SPNHL, Season 33 Wrap-Up: Conference Finals, Cup Finals. and Awards!
By: Dirty-Dietrich
Well, this first paragraph might be a little difficult. My GF is describing her dream about us being rulers of the “moooon” and is kinda grabbing my attention. One moment.
Well, it’s been a while, but here we are. One team stands tall, leaving 11 teams in the dust in their pursuit and eventual capture of Championship glory. A grueling two months of hockey riddled with passionate blood-feuds, controversy, tragedy, triumph, and much more have all culminated in 10 players getting Stanley Cup rings. Congratulations to the Detroit Red Wings, President’s Trophy winners and after three hard fought series, the holders of the greatest trophy in the SPNHL.
Season 33 Stanley Cup Winners: Detroit Red Wings.
Season 33 President’s Trophy Winners: Detroit Red Wings.
It was a great season for the Red Wings, as Reap drafted well and maintained one of the most solid cores in the league in a highly competitive Eastern conference. Himself, GP, and LeCupidon formed one of the most impressive forward lines we have seen in recent seasons, with production per player exceeding 40 goals and 100 points. They were supported on defense by Jason A.K.A U1 A.K.A FQ (who got his 3rd cup in 5 seasons or something, guy is building a nice trophy case), and an incredible RD in Smiirk. The Red Wings had solid depth options too, with IzzetChronarch and Cookieman helping out defensively, Betobone playing all over the ice, and Shock_R minding the pipes when needed. But the difference maker came through a trade.
Acquiring Chad was pivotal for the Red Wings, as they solidified their goaltending with a Vezina and even Hart-caliber netminder. Chad played outstanding during the regular season, and his stellar play continued into the post-season. I would tell you more about the numbers, but damn Pliskin changed which stats are displayed on the website so all I can see are his regular season numbers! Oh well. The Red Wings chose Chad as their most valuable player during the playoffs. Congratulations!
Season 33 Conn Smythe winner: chadkillz134.
We’ve covered the winners of Lord Stanley’s cup, but lets take a look at the fates of the three other conference finalists.
Carolina Hurricanes
After dispatching of the offensively dynamic New York Rangers in 5 games in the first round, Uber and the West Carolina Hurricanes seemed poised for a very competitive series against the Red Wings. After the Wings took two of the first three games, the Hurricanes were looking to bounce back and deploy their top line. However, a disputed forfeit in game 4 lead to a premature exit (everybody calm down, behave yourselves). Carolina had a solid top line of Kred, BK, Jayscott, Jamie, Sliyum, and Uber, but unfortunately, schedules conflicted, circumstances arose, and what looked like a trip to the finals turned out to be a trip to the golf course.
Nashville Predators
Nashville held on two a 2-1 lead in the dying seconds of game 7 to advance to the conference finals, as At_Ezz and his gang of veterans showed their resilience. Rich, Slapshotjoe, Stamkos, Vandoos, Legendary, and more showed their grit as they won 4 out of seven two face the Vegas Golden Knights, who were hell bent on returning to the Stanley Cup finals. As they did in the first round, the Nashville squad took the series to seven games. However, they didn’t fare as well as they did in the first round, as the Knights disposed of the Predators in 7 games. Ezz almost wrote his own Cinderella story, as he believed (and had me convinced, too), that his group of vets had what it took to make it to the finals, but ultimately fell a bit short.
Vegas Golden Knights
Vegas had a rocky start to the season, with Sliyum stepping down and Fivepointohh taking over (seemingly out of nowhere), but managed to secure the fourth seed in the conference and disposed of the first-seeded Vancouver Canucks. Vegas had a core of solid players at both ends of the ice including Fox, Prodigy, PP, and Shayne, with many utility players making up the rest of the team. The confidence of the Knights was never in question, and could be one of the main reasons that they were able to survive the attack of the Predators and make it to the Stanley Cup Finals for a second consecutive season. After being victorious last season with an almost entirely different team, the Knights were ready to defend their crown. However, the luck in Vegas wasn’t as good as it was last season, as the Wings eliminated the Knights in 5 games. Vegas was going for their third cup in 7 seasons, but will have to settle for four finals appearances in that time span, with this being their third consecutive. Not too bad.
Alright, now with the post-season wrap up completed, let’s go back to the regular season and talk about the awards! This season, I’m keeping the awards committee anonymous (some people already know) and before you accuse me of selecting them myself: I didn’t. Plisk doesn’t want to do it, I don’t want to do it myself, so we need a system. I may introduce a GM ballot next season for awards selection, so then everybody is at fault!
Let’s talk about the ones that didn’t require voting first.
Season 33 Art Ross Trophy Winner: Kred_14.
Not only did Kred lead all rookies in points, but he also lead the entire league in points with an astounding 164. This is no easy feat given some of the competition that he faced this season, and some of the offensive powerhouses the league had. Not only did he win the Art Ross, he also won…
Season 33 Rocket Richard Winner: Kred_14.
90 goals. Kred lead all players and scored an astounding 90 goals this season, the most since last summer season where Grammyhands score 95. Once again, this is being completed by a rookie in a field with elite scorers such as Grammy, Bean, Deathclown, and more. Kred’s offensive dominance resulted in one of the best regular season performances in quite some time.
Season 33 William M. Jennings Winner: chadkillz134.
Every elite team needs an elite goaltender, and Chad played that part perfectly for the best team in the regular and postseason, letting in the fewest goals out of any goaltender. Over 54 games, the Red Wings only let in 118 goals, with an average of just over 2 goals. In a league where scoring comes at a premium, seeing a team keep that number to such a low one is impressive, and that is virtually impossible without a goalie like Chad.
Season 33 Jack Adams Winner: Reapz2313.
Winning the cup for the first time since season 19, Reaper also wins the Jack Adams trophy, as the owner who completed his GM duties at the highest level, for the first time since season 19. Reap was near the top of the standings all season and pulled off some fantastic trades to make his team even better. He managed to keep this level of talent for the entire season and eventually turned it into a championship ring. Congratulations!
Season 33 NHL Plus-Minus Winner: Reapz2313.
Reap played almost every game for the President’s Trophy winning Detroit Red Wings, playing the wing on an incredibly dangerous top line. Under these circumstances, he thrived and was a league-best +76, the best total in three seasons.
Season 33 King Clancy Winner: Sedinpower.
Even though he didn’t play this season, Sedin remained an active part of the SPNHL community and ran his season-annual predictions contest, winning the award for the outstanding contribution to the SPNHL community! Ushkilledya won it this year, and was the recipient of a $100 PSN card (I believe). Sedin’s legacy in SP is extensive, and this is just another contribution to his ever-growing resume in the league. There’s a reason they call it the Sedinpower National Hockey League.
Now, onto the fun/not so fun ones!
Season 33 Calder Memorial Winner: Kred_14.
He won the Art Ross trophy and the Rocket Richard trophy in his first season in the league. Need we say more?
Season 33 Bill Masterton Winner: ThePoolMagician.
This was a tough one that came down to Peacekeeper and Pool, but Pool narrowly edged out the competition. He faced a tumultuous first season as a GM but always kept his cool and made moves that would better the team. Many GMs who faced the obstacles that he faced would give up, but like Peacekeeper has done so in the past, Pool stuck it out and wins the award for perseverance and dedication to hockey.
Season 33 Lady Byng Memorial Winner: Yesse__.
Yesse’s first season as a GM was a productive one, as he and the Blackhawks were the second seed in the Western Conference. Part of their strong record was Yesse himself, who had another stellar season with 75 points and an astounding 6 penalty minutes. His behaviour off the ice reflects his disciplined style of play on the ice, and has earned him the award for sportsmanship and a high level of play.
Season 33 Frank J. Selke Winner: Servnspike.
Sorry PP! Serv edged you out for the award for forward who best excels at the defensive aspects of the game. Serv is a great shutdown C who wins the majority of his faceoffs (52% of them this season), has a great giveaway to takeaway ratio (sitting just under 2.5:1), and has great positioning at both ends of the ice. He’s always been touted as one of the best defensive forwards, and now has some hardware to prove it.
Season 33 Vezina Trophy Winner: chadkillz134.
We’ve talked about him enough during this article, but Chad retains his crown as the best goalie that the SPNHL has to offer. His play helped the Red Wings win the President’s Trophy, as he only lost 5 games this season and retained a stellar 83.74 save percentage and possessed a GAA of just under 2 to go along with 4 shutouts. After a superb season that helped him deck out his trophy case, expect Chad to maintain his strong play and prove to be one of the all time greats in the SPNHL.
Season 33 Norris Memorial Trophy Winner: The_Real_Pistol
Speaking of all-time greats in the SPNHL, PistolPete changed his name and his game this season, emerging as a very talented offensive defender and taking home the Norris trophy as the best defender in the league for the very first time. Pete’s offensive prowess helped him accumulate 46 assists in 34 games, and added 73 hits with only 20 penalty minutes and 93 takeaways on the defensive front. If Pete keeps pursuing this career path, then we may see his name on the Norris winner list more often than not.
Season 33 Hart Memorial Winner: Iam_mrbean.
Bean has emerged to be one of the premier forwards in this league and was the driving force behind Pittsburgh’s offense this past season, scoring 66 of Pittsburgh’s 185 goals and assisting on another 51. The Penguins had a solid defensive team with fellow award winner Serv, and it was tough to not give this one to Kred, but the contrast in team structures made Bean’s performance that much more impressive and earns him the nod as the most valuable player to his team.
It’s 2:45 on a Wednesday morning. I’m tired as all hell. Congratulations to all the award winners and once again, congratulations to the Stanley Cup Champions, the Detroit Red Wings!
Let’s get ready for season 34! Registration is open and the season is likely to start at the beginning of October. In the meantime, I hope everybody enjoys the rest of the summer, and see you on NHL 20!
Cheers,
-DD.

SPNHL, Season 33: Playoffs! First Round Review, Conference Finals Preview
By: DIrty-Dietrich
“Better luck next time!”
Wow, 0 for 4 for predictions. I really shit the bed, didn’t I? That’s okay. My decisions were influenced by who I believed would win and also by who I didn’t want to win, so maybe there’s a bit of a bias. Fortunately, my opinions don’t matter, and the best teams in each series won, with some series being completely one-sided while others were a bit more competitive and coming down to a missed net in the dying seconds of a game 7 (Barzy missed an open net after scoring on his own, hAtE tO sEe It).
Regardless, we are set for two very competitive conference final matchups with some very intriguing storylines. Uberpwned is on the verge of being the GM of the Eastern Conference champions again, after taking Tampa Bay to the finals last year, while the Season 32 Champions, the Vegas Golden Knights, got a roster overhaul but still made it to the final four on the backs of great play from PP and Prodigy. Reap brings a loaded squad to the ECF as he tries to make the finals for the first time since Season 19 (where he won with the Flyers) and bring GodsPlan to his third final in four seasons, and At_Ezz brought the Predators back to prominence and enters the WCF with a talented forward core consisting of Stamkos, Legendary, Knees, Rich, and SLAPSHOTJOE.
Let’s take a look at how these teams made it past their opponents in the last round, and get some insight from their respective GMs on their success last round and some keys to victory for this round. I just got them to write out stuff because A.) It’s better to have some insight from players who were playing in and/or watched each game of the series, and B.) I just got too lazy to do my own research. We’ll also look at some stats from each team and MAYBE I’ll even get a prediction right!
