www.THESPNHL.com

Recap

Boys, if you thought the Blues could hang with the Panthers, I’ve got a bridge to sell ya. It was a slaughterhouse out there, and the Panthers brought the cleavers. Shoresy here, ready to break it down for ya, so grab a beer, and let’s get chirpin’.

First Period: Both teams started out slower than a turtle on a Sunday stroll. Zilch, nada, nothing on the scoreboard. You could’ve heard a pin drop in the arena, if it weren’t for the sound of the Panthers’ sticks clashing and clanging with the Blues. The Panthers’ defense, led by Alpha-33x and GUTLESS-I53I, was tighter than a gnat’s chuff, shutting down every half-baked attempt the Blues could muster.

Second Period: Still nothing! I’ve seen more action in a retirement home bingo night. Popeskill, the Panthers’ goalie, was just chillin’ in the crease, probably thinking about what toppings he wants on his pizza later. The Blues had about as much luck scoring as Big Sexy. It was all setting the stage for the final act, though, where the real fun began.

Third Period: This is where it got juicy, boys. The Panthers decided they had enough of this pillow fight and started throwing bombs. IamTwistxd opened the scoring with a beauty, making the Blues’ defense look like they were skating in mud. Then InvitedGN went on a tear, notching two goals and an assist, making the Blues’ goalie Wheelchairdevon8 look like a friday the 13th victim. It was a power play massacre. Two goals on two attempts? Talk about efficiency. The Blues didn’t know what hit them.

Final Score: Florida Panthers 3, St. Louis Blues 0. A shutout, boys! Popeskill locked it down tighter than a nun’s knickers, stopping all 13 shots he faced. Not a single one got by him. The Blues couldn’t score if you gave them a map and a GPS.

Stats and Standouts:

Alpha-33x: 1 assist, 3 +/-, playing like a man possessed. Nobody got past this guy.

Popeskill: 13 saves, 0 goals against, and a shutout. Probably could’ve had a nap in there and still kept it clean.

Jockurrr: 1 assist, 5 shots. Constantly in the mix, giving the Blues’ defense nightmares.

InvitedGN: 2 goals, 1 assist. The guy was everywhere, like glitter in a strip club.

On the flip side, the Blues:

SA_Pliskin: 4 hits but couldn’t do squat offensively. Just another body on the ice.

Sergein: 5 hits and 2 penalty minutes. Spent more time in the sin bin than he did making plays.

Wheelchairdevon8: 20 saves, but let in 3. Faced a firing squad and couldn’t dodge the bullets.

Chirps of the Game:

“Hey Wheelchairdevon8, you stop pucks about as well as a screen door stops water!”

“Sergein, nice penalty minutes! Bet you’re real proud of yourself, ya plug.”

“BenchBoss67, maybe try showing up next time instead of just taking a free skate, eh?”

So there you have it, folks. The Panthers put on a clinic, and the Blues got schooled. If the Blues wanna keep pretending they’re a hockey team, they’d better start playing like one. Keep your sticks on the ice and your heads outta your arses. See you next game!