SPNHL, Season 34: Season Preview
By: Dirty-Dietrich
“The Gang Comes Back”
I’ve always been an It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia Fan, but I’ve been watching so much of it over the course of the past two weeks. I’ve memorized almost all the songs in “The Nightmare Cometh” and I’ve almost mastered the D.E.N.N.I.S. system. I also picked up some magnum condoms for my monster d-
Welcome back everybody! NHL 20 is here and we have a brand new game to bitch about! Season 34 of the SPNHL is days away from starting and we have 10 teams vying for the Stanley Cup with a host of different characters leading the charge. Reigning Stanley Cup winning GM Reap leads the core of 6 returning GMs that includes fellow cup finalist FivePointOhh, playoff contenders Lomax and Yesc, and two GMs looking to rebound in Poolmagician and Peacekeeper. Among them we have 4 new GMs, some old and new: we have prosperous GMs in Redconcept, Sedinpower, and your’s truly, and one brand new GM in Ushkilledya. Ush, welcome to the league of extraordinarily pissed off and frustrated gentlemen.
This is a shorter season than the summer season, as we return to our normal 45 game schedule instead of the long two month summer season, but that doesn’t make it any less challenging. These teams will need to make the most of the 9 games over the 5 week period, so let’s take a look at their starting lineups, as well as their strengths and weaknesses on a conference basis. I have no clue how everybody is going to finish and I’m not gonna fuckin’ try to predict it, as I usually get this shit wrong. Make your own rankings! Let’s do this!
EASTERN CONFERENCE
Detroit Red Wings
GM: Reapz_2313.
Starting Lineup:
LW: Reap.
C: Kidmoney.
RW: LeCupidon.
LD: Triix.
RD: Freeze.
G: Kamakaz.
Overview: After a Cup winning season 33, Reap has changed the structure of his team and has gone from a team of relative SPNHL newcomers to an SPNHL legacy team. Reuniting with Kid and bringing back their strong Winnipeg line with Cupe, Detroit’s offense will be complemented by two offensive defenders in Triix and Freeze, while being backstopped by Kama. Their depth options are decent with Cookie and Belak having versatility they’ll have some decent cheap players in Hairy and Tickler.
Strength:  this team will have one of the most powerful offenses in the East, with a top offensive line and two strong defenders who can move the puck with ease. Goals will be at a premium with a high flying Red WIngs offense.
Weakness: Unfortunately, depth in net will be an issue. Kamakaz is an all-star goaltender with not full availability. They will have to rely on Cookie man’s versatility to play when Kama can’t, which could lead to some high scoring games.
Ottawa Senators
GM: Dirty-Dietrich (fuck yeah!)
Starting Lineup:
LW: Truelegend.
C: JMM420.
RW: Dirty-D.
LD: ChinesePeen.
RD: Trout.
G: Ciulla.
Overview: I’m back bitches! I got the itch to come back as a GM and I had to do it. I did this resign draft thing and got the architect of Tampa Bay in Truelegend, and built around us with JMM, Francey (ChinesePeen), my boy Trout, and my son Ciulla (<3). We’ve got two good caliber goaltenders in Ciu and Cartman, some good backup forwards in Hughes/Boeser/Sandhu and this kid Bretzky, while M1key and Maybeland are gonna hold down the fort at D. I’m looking forward to this season.
Strength: offense is gonna be our forte this season. Raja and True are elite playmakers, while JMM and I are good scorers. Our defenders are very capable forwards, so we’ll have a five pronged offensive attack.
Weakness: with basically 4-5 forwards on the ice at all times, our team will have a lot of defensive irresponsibility. I feel like we’re gonna put our goalies in a few bad situations this season.
Philadelphia Flyers
GM: Peacekeeper/Marv/change your fucking name.
Starting Lineup:
LW: Smokeshowjoe.
C: Serv.
RW: Rollabackwood.
LD: Marv/Dafoumanchew.
RD: DatsALL.
G: Daf/Marv.
Overview: Marv is coming back after a tumultuous season but has built a gritty team in the name of his new home in Philly. Third overall pick Servnspike leads a line with SLAPSHOTJOE and promising rookie Rolla. Marv and Daf will trade goaltending and left defense duties while DatsALLImSaying (one of the best names in the league TBH) will anchor that defensive line on the right side. Their backups include an elite forward in JCpens and some out of position players in NowYoDead and Icey, but their versatility may make this team work.
Strength: offensive depth is in spades for this team and will pay off for them. They have a variety of styles from solid defensive forwards to talented playmakers, and they will blend together quite nicely as this team gets their legs underneath them.
Weakness: defensive depth is the weak point on this squad and will play a huge toll on this team as time rolls on. Serv, SSJ, and NYD can all play D, but you’re taking away from some talented players up front.
Pittsburgh Penguins
GM: ThePoolCleaner (PoolMagician, but also a really good career path)
Starting Lineup:
LW: Sudzy.
C: jyuhhn.
RW: Barzy.
LD: Benn.
RD: Noto.
G: PNC.
Overview: Another bottom feeder last season, Pool relocated from Boston to Pittsburgh in the hopes of assembling a top team, and his top line shows all the makings of one. After signing the dominant LW Sudzy in the resign draft, rabbing Jyuhhn and Barzy in the first round to form an offensively overpowered top line was a smart next move, while backup forwards in hockeygirl and Tragic provide good offensive depth. PNC will start most of these games behind Noto and Jamie, but Jamie’s lack of availability and the lack of other defenders may be this team’s Achilles’ heel.
Strength: offense. That top line is made of some top talent that will produce an astounding amount of goals against even the best of defenses. Plug a backup forward in there with any two of them and it will be smooth sailing.
Weakness: defense. That one was easy. Your top LD can only play three-five a week while you have no other natural defenders on your roster. Maybe Barzy can play RD while Noto moves over, but you lose that firepower that the top line has.
Toronto Maple Leafs
GM: Lo-Maximus
Starting Lineup:
LW: Pliskin.
C: Lo-max.
RW: Fluri/MG.
LD: Shepard.
RD: GoHawks.
G: SgtVandoos.
Overview: After a successful season in his return to GM, Lomax dragged Pliskin from Pittsbirgh to Toronto and built a team that is a step away from their usual defense-heavy lineup. Plisk’s move from net to the left wing could be beneficial, and having two talented and versatile forwards in MG and Fluri will certainly pack an offensive punch. They went with some SP vets in Shep, Hawks, and Vandoos to round out their top 6, while rounding out the rest of their roster with a few rookies. Maybe these cheap players will be a high value to the old guard.
Strength: The Leafs are offense-heavy in comparison to Plisk and Lo’s past team/teams, boasting a collection of puck movers who will be able to dish the rock effectively and create a bevy of scoring opportunities.
Weakness: this team will have some depth issues, and will rely on these rookies working out to be steals. Also, having Vandoos in net and no other goalies will make Plisk have to play backup quite a bit.
WESTERN CONFERENCE
Calgary Flames
GM: Ushkilledya
Starting lineup:
LW: Duhaime.
C: Arrowhunter.
RW: Ush.
LD: PGH.
RD: Stoner.
G: Montoni.
Overview: being a GM for the first time is always rough, especially when you have to waive or trade two of your guys in the first week. Regardless, Ush had some bad luck in the draft and has built a team that has a few solid players, but a host of mediocre talent. Arrow and Duhaime are backup caliber forwards, and their expensive players like Stoner and Montoni are going to be limited (Stoner said he wants three games a week to me, at least). Calgary may make a reach for that final playoff spot, but this is going to be the basement dweller of the West. Sorry, Ush.
Strength: next season’s draft picks. Well, let’s not get too asinine. Maybe this team’s defense? IDK. I think they’ll have guys who show up, but they won’t be that good. We’ll say offensive depth. Actually fuck it, let’s just say goaltending.
Weakness: well, where do we start. Lack of top talent could be it. Outside of goaltending, the Flames don’t really have much to offer or many names to be scared of. They’ll make a few games interesting, but they won’t win more than 15.
GM: Yesse
Dallas Stars
Starting Lineup:
LW: Bean (SUCCME).
C: Yesse.
RW: Grammy.
LD: RoyalKC.
RD: UltimateGamer.
G: Chadkillz.
After a 15 game winning streak at the end of last season, the Hawks lost 4 of 7 games in the playoffs and their woes forced them out of Chicago and into Dallas. Yesse and Grammy paired with Bean to create a top line with organic chemistry, with a defensive pair who has played together for years. Add Chad into the mix and you have one of the most talented starting lines of this season. They have some decent backup forwards in Sidd, Mister H, and Serg, while the rookie IceCold will look to prove himself.
Strength: this starting line is enough to make anybody quiver. Their combination of defensive ability with scoring prowess will make the potential Threepeat Vezina winner Chad’s life in net that much easier than it already is.
Weakness: defensive depth. IceCold is Jesse’s real life best friend and the only reason he’s on this team. As he is the only defender aside from Royal and Gamer (neither of who have full availability), they will have to rely on their top 6 a lot.
Nashville Predators
GM: Redconcept
Starting Lineup:
LW: Ivan.
C: BK.
RW: Yeap.
LD: Beaster.
RD: Red.
G: Marek.
Overview: after a few seasons away from being a GM, Redconcept has returned to a position of authority within SP and has drafted a well balanced team. Resigning Yeap and taking BK first overall has formed a dynamic 1-2 punch while Ivan will fill out that top line quite well. Marek is a great goalie and the duo of Red and Beaster will provide some relief. Having Pucky and Topshot as backup forwards doesn’t hurt, but the issues may become visible with their backup defenders.
Strength: this team is quite deep offensively, and I don’t think there is a lineup they throw out there that doesn’t have a chance to win games. Red drafted some solid scorers that will
Weakness: while having BK and Yeap will do some damage up front, there may be some issues with defense. Red isn’t playing on his natural side, while Devon and Danger aren’t the most solid options to support a high risk offense.
Vancouver Canucks
GM: Sedinpower
Starting Lineup:
LW: althewall.
C: Tommy.
RW: Bstie.
LD: Uber.
RD: Sedin.
G: Sliyum.
Overview: The most prolific player in SP history returns as a GM as Sedinpower returns to the West and hasn’t lost a step in building a team. This team has multiple Hart winners and Conn Smythe winners, with a very strong back-end in Uber, Sedin, and Sliyum supporting a top line of Bstie, Tommy, and rookie althewall (LGAHL star). Turtle will backup Slim while Bergy will backup Uber, with sniper and Christboyz as backup forwards when needed.
Strength: everything. This is an incredibly strong team, with a multitude of Vezina caliber goalies, Norris level defenders, and potential Art-Ross winners on their roster. Anything less than the top two seeds will be a disappointment.
Weakness: availability may be an issue with Bstie and Tommy, which will force their backup forwards (two rookies) to play more games. While they’ll still have defensive support, their offensive production may not be as strong.
Vegas Golden Knights
GM: FivePointHoes
Starting lineup:
LW: GP.
C: Noodle.
RW: Fish.
LD: Pete.
RD: NJ.
G: Polar.
Overview: Fresh off a finals berth, Five has rebuilt one of the most controversial teams in recent memory, but they are looking for a clean slate and looking to add (another or first, depending on your perspective) a championship to that plate. The talented trio of Fish, God, and NJ bring their boy Noodle into the fold and are filled out with SP veterans Pete and Polar in what will either be a really good team, or a team that will self-destruct and fall apart halfway through the season. Let’s discuss:
Strength: talent. When it comes to pure talent, few rosters will boast this amount of talent. GP and Fish are electrifying forwards, while Pete and NJ are great puck moving defenders who will have this team scoring at will.
Weakness: availability is gonna be dog shit for these guys, as most of them play in another league or just got a new job that will take up their time (congrats, Pete). When the availability drops and if the team starts losing, it will implode.
We are almost upon the ceremonial opening night puck drop on season 34 of the SPNHL, and while some teams might be confident in their abilities (and for good reason), some may be nervous about their potential performance and go into games with an abundance of pressure. That’s not gonna do shit. Go out there, kick ass and have fun. Bust your ass, and you’ll get the job done.
To rookies: make yourselves known. Shoot the shit with people in the Discord and make some friends/some enemies. Submit availability for your team each week and get out there and show them what you got at every chance you get.
To the veterans: let’s make this league great again. Way too much bullshit has happened over the past season, and we’ve got the chance to reshape the identity of the league. Give it the family feel that it once had.
Make sure to tune into www.twitch.tv/thespnhl_media for episodes of SPNHL: Off the Ice! We’ll have a broad variety of guests this season in addition to the usual hoodlums we have hosting the show. We have no idea when we’ll be conducting the show but we will be sure to let you know as soon as we do.
Thank you for taking your time to read this, and I wish everybody the best of luck tomorrow night. We’ll see you on the ice!