EASTERN CONFERENCE
Detroit Red Wings (1) vs. Pittsburgh Penguins (4)
After dropping the first game of the series to the Penguins 5-3, the Red Wings went on a tear and outscored their opponents 18-3 over the course of the next 4 games, with LeCupdion assisting on 9 of their 21 goals in the series. Chad and Shock both played very well between the pipes, with both goalies averaging under 1.8 goals per game and a save percentage above 85%.
About his team’s first round play, Reap said: “Things we did well: we played as a team and moved the puck. We stayed out of the penalty box and killed off penalties. Also, we took it one game at a time.”
Kudos to the Penguins, but for Lomax and Pliskin, is it time to shed the Pittsburgh skin and find a new home without first round playoff woes?
Carolina Hurricanes (2) vs. New York Rangers (3)
In a series that would ultimately be decided by connection, the Hurricanes used their home ice advantage to perfection. The Canes took the first two games by a cumulative score of 18-3, taking advantage of their connection advantage. They won game three, and after New York took game 4, they finished it off at home with a 3-1 victory. Jamie and Uber did a good job of shutting down the dynamic duo of Deathclown and Cohen, while their own dynamic duo of Kred and BK went to work, scoring 21 goals over the course of 5 games.
Regarding his team’s first round success, Uber stated: “Everything went well last round. We needed to win at least 1 east game to give us a shot, and we shut down deathclown and nehxc, which was a bonus.”
After Scalz’s best finish in SP to date, a disappointing first round exit may leave him going back to the drawing board in search of a new strategy for next season.
WESTERN CONFERENCE
Vancouver Canucks (1) vs. Vegas Golden Knights (4)
I had a bit of an invested interest in this series, as it was my former team going up against the reigning champions. I thought the Canucks would have it in the bag, but Vegas shocked a lot of people and upset the first seed in the Western Conference. After forfeiting game one, the Knights beat the Canucks in four straight games to take the series. Steelersfan kept the Canucks to just 5 goals, stopping 54 of their 59 shots while there was all around offensive contributions from Shayne, PP, Prodigy, and Daf.
Fivepointohh on his team’s first round victory: “We played really well defensively”. Thanks Five. Braun Strowman looking mafucka
After a strong regular season (riddled with problems and controversy by the season’s end), how will Triix and the Canucks respond? *Spoiler alert: he stepped down. RIP*
Chicago Blackhawks (2) vs. Nashville Predators (3)
What a roller coaster of a series this was! The Predators dropped the first two games of this series by a cumulative score of 7-1, Nashville proceeded to beat Chicago in their next three games. Chicago fought back from the brink of elimination to force a game seven, but Nashville held on to a 2-1 lead to take the series. Somewhat of an underdog, the Predators relied on a solid defensive structure to shut down the offensively overpowered Blackhawks. While Rich had 12 points in 6 games, he’ll need some stronger offensive support in this next series.
Ezz commented on his team’s first round: “Well last round, we started off 0-2 and found a way to pull 1 game out of 3 the first night . With stamkos returning off suspension that also helped our offense/defense to get back in rhythm to finish the series off.”
Yesse’s first season in Chicago was a successful one, and if there’s anything I know about, it’s having high expectations in your first season as a GM and falling in the first round. A few seasons later, you win a cup. Stay optimistic.
SECOND ROUND
EASTERN CONFERENCE FINALS:
Detroit Red Wings (1) vs. Carolina Hurricanes (3)
Team: Detroit Red Wings.
Playoff Record: 4-1.
Leading Scorer: Reapzzzzzz.
Goals scored: 21 (Rank: 2).
Goals against: 8 (Rank: 2).
Powerplay Percentage: 38.1 (Rank: 1)
Penalty kill Percentage: 83.3 (Rank: 2)
We talked about X-Factors, starting lineups, strengths and weaknesses last round, so we won’t get too in depth with that shit. Let’s talk about what this team needs to do to win.
Recipe for Success: According to Reap, the Red Wings need to do the “Same thing: stick to our game style. Play defensive when needed and bring our offensive game, and for our goalies to keep playing solid in net, as they have been all season”.
He’s right. This is a battle between two high powered offensive teams, and this will turn into a Gunfight at the O.K. Corral if the defense doesn’t step up. The Red Wings have a bevy of talent on their blue line, and if deployed properly, will be able to shut the Hurricanes down. As long as they prioritize a solid team-defense, they’ll reduce the high-percentage scoring opportunities against their goalies and take the series.
Team: Carolina Hurricanes.
Playoff Record: 4-1.
Leading Scorer: Kred.
Goals scored: 27 (Rank: 1).
Goals against: 11 (Rank: 3).
Powerplay Percentage: 10 (Rank: 3)
Penalty kill Percentage: 66.7 (Rank: 4)
Recipe for Success: Uber kept his answer to this one short and sweet: “I believe we are gonna need to win 1 east game as well this series, and we need to keep playing D and shutting down the forwards.”
Kinda sounds like a broken record/hockey 101 at this point, but this is what you need to do against a very strong offensive squad, and it’s a battle of two of the best at this point. Sure, Kred and BK are leading an offensive core that is averaging more than 5 goals a game, but that can only do so much if you’re ignoring your defensive responsibilities against a team that boasted three players who scored over 100 points in the regular season. That connection will play a factor as well, so as long as Carolina can win a game on East connection, which is what Detroit will be winning, they should win their three home games prior to game seven and take the series.
The Verdict: I think that the Red Wings have more depth than the Hurricanes, that’s for sure. If anything, Carolina needs to play their backup players in the first or second game, and then let their top line ride out the series. From there, the Canes can deploy their top line on West connection and shift the momentum in their direction and never look back. In a battle of two juggernauts, the Motor City will fall.
Prediction: Hurricanes in 6.
WESTERN CONFERENCE FINALS:
Nashville Predators (3) vs. Vegas Golden Knights (4)
Team: Nashville Predators.
Playoff Record: 4-3.
Leading Scorer: Rich2K8.
Goals scored: 15 (Rank: 3).
Goals against: 16 (Rank: 4).
Powerplay Percentage: 0 (Rank: 4)
Penalty kill Percentage: 100 (Rank: 1)
Recipe for Success: After an exhausting series, Ezz looks forward to these next potential seven games with a confident perspective: “This round, if we continue to apply the pressure and come out striking like we did at the end of round 1 we will be the team to beat. There’s a lot of doubts about this team, looking at all the predictions, but I drafted these guys for situations like this. I have a team full of vets and Cup winners on this team that know what it takes to win, which is a plus for the Predators. Vegas has a nice core group of guys, but the Predators have depth and flexibility on our roster. I can move guys in different positions to go against any one GM or any adjustment that any GM makes against us. Trust me when I say this: we are coming full force and I promise you, if you sleep, slack or play with us, we will beat you. You have to beat us in 7 and don’t think there’s a team this season who can beat us in 7 with my depth and the vets on my roster.”
Rich and Stamkos are both former Conn Smythe winners with multiple Cups under their belt, while the rest of the Predators are no strangers to championship glory or playoffs nontheless. Vegas has a strong roster, but Ezz makes a great point about the versatility and depth of his roster. He’s got four forwards who have the potential to blow a game wide open, and will be counting on them to deliver in what looks to be a veranaly competitive series against the Knights.
Team: Vegas Golden Knights.
Playoff Record: 4-1.
Leading Scorer: PP.
Goals scored: 11 (Rank: 4).
Goals against: 6 (Rank: 1).
Powerplay Percentage: 10 (Rank: 3)
Penalty kill Percentage: 83.3 (Rank: 2)
Recipe for Success: FivepointBraun kept his analysis short and sweet: “next series we need to get pucks in the back of the net which has been an issue all season”.
Out of the remaining playoff teams, they are the lowest scoring team. However, that’s their only main concern, as their defense and goaltending have been stellar thus far. Prodigy and PremierPlayer are no offensive slouches by far, and if they can form a solid starting line while Fox and co. hold down the back end, they will have plenty of solid scoring opportunities stemming from puck movement and fast breakouts. If they can convert on those opportunities, it will be game over for the Predators and back to back finals berths for the Golden Knights.
The Verdict: this one is a tough one for me. The Knights disposed of the Canucks in such an easy fashion, but the Predators had a very difficult matchup against the Blackhawks. Vegas can be a very frustrating team to play against, but the depth and experience of the Predators will ensure that no matter how frustrated they get, they will keep their cool and keep attacking. I was gonna go with Vegas on this one, but Ezz’s passionate speech made me change my mind.
Prediction: Predators in 7.
These next two nights will set the foundation for what should be a very interesting Stanley Cup Finals matchup, no matter which two teams make it. The offensive clash of the east will breed a finalist that will be in stark contrast to the gritty Western Conference champion that will be decided. There probably won’t be any blowout victories over the course of the next two nights, just some great games of hockey. So, for the love of all that is good, somebody stream! It makes it easier to do an in-depth analysis as opposed to just hoping the numbers tell the story.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WFoC3TR5rzI
So, for the remaining four teams, I wish you the best of luck! GIve it your best, and be ready to go for at least one more week following this one. Whoever wants it more is gonna get it, so don’t be afraid to get your hands dirty and get aggressive on the ice, but don’t be reckless. This is playoff hockey we’re talking about. Your team needs all hands on deck if you want to win the Stanley Cup.
Good luck everybody, we’ll see you on the ice!
-DD.

SPNHL: Season 33: Playoff Preview.
By: Dirty-Dietrich.
It’s been a while, hasn’t it? How have you been? Me? Oh, I’ve been good I guess. Just working two jobs over three different locations while trying to spend some time with my long distance girlfriend as she resides here for the summer. She’s playing RDR2 on the couch while I’m jamming “Ænima” by Tool and writing this out. Man, Hooker with a Penis is a fucking banger, eh?
Regardless, this season has been two months of hard work, shit talking, controversy, and so much more. We’ve seen rookies break out and win scoring titles (congrats, Kred), we’ve seen GMs step down and pass on the bullshit of owning just to own it between the pipes (sup Sliyum?), and we’ve seen overrated players get traded from a playoff team to a basement dweller (that’s me, sorry Marv). The summer season of the SPNHL is always an exhausting one, as it is an endurance test in comparison to the usual sprint of the standard five week seasons. At the end of these two months, eight teams have withstood the pressure and find themselves one step closer to contending for the Cup.
I wanted to say thank you to Serg, Pool, and PGH for their efforts this season, as they all experienced the difficulties of being a GM of a losing team and finished out the season with their respective teams. The Caps, Bruins, and Kings will be teams to watch out for if they draft properly. Marv, I left you out because we’re coming back next season and if we don’t make the playoffs, I’m going on a road trip and ending up in jail. Be warned.
ANYWAYS… with the pleasantries towards the teams who missed the playoffs out of the way, let’s take a look at our first round matchups and see what each team brings to the table. We’re gonna be looking at their strengths and weaknesses, as well as their X-factors and what they’ll need to do to beat their opponent. This may drum up a bit of an argument, but whatever, when do these articles not?
Let’s start with the Eastern Conference! Let me get a drink first. It’s hotter than hell in my apartment.
