SPNHL, Season 34: Week Three Review
By: Dirty-Dietrich.
Man, have you guys been to Boston Pizza lately? It’s fucking LIT. We went there for the Leafs game and the fights last night (we were there for six hours), and they got bottomless pop now so your fat ass stays quenched, this new pizza called the Triple Threat which is basically like a meat and cheese lovers pizza, and their cheesecake isn’t too bad either. Plus, no cover charge to watch Masvidal shut down Diaz? It’s PARADISE!
Week three of the SPNHL was not much different than the first two weeks: the Wings and Stars remained relatively dominant (we finally got a win over those big red bastards!), the Penguins and the Senators remained inconsistent (we won 6 out of our 9 games this week, while the Pens won 4 of their 9 games, fuckin’ shitters), the Knights and Flyers remained in the middle of the pack, and the Flames fucking sucked. But hey, at least good things are on the horizon for Calgary!
Ushkilledya had to step down because of personal issues, and we here at the SPNHL wish him all the best. While he stepped down, former GM El-Rookie has taken over the reigns and is trying to put out the fire (in the bad way) over in Calgary. The bottom three teams also include Nashville, who has been plagued by availability issues and bad attitudes, and Vancouver, who face a similar issue to Nashville in the lack of availability. With their stars showing up more often, they could catch fire (ha!).
Let’s see how our ten teams performed this past week!
1. Detroit Red Wings
Week Three Record: 7-2-0.
Trend: Upwards.
MVP: KAMAKAZ. Or LeCupidon. Probably the latter.
Kamakarry! The Red WIngs have one of the best goalies in the league and would lose even less games if they had him in net more consistently. The Wings have the most goals for and the second least goals against, and are getting stellar contributions in net from Kama while Freeze and Triix hold the line at D. Their top line has scored 35 or more goals each, while Cupidon has broken the century mark 23 games into the season with his 43 goals and 57 assists. But, as we discovered, HAVE ONE GUY RIDE HIS DICK ALL GAME AND YOU MAY WIN.
2. Dallas Stars.
Week Three Record: 9-0-0.
Trend: Upwards.
MVP: MVBEAN. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSUCC ME!
While the Red Wings are the powerhouse of the East, the Stars of the powerhouse of the West. Contrasting the Wings, they have the second most goals for and the fewest goals against. Their team is riding a 10 game winning streak, with contributions from all ends of the ice. Royal has more points at D than most players have at forward, while Chad is having another Vezina caliber season in net. MisterH, Grammy, Stonerboy, and Yesse are all averaging 3 or more points per game, while Bean is averaging over 5 per game and is the first player to break the 50 goal mark this season (51). The Stars are aligned, and they say victory!
3. Toronto Maple Leafs.
Week Three Record: 5-2-2.
Trend: Upwards.
MVP: I hate to say it, but Fishhure.
A big trade by the Leafs this week sent MG and Shepard to Vegas for NJ and Fishhure, in a move which many people thought would come back to haunt the Leafs. However, they shot up the standings with some great offensive contributions from their new acquisitions. Fluri and Lomax have found their offensive spark while new arrival NJ has found his groove with Gohawks in front of Vandoos. Fish has had such an impact on this team, and his 20 goals in 8 games is an outstanding number that will make this team tough to beat come playoff time.
4. Ottawa Senators.
Week Three Record: 6-3-0.
Trend: Upwards.
MVP: Truelegend.
Hey, we didn’t suck this week! The Senators bounced back from a disappointing 2-6 week to win two thirds of their games, scrapping it out and winning some close games against top teams (we took Pittsburgh to like 6OT and it was sweaty as fuck).
We stopped juggling the lines and started to develop chemistry, with JMM, Hughes, and I rotating between playing C and RW (usually decently), while True is carrying the team’s offensive production with 26 goals in 19 games. If Ciulla and Pulver can keep it up in net, we may be able to make some noise in the ploffs boiiiii.
5. Pittsburgh Penguins.
Week Three Record: 3-5-1.
Trend: Sideways.
MVP: Sudzy.
Well, after going undefeated in week two, the Penguins went on a cold streak (son of a BITCH) and performed quite poorly. It’s a shame, as this team showed what they were capable of in week two and delivered a string of poor performances this week. They have some solid defenders in Robb and Jamie who play well in front of Montoni, while the offense has been handled by Pool, Hockeygirl, and Sudzy, who is scoring at a 4 point per game place with 33 goals in 14 games to his name. They need to work on maintaining their consistency to keep their playoff spot.
6. Vegas Golden Knights.
Week Three Record: 5-4-0.
Trend: Sideways.
MVP: Ska-_-Noodle.
Sometimes, you’ve gotta do what’s best for business, and what might piss your friends off. That’s what Vegas did as they broke up their core of “boyz” as they shipped off Fish and GP’s brother NJ for MG and Shepard, with the former performing quite well and finding his offensive prowess on a line with GP33 and Noodle, who leads the Knights with 24 goals and 23 assists in 13 games. Shepard is the only natural defender and will pair well with FivepointOHH in front of Nathan or Daf, and this lineup will do some damage come playoff time.
7. Philadelphia Flyers.
Week Three Record: 3-5-1.
Trend: Sideways.
MVP: ROLLaBACKWOODS.
MISSthePLAYOFFS. Right now, the Flyers have the fifth spot in the Eastern conference, as the race for playoffs is so tight that if you have one bad week, you could fall completely out of the race. The Flyers need to start consistently winning games if they want a chance to progress past the regular season. The Flyers had a great start to the season, but have fizzled out and delivered poor performances over the past week. Rolla has carried this offense with his 37 goals in 18 games, along a line with Serv and Pete (which should be putting up lots of points), while Joe, Dats, and NYD can take care of business in front of Marv and Icey in net. They need to start kicking ass and taking names and take back the fourth spot.
8. Nashville Predators.
Week Three Record: 3-5-1.
Trend: Sideways.
MVP: Pucky.
Poor Redconcept, he lost his first overall pick in BK and his resign draftee Yeap has gone awol on him. However, the Nashville Predators have still put together a respectable record as they hold the third seed in the Western conference. This team doesn’t have a lot of superstars, but they have a lot of hard working players in Beaster, Ivan, AJ, and Pucky, who is averaging 3.5 points a game on a team that is lacking in quality defense and goaltending (giving up 120 goals against). If the Predators can get a stronger defense and goaltending core, they may be able to be this season’s Cinderella story come the playoffs.
9. Vancouver Canucks.
Week Three Record: 3-6-0.
Trend: Downwards.
MVP: was gonna be bstie, now it’s Uber.
So, either Sedin hasn’t been doing stats or this team hasn’t been playing any games. Tommyboii has the most games played at forward for this team with 10, while Bergy and Uber have been the backbone of this team with 13 and 16 games played respectively. Not to take anything away from Sliyum, who has played 15 games in net and has put forth some respectable stats. Bstie only has played 8 games for the Canucks but has paired nicely with Tommy, but Uber’s 17 points in 16 games is the highlight on a team that is struggling to ice a team.
10. Calgary Flames.
Week Three Record: 1-7-1.
Trend: Downwards.
MVP: Shadow. YIKES.
Well, not much to say for Calgary. The Flames were predicted to finish very poorly at the beginning of this season, and after three weeks, this is no surprise. The Flames have only won 5 games this season, but new developments have brought hope to this team. PGH and Sportsgeek aren’t the best but are a respectable duo, while Shadow, Rookie, and Kapanen can form a decent line in front of either Rookie or Bufford in net. Shadow leads this offense with 18 goals in 13 games to go along with 15 assists. This team doesn’t have the strongest core, but they have one that can win games, and Calgary needs all they can get at this point.
Alright, I’m gonna keep this short and sweet: we’re past the halfway point of the season and we only have 20 games left, so teams need to start making moves to solidify their lines and get ready for a playoff run. Players need to ditch the egos and stop focusing on points and make sure that they get the win. That should be the only stat that matters to teams for the next 4-5 weeks (regular season + playoffs), so you need everybody to get on board and buckle down.
We didn’t have an episode this past week (sorry about that) and will likely not have one this coming week because my girlfriend gets into town this Friday, and we’ll probably be banging it out on Friday and eating ramen on Saturday. Maybe I’ll give the GF the Switch and tell her to play L.A. Noire. If you don’t think that’s one of the best games released in the past 15 years, there’s no hope for you.
Thanks for reading, we’ll see you on the ice, and don’t forget to
SSSSSSSSSUCC ME!
-DD.

