SPNHL, Season 34: Week Three Review
By: Dirty-Dietrich.

Man, have you guys been to Boston Pizza lately? It’s fucking LIT. We went there for the Leafs game and the fights last night (we were there for six hours), and they got bottomless pop now so your fat ass stays quenched, this new pizza called the Triple Threat which is basically like a meat and cheese lovers pizza, and their cheesecake isn’t too bad either. Plus, no cover charge to watch Masvidal shut down Diaz? It’s PARADISE!

Week three of the SPNHL was not much different than the first two weeks: the Wings and Stars remained relatively dominant (we finally got a win over those big red bastards!), the Penguins and the Senators remained inconsistent (we won 6 out of our 9 games this week, while the Pens won 4 of their 9 games, fuckin’ shitters), the Knights and Flyers remained in the middle of the pack, and the Flames fucking sucked. But hey, at least good things are on the horizon for Calgary!

Ushkilledya had to step down because of personal issues, and we here at the SPNHL wish him all the best. While he stepped down, former GM El-Rookie has taken over the reigns and is trying to put out the fire (in the bad way) over in Calgary. The bottom three teams also include Nashville, who has been plagued by availability issues and bad attitudes, and Vancouver, who face a similar issue to Nashville in the lack of availability. With their stars showing up more often, they could catch fire (ha!).

Let’s see how our ten teams performed this past week!

1. Detroit Red Wings
Week Three Record: 7-2-0.
Trend: Upwards.
MVP: KAMAKAZ. Or LeCupidon. Probably the latter.

Kamakarry! The Red WIngs have one of the best goalies in the league and would lose even less games if they had him in net more consistently. The Wings have the most goals for and the second least goals against, and are getting stellar contributions in net from Kama while Freeze and Triix hold the line at D. Their top line has scored 35 or more goals each, while Cupidon has broken the century mark 23 games into the season with his 43 goals and 57 assists. But, as we discovered, HAVE ONE GUY RIDE HIS DICK ALL GAME AND YOU MAY WIN.

2. Dallas Stars.
Week Three Record: 9-0-0.
Trend: Upwards.

While the Red Wings are the powerhouse of the East, the Stars of the powerhouse of the West. Contrasting the Wings, they have the second most goals for and the fewest goals against. Their team is riding a 10 game winning streak, with contributions from all ends of the ice. Royal has more points at D than most players have at forward, while Chad is having another Vezina caliber season in net. MisterH, Grammy, Stonerboy, and Yesse are all averaging 3 or more points per game, while Bean is averaging over 5 per game and is the first player to break the 50 goal mark this season (51). The Stars are aligned, and they say victory!

3. Toronto Maple Leafs.
Week Three Record: 5-2-2.
Trend: Upwards.
MVP: I hate to say it, but Fishhure.

A big trade by the Leafs this week sent MG and Shepard to Vegas for NJ and Fishhure, in a move which many people thought would come back to haunt the Leafs. However, they shot up the standings with some great offensive contributions from their new acquisitions. Fluri and Lomax have found their offensive spark while new arrival NJ has found his groove with Gohawks in front of Vandoos. Fish has had such an impact on this team, and his 20 goals in 8 games is an outstanding number that will make this team tough to beat come playoff time.

4. Ottawa Senators.
Week Three Record: 6-3-0.
Trend: Upwards.
MVP: Truelegend.

Hey, we didn’t suck this week! The Senators bounced back from a disappointing 2-6 week to win two thirds of their games, scrapping it out and winning some close games against top teams (we took Pittsburgh to like 6OT and it was sweaty as fuck).
We stopped juggling the lines and started to develop chemistry, with JMM, Hughes, and I rotating between playing C and RW (usually decently), while True is carrying the team’s offensive production with 26 goals in 19 games. If Ciulla and Pulver can keep it up in net, we may be able to make some noise in the ploffs boiiiii.