• DD.

SPNHL, Season XXXIV, Draft Preview.
 
It is finally here. After a long break, Season 34 is around the corner. There was a bit of chatter about if there would be a new season but after taking out some of the trash and a turn around within our amazing SP community, we made it. We ended the season with the Detroit Red Wings winning it all. Congrats to Reaper and company for winning the cup! Tonight we officially get started and oh it should be a dandy. It has been a fun offseason with two new rules in force, transactions, and swapping of teams.
Who goes 1st? Who goes 2nd? Who goes 3rd? Who goes 4th? Who goes 5th? Who goes 6th? Who is the heck is still reading this? Jokes on you.  Along with new faces in SP, we also have a new first time GM in Ushkilledya. Give that man a round of applause.  Let’s also welcome back 3 past cup winners in DD, Sedin and Redconcept. Lots of changes in teams as well and if you want to know who went where I’d suggest looking it up.
So before we go into the draft preview, let’s talk about these new rules and transactions for any of who don’t follow anything. We have KARMA, that’s right KARMA people. It is a basic point system that allows you some flexibility during tough stretch for being an outstanding GM. We give a team an extra 5 minutes to start the game, good karma. You forfeit a team in the eastern conference finals at the 9 minute mark?  No karma. After so many karma points you can reschedule games and some other cool perks. Maybe even a PICKLEhoodie? MAKE IT PLISK!  The other new rule was new GMS coming in didn’t have to resign a guy who that team had rights to.  They could enter a resign draft pool and take any Free Agent of their choosing.  The results…
Vegas selected Gods3_3plan1
Ottawa selected Truelegend07
Pittsburgh selected Sudzy92
Nashville selected Yeap_93
Let’s talk about this draft tonight. Redconcept and his predators pick 1st and are followed b yPoolmagician and YuhMarvduhman in the top three. Can we all agree Marv needs a new damn name? It’s seriously a pain to type that. Physically hurts me.  So who takes who and who reaches 1st? These are spoilers, im warning you. And the first on the clock isRedconcept and the Nashville Predators select Dirty_Trix_13 Pros: Trix is a sp vet and talented player. Could be a great pair with Yeap if he chooses to play some forward. Con: Mentally can he recover from his meltdown vs Premierplayer and the golden knights?

SPNHL, Season XXXIV, Preview.ThePoolmagician and the Pittsburgh Penguins select x13arzyPros: Barzy is talented on either Offense or defense.  Could be a force with Sudzy. Cons. He has a big mouth and sometimes motivates the other teams to play just a tad better.
xYuhmarvduhmanx and the Philadelphia Flyers select BK0994Pros: Marv and Bk have history. Bk is an exceptional player while on west coast. Cons. Marv is on the team. There are a lot of players hiding in the draft and here’s how I feel the rest of the draftplays out.
Dallas selects Chadkillz
Toronto selects Smokeshowjoe
Dallas selects Shephard-88
Vancouver selects Fishure
Pittsburgh selects Jyuhnnn
Vegas selects Ska-_-Noodle
Detroit selects Kidmoney
This concludes my short Draft Preview session. Tata

Tonight’s draft will begin at 8pm est.  you can follow the draft on our discord.
https://discord.gg/Dh5tnDG
 
Click this link to view the live draft board to keep up with the draft.
 
LIVE DRAFT BOARD LINK
 
Best of Luck tonight guys!!!
 