SPNHL, Season 34: Week Two Review
By: Dirty-Dietrich.
On my walk to school this morning, I saw a shitty little Suzuki SX4 that had the license plate of DD-01. I was humoured yet antagonized, as I love the license plate (I may have to go back with some tools and “borrow” it), but was upsetting that it was attached to such a shitty car. Have you ever seen an SX4? It looks like an overgrown smart car. YIKES.
Speaking of YIKES, we saw a drastic change in the standings in the Eastern Conference after week two of the SPNHL, with a team that went 1-5 in the first week not losing a damn game in the second week. Kudos to Pittsburgh for pulling that off. Conversely, the Senators (what the FUCK) went from 4-1-1 in week one to a measly 2-6 (one reschedule) this week. It’s a testament to the small sample sizes from the first weeks being an inaccurate representation of a team’s true ability.
Or maybe not? Detroit still has only lost a game (well, 2 games but when you use a player you traded away that afternoon, that game can become invalid (god damn it Ush, you went and turned Shadow on and got his crazy ass muted)), and in the West, the parity between Dallas (who went 7-2 this past week) and Calgary (who went 2-6 with one reschedule) grew. Vegas was plagued by availability and forfeited half their games, Vancouver continues to underachieve (plagued by availability as well), while Nashville needs to figure it out.
Let’s take an in-depth look at how everybody performed this past week, as well as evaluate what changes need to be made as we approach the midway point of this season. Maybe some teams don’t need to change anything, while certain squads should just mail it in and tank for these next three weeks. We’ll answer these questions… right now.
Detroit Red Wings
Week Two Record: 8-1-0.
Trend: Upward.
MVP: LeCupidon.
I promise I won’t suck this guy’s cock as much as I regularly do, but Cupidon is pacing the league playing alongside the SPNHL legacy line. His 25 goals and 34 assists are good for the league lead, while his linemates have scored 20 (Money) and 26 (Reap) respectively. When your top line scores over 70 goals in your first two weeks, it’s hard to recommend any changes, especially when they’re playing 9 a week and living for it. Their defensive core of Triix, Freeze, Cookie, Tickler, and Puck are holding down the line, while Kama and Belak are pulling their weight between the pipes. This Red Wings franchise does not need to change anything at all. We just need to change how we’re playing and beat them.
Dallas Stars
Week Two Record: 7-2-0.
Trend: Upward.
MVP: Iam_mrbean.
YesC/Yessica and his offensive minded Dallas squad continue to dominate offensively (with Bean scoring like 13 points in a game the other night and immediately Chadding (sliding into my DMs and bragging about stats)) and with their talent pool (consisting of the best second line in SP with Side, Stoner, and Study Grammy), their momentum isn’t likely to stop anytime soon. Bean is one point back of the league lead with 58 points (26 G/32 A), while Yesse and Mister H are kinda far behind but still helping MVBean produce. Gamer and Royal have tremendous chemistry on and off the ice, while Captain is a solid backup defender. With the reigning TWO-TIME Vezina winner CHADTHEBITCH putting in work in net, the only thing this Dallas team needs to do is trade Grammy to me ok? Ok cool. Talk to you later Jess.
Pittsburgh Penguins
Week Two Record: 8-0-0 (one reschedule).
Trend: Fuckin’ ROCKETING upward.
MVP: Sudzy.
Hey look who decided to show! Sudzy showed up and showed out this week and got the Penguins back on track after a disastrous first week, not losing a game in week two and handing the Red Wings their line (recognized) defeat. Sudzy (averaging 4 points a game across his 8 games) and Hockeygirl have formed an effective duo with the latter leading the team with 37 points, while offensive contributions from Neeposh and Bundy will keep this team on the right path. Montoni is an excellent goaltender and Jamie and Robb make a solid duo the one night a week they can play, so they’ll need to make a move for a regular defender if they want to keep this pace.
Philadelphia Flyers
Week Two Record: 4-3-2.
Trend: Upward.
MVP: Rolla.
“NOW I KNOW Y’ALL BE LOVING THIS SHIT RIGHT HERE! THE MVP, ROLLaBACKWOODS IS HERE!” Limp Bizkit’s “Rollin’” is the perfect way to describe to describe they Flyer’s performance this week, as they won some big games to keep them in the middle of the conference as we approach the halfway point of the season. Rolla’s 23 goals are pacing a gritty Flyers squad, but a recent trade to bring in POSITIVEPISTOLPETE has finally given Rolla an offensive force to play with. Joe and Serv are good defensive forwards who can play D when necessary, while NYD and DatsALL will manage most of the defensive duties. Marv leads his team from the net while Shitterboyz (IceyAsylum23 (shocked he hasn’t changed his name to ThatGuyIcey)) will hold down the fort when asked to. The Flyers need that elite defender in order to thrive and move up in the pack as we approach the playoffs.
Toronto Maple Leafs
Week Two Record: 5-3-1.
Trend: Sideways.
MVP: SgtVandoos.
SGTVEZINA! Vandoos is turning back the clock and having a great season thus far, posting some of his best numbers in years. This has helped the Leafs keep the fourth spot in the east, maintaining consistency with a skilled roster that boasts Lomax, MG, Fluri, and Pliskin at forward. Gohawks and Shepard are a solid defensive duo, while the rookie Malf (sounds like MILF, heh) are holding the line (LOVE ISN’T ALWAYS ON TIME) while Vandoos is posting a solid 83% save percentage and allowing under 3 goals a game. The Leafs haven’t been scoring much, so they need to either figure this game out (as Plisk put it) or invest in an elite scorer, potentially packaging a few of their solid forwards for one.
Vegas Golden Knights
Week Two Record: 3-6-0.
Trend: Sideways.
MVP: Ska-_-Noodle.
I never noticed the cute little face in his name! Aww! Ska has 25 points in 8 games, but his solid performance thus far (actually, their other 2 top 3 forwards in Fish and GP have 4 points per game) is marred by this team’s lack of availability. They have all the makings of a top team: chemistry between Fish, GP, Ska, and NJ, solid goaltending options in Buff, Daf, and Polar, and decent backups like Ethan, Addy (hasn’t played yet), and Kingikillu (sounds Hawaiian). The issue this team has is dogshit availability, and it would help if each player wasn’t in three or five leagues. Maybe they gotta move some of the bIgGiEs for some people who will actually show up. Five better do that sooner rather than later!
Ottawa Senators
Week Two Record: 2-6-0 (one reschedule)
Trend: Downward.
MVP: Truelegend.
We fell this far? Fuck. Well, the Senators went from second in the East to the bottom of the East real quick, as we could not maintain a consistent offense this week. We’ve got all the weapons up front to do so in True (leading us with 20 goals), Hughes (sometimes showing up), JMM (can’t understand him), and I, with some solid defenders in Francey, Trout, Jugs, and Mikey. Ciulla and Pulverizer have played well between the pipes, allowing only 41 goals between the two, but they need their forwards to score. Bretzky didn’t fit so we dropped him, and we stopped juggling the lines, so the plan is to keep a consitent lineup and develop chemistry, or pull a season 29 DD and just fucking trade EVERYBODY.
Vancouver Canucks
Week Two Record: 1-4-1. (3 reschedules).
Trend: Downward.
MVP: BstieboyDP.
Speaking of dogshit availability, Vancouver had to forfeit one game and reschedule another 3 due to lack of availability, family emergencies, and so on. With a league as, not necessarily lenient, but as flexible as SP, this may be what they needed after an otherwise disappointing week. The Canucks are definitely doing worse than people thought they were, but that could be due to the lack of games from their top line of Bstie, Tommy, and Sedin. Bstie has 19 points in 5 games, and would definitely give this team a spark if he were more available. Uber, and Bergy have been performing well as a defensive pairing, while Shady and Turtle have had mixed results in net. This team just needs their top players to be more available, and everything from there will be smooth sailing.
Nashville Predators
Week Two Record: 2-7.
Trend: Downward.
MVP: Pucky.
Well look at ol’ Puckzone go! His 13 goals in 5 games are one of the few bright spots for Nashville, who have faced tremendous difficulty this season. With BK, his first overall pick, going M.I.A. and Yeap going M.I.A. but coming back this week, Nashville’s offense has been carried by Pucky, Ajota, Ivan, and Serg. This isn’t the best offensive line, but it does have some upside. I noted their defensive core may be an issue, and Red objected to it. Well, fucker, you don’t have a defender with a positive plus-minus! So SUCCME. Red and Single/Marek/Raptors/whatever are a good goaltending duo, but some moves must be made to acquire a solid defender to give these Predators a backbone.
Calgary Flames
Week Two Record: 2-6 (one reschedule).
Trend: Downward.
MVP: Arrowhunter, I guess?
Aww man, Calgary nearly had the feel good story of the week on Monday, winning 2 of their 3 games. Too bad their results were overturned after it was discovered THEY USED A PLAYER THEY HAD JUST TRADED HOURS BEFORE THE GAME. NICE. Montoni could have been their MVP had he not been traded to the Burgh, so Arrow’s 10 goals in 9 games will have to do for now. Shadow and Rookie have had good numbers up front, while PGH, Sportsgeek, and the Yesse endorsed Tripz have handled defensive duties. JxB could handle the job in the crease, but unfortunately for Calgary, they will likely see a lot of Ush in net. Ush needs a starting goalie and may have to package some of their offensive options to get one. They need it NOW. AND THEY DON’T NEED TO TRADE HIM.
Week two was a fucking rollercoaster man. Some great teams performing poorly in week one had a great turnaround, while some teams who started off hot went ice cold for the next 9 games. Now that teams have some of their main lines set, we can expect some more competitive games with fewer blowouts, and hopefully fewer people quitting the league. These next two weeks are what I like to call the formative weeks, so I advise teams to stay level headed and remain consistent. Over here in Ottawa, we got a little cocky, a mistake we won’t make again. I promise you. For those who had a solid week two, I recommend the same.
My birthday is tomorrow and I plan on getting piss drunk and watching Masvidal and Diaz beat the shit out of eachother this Saturday, so I’m not too sure about the status of SPNHL: Off the Ice this coming weekend. Maybe we’ll do it Friday? Sunday? Maybe come back next season? Who knows? We’re not very responsible when delivering this show.
Good luck this week, and we’ll see you on the ice!
-DD.

