuzy.
Defense: 4. Rankin was touted as one of the best defenders heading into this draft, and with three very talented support defenders in Mollz, Steeler, and Way2Goal balance this team out nicely on the back end.
Goaltending: 5. Last season’s Vezina winner and a goalie that brought the Penguins to the Stanley Cup Finals in season 27. Need we say more?
WESTERN CONFERENCE
EDMONTON OILERS
GM: Vandoos.
Starting lineup:
LW: u12bme.
C: Servnspike (miss you :’( )
RW: LeCupidon.
LD: Beaster.
RD: Sportsgeek.
G: Vandoos.
Vandoos has built a solid team, but will they amount to anything?We say this every season about the Edmonton Oilers, but now that the remnants of the French Connection are cleared, Cupidon has two solid forwards in Jason and Serv to play with, while their defensive pairing of Beaster and Sportsgeek will play well together in front of Vandoos. Backup forwards in Cam, Nutty, and Pooky while Bubba and ElRookie support the back end make for a deep Edmonton squad.
TEAM RATINGS:
Offense: 4. Cupidon is easily one of the best players in the league, and with Jason moving from LD to LW with Serv between them, Edmonton finally has a bonafide top line that reminds me of that Pasta-Bergeron-Rat line in Boston.
Defense: 3. Beaster is a great defender, and while Sportsgeek is good too, Bubba’s lack of experience will either cost this defense or force Jason to move back to LD and take away from that dangerous top line.
Goaltending: 3. Vandoos says he is better this year, but the reputation that he and ElRookie have in net is not a shining one. They’ll be relying on the defense a lot this season, otherwise it may not be pretty.
LOS ANGELES KINGS
GM: PistolPete.
LW: Pete.
C: Hypey.
RW: Sudzy.
LD: CapCan (like Kapkan from Siege except less explosive (sorry))
RD: NowYoDead.
G: Chad the Bitch.
This team genuinely scares me. Pete and Chad went to get some sun in LA and brought some dangerous forwards with them. They have the best top line in the league in Sudzy, Hypey, and Pete playing in front of arguably the best goalie in the league even though he’s a toxic fuck. The issue here may be defense as CapCan and Dead are decent defenders but lack depth at the position. Still, with offense and goaltending like that, they will have very few issues.
TEAM RATINGS:
Offense: 5. Dude, come on. Sudzy, Hypey, and Petey? Unreal. That’s a terrifying line. Dumais and Tedd are no slouches as backup forwards, so LA can feel confident with whoever they put out there.
Defense: 3. The crack in the armour of this team. CapCan and Dead will be this team’s top defensive pairing, but they aren’t that cornerstone defender that most teams need. KC and Fully loaded, their backup defenders, won’t be either.
Goaltending: 5. I despise Chad more than anybody in this league. He’s a great big pain in the ass. He is one of the best goalies I have ever played with and is worth every penny of his large salary.
NASHVILLE PREDATORS
GM: Peacekeeper.
LW: Oriole.
C: Serg.
RW: Yesse (animal).
LD: Kaxoman.
RD: UltimateGamer.
G: Peacekeeper.
Peacekeeper returns as a GM and got stuck with a team that had the privilege of drafting late in every round. The Predators picked up some good players, with a top line of Oriole, Serg and Yesse being supported on D by Kaxo and UltimateGamer. Peace drafter a decent top line to play in front of him, while housing some good backup options in Francey, Bundy, Shaggy, hockeygirl, and ShawnSauve. Nashville has a decent squad, but might find themselves at the bottom of the West.
TEAM RATINGS:
Offense: 3. The Predators have a core of gritty, forechecking forwards with a couple finishers in Yesse and Shaggy. However, they lack the overall offensive prowess that other teams possess.
Defense: 4. Kaxoman and Gamer form a solid defensive pairing, while Shawnsauve and Bundy have also played D in the past. Every season, a team becomes the “utility team”. This is it.
Goaltending: 3. Peacekeeper’s limited availability will require lots of other players to step up and hold down the pipes. Francey looks to be playing net this season, but time will tell if he is as good as he says he is (he says he’s elite. Cool)
VANCOUVER CANUCKS
GM: Triix.