 
 

Hello everyone, we have two new updates coming for Season 34. First of which is something for our friends who hate Forfeits and the second is something to further help struggling teams in an attempt to continually improve the league competitive balance. But first we will talk about the help towards Forfeits.
Nobody likes forfeits especially me, It is always a sour affair and many times turns good people into children. relationships are strained and league comradery threatened. Forfeits are however a necessary evil. Your time is your time. Nobody has the right to question you when a forfeit is enforced. In the interest of reducing this aspect we will now enforce a team “KARMA” rating.
Karma will be granted to any team who puts the league first. you will be granted the following Karma points.
(1 point) for every min over the league permitted grace period without calling a FF. This clock ends on initially 12 man match up. additional karma is not given if game crashes or players are lost during load up causing a longer wait period.
(5 points) for allowing a team to replace a lost player who is unable to reconnect. (regular season play only)
(1-15 points) Karma Protection *see below*
Karma points will be spent in the following manner.
-reduce a game from a players suspension -15 points.
-Reschedule a game without a forfeit -30 points.
-additional grace time -5 points per 5 min chunk.
Karma points will be LOST on the following. (in addition to GM points)
– Failing to have lines done on time -5 points
– Altering lines after deadline -5 points
– Failing to have stats done on time -5 points per day
– Failing to collect stats from a game -15 points. (being unable to get them).
– unprofessional actions by the team members -5 points (GM points not removed)
– unprofessional actions by the GM -10 points
Points being used or gained must be declared by the GM right away. if you wish to grant 5 or more extra mins to a team it must be declared in the GM chat prior to the grace ending. If a team wishes to spend their points for more time they are to declare it by the mid point of the grace period. for example, if a 9pm game has a grace until 9:10, additional grace must be used by 9:05. If extra time is granted to a team you must declare your permission before 9:10 along with the amount of total time you are willing to earn in karma points. The total amount of time “willing to earn” is not the total amount you will get. You only receive what is used. if you grant 30 extra mins, you will not get 30 points if they only use up 2 mins. you only get 1 point per min they use. After the granted time is used up you can still call a FF and receive the allotted karma points.
*Karma Protection* in the event a team forces extra grace by Spending Karma against you and this extra time applies pressure to your team being able to have all 6 players finish the game before one of your players has to leave, you will be required to provide a screenshot of your starting line up prior to the expiration of the league set grace period (9:10 / 9:55 / 10:40). If you can fulfill this requirement you will be permitted to purchase a reschedule for a reduced cost. (15 points)
15 karma points is granted to each team at the start of the season to protect you from this 1 time. These gifted points do not go toward the Karma total and can not be spent on anything else.
If a team forces you to wait. the key word is “forces” you will be granted 1 Karma Point for every 2 mins and 10 points for a reschedule.
It is a little bit of a read but the idea is to reward teams who are considerate to other teams by protecting them with the same consideration that is not normally given by some teams.
Now the second rule to be added this season is a way to improve the balance of the league. Currently we allow 1 re-sign per team. This in itself is not as balanced as we would like. some top teams have top players as GMs, these GMs also have the ability to re-sign and keep 1 top player. This is very good for top teams. Weaker teams have a great deal more difficulty achieving this. sometimes it is due to not having top players to begin with, some because top players don’t sign back up after finishing on a weaker team and go into hiding leaving the weaker teams with no valuable re-sign options. This makes the job of weaker teams even harder to get out of the hole. we do not need teams to go last to first but we would like to see last place teams finish with records of 20-25 instead of 7-35. Obviously there are way too many variables in play to undermine any actions we take as a league to help teams. some times the human element is too damaging to fix but some strides toward assisting those struggling is still needed. If not to improve league enjoyment for teams commonly in the bottom but to also make those teams worth worrying about by the top teams. So the new rule works as such….
teams will have the option to NOT re-sign a member of their team, but instead sign a player who was released by another team. To achieve this we will ask teams not re-signing a player from their team to declare it the day before Re-signs are named so it is a commitment. They are choosing to do this without knowing who is re-signed. Obviously they can speculate who will be released but they wont know for sure.
Once you declare your intent to not re-sign, you must select one of the other released players. you are not permitted to sign anyone you waived prior to re-signs. This is a Gamble so do not release all of your players if you have doubts. In the Event of more then one team electing to waive their team, the order for selection will be based on the reversed draft order. Where the better team picks before the weaker team. The reason for this is because weaker teams have better draft pick position and this rule is to help strengthen their one re-sign not to swing the bottom teams into a top position. The stronger teams still have a chance to risk their wealth to get a better re-sign if needed.
This is a lot to digest so if you have questions or need clarification please feel free to contact SA_Pliskin on PSN or discord Pliskin#4011

This timeline is based on registered numbers. Last update registrations are at 107. target is 130.
If numbers are strong enough the following will be our timeline,
Reg closure sept 27th
GM selection sept 26th-27th
Re-sign sept 29th
Draft Oct 1st.
If Registration could use a boost we will push everything back 1 week.
Reg closure Oct 4th
GM selection Oct 3rd-4th
Re-sign Oct 6th
Draft Oct 8th.