SPNHL, Season 34: Week One Review
By: Dirty-Dietrich.
The sooner you fucks learn how to use the availability link, the less of a chance that I get all your location information and go postal. IT TAKES TWO MINUTES.
Also, a message to GMs: not responding is not a way of saying no to a trade offer. Show some professionalism, you dicks.
Alright, rant over. Sorry about that.
I hope everybody had a lovely Thanksgiving, and enjoyed the shorter opening week of the SPNHL. 6 games is a small sample size, but we already have one undefeated team (congrats. Detroit. We’ll get ya next time), and three teams in the West who are looking to be dominant forces and legitimate cup contenders. On the other side of the spectrum, we have two teams sitting at the bottom of their respective conferences: Calgary having an unsurprising 1-5 start, but Pittsburgh shocking everybody with their disappointing 1-5 start.  There’s no need to panic for our latter two teams, as there is plenty of time left in the season. 39 more games to play 3 weeks until the trade deadline, there is plenty of time to develop chemistry, acquire the right pieces, and do whatever it takes to get your team to where you need it to be: a team that has what it takes to win night in and night out. Strong offensively, strong defensively, and a solid backstopper. You got all these pieces, and you’re good to go.
Let’s take a look and see how our ten teams did week one.
 
1. Detroit Red Wings.
Record: 6-0-0.
Trajectory: Upward.
MVP: LeCupidon.
Detroit’s first week back after winning the Stanley Cup was similar to the end of their last season: win after win after win. The Red Wings are second in goals scored and first and fewest goals allowed, while maintaining some of the best specialty teams numbers in the league. This offensive spark shows the talent their top line has, being lead by LeCupidon. The dynamic playmaker leads the league with 23 points, with 14 of them being assists.
 
2. Dallas Stars.
Record: 4-1-1.
Trajectory: Upward.
MVP: Iam_mrbean.
After a disappointing first round exit in Chicago, Yesse and Grammy’s Dallas squad have won 4 of their first 6 games and are leading the league with 33 goals (scoring 18 of them in their past three games). They’re converting on a third of their powerplay opportunities, and with an offensive core of players, lead by Bean, they will continue to do so. Bean’s 10 goals and 11 assists through 6 games are good for second in the league in points, and don’t be surprised to see him take the league lead in goals this next week.
 
3. Ottawa Senators.
Record: 4-1-1.
Trajectory: Upward.
MVP: Truelegend07.
We had a pretty good first week! We only lost to an undefeated team and showed some signs of brilliance (including Francey scoring an own goal from centre ice). Our defence was solid, only giving up 12 goals (good for second in the league), but our offense could use a bit of a kick in the ass. Truelegend is up to his old tricks, leading the team with 9 goals through 5 games, but Ottawa will need more offensive contributions to keep their respectable pace.
 
4. Vegas Golden Knights
Record: 4-2-0.
Trajectory: upward.
MVP: xGP33.
Vegas were considered a Cinderella story last season as they made their run to the finals, but are showing no signs of slowing down with their quick start this season. The Golden Knights have a very talented offensive core with forwards like Ska, Fish, NJ at D and their leading scorer GP (with 9 goals and 7 assists through 4 games) (weird seeing all those names together eh?), but their goaltending is showing some cracks. Their defense will need to tighten up to allow Nathan to get his save percentage above 60%.
 
5. Vancouver Canucks.
Record: 3-2-1.
Trajectory: sideways.
MVP: BstieboyDP.
Vancouver was considered an early favourite to win at the beginning of the season, with a solid starting 6 with an extensive resume in SP. Their start has been a little slower than expected, winning only 3 of their 6 games and giving up the third most goals in the league. Their goaltending is playing below expectations, but the duo of Tommyboii and Bstie, their leading scorer after 3 games with 4 goals and 12 points, are showing promise.
 
6. Philadelphia Flyers.
Record: 3-3-0.
Trajectory: sideways.
MVP: ROLLaBACKWOODS.
Philadelphia had a strong start, winning 2 of their first three games, but the Flyers had a complete turnaround and dropped 2 of their last three games. Their numbers aren’t extraordinary (26 goals for, 20 goals against), and they have an interesting yet talented array of talent that is capable of winning most games. Their offense is being lead by Rolla, who has scored a league leading 12 goals in 6 games, and will need to keep this pace to keep this Philly squad in playoff contention.
 
7. Nashville Predators.
Record: 2-2-2.
Trajectory: sideways.
MVP: BK_0994.
Nashville is riding a two-game win streak to end a tumultuous week, after starting out 0-2-2 to start the week. I’m hesitant to say they’re trending in the right direction, but Nashville is taking the right steps toward becoming a winning team. 12 goals in the last two games is a good kick start to a struggling offense, being lead by BK who has 8 goals and 7 assists in 5 games. Going forward, he’ll need more help from Yeap and Pucky.
 