Starting lineup:
LW: Fishhure
C: Triix.
RW: Bstieboy (I’m telling y’all, it’s sabotage!)
LD: Redconcept.
RD: At-ezz.
G: Five-star.
Triix had a bit of a tumultuous season, going from first overall pick to frequently traded throughout the season. To avoid all that BS, he took over as the GM of the Vancouver Canucks and has assembled a solid team. He anchors an immensely talented top line with Fishhure and Bstie, while playing in front of a tight back end (puns?) of redconcept, at_ezz, and fivestar. Shepard and Bruins are good pickups to support their defensive and goaltending efforts, while Ruggle and Wukie will make for good backup forwards.
TEAM RATINGS:
Offense: 4. It would have been a 5 if Fishhure had better availability. All three of their starters are scoring machines and putting them together will result in the Canucks running away with a lot of games this season.
Defense: 4. At_Ezz is a solid RD and Shep has proven himself as a solid defender, but the big question will be how well RedConcept plays out of net. His play at LD could make or break this team.
Goaltending: 4. Fivestar backstopped the Leafs to the finals a few seasons ago, but had a rough season last season. He’ll be looking to return to form this season and with help from Bruins, backstop the Canucks on a deep playoff run.
VEGAS GOLDEN KNIGHTS
GM: Sliyum.
Staring lineup:
LW: Neeposh_Patrick (PLANET PATRICK).
C: Defenestrate.
RW: FrankPompei.
LD: JamieBenn.
RD: Sedinpower (National Hockey League).
G: Sliyum.
A lot of people’s early picks to win the Stanley Cup, the Vegas Golden Knights returned to their first cup final after dismantling the Colorado Dynasty, but fell short to the Devils. This season, they snagged one of the best players in SP history in Sedinpower, and built a team around him that includes Sliyum’s buddy Jamiebenn, FrankPompei, a talented playmaking C in Defenestrate, and Sedin’s old buddy Patrick. With Hossa, Benner, and Bosanceros as backup forwards and Ush as a backup defender, the Knights have a good shot at making the Finals again.
Offense: 4. Defenestrate is one of the most underrated players in this league, and will light it up on a line with Patrick, Pompei, or whoever they put with him. Benner as a backup forward is a huge steal for this team as well.
Defense: 5. Sedin has won the Norris trophy for two seasons in a row, while Jamie and Ush have established themselves as utility players who are best suited as defenders, giving this team the best defense in the west.
Goaltending: 4. Sliyum is a former Hart winner who nearly backstopped a team to a cup this past season. If he plays more, and Bigwalks holds his own as a backup goaltender, he may capture the cup for the first time in 5 seasons.
WINNIPEG JETS
GM: Reaper.
Starting lineup:
LW: Reaper.
C: Hyper.
RW: Kidmoney.
LD: Eggman.
RD: Plastic_World.
G: Dophares.
After losing in the first round to the Avs last season, Winnipeg has found themselves some new weapons to play with. Reaper and Kid form an electric top line with the returning Hyper, while former Colorado GM Eggman and Plastic hold down the fort in front of Doug to form a solid top line. With backup defenders in RoyalKC, Deadant, and HrdWrk, while ArmyBoy handles backup G duties, the Jets have a very deep squad that has the potential to make a deep playoff run.
TEAM RATINGS:
Offense: 4. Reap and Kid are an institution in Winnipeg, and have been trying to find the right forward to play with for a few seasons. Hyper should fill that role jusssst fine and their line will put a lot of pucks in the back of the net.
Defense: 4. Eggman has won many championships at defense, but will he be successful with new defensive partner Plastic? Having Royal and HrdWrk as a backup pairing isn’t too bad either.
Goaltending: 3. Doug is decent but in his chances to prove himself as a starter, he hasn’t had the greatest success. ArmyBoy’s limited experience at D has been poor up to now, so here’s to hoping it won’t translate to G.
RANKINGS
EASTERN CONFERENCE:
Tampa Bay Lightning.