SPNHL, Season 33 Wrap-Up: Conference Finals, Cup Finals. and Awards!
By: Dirty-Dietrich
Well, this first paragraph might be a little difficult. My GF is describing her dream about us being rulers of the “moooon” and is kinda grabbing my attention. One moment.
Well, it’s been a while, but here we are. One team stands tall, leaving 11 teams in the dust in their pursuit and eventual capture of Championship glory. A grueling two months of hockey riddled with passionate blood-feuds, controversy, tragedy, triumph, and much more have all culminated in 10 players getting Stanley Cup rings. Congratulations to the Detroit Red Wings, President’s Trophy winners and after three hard fought series, the holders of the greatest trophy in the SPNHL.
Season 33 Stanley Cup Winners: Detroit Red Wings.
Season 33 President’s Trophy Winners: Detroit Red Wings.
It was a great season for the Red Wings, as Reap drafted well and maintained one of the most solid cores in the league in a highly competitive Eastern conference. Himself, GP, and LeCupidon formed one of the most impressive forward lines we have seen in recent seasons, with production per player exceeding 40 goals and 100 points. They were supported on defense by Jason A.K.A U1 A.K.A FQ (who got his 3rd cup in 5 seasons or something, guy is building a nice trophy case), and an incredible RD in Smiirk. The Red Wings had solid depth options too, with IzzetChronarch and Cookieman helping out defensively, Betobone playing all over the ice, and Shock_R minding the pipes when needed. But the difference maker came through a trade.
Acquiring Chad was pivotal for the Red Wings, as they solidified their goaltending with a Vezina and even Hart-caliber netminder. Chad played outstanding during the regular season, and his stellar play continued into the post-season. I would tell you more about the numbers, but damn Pliskin changed which stats are displayed on the website so all I can see are his regular season numbers! Oh well. The Red Wings chose Chad as their most valuable player during the playoffs. Congratulations!
Season 33 Conn Smythe winner: chadkillz134.
We’ve covered the winners of Lord Stanley’s cup, but lets take a look at the fates of the three other conference finalists.
Carolina Hurricanes
After dispatching of the offensively dynamic New York Rangers in 5 games in the first round, Uber and the West Carolina Hurricanes seemed poised for a very competitive series against the Red Wings. After the Wings took two of the first three games, the Hurricanes were looking to bounce back and deploy their top line. However, a disputed forfeit in game 4 lead to a premature exit (everybody calm down, behave yourselves). Carolina had a solid top line of Kred, BK, Jayscott, Jamie, Sliyum, and Uber, but unfortunately, schedules conflicted, circumstances arose, and what looked like a trip to the finals turned out to be a trip to the golf course.
Nashville Predators
Nashville held on two a 2-1 lead in the dying seconds of game 7 to advance to the conference finals, as At_Ezz and his gang of veterans showed their resilience. Rich, Slapshotjoe, Stamkos, Vandoos, Legendary, and more showed their grit as they won 4 out of seven two face the Vegas Golden Knights, who were hell bent on returning to the Stanley Cup finals. As they did in the first round, the Nashville squad took the series to seven games. However, they didn’t fare as well as they did in the first round, as the Knights disposed of the Predators in 7 games. Ezz almost wrote his own Cinderella story, as he believed (and had me convinced, too), that his group of vets had what it took to make it to the finals, but ultimately fell a bit short.
Vegas Golden Knights
Vegas had a rocky start to the season, with Sliyum stepping down and Fivepointohh taking over (seemingly out of nowhere), but managed to secure the fourth seed in the conference and disposed of the first-seeded Vancouver Canucks. Vegas had a core of solid players at both ends of the ice including Fox, Prodigy, PP, and Shayne, with many utility players making up the rest of the team. The confidence of the Knights was never in question, and could be one of the main reasons that they were able to survive the attack of the Predators and make it to the Stanley Cup Finals for a second consecutive season. After being victorious last season with an almost entirely different team, the Knights were ready to defend their crown. However, the luck in Vegas wasn’t as good as it was last season, as the Wings eliminated the Knights in 5 games. Vegas was going for their third cup in 7 seasons, but will have to settle for four finals appearances in that time span, with this being their third consecutive. Not too bad.
Alright, now with the post-season wrap up completed, let’s go back to the regular season and talk about the awards! This season, I’m keeping the awards committee anonymous (some people already know) and before you accuse me of selecting them myself: I didn’t. Plisk doesn’t want to do it, I don’t want to do it myself, so we need a system. I may introduce a GM ballot next season for awards selection, so then everybody is at fault!
Let’s talk about the ones that didn’t require voting first.
Season 33 Art Ross Trophy Winner: Kred_14.
Not only did Kred lead all rookies in points, but he also lead the entire league in points with an astounding 164. This is no easy feat given some of the competition that he faced this season, and some of the offensive powerhouses the league had. Not only did he win the Art Ross, he also won…
Season 33 Rocket Richard Winner: Kred_14.
90 goals. Kred lead all players and scored an astounding 90 goals this season, the most since last summer season where Grammyhands score 95. Once again, this is being completed by a rookie in a field with elite scorers such as Grammy, Bean, Deathclown, and more. Kred’s offensive dominance resulted in one of the best regular season performances in quite some time.
Season 33 William M. Jennings Winner: chadkillz134.
Every elite team needs an elite goaltender, and Chad played that part perfectly for the best team in the regular and postseason, letting in the fewest goals out of any goaltender. Over 54 games, the Red Wings only let in 118 goals, with an average of just over 2 goals. In a league where scoring comes at a premium, seeing a team keep that number to such a low one is impressive, and that is virtually impossible without a goalie like Chad.
Season 33 Jack Adams Winner: Reapz2313.
Winning the cup for the first time since season 19, Reaper also wins the Jack Adams trophy, as the owner who completed his GM duties at the highest level, for the first time since season 19. Reap was near the top of the standings all season and pulled off some fantastic trades to make his team even better. He managed to keep this level of talent for the entire season and eventually turned it into a championship ring. Congratulations!
Season 33 NHL Plus-Minus Winner: Reapz2313.
Reap played almost every game for the President’s Trophy winning Detroit Red Wings, playing the wing on an incredibly dangerous top line. Under these circumstances, he thrived and was a league-best +76, the best total in three seasons.
Season 33 King Clancy Winner: Sedinpower.
Even though he didn’t play this season, Sedin remained an active part of the SPNHL community and ran his season-annual predictions contest, winning the award for the outstanding contribution to the SPNHL community! Ushkilledya won it this year, and was the recipient of a $100 PSN card (I believe). Sedin’s legacy in SP is extensive, and this is just another contribution to his ever-growing resume in the league. There’s a reason they call it the Sedinpower National Hockey League.
Now, onto the fun/not so fun ones!
Season 33 Calder Memorial Winner: Kred_14.
He won the Art Ross trophy and the Rocket Richard trophy in his first season in the league. Need we say more?
Season 33 Bill Masterton Winner: ThePoolMagician.
This was a tough one that came down to Peacekeeper and Pool, but Pool narrowly edged out the competition. He faced a tumultuous first season as a GM but always kept his cool and made moves that would better the team. Many GMs who faced the obstacles that he faced would give up, but like Peacekeeper has done so in the past, Pool stuck it out and wins the award for perseverance and dedication to hockey.
Season 33 Lady Byng Memorial Winner: Yesse__.
Yesse’s first season as a GM was a productive one, as he and the Blackhawks were the second seed in the Western Conference. Part of their strong record was Yesse himself, who had another stellar season with 75 points and an astounding 6 penalty minutes. His behaviour off the ice reflects his disciplined style of play on the ice, and has earned him the award for sportsmanship and a high level of play.
Season 33 Frank J. Selke Winner: Servnspike.
Sorry PP! Serv edged you out for the award for forward who best excels at the defensive aspects of the game. Serv is a great shutdown C who wins the majority of his faceoffs (52% of them this season), has a great giveaway to takeaway ratio (sitting just under 2.5:1), and has great positioning at both ends of the ice. He’s always been touted as one of the best defensive forwards, and now has some hardware to prove it.
Season 33 Vezina Trophy Winner: chadkillz134.
We’ve talked about him enough during this article, but Chad retains his crown as the best goalie that the SPNHL has to offer. His play helped the Red Wings win the President’s Trophy, as he only lost 5 games this season and retained a stellar 83.74 save percentage and possessed a GAA of just under 2 to go along with 4 shutouts. After a superb season that helped him deck out his trophy case, expect Chad to maintain his strong play and prove to be one of the all time greats in the SPNHL.
Season 33 Norris Memorial Trophy Winner: The_Real_Pistol
Speaking of all-time greats in the SPNHL, PistolPete changed his name and his game this season, emerging as a very talented offensive defender and taking home the Norris trophy as the best defender in the league for the very first time. Pete’s offensive prowess helped him accumulate 46 assists in 34 games, and added 73 hits with only 20 penalty minutes and 93 takeaways on the defensive front. If Pete keeps pursuing this career path, then we may see his name on the Norris winner list more often than not.
Season 33 Hart Memorial Winner: Iam_mrbean.
Bean has emerged to be one of the premier forwards in this league and was the driving force behind Pittsburgh’s offense this past season, scoring 66 of Pittsburgh’s 185 goals and assisting on another 51. The Penguins had a solid defensive team with fellow award winner Serv, and it was tough to not give this one to Kred, but the contrast in team structures made Bean’s performance that much more impressive and earns him the nod as the most valuable player to his team.
It’s 2:45 on a Wednesday morning. I’m tired as all hell. Congratulations to all the award winners and once again, congratulations to the Stanley Cup Champions, the Detroit Red Wings!
Let’s get ready for season 34! Registration is open and the season is likely to start at the beginning of October. In the meantime, I hope everybody enjoys the rest of the summer, and see you on NHL 20!
Cheers,
-DD.