EASTERN CONFERENCE
Detroit Red Wings (1) vs. Pittsburgh Penguins (4)
Team: Detroit Red Wings.
GM: Reapzzzzzzzzzzzz.
Regular Season Record: 40-10-4 (President’s Trophy).
Leading Scorer: Reapzzzzzzzzzzzz.
X-Factor: LeCupidon.
Starting Lineup:
LW: LeCupidon.
C: GodsPlan.
RW: Reapzzzzzzzzzzzz.
LD: Jason/U1/Faaa_Kueue.
RD: Smiirk.
G: ChodeKillz.
Strength: offense. This is a team who dismantled opponents with a five pronged offensive attack. They had their top line all crack 100 points for the first time in a season since the Four Horsemen in Dallas, and have a very talented playmaker with a natural finisher on that top line. With a pair of puck moving defenders at their disposal, they’re going to be a hard team to deal with in a seven game series.
Weakness: tough one. Maybe defensive depth? It was really hard to pick here, but I think if Smiirk and Jason aren’t playing, this team’s defensive options aren’t that strong. Izzet is a decent defender, but Betobone and Cookie aren’t the strongest options and won’t be playing forward anytime soon. Although they have to be played, the need to be played sporadically and with a strong partner.
Recipe for Success: offensive pressure. The Red Wings need to continue to do what they have all season, and apply offensive pressure. They need to take risks, exploit holes, and capitalize on the opportunities provided by mistakes Pittsburgh may make. If they do get caught, they have an award winning goalie in net to bail them out.
Team: Pittsburgh Penguins.
GM: Lomax.
Regular Season Record: 30-18-6.
Leading Scorer: Iam_mrbean.
X-Factor: Serv (sorry Bean, but this guy is one of those dangerous motherfuckers who turns it on come playoff time).
Starting Lineup:
LW: Iam_mrbean.
C: Francey/ChinesePeen.
RW: Serv.
LD: Lomax.
RD: Gohawks.
G: Pliskin.
Strengths: variety. When I look at that top line, I see one of the most underrated players in the league, a top-tier defensive forward, and a centre with great playmaking ability. You’ve got solid offensive options and defensive options that are just as good. This will be a tough team to beat, and with great depth options in Kopitar and Visibility, they will be competitive in each game they play.
Weaknesses: defense. So, this one was a little bit easier. Gohawks is still a great shutdown defender, but his partner has been inconsistent throughout this season. It was Pete for a few weeks, but eventually became Execution, who is having a rough season. With Lomax stepping in on his off side, this brings up even more questions and may be their downfall in a seven game series against the President’s Trophy winners.
Recipe for Success: team defense. The forwards may have to compensate for the astounding offensive pressure the Red Wings apply, and there aren’t many better than Francey and Serv to handle that pressure. If they can force turnovers and let the explosive Mrbean drive the breakout, the Penguins may surprise a lot of people and eliminate the reigning regular season champs.
Prediction: Penguins in 7.
Not much insight into this one. I just like pissing Chad off.
Carolina Hurricanes (2) vs. New York Rangers (3)
Team: Carolina Hurricanes.
GM: Uberpwned.
Regular Season Record: 38-13-3.
Leading Scorer: Kred.
X-Factor: Sliyum.
Starting Lineup:
LW: Jayscott.
C: BK.
RW: Kred.
LD: JamieBenn.
RD: UberPwned.
G: Sliyum.
Strength: offense. While Carolina doesn’t have as many of their offensive weapons that they held at the beginning of the season, they arguably have a more well-rounded lineup that will present them with an opportunity to advance very far in these playoffs. Kred and BK are both point producing machines, but the rest of their team are no slouches and will provide offensive support to the dynamic duo of West Carolina.
Weakness: defensive depth. This is my new cop out answer. Past Uber and Jamie, this team does not boast a load of natural defenders. Sportsgeek is better suited in net than at D, while Embryo, Thomas, and Mikita are all forwards. If Uber and Jamie can play all 6, they’ll be fine. Otherwise, they’re taking a risk which, much like Detroit, they can afford in front of a world-class goalie.
Recipe for Success: breakouts. Sliyum may want to consider playing the puck a bit more, as Uber and Jamie both have the ability to make great breakout passes that will catch the Rangers’ defense sleeping, allowing Kred and BK to blow past them and make magic happen. Especially against a team with a strong forecheck like the Rangers, this will be crucial.
Team: New York Rangers.
GM: Scalz.
Regular Season Record: 37-15-2.
Leading Scorer: Deathclown.
X-Factor: Cohen.
Starting Lineup:
LW: Deathclown.
C: Cohen.
RW: MG.
LD: Shepard.
RD: Noto.
G: Ciulla.
Strength: offense. It seems like this one is gonna be the battle of the dynamic duos, as last season’s Conn Smythe winner in Cohen is paired with a Hart favourite this season in Deathclown for a very dangerous LW/C tandem. With RW options in either MG or Neeposh, expect these seven games to be a shootout filled with one timers and L2 dekes. Just step up and hammer the fuckers!
Weakness: goaltending. Sorry Ciulla, but your season hasn’t been so good 🙁 The Rangers have netminders battling for the top spot in Ciulla and Shitterboyz, but history has shown the Ciulla is a solid playoff goaltender and may turn his regular season woes into postseason success. However, if the regular season play continues into the playoffs, this will be the downfall of the Rangers.
Recipe for Success: defensive structure. Many people give Death and Cohen shit for their defensive ability, but if they can shut down the zone with a Norris candidate in Shep, they’ll prevent the Hurricanes from surging in their zone and will frustrate the Carolina squad. Frustrated teams make stupid mistakes, and the Rangers will need to capitalize on those in order to take the series.
Prediction: Rangers in 7.
The Clown has toiled in playoff mediocrity for far too long. This is the season where he proves himself in the postseason. Having two former Conn Smythe winners on your team doesn’t hurt either.
WESTERN CONFERENCE
Vancouver Canucks (1) vs. Vegas Golden Knights (4)
Team: Vancouver Canucks.
GM: Diirty-Triix.
Regular Season Record: 37-9-7.
Leading Scorer: Diirty-Triix.
X-Factor: Daddy_Entry
Starting Lineup:
LW: Beaster.
C: Triix.
RW: Fluri.
LD: Redconcept.
RD: Dominando.
G: Daddy_Entry.
Strength: goaltending. The Canucks were blessed with solid goaltending from the getgo scoring Chad and Red in the draft, but after moving Chad, Entry stepped up to take over the backup role, and eventually moved into the starting role while Red moved up to defense. When Entry can’t play, Red will play, and the Canucks can skate confidently knowing their goalies will bail them out of sticky situations in the defensive zone.
Weakness: offensive depth. Aside from Triix and Fluri, the offensive options on this team aren’t the greatest. Beast has had a decent season, but forwards like Anzzo, Duhaime, and Frankjones don’t pack the offensive punch one would require in the playoffs. They’ll have to rely on their top line to produce if this team wants to make it out of the first round.
Recipe for Success: puck movement. Triix is excellent at driving the puck into the zone, but teams will notice this and collapse on him, often positioning two defenders on him. If he can move that puck to Fluri, a talented playmaker, they will be able to open up the lanes a bit more and engage in a dangerous cycle that more often than not will lead to a goal. Keep that going, and the series belongs to Vancouver.
Team: Vegas Golden Knights.
GM: FivePointOhhh.
Regular Season Record: 28-23-3.
Leading Scorer: PremierPlayer.
X-Factor: ProdigytoLegend.
Starting Lineup:
LW: Prodigy.
C: PP.
RW: Freeze.
LD: Fox.
RD: Shayne.
G: Dafoumanchew.
Strength: defense. I still believe Fox is one of the best defenders on this game, and having a partner in Shayne isn’t a bad way to compliment a former Norris winner. Having a strong defensive centre in PP adds to the already imposing control they hold over the neutral zone, and prevent pucks from entering their zone. With teamrun as a backup option, this team will be solid in their own end for this series.
Weakness: right wing. Kinda hyper-specific, but besides Oduya (who is on IR), this team has no natural right wing. If Shayne moves up to play, there will be a hole on RD that won’t be easily filled, especially against the top seed in the conference. Freeze is a natural left wing who may not feel as comfortable on the right side, which will likely be the side that the Canucks pressure the most.
Recipe for Success: forecheck. Vegas has a core of forwards who will attack the puck carrier and, more often than not, generate an offensive opportunity out of it. If Freeze and PP can attack and make room for Prodigy to utilize his playmaking skills, then the Golden Knights will not have a hard time scoring goals and will have no problem taking this series.
Prediction: Canucks in 7.
Entry told me he would emasculate me if I predicted otherwise. That’s okay, my GF did that a long time ago. I also think the Canucks have the overall stronger team.
Chicago Blackhawks (2) vs. Nashville Predators (3)
Team: Predators.
GM: Yesse.
Regular Season Record: 33-17-4.
Leading Scorer: Grammyhands.
X-Factor: PistolPete.
Starting Lineup:
LW: Micro.
C: Yesse.
RW: Grammy.
LD: Pistol.
RD: Barzy.
G: Rancher.
Strength: momentum. The Blackhawks enter the playoffs on a 15 game win streak, after going 18-17-4 through their first 39 games. This is a combination of great trades, players reaching potential, and chemistry clicking at just the right time. IMO, this team is my pick to win the whole thing. I’ve won a cup with Rancher and Grammy before, and both players elevate their game when it matters most.
Weakness: expectations? IDK, I got nothing for them. The only players on the team who aren’t solid are wheelchairdevon and MooCow, but given they only need to be played a game each, they won’t have too much of an impact. A lot of people see this team coming out of the West, and the possibility of them folding under pressure is very real. It happened to Pete and Yesse before, so fuckem! Maybe it can happen again!
Recipe for Success: whatever the hell they’ve been doing for 15 games. You’ve got two solid puck moving defenders who can break the puck out to two incredibly dynamic forwards, all while you have an excellent goaltender backstopping you. This is something that you do not change, and if you don’t, not only will it take you out of this round, but also potentially to the finals.
Team:Nashville Predators.
GM: At_Ezz.
Regular Season Record: 31-22-1.
Leading Scorer: Rich2K8.
X-Factor: BrokeTheDam/Knees.
Starting Lineup:
LW: Legendary.
C: Rich2K8.
RW: BrokeTheDam.
LD: SlapShotJoe.
RD: Stamkos.
G: Vandoos.
Strength: offense. Another dynamic offensive team, Rich and Stamkos can alternate between C and RD depending how each are doing and provide great offensive support no matter what position they are in. With two high scoring wingers like Legendary and BroketheDam, this team will have no problems finding the back of the net in this series.
Weakness: goaltending. Sorry Vandoos! While Vandoos and Fivestar had respectable regular season numbers, both goalies have struggled in the playoffs in recent seasons (with the exception of Five’s season 30 SCF run). History may repeat itself as Vandoos and Fivestar may fall apart under the offensive pressure that the Blackhawks will apply.
Recipe for Success: team defense. Against an offensive juggernaut like this Chicago team, this team will need to play safe and passive and take advantage of the mistakes that Chicago may make as they try to generate offensive opportunities. They’ll need to utilize their speed and catch the Blackhawks off guard if they want to win games and move within eight wins of the Stanley Cup.