8. Toronto Maple Leafs.
Record: 2-3-1.
Trajectory: downward.
MVP: Vandoos (Vandoos?)
Toronto is having a tough start to the season, as the strong defensive core is NOT scoring, amassing only 10 goals through 6 games. Scoring at less than 2 goals a game is unheard of for a winning team in a league, so the Leafs will need more offensive contributions from MG, Fluri, and Lo if they want to break .500. Every cloud has a silver lining, and Vandoos had a good week with only 8 goals against in 3 games and a save percentage above 80%. EVERYTHING OLD IS NEW AGAIN.
 
9. Calgary Flames.
Record: 1-5-0.
Trajectory: downward.
MVP: ACK-Stonerboy.
Well, Ush’s rookie season as a GM has started how we thought it may, with the Flames only winning one of their first six games. This can be incredibly frustrating, especially when giving up 32 goals over your first six games, but Ush is making some moves to make his team better and get them back on track after a rough start. He needs to start with some scoring support for Stoner, as his team leading 7 goals and 3 assists through three games will need to increase in order to ignite this Flames’ offense.
 
10. Pittsburgh Penguins.
Record: 1-5-0.
Trajectory: downward.
MVP: Hockeygirl.
Well, the biggest surprise of the season so far is the piss-poor start by Pool and the Bruins. With talent like Sudzy, jyuhnn, and Barzy, it’s amazing that this team is scoring just over 2 goals a game. However, it’s hard to get momentum when you’re letting in 6 goals a game on average. PNC is having a rough start to the season, while Hockeygirl is surprisingly leading an underperforming offense, as she has scored 7 goals and 3 assists through 6 games. They NEED their big three to start scoring, or this team isn’t going anywhere.
Week two is the first full week of season 34, and will be a good judge of a team’s actual talent. 6 games is far too small of a sample size, and as we’ll be a third of the way through the season after this week, we will get an accurate perception of the playstyle of the ten teams in the SPNHL. Some strong defensive teams, some offensive powerhouses, their team identities are soon to be constructed and soon to be evaluated by opposing teams.
The plan is to bring Off the Ice back this coming Saturday! Join Plisk, myself, and more (TBD/TBA and yes, Reap you’re invited <3) as we discuss the first two weeks of the season, the best way to prepare mashed potatoes, and more! It’s been a while since we hosted a show, and we’re planning on delivering a new format and reviving the Ask the Commish segment.
Best of luck to all the teams this week, and we’ll see you on the ice!
DD.