Washington Capitals.
Toronto Maple Leafs.
New Jersey Devils.
New York Rangers.
Pittsburgh Penguins.
WESTERN CONFERENCE
Los Angeles Kings.
Vegas Golden Knights.
Vancouver Canucks.
Winnipeg Jets.
Edmonton Oilers.
Nashville Predators.
Some folks will be upset with their rankings, that’s for sure. They’ll either think they’re too high and be “Oh I’m trash :(“ even though they have a career 3.0 PPG, some will think they’re ranked too low but don’t realize that they aren’t the backbone of the entire team, and some people will be content and won’t bitch about a thing and the world will suddenly combust. Watch it happen. Tell people you love them while you got the chance.
One thing is certain: There is a great field of talent assembled into 12 solid teams with varying strategies. Offensive powerhouses, defensive juggernauts, teams built from the net out, and more. There are a couple of teams that stand out amongst the rest, but anything can happen in the SPNHL and this season should be a perfect example of the chaos and unpredictability that comes with the league.
Tune in this Saturday (or sometime this weekend) to SPNHL: Off the Ice as Kozmo, Pliskin, Reap and I recap the events of this week, talk shit about our own and other teams, and completely ignore the topic as we catch the late game on Hockey Night in Canada (maybe that’ll be just me). You can catch us at twitch.tv/thespnhl_media, so subscribe if you haven’t already!
Good luck to everybody this week, and we’ll see you on the ice!
DD.

SPNHL season 32 draft goes live at 8 PM est.
Check out the live draft board and follow along
Live Draft board  https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/16aQEmErKBWam2pnjgY2CWDj22tMuvGlkxlf3r96kZ44/edit#gid=0
 
Or listen live to our panel of numbskulls as they guide and critique every pick starting around 7:50pm
Live Draft Broadcast  twitch.tv/thespnhl_media
 
or if you want to watch each pick as it unfolds join us on the Forum chat box. (forum account is required)
http://spnhl.canadian-forum.com/
 

SPNHL, Season 31: Stanley CUp Finals Recap + Award Selections
By: Dirty-Dietrich.
My apologies for the late delivery on the article, I was busy discovering life hacks like replacing meatballs in your spaghetti with sausages. Have you tried this? It’s delicious.
Oh my god, I’m a real life version of Todd Chavez from Bojack Horseman. Pray for me.
Let’s get down to business here. After 7 grueling weeks of hockey, only two teams remained: the Vegas Golden Knights and the New Jersey Devils. The Knights emerged as the best team in the west after disposing of the scrappy Underducks in 5 games and (debatably) upsetting the dynasty of the Colorado Avalanche in 6 games, while the Devils almost didn’t make it to the Finals at all. They gave up a 3-1 series lead over Pittsburgh in the first round but won in 7 games, and then knocked out the Tampa Bay Lightning in 5 games to get a chance to compete for the Stanley Cup.
It was a battle of potent offenses as the Knights top line of Stoner, NJ, and Prodigy faced off against the dynamic duo of Grammyhands and Rich2K8. The defensive core of GodsPlan, Cuban, and Uber opposed the Devils’ defenders of Shirk, CeeG, and Royal. We were also witness to a goalie battle as a former Hart Memorial winner in Sliyum stood across the rink from a pair of former Conn Smythe winners in Rancher and Ciulla. I could talk about the talent on these teams all day (a few hours max TBH), but let’s take a look at how the series went down.
Stanley Cup Finals: Vegas Golden Knights vs. New Jersey Devils.
Game 1: Knights win 2-1.
The first game of the series was a matter of the two teams feeling eachother out defensively, so a lot of this game was contested at centre-ice. However, fresh off defeating the reigning champions, Vegas took a 1-0 lead to start the series.
Game 2: Devils win 3-1.
Another hard fought defensive game, the Devils had a good start to a game that served as a must win for them. They needed to stop the momentum of the Knights, and they (temporarily) did so with a big 3-1 win in game.
Game 3: Knights win 6-0.