SPNHL, Season 33: Playoffs! First Round Review, Conference Finals Preview
By: DIrty-Dietrich
“Better luck next time!”
Wow, 0 for 4 for predictions. I really shit the bed, didn’t I? That’s okay. My decisions were influenced by who I believed would win and also by who I didn’t want to win, so maybe there’s a bit of a bias. Fortunately, my opinions don’t matter, and the best teams in each series won, with some series being completely one-sided while others were a bit more competitive and coming down to a missed net in the dying seconds of a game 7 (Barzy missed an open net after scoring on his own, hAtE tO sEe It).
Regardless, we are set for two very competitive conference final matchups with some very intriguing storylines. Uberpwned is on the verge of being the GM of the Eastern Conference champions again, after taking Tampa Bay to the finals last year, while the Season 32 Champions, the Vegas Golden Knights, got a roster overhaul but still made it to the final four on the backs of great play from PP and Prodigy. Reap brings a loaded squad to the ECF as he tries to make the finals for the first time since Season 19 (where he won with the Flyers) and bring GodsPlan to his third final in four seasons, and At_Ezz brought the Predators back to prominence and enters the WCF with a talented forward core consisting of Stamkos, Legendary, Knees, Rich, and SLAPSHOTJOE.
Let’s take a look at how these teams made it past their opponents in the last round, and get some insight from their respective GMs on their success last round and some keys to victory for this round. I just got them to write out stuff because A.) It’s better to have some insight from players who were playing in and/or watched each game of the series, and B.) I just got too lazy to do my own research. We’ll also look at some stats from each team and MAYBE I’ll even get a prediction right!
EASTERN CONFERENCE
Detroit Red Wings (1) vs. Pittsburgh Penguins (4)
After dropping the first game of the series to the Penguins 5-3, the Red Wings went on a tear and outscored their opponents 18-3 over the course of the next 4 games, with LeCupdion assisting on 9 of their 21 goals in the series. Chad and Shock both played very well between the pipes, with both goalies averaging under 1.8 goals per game and a save percentage above 85%.
About his team’s first round play, Reap said: “Things we did well: we played as a team and moved the puck. We stayed out of the penalty box and killed off penalties. Also, we took it one game at a time.”
Kudos to the Penguins, but for Lomax and Pliskin, is it time to shed the Pittsburgh skin and find a new home without first round playoff woes?
Carolina Hurricanes (2) vs. New York Rangers (3)
In a series that would ultimately be decided by connection, the Hurricanes used their home ice advantage to perfection. The Canes took the first two games by a cumulative score of 18-3, taking advantage of their connection advantage. They won game three, and after New York took game 4, they finished it off at home with a 3-1 victory. Jamie and Uber did a good job of shutting down the dynamic duo of Deathclown and Cohen, while their own dynamic duo of Kred and BK went to work, scoring 21 goals over the course of 5 games.
Regarding his team’s first round success, Uber stated: “Everything went well last round. We needed to win at least 1 east game to give us a shot, and we shut down deathclown and nehxc, which was a bonus.”
After Scalz’s best finish in SP to date, a disappointing first round exit may leave him going back to the drawing board in search of a new strategy for next season.
WESTERN CONFERENCE
Vancouver Canucks (1) vs. Vegas Golden Knights (4)
I had a bit of an invested interest in this series, as it was my former team going up against the reigning champions. I thought the Canucks would have it in the bag, but Vegas shocked a lot of people and upset the first seed in the Western Conference. After forfeiting game one, the Knights beat the Canucks in four straight games to take the series. Steelersfan kept the Canucks to just 5 goals, stopping 54 of their 59 shots while there was all around offensive contributions from Shayne, PP, Prodigy, and Daf.
Fivepointohh on his team’s first round victory: “We played really well defensively”. Thanks Five. Braun Strowman looking mafucka
After a strong regular season (riddled with problems and controversy by the season’s end), how will Triix and the Canucks respond? *Spoiler alert: he stepped down. RIP*
Chicago Blackhawks (2) vs. Nashville Predators (3)
What a roller coaster of a series this was! The Predators dropped the first two games of this series by a cumulative score of 7-1, Nashville proceeded to beat Chicago in their next three games. Chicago fought back from the brink of elimination to force a game seven, but Nashville held on to a 2-1 lead to take the series. Somewhat of an underdog, the Predators relied on a solid defensive structure to shut down the offensively overpowered Blackhawks. While Rich had 12 points in 6 games, he’ll need some stronger offensive support in this next series.
Ezz commented on his team’s first round: “Well last round, we started off 0-2 and found a way to pull 1 game out of 3 the first night . With stamkos returning off suspension that also helped our offense/defense to get back in rhythm to finish the series off.”
Yesse’s first season in Chicago was a successful one, and if there’s anything I know about, it’s having high expectations in your first season as a GM and falling in the first round. A few seasons later, you win a cup. Stay optimistic.
SECOND ROUND
EASTERN CONFERENCE FINALS:
Detroit Red Wings (1) vs. Carolina Hurricanes (3)
Team: Detroit Red Wings.
Playoff Record: 4-1.
Leading Scorer: Reapzzzzzz.
Goals scored: 21 (Rank: 2).
Goals against: 8 (Rank: 2).
Powerplay Percentage: 38.1 (Rank: 1)
Penalty kill Percentage: 83.3 (Rank: 2)
We talked about X-Factors, starting lineups, strengths and weaknesses last round, so we won’t get too in depth with that shit. Let’s talk about what this team needs to do to win.
Recipe for Success: According to Reap, the Red Wings need to do the “Same thing: stick to our game style. Play defensive when needed and bring our offensive game, and for our goalies to keep playing solid in net, as they have been all season”.
He’s right. This is a battle between two high powered offensive teams, and this will turn into a Gunfight at the O.K. Corral if the defense doesn’t step up. The Red Wings have a bevy of talent on their blue line, and if deployed properly, will be able to shut the Hurricanes down. As long as they prioritize a solid team-defense, they’ll reduce the high-percentage scoring opportunities against their goalies and take the series.
Team: Carolina Hurricanes.
Playoff Record: 4-1.
Leading Scorer: Kred.
Goals scored: 27 (Rank: 1).
Goals against: 11 (Rank: 3).
Powerplay Percentage: 10 (Rank: 3)
Penalty kill Percentage: 66.7 (Rank: 4)
Recipe for Success: Uber kept his answer to this one short and sweet: “I believe we are gonna need to win 1 east game as well this series, and we need to keep playing D and shutting down the forwards.”
Kinda sounds like a broken record/hockey 101 at this point, but this is what you need to do against a very strong offensive squad, and it’s a battle of two of the best at this point. Sure, Kred and BK are leading an offensive core that is averaging more than 5 goals a game, but that can only do so much if you’re ignoring your defensive responsibilities against a team that boasted three players who scored over 100 points in the regular season. That connection will play a factor as well, so as long as Carolina can win a game on East connection, which is what Detroit will be winning, they should win their three home games prior to game seven and take the series.
The Verdict: I think that the Red Wings have more depth than the Hurricanes, that’s for sure. If anything, Carolina needs to play their backup players in the first or second game, and then let their top line ride out the series. From there, the Canes can deploy their top line on West connection and shift the momentum in their direction and never look back. In a battle of two juggernauts, the Motor City will fall.
Prediction: Hurricanes in 6.
WESTERN CONFERENCE FINALS:
Nashville Predators (3) vs. Vegas Golden Knights (4)
Team: Nashville Predators.
Playoff Record: 4-3.
Leading Scorer: Rich2K8.
Goals scored: 15 (Rank: 3).
Goals against: 16 (Rank: 4).
Powerplay Percentage: 0 (Rank: 4)
Penalty kill Percentage: 100 (Rank: 1)
Recipe for Success: After an exhausting series, Ezz looks forward to these next potential seven games with a confident perspective: “This round, if we continue to apply the pressure and come out striking like we did at the end of round 1 we will be the team to beat. There’s a lot of doubts about this team, looking at all the predictions, but I drafted these guys for situations like this. I have a team full of vets and Cup winners on this team that know what it takes to win, which is a plus for the Predators. Vegas has a nice core group of guys, but the Predators have depth and flexibility on our roster. I can move guys in different positions to go against any one GM or any adjustment that any GM makes against us. Trust me when I say this: we are coming full force and I promise you, if you sleep, slack or play with us, we will beat you. You have to beat us in 7 and don’t think there’s a team this season who can beat us in 7 with my depth and the vets on my roster.”
Rich and Stamkos are both former Conn Smythe winners with multiple Cups under their belt, while the rest of the Predators are no strangers to championship glory or playoffs nontheless. Vegas has a strong roster, but Ezz makes a great point about the versatility and depth of his roster. He’s got four forwards who have the potential to blow a game wide open, and will be counting on them to deliver in what looks to be a veranaly competitive series against the Knights.
Team: Vegas Golden Knights.
Playoff Record: 4-1.
Leading Scorer: PP.
Goals scored: 11 (Rank: 4).
Goals against: 6 (Rank: 1).
Powerplay Percentage: 10 (Rank: 3)
Penalty kill Percentage: 83.3 (Rank: 2)
Recipe for Success: FivepointBraun kept his analysis short and sweet: “next series we need to get pucks in the back of the net which has been an issue all season”.
Out of the remaining playoff teams, they are the lowest scoring team. However, that’s their only main concern, as their defense and goaltending have been stellar thus far. Prodigy and PremierPlayer are no offensive slouches by far, and if they can form a solid starting line while Fox and co. hold down the back end, they will have plenty of solid scoring opportunities stemming from puck movement and fast breakouts. If they can convert on those opportunities, it will be game over for the Predators and back to back finals berths for the Golden Knights.
The Verdict: this one is a tough one for me. The Knights disposed of the Canucks in such an easy fashion, but the Predators had a very difficult matchup against the Blackhawks. Vegas can be a very frustrating team to play against, but the depth and experience of the Predators will ensure that no matter how frustrated they get, they will keep their cool and keep attacking. I was gonna go with Vegas on this one, but Ezz’s passionate speech made me change my mind.
Prediction: Predators in 7.
These next two nights will set the foundation for what should be a very interesting Stanley Cup Finals matchup, no matter which two teams make it. The offensive clash of the east will breed a finalist that will be in stark contrast to the gritty Western Conference champion that will be decided. There probably won’t be any blowout victories over the course of the next two nights, just some great games of hockey. So, for the love of all that is good, somebody stream! It makes it easier to do an in-depth analysis as opposed to just hoping the numbers tell the story.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WFoC3TR5rzI
So, for the remaining four teams, I wish you the best of luck! GIve it your best, and be ready to go for at least one more week following this one. Whoever wants it more is gonna get it, so don’t be afraid to get your hands dirty and get aggressive on the ice, but don’t be reckless. This is playoff hockey we’re talking about. Your team needs all hands on deck if you want to win the Stanley Cup.
Good luck everybody, we’ll see you on the ice!
-DD.