SPNHL, Season 34: Season Preview
By: Dirty-Dietrich
“The Gang Comes Back”
I’ve always been an It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia Fan, but I’ve been watching so much of it over the course of the past two weeks. I’ve memorized almost all the songs in “The Nightmare Cometh” and I’ve almost mastered the D.E.N.N.I.S. system. I also picked up some magnum condoms for my monster d-
Welcome back everybody! NHL 20 is here and we have a brand new game to bitch about! Season 34 of the SPNHL is days away from starting and we have 10 teams vying for the Stanley Cup with a host of different characters leading the charge. Reigning Stanley Cup winning GM Reap leads the core of 6 returning GMs that includes fellow cup finalist FivePointOhh, playoff contenders Lomax and Yesc, and two GMs looking to rebound in Poolmagician and Peacekeeper. Among them we have 4 new GMs, some old and new: we have prosperous GMs in Redconcept, Sedinpower, and your’s truly, and one brand new GM in Ushkilledya. Ush, welcome to the league of extraordinarily pissed off and frustrated gentlemen.
This is a shorter season than the summer season, as we return to our normal 45 game schedule instead of the long two month summer season, but that doesn’t make it any less challenging. These teams will need to make the most of the 9 games over the 5 week period, so let’s take a look at their starting lineups, as well as their strengths and weaknesses on a conference basis. I have no clue how everybody is going to finish and I’m not gonna fuckin’ try to predict it, as I usually get this shit wrong. Make your own rankings! Let’s do this!
EASTERN CONFERENCE
Detroit Red Wings
GM: Reapz_2313.
Starting Lineup:
LW: Reap.
C: Kidmoney.
RW: LeCupidon.
LD: Triix.
RD: Freeze.
G: Kamakaz.
Overview: After a Cup winning season 33, Reap has changed the structure of his team and has gone from a team of relative SPNHL newcomers to an SPNHL legacy team. Reuniting with Kid and bringing back their strong Winnipeg line with Cupe, Detroit’s offense will be complemented by two offensive defenders in Triix and Freeze, while being backstopped by Kama. Their depth options are decent with Cookie and Belak having versatility they’ll have some decent cheap players in Hairy and Tickler.
Strength:  this team will have one of the most powerful offenses in the East, with a top offensive line and two strong defenders who can move the puck with ease. Goals will be at a premium with a high flying Red WIngs offense.
Weakness: Unfortunately, depth in net will be an issue. Kamakaz is an all-star goaltender with not full availability. They will have to rely on Cookie man’s versatility to play when Kama can’t, which could lead to some high scoring games.
Ottawa Senators
GM: Dirty-Dietrich (fuck yeah!)
Starting Lineup:
LW: Truelegend.
C: JMM420.
RW: Dirty-D.
LD: ChinesePeen.
RD: Trout.
G: Ciulla.
Overview: I’m back bitches! I got the itch to come back as a GM and I had to do it. I did this resign draft thing and got the architect of Tampa Bay in Truelegend, and built around us with JMM, Francey (ChinesePeen), my boy Trout, and my son Ciulla (<3). We’ve got two good caliber goaltenders in Ciu and Cartman, some good backup forwards in Hughes/Boeser/Sandhu and this kid Bretzky, while M1key and Maybeland are gonna hold down the fort at D. I’m looking forward to this season.
Strength: offense is gonna be our forte this season. Raja and True are elite playmakers, while JMM and I are good scorers. Our defenders are very capable forwards, so we’ll have a five pronged offensive attack.
Weakness: with basically 4-5 forwards on the ice at all times, our team will have a lot of defensive irresponsibility. I feel like we’re gonna put our goalies in a few bad situations this season.
Philadelphia Flyers
GM: Peacekeeper/Marv/change your fucking name.
Starting Lineup:
LW: Smokeshowjoe.
C: Serv.
RW: Rollabackwood.
LD: Marv/Dafoumanchew.
RD: DatsALL.
G: Daf/Marv.
Overview: Marv is coming back after a tumultuous season but has built a gritty team in the name of his new home in Philly. Third overall pick Servnspike leads a line with SLAPSHOTJOE and promising rookie Rolla. Marv and Daf will trade goaltending and left defense duties while DatsALLImSaying (one of the best names in the league TBH) will anchor that defensive line on the right side. Their backups include an elite forward in JCpens and some out of position players in NowYoDead and Icey, but their versatility may make this team work.
Strength: offensive depth is in spades for this team and will pay off for them. They have a variety of styles from solid defensive forwards to talented playmakers, and they will blend together quite nicely as this team gets their legs underneath them.
Weakness: defensive depth is the weak point on this squad and will play a huge toll on this team as time rolls on. Serv, SSJ, and NYD can all play D, but you’re taking away from some talented players up front.
Pittsburgh Penguins
GM: ThePoolCleaner (PoolMagician, but also a really good career path)
Starting Lineup:
LW: Sudzy.
C: jyuhhn.
RW: Barzy.
LD: Benn.
RD: Noto.
G: PNC.
Overview: Another bottom feeder last season, Pool relocated from Boston to Pittsburgh in the hopes of assembling a top team, and his top line shows all the makings of one. After signing the dominant LW Sudzy in the resign draft, rabbing Jyuhhn and Barzy in the first round to form an offensively overpowered top line was a smart next move, while backup forwards in hockeygirl and Tragic provide good offensive depth. PNC will start most of these games behind Noto and Jamie, but Jamie’s lack of availability and the lack of other defenders may be this team’s Achilles’ heel.
Strength: offense. That top line is made of some top talent that will produce an astounding amount of goals against even the best of defenses. Plug a backup forward in there with any two of them and it will be smooth sailing.
Weakness: defense. That one was easy. Your top LD can only play three-five a week while you have no other natural defenders on your roster. Maybe Barzy can play RD while Noto moves over, but you lose that firepower that the top line has.
Toronto Maple Leafs
GM: Lo-Maximus
Starting Lineup:
LW: Pliskin.
C: Lo-max.
RW: Fluri/MG.
LD: Shepard.
RD: GoHawks.
G: SgtVandoos.
Overview: After a successful season in his return to GM, Lomax dragged Pliskin from Pittsbirgh to Toronto and built a team that is a step away from their usual defense-heavy lineup. Plisk’s move from net to the left wing could be beneficial, and having two talented and versatile forwards in MG and Fluri will certainly pack an offensive punch. They went with some SP vets in Shep, Hawks, and Vandoos to round out their top 6, while rounding out the rest of their roster with a few rookies. Maybe these cheap players will be a high value to the old guard.
Strength: The Leafs are offense-heavy in comparison to Plisk and Lo’s past team/teams, boasting a collection of puck movers who will be able to dish the rock effectively and create a bevy of scoring opportunities.