This one was rough. They let me play LW for a game and I had no fucking clue what I was doing. The Knights shut down the Devils in game 3 and exploded offensively, culminating in a dominating performance in what many thought was a pivotal game 3.
Game 4: Devils win 4-2.
Like I said, people thought it was pivotal. After the Knights had taken a 2-1 lead in the series, the Devils bounced back from the loss with a four goal performance and set the offensive pace for the rest of the series. The defensive stalemate was over, and the offensive battle had begun.
Game 5: Devils win 4-3.
In a chaotic game 5, it was back and forth for three periods. The Knights had a 3-2 lead going into the final minute of the game, but a big move by Rich resulted in the tying goal and a great pass by Grammy lead to the game winning goal in the dying seconds of regulation.
Game 6: Devils win 4-3.
Akin to last game, there was a bit of a kerfuffle in the third period. As the Devils held a 3-1 lead entering the third period, they nearly suffered a catastrophic collapse after the Knights tied it at 3 and took it to overtime. However, a pass interception from Grammy and another exceptional pass to Rich resulted in a 4-3 overtime victory and the Devils being crowned the Stanley Cup champions of Season 31 of the SPNHL.
SPNHL Season 31 Stanley Cup Champions: New Jersey Devils.
After a very well-played series, all the credit in the world is due for the Vegas Golden Knights. Their offense was superb, their defense was stagnant, and their goaltending was exceptional. A group of great guys with a championship pedigree gave the Devils an incredibly tough challenge, but unfortunately a few bad breaks and some poor puck luck resulted in a losing effort for a masterly Vegas squad.
I also wanted to say congratulations to the New Jersey Devils, and want to share a story from the beginning of the season. Grammy sent me a message before the draft, saying “It’s cup or bust this szn for me”. It took some time for me to figure out the best strategy at the draft and our best line throughout the season. At some points in this season, we thought we were gonna fall apart. However, Grammy, Rich, Serv, Canuckz, Shirk, Royal, CeeG, Ciulla, and Rancher all played exceptional when it counted and came together as a team come playoffs. I am exceptionally proud of everybody and am very grateful for the effort you put in and dedication to the team.
Alright! Let’s move on to the Awards! This last season sparked some interesting debates for awards, and it resulted in the emergence of an awards committee! Sedinpower, Shaynestaa, Sliyumshady, Ciulla, and I spent weeks debating who should win these awards and we’re sure our selections will spark some conversation and backlash.
Good. Fuckem. Here are the winners!
(all awards not listed here were statistically determined at the end of the regular season)
Hart Memorial: Snipeshotty (Anaheim Ducks).
Runner-up: Go-Marc.
Snipeshotty backstopped the aptly named Underducks into the playoffs, and was responsible for the majority of their regular season success. Playing in 40 games, he only won 22 of his starts but had an insane statline. He saved 84.75% of the astounding 754 shots against him, 100 more than the next goaltender in line while also recording 3 shutouts. Go-Marc had a stellar season, scoring 57 goals and notching 58 assists in 37 games played and lead the Avalanche to the President’s Trophy for the second season in a row. In the end, Snipeshooty’s value to his team was immeasurable and resulted in his winning of the Hart Memorial trophy.
Conn Smythe: Rich2K8.
Runner-up: Grammyhands.
Grammy was going to win this trophy after being so close to winning the Calder and Hart trophies in past seasons, until games 5 and 6 of the Finals. Rich came alive and put up back to back hat-trick performances (one at D and one at RW) to secure the victory for the New Jersey Devils. With the highest point-per-game total in the playoffs and a dominant performance in the Finals, Rich2K8 secured the Conn Smythe award for playoff MVP.
Frank J. Selke: Bstieboydp.
Runner-up: Yesse__.
After a strong performance for Colorado in season 30, Bstie found his way to the Pittsburgh Penguins where he was a dominant force as a defensive forward. In 33 games, he scored 40 goals to go along with an astounding 146 hits, 89 takeaways, and a 53.84 success rate on faceoffs as he spearheading a strong Penguins forecheck. Yesse had a great season across the state in Philly, scoring 39 goals to match his 40 assists, while delivering 44 hits, 66 takeaways, and winning 56.64% of faceoffs. The race was extremely close for this award, but Bstie squeaked out the win for the award for best defensive forward.