Prediction: Blackhawks in 5.
Pete paid me to say this. I also think this team is gonna win the Cup. Who knows?
I forgot how long these things take, jesus. It’s 1:30 in the morning and I’m tired but I am genuinely looking forward to this postseason. It will feel weird not playing in it but I wish nothing but the best to all teams involved and I’m looking forward to some good playoff hockey.
These next three weeks will separate the cream from the crop, the wheat from the chaff, the contenders from the pretenders, and any other separation cliche you want to use. Bust your ass, bring all you’ve got to every game, and maybe you and your team will leave with some bragging rights and a little bit of virtual hockey glory.
I wish everybody the best of luck, and might even do this again next week!
-DD.

SPNHL, Season 33: Week Two Power Rankings
By: Dirty-Dietrich.
So it seems like Entry and I are going to take turns doing articles. We’ll bring you the players of the week and the power rankings on alternating weeks. WE HAVE LIVES, YOU KNOW.
(I’m just a lazy fuck and he’s a big UFC fan)
As we look at the standings two weeks into the season, our preseason projections are not showing too much validity. Teams that we projected to finish at the top of the standings are sitting at the bottom with less than 10 points in 18 games, while a team we projected to be basement dwellers are pacing their conference. This game is unpredictable and the personalities are explosive, so you never know what will happen.
Two weeks can say a lot about a team: teams can dominate and only lose in regulation once over 18 games (what up Van City), teams can have a very poor first week and end the second week on a 6 game win streak (the Preds are on the prowl), or teams can conversely average 4.5 points a week and score less than 2.25 goals per game (sorry Beantown). Generating momentum in the first half is crucial, and can derail your entire season if you can’t do so.
So, let’s take a look at the standings after two weeks of play. We’ll look at the trajectory of teams, their MVP after two weeks, and if needed, suggest any moves that need to be made. Meh, who am I to make recommendations, I’m only a Stanley cup winning and President’s Trophy winning GM, right? In all seriousness, this should be a very competitive season, so let’s start by taking a look at the Eastern Conference, and a team that is defying everyone’s expectations.
EASTERN CONFERENCE
1. Pittsburgh Penguins.
Points: 27.
Last 10: 8-1-1. (Won 1)
MVP: MrBean.
At the beginning of this season, we said this team would be decent but wouldn’t be special, and boy were we wrong. Pittsburgh bested their first week point total of 12 by getting 15 points in a 7-1-1 week. Their numbers are decent, as they are 2nd and 3rd in most categories and winning those close games. MrByng/Bean is fourth in the league for points with 25 goals (2nd) and 20 assists (5th), and is leading the offensive charge for this team. Pliskin has been holding down the fort in net, and while Pistol was their best defender, moving him to Chicago for Exe and Francey may pay off, or may be their demise.
2. Detroit Red Wings
Points: 26.
Last 10: 6-4-0. (Won 3)
MVP: LeCupidon.
The Red Wings are like, one of the only teams that are in the position we projected them to be in. They have an incredibly strong team who have a chance to climb to the top of the standings with their explosive offense (their 72 goals lead the league) and have a core of strong defenders. Reap’s resigning of Cupidon has paid off in spades as he leads the league with 32 assists and is third in points playing on a line with Reap and GP. I see no weaknesses in this team, and see them being a favourite to win the cup after picking up a solid goalie in Chadkillz.
3. West Carolina Hurricanes (Get it? Like North and South but…)
Points: 24.
Last 10: 6-4-0. (Lost 2)
MVP: Bidou.
Well, maybe we weren’t so wrong after all! The Hurricanes are in third in a stacked conference and have already made big moves to strengthen their team with the acquisition of former cup winning GM SliyumShady. Their defense has had a rotation of different defenders with the exception of Uber, but their second in the league ranked offense has been one solid duo of Kred and their MVP Bidou, who leads the league in goals with 26 and is shooting at an insane 61.9%. By acquiring BK, their West top line is complete and if they can solidify RD, have a legit chance of winning the cup this season.
4. New York Rangers.
Points: 21.
Last 10: 6-3-1. (Won 2)
MVP: Deathclown.
Actually, we’re not doing too bad! The Rangers are doing a little better than last season, and found themselves in the middle of a tight eastern conference, but sit comfortably ahead of the other two teams in this conference. Their first overall pick is not living up to expectations (sorry Deon), but the Rangers are seeing contributions from all members of their team, including their captain DeathClown who has scored 24 of their 59 goals. Clown needs somebody else to help him dominate the offense, and the Rangers have numerous solid players that they could package for another dynamic forward.
5. Boston Bruins.
Points: 9.
Last 10: 3-4-3. (Lost 1).
MVP: Stonerboy.
PoolMagician’s first season as a GM has been a very tough one, as we foretold it to be, but he has made some great moves to give Boston a chance to move up within the standings. They need to start scoring goals, as their 40 goals for sit at the bottom of the league. Having top talents like Barzy, Fluri, and their MVP Stoner (who is leading their team with 18 points, but his 1.8 PPG is a far cry from last season’s numbers) should be enough to kickstart their offense, and picking up Shadow to play net (who is also having a lackluster season) solidifies a top 6 who can help this team rise from the ashes.
6. Washington Capitals.
Points 7.
Last 10: 1-8-1. (Lost 4).
MVP: Fuck, IDK, Koz? Nah, let’s go with Frank.
The Capitals took a hit very early on as they lost Jmarz to some family issues within the first two days. Then, the availability bug bit, as one of their top forwards has only played 8 out of 18 games. Then, they have been a victim of poor goaltending (well done, Shadow <3) as they pace the league with 85 goals against. Stiivii and Ransom have played well at both ends of the ice (and in net), while Frank has lead the team with 15 assists as the one constant at forward. If they can get all their top players available on a more consistent basis, the Capitals can turn things around and it won’t be hard.
WESTERN CONFERENCE
1. Vancouver Canucks?
Points: 30.
Last 10: 7-1-2.
MVP: Triix for pulling off the Chad trade, fuck me.
Now, we thought we were gonna suck at the beginning of the season, as we played like shit in warmies. HOWEVER, we’re first in the league! A good team defense structure has allowed us to allow just over 2 goals against per game (fewest against in the league), while we’re averaging just under 3.5 goals a game. Entry, Red, Beaster, Marc (who has been lights out since we acquired him from Minnesota), and Triix, who leads the team 19 goals and 18 assists, have all been excellent for us. Now, it’s about maintaining the momentum we’ve built up and keeping our spot at the top.
2. Nashville Predators.
Points: 22.
Last 10: 9-1-0. (Won 6)
MVP: Stamkos.
Nashville is treading the water that Entry predicted them to be in, as they turned things around from a disastrous first week to win 9 of their last 10 and are riding a 6 game win streak. Their numbers aren’t too impressive, as they have allowed the most goals in the conference with 60, but the games that they are winning have been incredibly competitive and not blowouts by any means. Stamkos has played every game for the Preds and while Legendary leads the team in goals, Stammer’s 19 assists have him a part of more than a third of his team’s goals. If the Preds can improve their defense and goaltending (which they did by picking up Rich), they can be a legit contender.
3. Los Angeles Kings.
Points: 19.
Last 10: 3-5-2. (Lost 2)
MVP: Ages.
Los Angeles is a very defensive team, as they will block damn near every shot that you throw on net. It works for them though, as a lot of people thought this team would be near the bottom of the league but they find themselves with the 4th fewest goals against in the league (40), while also having the 2nd fewest goals for (43). MG leads the team in points, while Ages (AgedEmbryo/AgesQuod) leads the team with 16 assists and has contributed a bit more on the offensive side. If he played a bit more, L.A. would score a little bit more and will likely stay a playoff team.
4. Chicago Blackhawks.
Points: 18.
Last 10: 4-4-2 (Lost 1 in OT).
MVP: Grammy (miss you <3).
Chicago is underperforming significantly but still finds themselves in a playoff spot, but recently made a big trade by sending Exe and Francey to Pittsburgh for JMM, Rowan, and PistolPete. This move acquired a solid left wing to play on that top line in JMM, and acquired the leading scorer on defense to play with Eskimo. Yesse leads the team in assists, while Grammy leads the team in goals with 18 and in points with 34. With the new additions to the team, I expect the Hawks to ascend the ranks of this conference and get themselves in good position for a playoff run.
5. Vegas Golden Knights.
Points: 17.
Last 10: 3-7-0 (Lost 3).
MVP: Lil’ PP (Premier).
Speaking of underperforming, the Golden Knights are not following up last year’s cup victory with the strongest of seasons, but have faced many obstacles within their first two weeks. The Knights aren’t giving up many goals, as they are tied for second in the league in goals against, but aren’t scoring many either, as their 46 goals are the fourth lowest. Premier has over a third of the Knights’ goals with 17 to go with 17 assists, but will need more significant contributions from Prodigy, Fox, Shayne, and more if he wants to win not only the Calder trophy, but the Stanley Cup trophy.
6. Minnesota Wild.
Points: 14.
Last 10: 3-6-1. (Won 1)
MVP: Trout (maybe I picked all my faves, fuck it).
Well, this has been a fun season, eh Vinny? After starting out with one of the stronger teams in the conference, Minnesota fell apart through some trades that didn’t work out, some players tending to family stuff, and just overall bad luck. While all is not lost for the WIld, they’ve been struggling in the Western Conference but have made moves to give themselves a competitive roster with Aali, Extendo, and their MVP Trout, who has 8 goals and 14 assists on an offensively challenged team. Will Minnesota turn it around? Time will tell, and they better or I think Marvin might go postal.
Well, we were closer with our Eastern conference predictions, but we weren’t horribly wrong with our West predictions. However, we’re only two weeks into the season and anything can happen. Who knows? Maybe Detroit will crumble and fall out of the playoffs, and maybe Vancouver will sink to the basement where we belong while Vegas will reclaim the throne of the Western conference. This is all just hypothetical, but you never know when a hypothesis will turn into reality.
Not too sure if Off the Ice is happening this weekend (I’ll be cottage bound!), but Entry will likely be following up next week with a Players of the Week article! If you tip him a but of money, he might put your name in the article. However, if you play lights out and just fucking go off next week, Entry will have no choice but to put you into the article. Okay? Okay.
Have a great week, everyone, and we’ll see you on the ice!
-DD.

Week 1 – Complete. After a competitive and FAIRLY smooth week 1 of season 33, there are already some players catching fire heading into the second week. For players of the week, we’ll be selecting a forward, defenseman, and goalie along with honorable mentions that are playing to their best of their ability week by week.
Here are your Week 1 Players of the Week:
FIRST STAR(s) – Xx96_BiDoU_96xX and Kred_14, LW and RW, Hurricanes
Bidou: 9 GP / 21 G / 8 A / 29 PTS / 3.2 PPG
Kred: 9 GP / 14 G / 14 A / 28 PTS / 3.1 PPG
1st and 2nd round picks and linemates, Bidou and Kred, killed it together in week 1 for Carolina. I decided to give them both the first star of the week because, taking no credit away from them, they were able to produce at the rate they did while only having AAli for 1 game. Leading their team to a 6-1-2 record on the week, they have 35/39 goals scored by the Canes. On top of scoring a bunch, they both sit 2nd and 3rd in takeaways for forwards as well, so it seems they’re playing both ends of the ice well. Safe to say, when Ali begins playing consistently, the Canes’ offense will be even better. I expect Kred and Bidou to keep this production rate up, and as predicted, Carolina will continue to be a top team.