Weakness: this team will have some depth issues, and will rely on these rookies working out to be steals. Also, having Vandoos in net and no other goalies will make Plisk have to play backup quite a bit.
WESTERN CONFERENCE
Calgary Flames
GM: Ushkilledya
Starting lineup:
LW: Duhaime.
C: Arrowhunter.
RW: Ush.
LD: PGH.
RD: Stoner.
G: Montoni.
Overview: being a GM for the first time is always rough, especially when you have to waive or trade two of your guys in the first week. Regardless, Ush had some bad luck in the draft and has built a team that has a few solid players, but a host of mediocre talent. Arrow and Duhaime are backup caliber forwards, and their expensive players like Stoner and Montoni are going to be limited (Stoner said he wants three games a week to me, at least). Calgary may make a reach for that final playoff spot, but this is going to be the basement dweller of the West. Sorry, Ush.
Strength: next season’s draft picks. Well, let’s not get too asinine. Maybe this team’s defense? IDK. I think they’ll have guys who show up, but they won’t be that good. We’ll say offensive depth. Actually fuck it, let’s just say goaltending.
Weakness: well, where do we start. Lack of top talent could be it. Outside of goaltending, the Flames don’t really have much to offer or many names to be scared of. They’ll make a few games interesting, but they won’t win more than 15.
GM: Yesse
Dallas Stars
Starting Lineup:
LW: Bean (SUCCME).
C: Yesse.
RW: Grammy.
LD: RoyalKC.
RD: UltimateGamer.
G: Chadkillz.
After a 15 game winning streak at the end of last season, the Hawks lost 4 of 7 games in the playoffs and their woes forced them out of Chicago and into Dallas. Yesse and Grammy paired with Bean to create a top line with organic chemistry, with a defensive pair who has played together for years. Add Chad into the mix and you have one of the most talented starting lines of this season. They have some decent backup forwards in Sidd, Mister H, and Serg, while the rookie IceCold will look to prove himself.
Strength: this starting line is enough to make anybody quiver. Their combination of defensive ability with scoring prowess will make the potential Threepeat Vezina winner Chad’s life in net that much easier than it already is.
Weakness: defensive depth. IceCold is Jesse’s real life best friend and the only reason he’s on this team. As he is the only defender aside from Royal and Gamer (neither of who have full availability), they will have to rely on their top 6 a lot.
Nashville Predators
GM: Redconcept
Starting Lineup:
LW: Ivan.
C: BK.
RW: Yeap.
LD: Beaster.
RD: Red.
G: Marek.
Overview: after a few seasons away from being a GM, Redconcept has returned to a position of authority within SP and has drafted a well balanced team. Resigning Yeap and taking BK first overall has formed a dynamic 1-2 punch while Ivan will fill out that top line quite well. Marek is a great goalie and the duo of Red and Beaster will provide some relief. Having Pucky and Topshot as backup forwards doesn’t hurt, but the issues may become visible with their backup defenders.
Strength: this team is quite deep offensively, and I don’t think there is a lineup they throw out there that doesn’t have a chance to win games. Red drafted some solid scorers that will
Weakness: while having BK and Yeap will do some damage up front, there may be some issues with defense. Red isn’t playing on his natural side, while Devon and Danger aren’t the most solid options to support a high risk offense.
Vancouver Canucks
GM: Sedinpower
Starting Lineup:
LW: althewall.
C: Tommy.
RW: Bstie.
LD: Uber.
RD: Sedin.
G: Sliyum.
Overview: The most prolific player in SP history returns as a GM as Sedinpower returns to the West and hasn’t lost a step in building a team. This team has multiple Hart winners and Conn Smythe winners, with a very strong back-end in Uber, Sedin, and Sliyum supporting a top line of Bstie, Tommy, and rookie althewall (LGAHL star). Turtle will backup Slim while Bergy will backup Uber, with sniper and Christboyz as backup forwards when needed.
Strength: everything. This is an incredibly strong team, with a multitude of Vezina caliber goalies, Norris level defenders, and potential Art-Ross winners on their roster. Anything less than the top two seeds will be a disappointment.
Weakness: availability may be an issue with Bstie and Tommy, which will force their backup forwards (two rookies) to play more games. While they’ll still have defensive support, their offensive production may not be as strong.
Vegas Golden Knights
GM: FivePointHoes
Starting lineup:
LW: GP.
C: Noodle.
RW: Fish.
LD: Pete.
RD: NJ.
G: Polar.
Overview: Fresh off a finals berth, Five has rebuilt one of the most controversial teams in recent memory, but they are looking for a clean slate and looking to add (another or first, depending on your perspective) a championship to that plate. The talented trio of Fish, God, and NJ bring their boy Noodle into the fold and are filled out with SP veterans Pete and Polar in what will either be a really good team, or a team that will self-destruct and fall apart halfway through the season. Let’s discuss:
Strength: talent. When it comes to pure talent, few rosters will boast this amount of talent. GP and Fish are electrifying forwards, while Pete and NJ are great puck moving defenders who will have this team scoring at will.
Weakness: availability is gonna be dog shit for these guys, as most of them play in another league or just got a new job that will take up their time (congrats, Pete). When the availability drops and if the team starts losing, it will implode.
We are almost upon the ceremonial opening night puck drop on season 34 of the SPNHL, and while some teams might be confident in their abilities (and for good reason), some may be nervous about their potential performance and go into games with an abundance of pressure. That’s not gonna do shit. Go out there, kick ass and have fun. Bust your ass, and you’ll get the job done.
To rookies: make yourselves known. Shoot the shit with people in the Discord and make some friends/some enemies. Submit availability for your team each week and get out there and show them what you got at every chance you get.
To the veterans: let’s make this league great again. Way too much bullshit has happened over the past season, and we’ve got the chance to reshape the identity of the league. Give it the family feel that it once had.
Make sure to tune into www.twitch.tv/thespnhl_media for episodes of SPNHL: Off the Ice! We’ll have a broad variety of guests this season in addition to the usual hoodlums we have hosting the show. We have no idea when we’ll be conducting the show but we will be sure to let you know as soon as we do.
Thank you for taking your time to read this, and I wish everybody the best of luck tomorrow night. We’ll see you on the ice!