SPNHL: Season 33: Playoff Preview.
By: Dirty-Dietrich.
It’s been a while, hasn’t it? How have you been? Me? Oh, I’ve been good I guess. Just working two jobs over three different locations while trying to spend some time with my long distance girlfriend as she resides here for the summer. She’s playing RDR2 on the couch while I’m jamming “Ænima” by Tool and writing this out. Man, Hooker with a Penis is a fucking banger, eh?
Regardless, this season has been two months of hard work, shit talking, controversy, and so much more. We’ve seen rookies break out and win scoring titles (congrats, Kred), we’ve seen GMs step down and pass on the bullshit of owning just to own it between the pipes (sup Sliyum?), and we’ve seen overrated players get traded from a playoff team to a basement dweller (that’s me, sorry Marv). The summer season of the SPNHL is always an exhausting one, as it is an endurance test in comparison to the usual sprint of the standard five week seasons. At the end of these two months, eight teams have withstood the pressure and find themselves one step closer to contending for the Cup.
I wanted to say thank you to Serg, Pool, and PGH for their efforts this season, as they all experienced the difficulties of being a GM of a losing team and finished out the season with their respective teams. The Caps, Bruins, and Kings will be teams to watch out for if they draft properly. Marv, I left you out because we’re coming back next season and if we don’t make the playoffs, I’m going on a road trip and ending up in jail. Be warned.
ANYWAYS… with the pleasantries towards the teams who missed the playoffs out of the way, let’s take a look at our first round matchups and see what each team brings to the table. We’re gonna be looking at their strengths and weaknesses, as well as their X-factors and what they’ll need to do to beat their opponent. This may drum up a bit of an argument, but whatever, when do these articles not?
Let’s start with the Eastern Conference! Let me get a drink first. It’s hotter than hell in my apartment.
EASTERN CONFERENCE
Detroit Red Wings (1) vs. Pittsburgh Penguins (4)
Team: Detroit Red Wings.
GM: Reapzzzzzzzzzzzz.
Regular Season Record: 40-10-4 (President’s Trophy).
Leading Scorer: Reapzzzzzzzzzzzz.
X-Factor: LeCupidon.
Starting Lineup:
LW: LeCupidon.
C: GodsPlan.
RW: Reapzzzzzzzzzzzz.
LD: Jason/U1/Faaa_Kueue.
RD: Smiirk.
G: ChodeKillz.
Strength: offense. This is a team who dismantled opponents with a five pronged offensive attack. They had their top line all crack 100 points for the first time in a season since the Four Horsemen in Dallas, and have a very talented playmaker with a natural finisher on that top line. With a pair of puck moving defenders at their disposal, they’re going to be a hard team to deal with in a seven game series.
Weakness: tough one. Maybe defensive depth? It was really hard to pick here, but I think if Smiirk and Jason aren’t playing, this team’s defensive options aren’t that strong. Izzet is a decent defender, but Betobone and Cookie aren’t the strongest options and won’t be playing forward anytime soon. Although they have to be played, the need to be played sporadically and with a strong partner.
Recipe for Success: offensive pressure. The Red Wings need to continue to do what they have all season, and apply offensive pressure. They need to take risks, exploit holes, and capitalize on the opportunities provided by mistakes Pittsburgh may make. If they do get caught, they have an award winning goalie in net to bail them out.
Team: Pittsburgh Penguins.
GM: Lomax.
Regular Season Record: 30-18-6.
Leading Scorer: Iam_mrbean.
X-Factor: Serv (sorry Bean, but this guy is one of those dangerous motherfuckers who turns it on come playoff time).
Starting Lineup:
LW: Iam_mrbean.
C: Francey/ChinesePeen.
RW: Serv.
LD: Lomax.
RD: Gohawks.
G: Pliskin.
Strengths: variety. When I look at that top line, I see one of the most underrated players in the league, a top-tier defensive forward, and a centre with great playmaking ability. You’ve got solid offensive options and defensive options that are just as good. This will be a tough team to beat, and with great depth options in Kopitar and Visibility, they will be competitive in each game they play.
Weaknesses: defense. So, this one was a little bit easier. Gohawks is still a great shutdown defender, but his partner has been inconsistent throughout this season. It was Pete for a few weeks, but eventually became Execution, who is having a rough season. With Lomax stepping in on his off side, this brings up even more questions and may be their downfall in a seven game series against the President’s Trophy winners.
Recipe for Success: team defense. The forwards may have to compensate for the astounding offensive pressure the Red Wings apply, and there aren’t many better than Francey and Serv to handle that pressure. If they can force turnovers and let the explosive Mrbean drive the breakout, the Penguins may surprise a lot of people and eliminate the reigning regular season champs.
Prediction: Penguins in 7.
Not much insight into this one. I just like pissing Chad off.
Carolina Hurricanes (2) vs. New York Rangers (3)
Team: Carolina Hurricanes.
GM: Uberpwned.
Regular Season Record: 38-13-3.
Leading Scorer: Kred.
X-Factor: Sliyum.
Starting Lineup:
LW: Jayscott.
C: BK.
RW: Kred.
LD: JamieBenn.
RD: UberPwned.
G: Sliyum.
Strength: offense. While Carolina doesn’t have as many of their offensive weapons that they held at the beginning of the season, they arguably have a more well-rounded lineup that will present them with an opportunity to advance very far in these playoffs. Kred and BK are both point producing machines, but the rest of their team are no slouches and will provide offensive support to the dynamic duo of West Carolina.
Weakness: defensive depth. This is my new cop out answer. Past Uber and Jamie, this team does not boast a load of natural defenders. Sportsgeek is better suited in net than at D, while Embryo, Thomas, and Mikita are all forwards. If Uber and Jamie can play all 6, they’ll be fine. Otherwise, they’re taking a risk which, much like Detroit, they can afford in front of a world-class goalie.
Recipe for Success: breakouts. Sliyum may want to consider playing the puck a bit more, as Uber and Jamie both have the ability to make great breakout passes that will catch the Rangers’ defense sleeping, allowing Kred and BK to blow past them and make magic happen. Especially against a team with a strong forecheck like the Rangers, this will be crucial.
Team: New York Rangers.
GM: Scalz.
Regular Season Record: 37-15-2.
Leading Scorer: Deathclown.
X-Factor: Cohen.
Starting Lineup:
LW: Deathclown.
C: Cohen.
RW: MG.
LD: Shepard.
RD: Noto.
G: Ciulla.
Strength: offense. It seems like this one is gonna be the battle of the dynamic duos, as last season’s Conn Smythe winner in Cohen is paired with a Hart favourite this season in Deathclown for a very dangerous LW/C tandem. With RW options in either MG or Neeposh, expect these seven games to be a shootout filled with one timers and L2 dekes. Just step up and hammer the fuckers!
Weakness: goaltending. Sorry Ciulla, but your season hasn’t been so good 🙁 The Rangers have netminders battling for the top spot in Ciulla and Shitterboyz, but history has shown the Ciulla is a solid playoff goaltender and may turn his regular season woes into postseason success. However, if the regular season play continues into the playoffs, this will be the downfall of the Rangers.