Honorable Mentions(forwards):
Reapz2313 (DET) 8 GP / 12 G / 13 A / 25 PTS / 3.1 PPG
Gods3_3plan1 (DET) 8 GP / 17 G / 10 A / 27 PTS / 3.4 PPG
LeCupidon (DET) 5 GP / 3 G / 18 A / 21 PTS / 4.2 PPG
Iam_mrbean (PIT) 8 GP / 14 G / 13 A / 27 PTS / 3.4 PPG
Visibility12 (PIT) 6 GP / 9 G / 9 A / 18 PTS / 3 PPG
SECOND STAR – The_Real_Pistol, LD, Penguins
8 GP / 15 PTS / +4 / 56 GVs / 22 TKs
Let’s be honest here, to the surprise of many(including myself), the Pens started the season with a 6-3 record, tied for 2nd in the East. Sitting in second in goals scored as well, their starting Left Defenseman and 3rd round selection in the draft, The_Real_Pistol has been excellent so far. Playing 8/9 games for the Pens this week, Pistol is sitting at an impressive 15 points and a 1.9 PPG, having 3 goals and 12 assists. While being the most offensively productive D man, he also has the most takeaways(and giveaways). On top of HIS strong play for the Pens in week 1, his teammate Iam_mrbean(as noted later in the article) is also sitting pretty, tied for 3rd in points for forwards, so expect him and Pistol to continue shining and propelling this Penguins team week by week. However, one thing to note…. while Pittsburgh is tied for second in goals SCORED, they’re also tied for second in goals AGAINST in the East.
Honorable Mentions(defenseman):
Uberpwned_6969 (CAR) 7 GP / 8 PTS / +10 / 53 GVs / 14 TKs
X13arzy (DET) 5 GP / 8 PTS / +6 / 54 GVs / 12 TKs
Jamie14benn14 (LA) 7 GP / 5 PTS / +5 / 35 GVs / 18 TKs
Foxpresentation (VGK) 6 GP / 3 PTS / +8 / 23 GVs / 18 TKs
Notorious250 (NYR) 5 GP / 2 PTS / -3 / 14 GVs / 19 TKs
THIRD STAR – SA_Pliskin, G, Penguins
5-2 / 117 shots faced / 78 sv% / 3.86 GAA
Some will disagree with this decision, but I chose Plisk as the goalie of the week. Yes, I could easily pick someone like SliyumShady who has a 85 sv% and 1.67 GAA. However, Plisk is facing 16+ shots per game, while still maintaining a high save %, while leading his team to a 6-3 week, winning 5 of those games. On paper, the stats aren’t the prettiest, but I’m sure even some of the Pens would admit he stood on his head this week. The 2 losses on his record came to the Rangers and Red Wings, facing 23 and 18 shots, allowing 14 goals in those games(68 sv%). Outside of those weaker games, he allowed 13 goals on 76 shots, which amounts to a 83 sv%. All around solid job between the pipes for the boss man and the Pens this week, let’s see if they can continue doing it.
Honorable Mentions(goalie):
CartmanMJ (DET) 6-2 / 74 shots faced / 74 sv% / 2.38 GAA
SliyumShady (CAR) 6-0 / 67 shots faced / 85 sv% / 1.67 GAA
SukMyChinesePeen (CHI) 5-2 / 95 shots faced / 79 sv% / 2.86 GAA
cgiroux11 (LA) 2-3 / 52 shots faced / 83 sv% / 2 GAA
SgtVandoos (NSH) 3-5 / 127 shots faced / 75 sv% / 4 GAA

SPNHL, Season 33: Season Preview
By: Daddy_Entry and Dirty-Dietrich.
The dust has settled on the draft for the thirty-third season of the SPNHL, and amidst a series of questionable decisions, we have twelve teams formed (we’ll get to those in a bit). With a bevy of new and rookie GMs, the draft can be quite intimidating for some, but most handled it quite well and built seemingly competitive teams. However, a successful draft is only a small step towards championship glory.
While the rosters may look nice and competitive from afar, it won’t take long for there to be some player movement. Teams have salary cap issues (Vancouver is in a financial crisis), some with a position surplus (half of Nashville’s team is right side defenders), and there will always be chemistry issues and egos running about. Will we see teams dismantle seemingly talented rosters within the first few weeks? Or will we have one of the more competitive SPNHL seasons in recent memory?
Your favorite Canucks Entry (fuck the Bruins BTW) and I took a look at the rosters, predicted some starting lineups, and projected where certain teams will finish. It’s a nice break from us playing club together and shitting the bed, where only Monokuuu could carry us to victory. Back to the topic at the hand, I’ll be covering the Eastern Conference while Entry will be covering the Western Conference. We’ll probably add some notes talking shit and put a heavy bias on Vancouver. Let’s go!
EASTERN CONFERENCE
Boston Bruins
GM: ThePoolMagician
Projected Starting Line:
LW: Pool
C: Fluri
RW: Rich2K8
LD: CaptainCanada
RD: ChiefTrout
G: Rancher
Projected Finish: 6th in the East.
PoolMagician is coming off the heels of a Stanley Cup Finals berth, and has built a very balanced team in his rookie season as a GM. I know Rich very well, and his finishing ability is going to mesh very well with Fluri’s playmaking ability for a strong top line. Trout and CapCan are solid defenders who will play very well in front of Rancher (one of the best playoff goalies in the league IMO). Outside of their top six, they have some good depth options in Turdburgler in net, while Nutty, Monokuuu, and Bufford are talented at both ends. However, with the Eastern conference being stacked this season, it will be very tough for a team that doesn’t really shine at any position to make the playoffs. Unfortunately this team doesn’t shine, and I see them (albeit respectfully) finishing at the bottom of the conference.
Carolina Hurricanes
GM: Uberpwned
Projected Starting Line:
LW: Bidou
C: AAli
RW: Kred_14
LD: Uber
RD: Shayne
G: Dafoumanchew
Projected Finish: 3rd in the East.
Speaking of players fresh off a Finals berth, Uber packed his bags and moved from Tampa to Carolina, and brought back some familiar faces in the process. Dafoumanchew returns after a fantastic bounce-back season in between the pipes and the Hurricanes’ back end is completed with Shayne as Uber’s defensive partner. However, this team will excel offensively as AAli will be flanked by Bidou and Kred for what will be an explosive top line. With backup forward options in Smokeshowjoe (SlapShotJoe, ShitshowJoe, etc.) and Sandy, the Hurricanes’ boast a solid offensive core, while their second defensive pair of Teamrun and Steelersfan are no slouches either. This team would thrive normally, but I expect them to finish third in the highly competitive Eastern Conference.
Detroit Red Wings
GM: Reapz (still don’t like the Z, no offense <3)
Projected Starting Line:
LW: LeCupidon
C: Faaa_Keue (u12bme)
RW: Reapz
LD: Gods_Plan (fuck you Adam)
RD: SmiiRk
G: Cartman
Projected Finish: 2nd in the East.
After the Hyper fiasco last season, Reapz shed the Winnipeg skin and moved east to Detroit and put together one of his best drafts in recent memory. He already started strong with Gods and Cupidon, but he filled out a top 6 with u1, SMiiRK, and the rookie backstopper in Cartman. (Entry edit: Cartman is my cousin and I love him, but if there’s going to be one thing that costs the Wings games, it could quite possibly be the goaltending. He could also steal them games though, so stay tuned) Detroit has arguably the best defense in the league, as U1 has proven a very capable defender while having Barzy as a backup to an elite starting duo. Barzy and Gods are also very talented forwards, and will be effective no matter where they play on the ice. Izzet is another rookie who is a backup left defender, while other backup options include Shroom-Souljah in net and hockeygirl at the wing, who can provide solid goal support. Overall, the depth that this team possesses compliments one of the best top 6’s in the league, and may lead Reapz back to the promised land as they will likely finish 2nd in the East.
New York Rangers
GM: Scalz_Yanks
Projected Starting Line:
LW: Deathclown
C: Deon/Nehxc/Defenstrate (fuck, pick a name)
RW: Shepard
LD: Scalz
RD: Notorious
G: Ciulla
Projected Finish: 4th in the East.
After a disastrous season plagued by availability issues and egos, Scalz has returned with a vengeance. With the first overall pick, Scalz selected the Conn Smythe winner in Deon, and proceeded to build around the dynamic duo of the Clown and the Cohen. With a couple solid options at RW, they can fill that top line with either Shepard or Neeposh, the quiet stud of the SPNHL. Scalz may slot over to play LD as they picked Notorious to play the right side, in which some criticized as coming too early while having many better options on the board. But who am I to talk shit? They picked up one of the top 3 goalies in the league in Ciulla to backstop them, while backing him up with IceyAsylum. With Deadant as a backup defender and steel as a solid backup forward, the Rangers have some decent depth, but the two stars of this team will shine bright and along with Ciulla’s goaltending, carry this team into the fourth playoff spot.
Pittsburgh Penguins
GM: Lomax
Projected Starting Line:
LW: MrBean
C: ServnSpike
RW: Lomax
LD: PistolPete
RD: Gohawks
G: Pliskin
Projected Finish: 5th in the East.
After a playoff berth last season, Pittsburgh is under new management as SPNHL OG Lomax returns to the league to take the reigns. Along with Pliskin, Lomax drafted a team that has some solid top line forwards in MrBean, JMM, and Lomax, as well as a solid defensive core in Petey, ServnSpike, and Gohawks. However, ServnSpike’s versatility will likely see him playing C, and having Visibility serve (get it?) as his backup. Kopitar can play C as well, so Serv may end up playing more RD than we expect. With Rowan serving as the backup to Pliskin, the Penguins are very capable in net. However, much like Boston, they face the issue of being a balanced team that doesn’t shine in a stacked conference. Expect the Penguins to finish just outside of the playoffs in spot #5.
Washington Capitals
GM: Kozmo
Projected Starting Line:
LW: Ransom
C: Jmarz
RW: Mclub
LD: Snake
RD: Stiivii
G: Shadow
Projected Finish: 1st in the East.
Fuck me do these guys look good. Kozmo pulled the old Jayscott and resigned Ransom and Stiivii, giving him an excellent start to the season. Washington then drafted Mclub and Jmarz to build that top line, while drafting Snake and Shadow to solidify the back end of their ice. This is the best top 6 in the league this season (in my opinion) and is going to be incredibly difficult to beat. With Extendo and FrankPompei as backup forwards, Washington’s depth chart is incredibly strong, while Kwhiss is a solid backup defender and everybody’s favorite MINORTHREAT will play a good utility role for the Caps. Overall, this is the strongest team in a stacked Eastern Conference, and you should be expecting big things out of them if Shadow can maintain the success he’s had between the pipes in recent seasons. Kozmo didn’t pay me to write this stuff, but a tip would be nice…
WESTERN CONFERENCE
Chicago Blackhawks
GM: Yesse
Projected Starting Line:
LW: Cornect
C: Yesse
RW: GrammyHands
LD: Executioner
RD: Eskimo
G: SukMyChinesePeen (Francey)
Projected Finish: First in the West.