• DD.

SPNHL, Season XXXIV, Draft Preview.
 
It is finally here. After a long break, Season 34 is around the corner. There was a bit of chatter about if there would be a new season but after taking out some of the trash and a turn around within our amazing SP community, we made it. We ended the season with the Detroit Red Wings winning it all. Congrats to Reaper and company for winning the cup! Tonight we officially get started and oh it should be a dandy. It has been a fun offseason with two new rules in force, transactions, and swapping of teams.
Who goes 1st? Who goes 2nd? Who goes 3rd? Who goes 4th? Who goes 5th? Who goes 6th? Who is the heck is still reading this? Jokes on you.  Along with new faces in SP, we also have a new first time GM in Ushkilledya. Give that man a round of applause.  Let’s also welcome back 3 past cup winners in DD, Sedin and Redconcept. Lots of changes in teams as well and if you want to know who went where I’d suggest looking it up.
So before we go into the draft preview, let’s talk about these new rules and transactions for any of who don’t follow anything. We have KARMA, that’s right KARMA people. It is a basic point system that allows you some flexibility during tough stretch for being an outstanding GM. We give a team an extra 5 minutes to start the game, good karma. You forfeit a team in the eastern conference finals at the 9 minute mark?  No karma. After so many karma points you can reschedule games and some other cool perks. Maybe even a PICKLEhoodie? MAKE IT PLISK!  The other new rule was new GMS coming in didn’t have to resign a guy who that team had rights to.  They could enter a resign draft pool and take any Free Agent of their choosing.  The results…
Vegas selected Gods3_3plan1
Ottawa selected Truelegend07
Pittsburgh selected Sudzy92
Nashville selected Yeap_93
Let’s talk about this draft tonight. Redconcept and his predators pick 1st and are followed b yPoolmagician and YuhMarvduhman in the top three. Can we all agree Marv needs a new damn name? It’s seriously a pain to type that. Physically hurts me.  So who takes who and who reaches 1st? These are spoilers, im warning you. And the first on the clock isRedconcept and the Nashville Predators select Dirty_Trix_13 Pros: Trix is a sp vet and talented player. Could be a great pair with Yeap if he chooses to play some forward. Con: Mentally can he recover from his meltdown vs Premierplayer and the golden knights?