Recipe for Success: defensive structure. Many people give Death and Cohen shit for their defensive ability, but if they can shut down the zone with a Norris candidate in Shep, they’ll prevent the Hurricanes from surging in their zone and will frustrate the Carolina squad. Frustrated teams make stupid mistakes, and the Rangers will need to capitalize on those in order to take the series.
Prediction: Rangers in 7.
The Clown has toiled in playoff mediocrity for far too long. This is the season where he proves himself in the postseason. Having two former Conn Smythe winners on your team doesn’t hurt either.
WESTERN CONFERENCE
Vancouver Canucks (1) vs. Vegas Golden Knights (4)
Team: Vancouver Canucks.
GM: Diirty-Triix.
Regular Season Record: 37-9-7.
Leading Scorer: Diirty-Triix.
X-Factor: Daddy_Entry
Starting Lineup:
LW: Beaster.
C: Triix.
RW: Fluri.
LD: Redconcept.
RD: Dominando.
G: Daddy_Entry.
Strength: goaltending. The Canucks were blessed with solid goaltending from the getgo scoring Chad and Red in the draft, but after moving Chad, Entry stepped up to take over the backup role, and eventually moved into the starting role while Red moved up to defense. When Entry can’t play, Red will play, and the Canucks can skate confidently knowing their goalies will bail them out of sticky situations in the defensive zone.
Weakness: offensive depth. Aside from Triix and Fluri, the offensive options on this team aren’t the greatest. Beast has had a decent season, but forwards like Anzzo, Duhaime, and Frankjones don’t pack the offensive punch one would require in the playoffs. They’ll have to rely on their top line to produce if this team wants to make it out of the first round.
Recipe for Success: puck movement. Triix is excellent at driving the puck into the zone, but teams will notice this and collapse on him, often positioning two defenders on him. If he can move that puck to Fluri, a talented playmaker, they will be able to open up the lanes a bit more and engage in a dangerous cycle that more often than not will lead to a goal. Keep that going, and the series belongs to Vancouver.
Team: Vegas Golden Knights.
GM: FivePointOhhh.
Regular Season Record: 28-23-3.
Leading Scorer: PremierPlayer.
X-Factor: ProdigytoLegend.
Starting Lineup:
LW: Prodigy.
C: PP.
RW: Freeze.
LD: Fox.
RD: Shayne.
G: Dafoumanchew.
Strength: defense. I still believe Fox is one of the best defenders on this game, and having a partner in Shayne isn’t a bad way to compliment a former Norris winner. Having a strong defensive centre in PP adds to the already imposing control they hold over the neutral zone, and prevent pucks from entering their zone. With teamrun as a backup option, this team will be solid in their own end for this series.
Weakness: right wing. Kinda hyper-specific, but besides Oduya (who is on IR), this team has no natural right wing. If Shayne moves up to play, there will be a hole on RD that won’t be easily filled, especially against the top seed in the conference. Freeze is a natural left wing who may not feel as comfortable on the right side, which will likely be the side that the Canucks pressure the most.
Recipe for Success: forecheck. Vegas has a core of forwards who will attack the puck carrier and, more often than not, generate an offensive opportunity out of it. If Freeze and PP can attack and make room for Prodigy to utilize his playmaking skills, then the Golden Knights will not have a hard time scoring goals and will have no problem taking this series.
Prediction: Canucks in 7.
Entry told me he would emasculate me if I predicted otherwise. That’s okay, my GF did that a long time ago. I also think the Canucks have the overall stronger team.
Chicago Blackhawks (2) vs. Nashville Predators (3)
Team: Predators.
GM: Yesse.
Regular Season Record: 33-17-4.
Leading Scorer: Grammyhands.
X-Factor: PistolPete.
Starting Lineup:
LW: Micro.
C: Yesse.
RW: Grammy.
LD: Pistol.
RD: Barzy.
G: Rancher.
Strength: momentum. The Blackhawks enter the playoffs on a 15 game win streak, after going 18-17-4 through their first 39 games. This is a combination of great trades, players reaching potential, and chemistry clicking at just the right time. IMO, this team is my pick to win the whole thing. I’ve won a cup with Rancher and Grammy before, and both players elevate their game when it matters most.
Weakness: expectations? IDK, I got nothing for them. The only players on the team who aren’t solid are wheelchairdevon and MooCow, but given they only need to be played a game each, they won’t have too much of an impact. A lot of people see this team coming out of the West, and the possibility of them folding under pressure is very real. It happened to Pete and Yesse before, so fuckem! Maybe it can happen again!
Recipe for Success: whatever the hell they’ve been doing for 15 games. You’ve got two solid puck moving defenders who can break the puck out to two incredibly dynamic forwards, all while you have an excellent goaltender backstopping you. This is something that you do not change, and if you don’t, not only will it take you out of this round, but also potentially to the finals.
Team:Nashville Predators.
GM: At_Ezz.
Regular Season Record: 31-22-1.
Leading Scorer: Rich2K8.
X-Factor: BrokeTheDam/Knees.
Starting Lineup:
LW: Legendary.
C: Rich2K8.
RW: BrokeTheDam.
LD: SlapShotJoe.
RD: Stamkos.
G: Vandoos.
Strength: offense. Another dynamic offensive team, Rich and Stamkos can alternate between C and RD depending how each are doing and provide great offensive support no matter what position they are in. With two high scoring wingers like Legendary and BroketheDam, this team will have no problems finding the back of the net in this series.
Weakness: goaltending. Sorry Vandoos! While Vandoos and Fivestar had respectable regular season numbers, both goalies have struggled in the playoffs in recent seasons (with the exception of Five’s season 30 SCF run). History may repeat itself as Vandoos and Fivestar may fall apart under the offensive pressure that the Blackhawks will apply.
Recipe for Success: team defense. Against an offensive juggernaut like this Chicago team, this team will need to play safe and passive and take advantage of the mistakes that Chicago may make as they try to generate offensive opportunities. They’ll need to utilize their speed and catch the Blackhawks off guard if they want to win games and move within eight wins of the Stanley Cup.
Prediction: Blackhawks in 5.
Pete paid me to say this. I also think this team is gonna win the Cup. Who knows?
I forgot how long these things take, jesus. It’s 1:30 in the morning and I’m tired but I am genuinely looking forward to this postseason. It will feel weird not playing in it but I wish nothing but the best to all teams involved and I’m looking forward to some good playoff hockey.
These next three weeks will separate the cream from the crop, the wheat from the chaff, the contenders from the pretenders, and any other separation cliche you want to use. Bust your ass, bring all you’ve got to every game, and maybe you and your team will leave with some bragging rights and a little bit of virtual hockey glory.
I wish everybody the best of luck, and might even do this again next week!
-DD.