The newly appointed GM of the Hawks, Jesse, is looking to capture Lord Stanley in our last season of SP for NHL 19 (thank god). With that in sight, he’s done pretty damn well preparing to attempt that goal. Prior to the draft, Jesse traded Gui for GrammyHands, then traded his 1st, 2nd and 3rd round picks for a couple 2nd rounders and a 3rd. It was clear that he had a plan heading into the draft, and he executed very well. Drafting Cornect and Executioner with those two 2nd round picks locked in a forward that, in my opinion, can and will drop A LOT of points if he plays at least 6 games, which I expect, and a solid proven Defenseman who has been around for a long time. With his remaining (kinda) early picks, he selected Francey for goalie, and my boy iEskimo, who can fit in with most and play any style needed, which will benefit this already great roster. With his starting 6 all locked in, he did a solid job grabbing his depth guys, all while keeping a bit of cap. Arrowhunter, Wheelchairdevon, TheMooCowTit, and PureMicro will play the role of backing up the starters for the Hawks. Ultimately, I expect this team to finish somewhere close to the top of the West. Great job building your team Jesse.
Los Angeles Kings
GM: PghFANATIC
Projected Starting Line:
LW: AgedEmbryo
C: FleshEatingAlien
RW: MG2452
LD: Jamie
RD: Dominus-Sage (this name is awful, go back to Dominando)
G: cgiroux
Projected Finish: Fourth in the West.
Catching a lot of slack after being selected to be a GM this season, PghFANATIC ignored all the hating people and honestly put together a pretty solid team. Resigning JamieBenn, he already had one of the most important pieces out of the way before the draft. With some surprise, the Kings selected cgiroux in the very 1st round. Taking no credit from Giroux, Pgh and Jamie must’ve had a clear plan for their draft, as goalies like Ciulla and Redconcept were still on the board at the time he was selected. After their ever important 1st round selection, LA drafted AgedEmbryo, Dominando, and MG to fill out their starting lineup. FleshEatingAlien, who I think is their best C, could quite possibly be one of the steals of the draft (they drafted him in round 8). Doing as surprisingly well as Pgh did, I don’t expect the Kings to be as bad as most expect them to be. I don’t expect anything spectacular, and I can’t say I plan on seeing them in a playoff spot, but shit, maybe there’s potential sleeper alert in LA. Stay tuned!
Minnesota Wild
GM: YuhYuhYuhYuhYuhMarv or whatever the fuck your name is now
Projected Starting Line:
LW: the beauty Gui
C: Oriole
RW: BK_0994 (fuck west connection)
LD: KC-44
G: YuhYuhChode (DD edit: this is excellent)
Projected Finish: Fifth in the West.
I’m going to be nice in the article portion here and refer to the Minnesota GM as Peacekeeper. After resigning and trading Gui, Peace traded for Gui BACK again (don’t even ask). Nonetheless, great decision, just confusing. With all that being done and out of the way, Peace THEN traded the 5th overall and a 2nd rounder for the 2nd overall, where he selected BK. At the cost, BK and Gui better tear up the league on forward together. If they don’t, Peacekeeper might regret giving up a 2nd round pick to move up. Besides that high risk potential high reward move, the rest of Minny’s draft was decent. Drafting Oriolerules in the late 2nd round, that solidified the already nasty starting forward line for Peacekeeper’s squad(I won’t say anything about Oriole, because if I say something Peace doesn’t like he’ll cry like a baby). Outside of the great forward line he built, I see a lot of potential for inconsistency and weaker play from the back end of this team. Players like NowYoDead, ultimategamer940, and KC-44 aren’t awful by any means, but I don’t expect greatness out of them. Prove me wrong boys. Outside of the standouts for Minny, depth players like Sandman, RaptorsFanEhh, Capone(oof), Trivium, and BigNasty_Daryl will hold their own and do their job. I want to say this team will be in the playoff hunt, but I can’t help but label them as a hit or miss at first sight. Unless Marc(Gui) and BK go off every game, this team might struggle in defensive battles.
Nashville Predators
GM: At Ezz
Projected Starting Line:
LW: Legendary
C: Stamkos
RW: Ezz
LD: Knees/Xibrokethedam or some shit (he has like 80 accounts)
RD: ACK-stonerboy
G: Vandoos
Projected Finish: Second in the West.
Well well well, a great GM has returned. Ezz is back, and he showed it right away, drafting a great team. This team he drafted would win every single SP cup if we were 5-6 years in the past. However, that’s not the case. With that being said, he still built a very good team. With his 1st round pick, he drafted ACK-stonerboy, who many think will be playing forward. I would agree with all the people saying that, if it wasn’t for the pick made just 2 picks after him. 2 picks after Stonerboy, Ezz went on to select the OG Stamkos, who is a solid player still. Many say Stamkos and Stoner have beef, we’ll have to see how that goes. As painful as this is to say, Ezz seems to get the best out of whoever he has on his team, so if he can control them, they’ll do great together. With their 2nd round pick, the Preds drafted Xibrokethedam aka Knees, who is a great player if you can get him to consistently show up. If there was 1 guy who could fully benefit from a Knees selection, it’s Ezz. Outside of the starting 6 (which I quite possibly could have completely butchered), the depth on this team is excellent as well. That excellent depth consists of longtime veterans Jayscott, Fivestarcoock, and Appler. CastroNY and aronaconda fill out the Preds’ roster; surrounded by the talent they have around them, I expect them to be perfectly fine. Expect Ezz to carry Vandoos to the playoffs(finally), and I can possibly see this team making something happen strictly because the depth they have. Everyone can expect Ezz to do Ezz things this season.
Vancouver Canucks
GM: Diirty_Triix
Starting Line: (I know the real one)
LW: Entry
C: Triix
RW: Dirty-Dietrich (fuck you)
LD: Beaster
RD: Redconcept
G: Chadkillz
Projected Finish: Not answering. Both writers are Canucks’ players.
Even though I play on this team, I’m by NO means going to be biased and suck us off. I’m going to do the opposite, hoping it lights a fire under our asses. I know the season has yet to start, but since clubbing together and scrimming other teams, the Nucks have looked really bad. Now to review the team itself, Triix resigned me, which I’m thankful for. After that happened, I assumed I would have some say in our draft. I was partially right, partially wrong. With our first round pick, we went out and drafted who most label as the best goalie in SP, chadkillz. I loved this pick, because right away we have top 5 players at Center, Defense, and Goalie. However, after the 1st round I’m quite confused with where Triix went with the drafting. Redconcept is a great guy, and a solid goalie/defenseman, but our round 3 selection makes my opinion the way it is. Triix was completely sold on getting Beaster, which is totally fine. But that then put us in a little cap trouble, plus having Beaster and myself already as options for LD, we don’t really need Redconcept for much more than a backup goalie position. However, Triix has his own plans, and I respect them and will show up to play my games and shut my whore mouth. Wish us luck!
Vegas Golden Knights
GM: FiVEpointOHHH
Projected Starting Line:
LW: Prodigy
C: PremierPlayer
RW: Cbthomas
LD: Foxpresentation
RD: Freefall
G: Sportsgeek5
Projected Finish: Third in the West.
The defending Cup champs are coming back for more. Vegas returns and they are looking to defend what is theirs. they have built a very strong case to make another run for a title. Resigning Prodigy was a great move, then on top of this high quality resign, they traded their 1st and 2nd round picks to get the 4th overall pick in the draft. With that pick came Foxpresentation, one of the best D men in the league. Not having a pick until the late 3rd round, they made the best of their pick, taking rookie forward PremierPlayer. Following the pick of his projected starting Center, they drafted Cbthomas, who is a very good winger. Filling their starting lineup will be FreeFall, who is proven in this league on both forward and defense. With their starters all locked in, they grabbed some quality depth players DJFreeze, OduyaLikeThat, BowDownFB, and Sportsgeek. This team will be back in the playoffs for sure, and honestly might have a chance to go back to back. Well done Vegas, good luck this season.
As the season begins on Monday, June 10th, there are many things to expect and many obstacles to overcome. We mentioned them earlier, but a good start to the season can negate all those issues. Some GMs build good teams with trades halfway through the season, but my advice to not only GMs, but to players is this: keep your cool. You may not like your teammates on the first night, whether it be on or off the ice. Communicate with them, develop a strategy, and get ready for 6 weeks of hell.
Speaking of Off The Ice, I may not be there for this week’s iteration of it, but make sure to tune in this Saturday night or whenever the fuck Kozmo, Reap, Pliskin, and more want to do it. They’ll be covering the first week of season 33, shit talking Kozmo for doing the smart thing and not playing, and so much more! You can also watch previous episodes at twitch.tv/thespnhl_media! I don’t need to tell you more. You know how to use the internet. Fuck off.
Good luck to all the teams this coming week as we kick off season 33 of the SPNHL! We’ll see you on the ice!
-Entry and DD.
(P.S. go Canucks or get fucked)

SPNHL, Season 33: Draft Preview.
By: Daddy_Entry & Dirty-Dietrich.
It’s about that time: the final SPNHL season of the current NHL title is upon us (thank fuck, I can’t wait for Frostbite), and it’s shaping up to be a spicy one. The Vegas Golden Knights returned to the finals in season 32 and in a shocking turn of events, swept the President’s Trophy winning Tampa Bay Lightning. The offensive prowess of Sudzy and eventual Conn Smythe winner Defenstrate/Cohen/Deon was too much for the Bolts, as Uber and co. got constant strokes of bad luck as they were dispatched in a highly competitive four games. Congratulations to SliyumShady, Sedinpower (that’s 7, holy shit man), and the rest of the Golden Knights on turning the season around.
These summer seasons are always exhausting, due to their extended lengths as teams will spend nearly 2 months competing for a playoff spot, and then an additional 3 weeks as they play for the richest prize in the Sony Playstation Hockey League: the Stanley Cup. This is no easy feat, as endurance and stamina plays a key part in team performance as we progress deeper into the season. Last summer season saw the President’s Trophy winner knocked out in the first round and the Avalanche dynasty win the second of their three consecutive cups. Will we see a new dynasty emerge this season? Eh Sliyum? Maybe we’re getting ahead of ourselves here.
This article is about the draft taking place tonight/tomorrow (this all depends on when Pliskin decides to post it, the draft is June 4th). First off, congrats to all the new GMs this season: At_ezzz, PoolMagician, Lomax, PghFANATIC, and Yesse. Lomax and Ezz have been GMs before, but the other three are on their maiden SP management voyages. Best of luck with management this season, and maybe pick up some Just for Men hair dye to cover up the grey that managing will give you (trust us, we’ve been there). Now, let’s get straight to team draft previews and transactions, starting with Entry covering the Eastern Conference!
EASTERN CONFERENCE
(by Entry)
Boston Bruins.