Bill Masterton: PEACEKEEPER500.
Runner-up: NONE. THE VOTE WAS UNANIMOUS. GET FUCKED.
As Toronto redrafted a team that went to the Stanley Cup Finals last season, a new face on the Leafs was former Philly GM Peacekeeper. Old friends turned to bitter enemies as the Leafs fell apart halfway through the season and with Jayscott being all but absent, Peacekeeper took charge and iced a team every night. He could have easily asked for a trade or ignored his responsibility, but he chose otherwise and showed qualities of perseverance, sportsmanship, and dedication to the SPNHL.
Lady Byng: Iam_mrbean.
Runner-up: aE_MuSe.
In what has recently been called the “TrueLegend” award, we have a new winner of the Lady Byng award for the first time in 7 seasons! Bean bursted into the league with a strong season and had a hand in helping the Underducks make the playoffs. He finished 10th in scoring (lead all rookies) with 38 goals and 42 assists in 33 games, while amassing a minimal 6 penalty minutes. Muse had a great season in Philly with 27 goals and 31 assists in 30 games while keeping his PIMs to 8, but Bean’s discipline and high standard of play scored him the Lady Byng.
Norris Memorial: Sedinpower.
Runner-up: Gods3_3Plan1.
Now, before any controversy is made about the award, Sedin did not vote for himself. The rest of us, however, did. Sedin established himself as the best defender in the SPNHL for the second season in a row after another President’s Trophy campaign where he amassed 30 points in 25 games, while remaining +31 with 102 hits and only 12 pims. GodsPlan scored 31 points in 27 games and was +13 with 39 hits and 20 pims. GodsPlan emerged as an elite defender, and even Execution had another great season, but Sedin once again established the standard for all-around ability at the position.
Vezina Trophy: Snipeshotty.
Runner-up: chadkillz134.
We’ve already talked about the stellar season Snipeshotty had that lead him to win the Hart Memorial, so let’s talk about how Chad the Chode’s stats stack up and nearly won him the Vezina trophy. Chad won 28 of his 44 starts, saved 84.40% of the 654 shots he faced, while retaining a 2.32 GAA and recording 1 shutout. Chad had very impressive numbers and proved himself as a consistently elite goalkeeper, but Snipeshotty was the top goaltender in the SPNHL this season.
Calder Trophy: Snipeshotty.
Runner-up: Iam_mrbean.
It’s a hat trick for Snipeshotty! Winning the Vezina trophy and the Hart Memorial is impressive, but doing it in your first season in the league? That’s practically unheard of. The Underducks drafted a collection of very talented rookies, as their rookie netminder took home 3 awards and their rookie left wing lead all rookies in scoring and scored the Lady Byng trophy for his efforts. You gotta give credit to Koz and Shadow for discovering and developing talent.
And that’s a wrap on season 31! It’s been a long road to get to this point, and I wanted to thank everybody who came along for the ride! Thank you for playing in this league, thank you for reading the articles, thank you for your presence in this community. However, there ain’t no rest for the wicked (until we close our eyes for good) (I’ve been playing a lot of Borderlands recently).
The Draft for Season 32 of the SPNHL is on Tuesday, March 19th and the regular season will be just around the corner, getting underway on March 25th! Also, now that I know how to use this OBS shit, expect regular episodes of SPNHL: Off the Ice! Plisk, myself, and an assortment of guests will be joining us throughout the draft (which we will broadcast live) and for episodes of Off the Ice throughout Season 32, so stay tuned to twitch.tv/thespnhl_media!
Thank you for another great season, let’s look forward to another one!
-DD.

Rookie Showcase 1 March 8-10th.
Rookie Showcase 2 (if needed) March 14-16th
GM selections March 14-15
Reg Closure March 15th
Player Re-Sign Due March 17th
Draft March 19th.
Season opens on March 25th.