SPNHL, Season 33: Week Two Power Rankings
By: Dirty-Dietrich.
So it seems like Entry and I are going to take turns doing articles. We’ll bring you the players of the week and the power rankings on alternating weeks. WE HAVE LIVES, YOU KNOW.
(I’m just a lazy fuck and he’s a big UFC fan)
As we look at the standings two weeks into the season, our preseason projections are not showing too much validity. Teams that we projected to finish at the top of the standings are sitting at the bottom with less than 10 points in 18 games, while a team we projected to be basement dwellers are pacing their conference. This game is unpredictable and the personalities are explosive, so you never know what will happen.
Two weeks can say a lot about a team: teams can dominate and only lose in regulation once over 18 games (what up Van City), teams can have a very poor first week and end the second week on a 6 game win streak (the Preds are on the prowl), or teams can conversely average 4.5 points a week and score less than 2.25 goals per game (sorry Beantown). Generating momentum in the first half is crucial, and can derail your entire season if you can’t do so.
So, let’s take a look at the standings after two weeks of play. We’ll look at the trajectory of teams, their MVP after two weeks, and if needed, suggest any moves that need to be made. Meh, who am I to make recommendations, I’m only a Stanley cup winning and President’s Trophy winning GM, right? In all seriousness, this should be a very competitive season, so let’s start by taking a look at the Eastern Conference, and a team that is defying everyone’s expectations.
EASTERN CONFERENCE
1. Pittsburgh Penguins.
Points: 27.
Last 10: 8-1-1. (Won 1)
MVP: MrBean.
At the beginning of this season, we said this team would be decent but wouldn’t be special, and boy were we wrong. Pittsburgh bested their first week point total of 12 by getting 15 points in a 7-1-1 week. Their numbers are decent, as they are 2nd and 3rd in most categories and winning those close games. MrByng/Bean is fourth in the league for points with 25 goals (2nd) and 20 assists (5th), and is leading the offensive charge for this team. Pliskin has been holding down the fort in net, and while Pistol was their best defender, moving him to Chicago for Exe and Francey may pay off, or may be their demise.
2. Detroit Red Wings
Points: 26.
Last 10: 6-4-0. (Won 3)
MVP: LeCupidon.
The Red Wings are like, one of the only teams that are in the position we projected them to be in. They have an incredibly strong team who have a chance to climb to the top of the standings with their explosive offense (their 72 goals lead the league) and have a core of strong defenders. Reap’s resigning of Cupidon has paid off in spades as he leads the league with 32 assists and is third in points playing on a line with Reap and GP. I see no weaknesses in this team, and see them being a favourite to win the cup after picking up a solid goalie in Chadkillz.
3. West Carolina Hurricanes (Get it? Like North and South but…)
Points: 24.
Last 10: 6-4-0. (Lost 2)
MVP: Bidou.
Well, maybe we weren’t so wrong after all! The Hurricanes are in third in a stacked conference and have already made big moves to strengthen their team with the acquisition of former cup winning GM SliyumShady. Their defense has had a rotation of different defenders with the exception of Uber, but their second in the league ranked offense has been one solid duo of Kred and their MVP Bidou, who leads the league in goals with 26 and is shooting at an insane 61.9%. By acquiring BK, their West top line is complete and if they can solidify RD, have a legit chance of winning the cup this season.
4. New York Rangers.
Points: 21.
Last 10: 6-3-1. (Won 2)
MVP: Deathclown.
Actually, we’re not doing too bad! The Rangers are doing a little better than last season, and found themselves in the middle of a tight eastern conference, but sit comfortably ahead of the other two teams in this conference. Their first overall pick is not living up to expectations (sorry Deon), but the Rangers are seeing contributions from all members of their team, including their captain DeathClown who has scored 24 of their 59 goals. Clown needs somebody else to help him dominate the offense, and the Rangers have numerous solid players that they could package for another dynamic forward.
5. Boston Bruins.
Points: 9.
Last 10: 3-4-3. (Lost 1).
MVP: Stonerboy.
PoolMagician’s first season as a GM has been a very tough one, as we foretold it to be, but he has made some great moves to give Boston a chance to move up within the standings. They need to start scoring goals, as their 40 goals for sit at the bottom of the league. Having top talents like Barzy, Fluri, and their MVP Stoner (who is leading their team with 18 points, but his 1.8 PPG is a far cry from last season’s numbers) should be enough to kickstart their offense, and picking up Shadow to play net (who is also having a lackluster season) solidifies a top 6 who can help this team rise from the ashes.
6. Washington Capitals.
Points 7.
Last 10: 1-8-1. (Lost 4).
MVP: Fuck, IDK, Koz? Nah, let’s go with Frank.
The Capitals took a hit very early on as they lost Jmarz to some family issues within the first two days. Then, the availability bug bit, as one of their top forwards has only played 8 out of 18 games. Then, they have been a victim of poor goaltending (well done, Shadow <3) as they pace the league with 85 goals against. Stiivii and Ransom have played well at both ends of the ice (and in net), while Frank has lead the team with 15 assists as the one constant at forward. If they can get all their top players available on a more consistent basis, the Capitals can turn things around and it won’t be hard.
WESTERN CONFERENCE
1. Vancouver Canucks?
Points: 30.
Last 10: 7-1-2.
MVP: Triix for pulling off the Chad trade, fuck me.
Now, we thought we were gonna suck at the beginning of the season, as we played like shit in warmies. HOWEVER, we’re first in the league! A good team defense structure has allowed us to allow just over 2 goals against per game (fewest against in the league), while we’re averaging just under 3.5 goals a game. Entry, Red, Beaster, Marc (who has been lights out since we acquired him from Minnesota), and Triix, who leads the team 19 goals and 18 assists, have all been excellent for us. Now, it’s about maintaining the momentum we’ve built up and keeping our spot at the top.
2. Nashville Predators.
Points: 22.
Last 10: 9-1-0. (Won 6)
MVP: Stamkos.
Nashville is treading the water that Entry predicted them to be in, as they turned things around from a disastrous first week to win 9 of their last 10 and are riding a 6 game win streak. Their numbers aren’t too impressive, as they have allowed the most goals in the conference with 60, but the games that they are winning have been incredibly competitive and not blowouts by any means. Stamkos has played every game for the Preds and while Legendary leads the team in goals, Stammer’s 19 assists have him a part of more than a third of his team’s goals. If the Preds can improve their defense and goaltending (which they did by picking up Rich), they can be a legit contender.
3. Los Angeles Kings.
Points: 19.
Last 10: 3-5-2. (Lost 2)
MVP: Ages.
Los Angeles is a very defensive team, as they will block damn near every shot that you throw on net. It works for them though, as a lot of people thought this team would be near the bottom of the league but they find themselves with the 4th fewest goals against in the league (40), while also having the 2nd fewest goals for (43). MG leads the team in points, while Ages (AgedEmbryo/AgesQuod) leads the team with 16 assists and has contributed a bit more on the offensive side. If he played a bit more, L.A. would score a little bit more and will likely stay a playoff team.
4. Chicago Blackhawks.
Points: 18.
Last 10: 4-4-2 (Lost 1 in OT).
MVP: Grammy (miss you <3).
Chicago is underperforming significantly but still finds themselves in a playoff spot, but recently made a big trade by sending Exe and Francey to Pittsburgh for JMM, Rowan, and PistolPete. This move acquired a solid left wing to play on that top line in JMM, and acquired the leading scorer on defense to play with Eskimo. Yesse leads the team in assists, while Grammy leads the team in goals with 18 and in points with 34. With the new additions to the team, I expect the Hawks to ascend the ranks of this conference and get themselves in good position for a playoff run.
5. Vegas Golden Knights.
Points: 17.
Last 10: 3-7-0 (Lost 3).
MVP: Lil’ PP (Premier).
Speaking of underperforming, the Golden Knights are not following up last year’s cup victory with the strongest of seasons, but have faced many obstacles within their first two weeks. The Knights aren’t giving up many goals, as they are tied for second in the league in goals against, but aren’t scoring many either, as their 46 goals are the fourth lowest. Premier has over a third of the Knights’ goals with 17 to go with 17 assists, but will need more significant contributions from Prodigy, Fox, Shayne, and more if he wants to win not only the Calder trophy, but the Stanley Cup trophy.
6. Minnesota Wild.
Points: 14.
Last 10: 3-6-1. (Won 1)
MVP: Trout (maybe I picked all my faves, fuck it).
Well, this has been a fun season, eh Vinny? After starting out with one of the stronger teams in the conference, Minnesota fell apart through some trades that didn’t work out, some players tending to family stuff, and just overall bad luck. While all is not lost for the WIld, they’ve been struggling in the Western Conference but have made moves to give themselves a competitive roster with Aali, Extendo, and their MVP Trout, who has 8 goals and 14 assists on an offensively challenged team. Will Minnesota turn it around? Time will tell, and they better or I think Marvin might go postal.
Well, we were closer with our Eastern conference predictions, but we weren’t horribly wrong with our West predictions. However, we’re only two weeks into the season and anything can happen. Who knows? Maybe Detroit will crumble and fall out of the playoffs, and maybe Vancouver will sink to the basement where we belong while Vegas will reclaim the throne of the Western conference. This is all just hypothetical, but you never know when a hypothesis will turn into reality.
Not too sure if Off the Ice is happening this weekend (I’ll be cottage bound!), but Entry will likely be following up next week with a Players of the Week article! If you tip him a but of money, he might put your name in the article. However, if you play lights out and just fucking go off next week, Entry will have no choice but to put you into the article. Okay? Okay.
Have a great week, everyone, and we’ll see you on the ice!
-DD.