GM: ThePoolMagician
New GM, ThePoolMagician wasted no time in making his presence known in trade talks. Right out of the gate, Pool decided to resign and trade GrammyHands along with a 3rd round pick to Pittsburgh for the 6th overall pick in the draft. Now holding the 6th and 9th overall picks in the first round, there’s a lot of things that he could do here. Personally, if I were him, I would be looking at a Dman and a top Center right away in the first round. Players he needs to be looking for at 6 and 9 are players like Foxpresentation, SMiiRK-_-, Nehxc, Stamkos, and ACK-stonerboy. Considering he no longer has his 3rd round pick, I would definitely expect a goalie to be selected by the Bruins in the 2nd round. Obviously one would hope to see Chadkillz or Redconcept on the board still at this pick, but things don’t always play out how we want them to. With that being said, if Pool doesn’t have the option of Chad or Red, he should be perfectly satisfied with the selection of Ciulla or Giroux. I’m going to be a negative nancy and predict that this team misses playoffs, HOWEVER, if Pool takes full advantage of the early picks he has(which I honestly don’t expect him to), I can see this team potentially being a surprise to the league. We shall see.. Best of luck this season ThePoolMagician!
New York Rangers.
GM: Scalz_yanks_24
Scalz made the obvious choice and resigned DeathClown to open things up. On top of having a great player already locked in entering the draft, he has the #1 overall pick in the draft. Knowing how DeathClown is and what he wants, I fully expect the #1 overall to be his partner in crime on the offensive side of things. However, considering the Rangers approached me prior to DiirtyTriix resigning me, I wouldn’t be surprised if they go for their stud defenseman with this pick. Names I would expect to see slotted into the top spot of the draft board are Foxpresentation, I9I-Stamkos-I1Ic or Nehxc. You could consider myself surprised if any other name pops up as #1. Either way, they have tons of high quality options to go with for the first pick of the draft, so it should be interesting to see how Scalz builds this team around DeathClown. This team ultimately could be a massive hit or a massive miss in my opinion. If Death can play his game, not be aids and realize he’s not the greatest player to touch the sticks, this team will succeed. He will bring up anyone who plays on a line with him, his attitude is just inconsistent for my liking. Prove me wrong though (; I predict this team to be another wildcard who might surprise some people, however, it won’t be easy in this competitive Eastern Conference.
Carolina Hurricanes
GM: Uberpwned_6969
Returning as GM, this time wearing one of our million red jerseys, is a proven player and GM, Uberpwned. Entering season 33, he decided to resign AAli-21, who many know is a smart decision, as Ali is a great player (with a great salary) in my opinion. Heading into the draft with 2 very important positions already occupied by great players is a massive relief, so safe to say Carolina will be confident on draft night. With the 11th overall pick, I see a forward to accompany AAli coming off the board. Names like BK, Bidou, and Nehxc come to mind when I think of players to play alongside Ali. A surprise pick I know Ali will be looking for is Kred_14. Don’t let him drop GMs. The main thing I’m curious to see if whether or not this team ends up as a west coast connection based team or not. Expecting Ali to be helping Uber out a lot with his drafting, I expect that to be the case. Either way, I expect Uber to have a great draft as usual and will build a solid team. Even if times happen to get rough for the Canes, they’ll figure it out and find themselves playing for the cup when the season ends.
Detroit Red Wings.
GM: Reapz2313
NO KidMoney in sight, how will Reap survive? Find out in the next episode!
All jokes aside, the Red Wings looked very good heading into the draft. Resigning LeCupidon is already a great start, but Reap wasn’t done there. He traded his 5th overall pick in the draft to Minnesota for Gods3_3plan1, who is apparently playing C this season, which I think is fitting because he doesn’t play defense while on LD anyways (DD edit: fuck you Adam). If this is what appears to be their main forward line, I expect it to produce at a high rate, maybe consistently. Not having a 1st round pick anymore, the Wings have to wait until the 18th pick in the draft, where I think they could quite possibly surprise people and grab the best forward available to play alongside Reap and LeCupidon. If that’s the case, they have a great chance to be a force. Say what you want about the guy, Reaper gets his team together and they grind NHL together and enjoy each other all season. If he gets the right group of people through the draft in Season 33, he could quite possibly find himself in the top 3 on the Eastern standings and playing for the cup when playoff time rolls around. I would 100% expect these guys to make playoffs at least, it would be a shame to see GodsPlan not playing in the playoffs. Stay tuned!
Pittsburgh Penguins
GM: Lo-Maximus
Lomax has Plisk on his team, he already won the cup. #Rigged. (DD edit: I tried this strategy. It didn’t work.)
On a real note, an OG is back and ready to go. Taking GM of the Pens, Lomax resigned the boss man to start things off. Sitting in his brand new office chair in his brand new office in Pittsburgh, Lo hopped on the phones and got a nice trade done, trading his 6th overall pick to Boston for GrammyHands and a 3rd rounder. GrammyHands and Lomax on forward together should be solid, and I expect that trade to work out well for Pittsburgh. Given the fact that he’s been away for a bit, if Lomax is smart(which I’m very confident he is), he should be talking to Grammy and Plisk prior to the draft for opinions on players and make sure them 3 are all on the same page going into the season. I see the offensive production being consistent from this team just from Lo and Grammy alone. With that being said, on top of Pliskin being in between the pipes(I would assume), if the Pens can find a good defensive core and a good 2 way Center to play in between Lomax and Grammy, I expect this team to be solid. I don’t imagine this team being a bottom feeder, but I’m also uncertain and hesitant to rate them as a likely playoff bound team. A major deciding factor for me will be how they execute in the draft. If they have a good draft, I do see a potential playoff trip for the guys in the Burgh. Best of luck and welcome back Lomax!
Washington Capitals
GM: Kozmo while not playing?
(DD edit: yeah this is a new thing. This happened a few seasons ago when Jayscott didn’t have time to play, so he resigned Stamkos and another clown from the Leafs who went to the finals the season prior. The whole thing went to shit and Peacekeeper ended up managing the team and won the Masterton trophy. I think Sedin did it in the past as well and won the cup. Fuckem. Fuck you Koz.)
I don’t like the fact that someone can be the GM of a team while not playing in the league, but that’s besides the point I guess. The Caps roster consists of Ransom and Stiivii going into the draft, so they already look good. On top of having 2 good players on the roster already, they also have the 3rd overall pick. Who knows what Kozmo or Ransom has planned, I almost expect 0.50 players to be taken with their top 2-3 picks for fuck sakes. If you ask me, they go with J_marz, SMiiRK or BK in the 1st round. Any of those 3 players boosts their play on both ends of the ice, and alongside Stiivii and Ransom, that’s a good recipe for success. They’ll probably draft a rookie goalie that gets 30+ wins. All jokes(kinda) aside, if everything stays together and running well, this team SHOULD be top 3(at least) in the East. But still, I can’t respect someone playing fantasy hockey via SPNHL. If you aren’t going to play, you shouldn’t be in the league in any way.
WESTERN CONFERENCE
(by DD)
Chicago Blackhawks.
GM: Yesse
Well, for a rookie GM, Jesse is making a big impact and making it quick. Jesse took over the Toronto reigns from Shadow and resigned Norris Trophy winning Gods_Plan (fuck you Adam) and traded him for an all-time SPNHL great in Go_marc/Gucci_gui/whatever he’s called this season. That duo will be a force upfront, and with the 7th pick in the first round, Yesse has three paths he can take: he could nab an elite goaltender like last season’s Vezina winner (he who shall not be named (it’s Chad), he could get a great puck moving defender like SmiiRk, or he could fill out that top line with a dangerous forward like Stamkos. Given Yesse’s skill and his knowledge (playing in 3 other leagues), I believe this will be a dangerous, offensively minded team.
Los Angeles Kings.
GM: PGHfanatic
PGH is a GM selection that caught a lot of people of guard, as he takes over the Kings from “The Scrub of SP” PistolPete after a successful season that saw them reach the Western Conference finals. In past seasons, PGH found himself on free agency and wasn’t touted as the best player, but sometimes the mediocre players can be the best GMs (look at me and my President’s Trophy and my Stanley Cup :D), and taking over a team can guarantee you ice-time. PGH resigned JamieBenn, and interesting choice as they both are registered for LD. However, Jamie is versatile and is a very good forward, but may stay at LD while PGH moves to RD. I see PGH taking a forward with the 10th pick in the first round in either PremierPlayer at C, the aforementioned PistolPete at the left wing, or the dynamic mclub at RW. This will be a tough first season for PGH as he picks late, but has the potential to be a rewarding one.
Minnesota Wild.
GM: Peacekeeper/Marvin (just change your name back already, you fucking goof)
Marvin finished just out of the playoff picture last season, with the playoff spot coming down to (literally) the final game of the season in an intense game against the Jets. With the loss still stinging, he packed his bags and moved to Minnesota and has already made some big moves. Having the fourth pick already, he resigned GoMarc and sent him to Chicago for Detroit’s first round pick, and then he traded up to the second overall pick while also trading down to the 12th pick. Chaos! I have it on good authority that he takes a top forward with his 2nd overall pick (I won’t out you, Marvin), and I assume he takes a very good all-around player in Oriolerules with his 12th pick. Maybe this season you’ll make the playoffs, Peace. <3 Nashville Predators. GM: At_ezzz It's very interesting not seeing Vandoos as a GM, as he's been one of the constants in SP since my entry into the league 7 seasons ago. However, he still won't be in the draft, as Ezzz took the doomed Edmonton squad and moved them to Nashville. The choice to resign Vandoos was questionable (sorry Vandoos, you don't have the best track record), but Ezzz and Vandoos are a duo with a plethora of experience in this league and will be looking to bring glory back to a long suffering SP franchise. Ezzz can play anywhere, so he may focus on D while Vandoos focuses on goaltending. With the fourth overall pick being acquired from Minnesota, the Predators have lots of great options at forward. Given the old-school SP build of this team, I see a couple options in Cornect at LW, or Trout or Stonerboy at RD (who will likely end up playing forward). Given their high placement in each round, (I say this season after god damn season) expect Vandoos to make his triumphant return to the playoffs, with ezzz being the man to make it happen. Vancouver Canucks. GM: Diirty_Triix Triix built a very solid team last season in Vancouver, with the trophy collector in Bstieboy leading the way. However, FishTheBitch no-showed and Vancouver got swept in four games by the eventual Stanley Cup champions. Triix is starting out strong this season, resigning the former Norris winner in Daddy_Entry (sounds like some sort of Oedipus complex) who is playing forward this season. Triix and Entry are incredibly capable at both ends of the ice, but they aren't goalies. You've got a few world-class goalies who could do better than POOPY BRUINS did last season, so expect Vancouver's 8th overall pick to be a goalie in either Giroux, Ciulla, or Redconcept. Expect a playoff appearance from Vancouver, and expect big things out of Entry (thanks for the $$$). Vegas Golden Knights. GM: SliyumShady SliyumShady finally captured his elusive Stanley Cup as a GM, bringing the cup back to Vegas for the first time since season 27. A member of that team, Prodigy is making his return to Vegas in what will be a dangerous pair to start with, but now they face an uphill battle. With the last pick in each round, Shady traded up in the draft to acquire the fourth pick from Minnesota at the cost of his second round pick. With the fourth pick, I see the Knights drafting a top-tier defender, and a few options jump off the page at me. They either go with FoxPresentation, GoHawks, or Jmarz, a rookie in this league but a stud in others. All three of these defenders have the potential to win the Norris, and Shady's brain would be dead weight (and he can't keep his head straight) if he didn't figure out which one of these defenders to take (E-MINE-EM). Will Vegas begin their dynasty? Or will the Knights fail to recreate the success of last season? As Entry said prior, this season is shaping up to be a spicy one! With almost half the GMs not managing last season, there will be a lot of work to do: you'll have to get players who know how this game is played (backwards skating and five hole shots), players that get along with eachother (players who don't come to you after each game saying player X is shit and they're done), you'll have to manage the egos (people who can't play because their new three's league needs them), make smart trades (FFS don't give Shayne for Bufford again), keep an eye on standings (if the Cup isn't an option, don't just tank. Grow a set of balls), and many other factors. However, the draft is where it starts. You can have a shitty draft and make a bunch of smart trades and win a cup (dear Sliyum), or you can build a solid team built of great players who contribute at both ends of the ice and get along off the ice (Season 31 Devils, hey babes). This is arguably the most stressful night of the season, but also one of the most fun. Relax, believe in yourself, and draft a solid team. Conversely, if you're a player, don't get a big head from your draft position and don't get pissed off because of it. Go out there and bust your ass, no matter who your GM is. Grammy said three words to me a few seasons ago, and now it's my mantra going into each season: "cup or bust". Let's see who does what. What I do know is that Kozmo, Sedinpower, probably Reap, Pliskin, other guests and I will be providing live coverage of the draft, bickering with eachother, getting easily distracted by stupid shit, and more! It's gonna be weird not having Kidmoney call in and sound like he's at gunpoint as he makes his picks. Regardless, join us tomorrow night at 7:45 PM EST on www.twitch.tv/thespnhl_media to hear how everything goes down! I want to say a big thank you to Entry for writing this article and allowing me to collaborate with him. He's a great player, a great dude, and I wish him nothing but success in this coming season. Vancouver is one of my early picks in the West and I'm eager to see how they do. (Entry edit: Likewise my friend. This was a blast to do, and I’m looking forward to doing media work together this season and for seasons to come. Best of luck this season) Also tell Triix to draft me pls. See you on the draft board! Aha! DD & Entry.