SPNHL, Season XXXIV, Preview.ThePoolmagician and the Pittsburgh Penguins select x13arzyPros: Barzy is talented on either Offense or defense.  Could be a force with Sudzy. Cons. He has a big mouth and sometimes motivates the other teams to play just a tad better.
xYuhmarvduhmanx and the Philadelphia Flyers select BK0994Pros: Marv and Bk have history. Bk is an exceptional player while on west coast. Cons. Marv is on the team. There are a lot of players hiding in the draft and here’s how I feel the rest of the draftplays out.
Dallas selects Chadkillz
Toronto selects Smokeshowjoe
Dallas selects Shephard-88
Vancouver selects Fishure
Pittsburgh selects Jyuhnnn
Vegas selects Ska-_-Noodle
Detroit selects Kidmoney
This concludes my short Draft Preview session. Tata

Tonight’s draft will begin at 8pm est.  you can follow the draft on our discord.
https://discord.gg/Dh5tnDG
 
Click this link to view the live draft board to keep up with the draft.
 
LIVE DRAFT BOARD LINK
 
Best of Luck tonight guys!!!
 
 
 

Hello everyone, we have two new updates coming for Season 34. First of which is something for our friends who hate Forfeits and the second is something to further help struggling teams in an attempt to continually improve the league competitive balance. But first we will talk about the help towards Forfeits.
Nobody likes forfeits especially me, It is always a sour affair and many times turns good people into children. relationships are strained and league comradery threatened. Forfeits are however a necessary evil. Your time is your time. Nobody has the right to question you when a forfeit is enforced. In the interest of reducing this aspect we will now enforce a team “KARMA” rating.
Karma will be granted to any team who puts the league first. you will be granted the following Karma points.
(1 point) for every min over the league permitted grace period without calling a FF. This clock ends on initially 12 man match up. additional karma is not given if game crashes or players are lost during load up causing a longer wait period.
(5 points) for allowing a team to replace a lost player who is unable to reconnect. (regular season play only)
(1-15 points) Karma Protection *see below*
Karma points will be spent in the following manner.
-reduce a game from a players suspension -15 points.
-Reschedule a game without a forfeit -30 points.
-additional grace time -5 points per 5 min chunk.
Karma points will be LOST on the following. (in addition to GM points)
– Failing to have lines done on time -5 points
– Altering lines after deadline -5 points
– Failing to have stats done on time -5 points per day
– Failing to collect stats from a game -15 points. (being unable to get them).
– unprofessional actions by the team members -5 points (GM points not removed)
– unprofessional actions by the GM -10 points
Points being used or gained must be declared by the GM right away. if you wish to grant 5 or more extra mins to a team it must be declared in the GM chat prior to the grace ending. If a team wishes to spend their points for more time they are to declare it by the mid point of the grace period. for example, if a 9pm game has a grace until 9:10, additional grace must be used by 9:05. If extra time is granted to a team you must declare your permission before 9:10 along with the amount of total time you are willing to earn in karma points. The total amount of time “willing to earn” is not the total amount you will get. You only receive what is used. if you grant 30 extra mins, you will not get 30 points if they only use up 2 mins. you only get 1 point per min they use. After the granted time is used up you can still call a FF and receive the allotted karma points.
*Karma Protection* in the event a team forces extra grace by Spending Karma against you and this extra time applies pressure to your team being able to have all 6 players finish the game before one of your players has to leave, you will be required to provide a screenshot of your starting line up prior to the expiration of the league set grace period (9:10 / 9:55 / 10:40). If you can fulfill this requirement you will be permitted to purchase a reschedule for a reduced cost. (15 points)
15 karma points is granted to each team at the start of the season to protect you from this 1 time. These gifted points do not go toward the Karma total and can not be spent on anything else.
If a team forces you to wait. the key word is “forces” you will be granted 1 Karma Point for every 2 mins and 10 points for a reschedule.
It is a little bit of a read but the idea is to reward teams who are considerate to other teams by protecting them with the same consideration that is not normally given by some teams.
Now the second rule to be added this season is a way to improve the balance of the league. Currently we allow 1 re-sign per team. This in itself is not as balanced as we would like. some top teams have top players as GMs, these GMs also have the ability to re-sign and keep 1 top player. This is very good for top teams. Weaker teams have a great deal more difficulty achieving this. sometimes it is due to not having top players to begin with, some because top players don’t sign back up after finishing on a weaker team and go into hiding leaving the weaker teams with no valuable re-sign options. This makes the job of weaker teams even harder to get out of the hole. we do not need teams to go last to first but we would like to see last place teams finish with records of 20-25 instead of 7-35. Obviously there are way too many variables in play to undermine any actions we take as a league to help teams. some times the human element is too damaging to fix but some strides toward assisting those struggling is still needed. If not to improve league enjoyment for teams commonly in the bottom but to also make those teams worth worrying about by the top teams. So the new rule works as such….
teams will have the option to NOT re-sign a member of their team, but instead sign a player who was released by another team. To achieve this we will ask teams not re-signing a player from their team to declare it the day before Re-signs are named so it is a commitment. They are choosing to do this without knowing who is re-signed. Obviously they can speculate who will be released but they wont know for sure.
Once you declare your intent to not re-sign, you must select one of the other released players. you are not permitted to sign anyone you waived prior to re-signs. This is a Gamble so do not release all of your players if you have doubts. In the Event of more then one team electing to waive their team, the order for selection will be based on the reversed draft order. Where the better team picks before the weaker team. The reason for this is because weaker teams have better draft pick position and this rule is to help strengthen their one re-sign not to swing the bottom teams into a top position. The stronger teams still have a chance to risk their wealth to get a better re-sign if needed.
This is a lot to digest so if you have questions or need clarification please feel free to contact SA_Pliskin on PSN or discord Pliskin#4011

This timeline is based on registered numbers. Last update registrations are at 107. target is 130.
If numbers are strong enough the following will be our timeline,
Reg closure sept 27th
GM selection sept 26th-27th
Re-sign sept 29th
Draft Oct 1st.
If Registration could use a boost we will push everything back 1 week.
Reg closure Oct 4th
GM selection Oct 3rd-4th
Re-sign Oct 6th
Draft Oct 8th.