Its that time again folks, the only day we are all friends for 2 hours before becoming bitter enemies. Its draft time!
For all those not familiar with our drafting process, we offer a few ways to watch and keep track of the draft.  First thing first, the dradt will begin tomorrow (Tues) at 8pm est.  There are numerous ways to catch all the excitement, well until you are selected then who cares am i right?  anyway i digress.  there are three ways to keep tabs on the draft.  the first is visiting the place where it all takes place.  The Leagues Forum chat box located here (Click here)
Please note that this Forum requires an account to see the chat box.  the box can be found on the main page.  for Phone users be sure to switch it to desktop mode,  if your screen is white you are on the wrong setting.
The next place to see the events unfold is to review the Live Draft Board (Click Here)
here you can watch each pick as it is happening live.  this is only a mirror of the actual draft board so there will be a 15 sec delay if you are following along anywhere else..
Finally you can follow and subscribe to our Twitch media channel (Click Here) where we will be broadcasting a live show announcing and commenting on each pick as it happens.  So subscribe to catch our weekly show SPNHL Off The Ice”.    Good luck to everyone this season.

May 24 – Rookie showcase day 1
May 25 – Rookie showcase day 2
May 26 – Rookie showcase day 3
May 30 – GM selection. / Rookie showcase day 4
May 31 – Registration closure. / Rookie showcase day 5
June 1 – Team Selection / Rookie showcase day 6
June 2 – Resign date
June 4 – Season 33 Draft 8pm est.
June 10 – Season 33 kicks off.

SPNHL, Season 32: Stanley Cup Final Preview
By: Dirty-Dietrich.
* Cue Staind’s “It’s Been Awhile” (TBH that song is overplayed as fuck, their song “Mudshovel” has a killer bassline and takes the cake as their best track)*
You think after finishing school, you’d have a bit more consistency with delivering media content. FOOOOOK no!
After seven grueling weeks of the thirty second season of the SPNHL, we are down to our final seven games. Out of the twelve teams who were vying for the title of SPNHL Champions, there are two remaining: the Vegas Golden Knights and the Tampa Bay Lightning.
It’s a tale of two powerhouses: the President’s Trophy winner coming out of the Eastern Conference, and the pre-season favourites emanating out of the Western Conference. It’s a tale of two different team structures: Tampa Bay’s consistent core of offensive threats, while Vegas only has three of their original 8 players, making big trades all season to build their championship caliber team. They also followed a very similar playoff path, with a total of only three losses between the two teams to go with their 16 total wins.
These two teams are very talented offensively, they’re well built defensively, and they have exceptional goaltending. No matter what happens, we’re in for a highly competitive and incredibly entertaining series, but we should take a look at the journey that both of these teams have taken to get to this stage. Okay? Okay. You don’t get to choose anyway, just give your legs a shake so they don’t fall asleep as you read this on the shitter.
Tampa Bay Lightning
After a tremendous regular season that resulted in a President’s Trophy victory, the Lightning took the first seed in the Eastern Conference and were matched up with the Pittsburgh Penguins. It was a series where the explosive offense of the Bolts was matched up against the gritty, hard-working style of the Pens. After splitting the first two games and keeping the series relatively close, the Lightning won 3 in a row including a decisive 7-1 game 5 victory to seal the series and set the pace for their next round.
In that next round, Tampa Bay found themselves in a series against the defending champions, the New Jersey Devils, who disposed of the Toronto Maple Leafs in 5 games. The Lightning’s offensive talent was pitted against the tenacious defense of the Devils in what looked to be a fierce matchup. However, the Lightning’s ferocity overpowered the Devils and stifled their offense as they followed the exact same sequence as the Pittsburgh series. W-L-W-W-W.
Tampa Bay’s reign of terror through the Eastern Conference brings the franchise to the finals for the first time since season five. Uber and Stoner are returning to the finals for a second consecutive season, hoping to fare a bit better than their six game loss to the Devils. After defeating the ghosts of their past in the previous round, Stoner and Uber’s supporting caste of Ajax, Stamkos, Drew (Full Melt/Panini Boy), Legendary, Daf, and others look to keep the Cup in the Eastern Conference.
Vegas Golden Knights
The Vegas Golden Knights struggled in the first portion of the season, as they possessed a roster that had a significant lower level of talent in comparison to their present roster. After making some big trades to acquire Sudzy, Jason, and Francey, they solidified their top line and made a playoff push. They landed the third seed in the Western Conference and faced off against the incredibly dangerous Vancouver Canucks, in what many expected to be the must-see series of the first round. However, availability (fucking no shows, way to go Fish) was an issue for Vancouver and cost them the series, with the Knights decimating the Canucks in a 4 game series. GET THE BROOMS.
In the second round, the Knights were matched up against the Los Angeles Kings. The Western Conference Finals have a history of being predictable, with the past four finals featuring a heavily favoured Colorado Avalanche, and while the King of Colorado in Sedinpower migrated to Vegas to reach another Western Final, they were up against a dangerous Los Angeles squad that had the potential to reach the finals. After winning the first game, the Kings dropped four straight games to the Vegas squad, as they reached their second consecutive Stanley Cup Final.
Sliyumshady brings a new group to the Cup Finals, but an experienced one at that. Once he traded for the first overall pick and got Sedinpower, many people predicted that Vegas would win the cup. Getting Jason as a defensive partner for him bolstered their blueline, and while trades for Francey and Sudzy loaded their top line, their third round pick of Defenestrate/Cohen was the steal of the draft and gives the Knights an elite centre to cash in on their second consecutive attempt to win the cup.
Enough bullshit. Let’s break this series down.
STANLEY CUP FINAL: Vegas Golden Knights (West, 3rd Seed) vs. Tampa Bay Lightning (East, 1st Seed).
This is it, everybody. There is a big fight feel as we get prepared for what should be a fantastic series. It’s a battle of dynamic, game-breaking offenses, strong, frustrating defenses, and incredibly solid goaltending featuring a great comeback story. The level of competition that this series will feature will be unmatched up to this point this season. Let’s take a look at how these teams match up.
Offense
The Tampa Bay Lightning have been incredibly dominant in the offensive zone this season, being one of the top scoring teams in the regular season. Their offense hasn’t been as potent in this post-season, after averaging more than 4 goals in the regular season and averaging 3.3 this postseason. The Golden Knights are scoring at an otherworldly pace in these playoffs, scoring 47 goals in 9 games for an average of 5.2 goals a game. Tampa Bay has more weapons in their arsenal in Stoner, Stamkos, Legendary, and FullMelt, but they’re up against two elite scorers in Cohen and Sudzy, who have looked to be unstoppable this postseason. Francey is good support for Sudzy and Cohen, but the Lightning have a more complete attack.
Advantage: Lightning.
Defense.
Uberpwned has emerged as a top-tier defender, competing for the Norris trophy almost head-to-head with GodsPlan. His pairing with Ajax has proved to be one of the best offensive-defensive pairings in the league. However, the Vegas Golden Knights have Mr. SP himself in Sedinpower. Sedin’s partner was inconsistent until the Knights landed Jason from the Edmonton Oilers, and the two clicked to establish one of the strongest defensive pairings in the league. While Tampa’s pairing may have more chemistry, having played together for the full season, Vegas’s pairing has a Championship pedigree which will pay off in this series. Advantage: Vegas.
Goaltending.
Sliyumshady has been one of the premier goaltenders for the past three seasons, winning a Hart trophy over that span as well. He consistently boasts save percentages above 85% and some of the best GAA’s in each season. He nearly won the cup last season in net, so he’s looking to rectify that mistake over this week. On the other end of the ice, you have two goalies competing for the starting spot: Rancher, a former Conn Smythe and Vezina winner, and Dafoumanchew, who is having an excellent bounce back season. Daf has proved he is a top-tier goaltender, while Rancher is cementing his legacy of being one of the best postseason goaltenders with an insane 96.72% save percentage. It’s so hard to pick a winner between the two, so I’m gonna call it even. Fuckem! Advantage: audience.
It’s super tough to make a prediction in this series. Both of these teams are incredibly even, and there are some familiar faces making their second consecutive trips to the finals. There’s a lot of top players throughout the community in one series here, so we’re in for a treat. However, I feel that Tampa Bay has a bit of the offensive edge, and the defensive edge that Vegas holds may not be as strong. With that being said, I’m gonna predict it now: Tampa Bay in Seven. Fuck me, right?
Overall, this will be a fulfilling conclusion to a grueling two months of hockey. I’m genuinely excited to watch it so for the love of god, can somebody stream it? This will be seven games of pure (virtual) competition, and it’s gonna be some of the best we’ve seen all season. Highlight reel goals, big hits, clap dumps, desperation saves, one handed tucks, and much more will be seen over the course of this week.
Nothing confirmed right now, but the plan is for Reap, Koz, Plisk, and I to do some coverage of the final on SPNHL: Off the Ice! We’ll be doing commentary on the games, conducting interviews between games, bickering with each other, and making fun of Kozmo and his quest for the cup. Tune in Monday and Tuesday to twitch.tv/thespnhl_media and see if we are actually doing a show! (we’ll be going live at 8:30 Eastern each night if we are doing it).
Finally, good luck to both the Knights and the Lightning in these finals! It should be a hard fought series, so give everything you got and DON’T BE A C*NT AND NO SHOW!
See you all soon! <3 -DD.