5. Pittsburgh Penguins.
Week Three Record: 3-5-1.
Trend: Sideways.
MVP: Sudzy.

Well, after going undefeated in week two, the Penguins went on a cold streak (son of a BITCH) and performed quite poorly. It’s a shame, as this team showed what they were capable of in week two and delivered a string of poor performances this week. They have some solid defenders in Robb and Jamie who play well in front of Montoni, while the offense has been handled by Pool, Hockeygirl, and Sudzy, who is scoring at a 4 point per game place with 33 goals in 14 games to his name. They need to work on maintaining their consistency to keep their playoff spot.

6. Vegas Golden Knights.
Week Three Record: 5-4-0.
Trend: Sideways.
MVP: Ska-_-Noodle.

Sometimes, you’ve gotta do what’s best for business, and what might piss your friends off. That’s what Vegas did as they broke up their core of “boyz” as they shipped off Fish and GP’s brother NJ for MG and Shepard, with the former performing quite well and finding his offensive prowess on a line with GP33 and Noodle, who leads the Knights with 24 goals and 23 assists in 13 games. Shepard is the only natural defender and will pair well with FivepointOHH in front of Nathan or Daf, and this lineup will do some damage come playoff time.

7. Philadelphia Flyers.
Week Three Record: 3-5-1.
Trend: Sideways.

MISSthePLAYOFFS. Right now, the Flyers have the fifth spot in the Eastern conference, as the race for playoffs is so tight that if you have one bad week, you could fall completely out of the race. The Flyers need to start consistently winning games if they want a chance to progress past the regular season. The Flyers had a great start to the season, but have fizzled out and delivered poor performances over the past week. Rolla has carried this offense with his 37 goals in 18 games, along a line with Serv and Pete (which should be putting up lots of points), while Joe, Dats, and NYD can take care of business in front of Marv and Icey in net. They need to start kicking ass and taking names and take back the fourth spot.

8. Nashville Predators.
Week Three Record: 3-5-1.
Trend: Sideways.
MVP: Pucky.

Poor Redconcept, he lost his first overall pick in BK and his resign draftee Yeap has gone awol on him. However, the Nashville Predators have still put together a respectable record as they hold the third seed in the Western conference. This team doesn’t have a lot of superstars, but they have a lot of hard working players in Beaster, Ivan, AJ, and Pucky, who is averaging 3.5 points a game on a team that is lacking in quality defense and goaltending (giving up 120 goals against). If the Predators can get a stronger defense and goaltending core, they may be able to be this season’s Cinderella story come the playoffs.

9. Vancouver Canucks.
Week Three Record: 3-6-0.
Trend: Downwards.
MVP: was gonna be bstie, now it’s Uber.

So, either Sedin hasn’t been doing stats or this team hasn’t been playing any games. Tommyboii has the most games played at forward for this team with 10, while Bergy and Uber have been the backbone of this team with 13 and 16 games played respectively. Not to take anything away from Sliyum, who has played 15 games in net and has put forth some respectable stats. Bstie only has played 8 games for the Canucks but has paired nicely with Tommy, but Uber’s 17 points in 16 games is the highlight on a team that is struggling to ice a team.

10. Calgary Flames.
Week Three Record: 1-7-1.
Trend: Downwards.
MVP: Shadow. YIKES.

Well, not much to say for Calgary. The Flames were predicted to finish very poorly at the beginning of this season, and after three weeks, this is no surprise. The Flames have only won 5 games this season, but new developments have brought hope to this team. PGH and Sportsgeek aren’t the best but are a respectable duo, while Shadow, Rookie, and Kapanen can form a decent line in front of either Rookie or Bufford in net. Shadow leads this offense with 18 goals in 13 games to go along with 15 assists. This team doesn’t have the strongest core, but they have one that can win games, and Calgary needs all they can get at this point.

Alright, I’m gonna keep this short and sweet: we’re past the halfway point of the season and we only have 20 games left, so teams need to start making moves to solidify their lines and get ready for a playoff run. Players need to ditch the egos and stop focusing on points and make sure that they get the win. That should be the only stat that matters to teams for the next 4-5 weeks (regular season + playoffs), so you need everybody to get on board and buckle down.

We didn’t have an episode this past week (sorry about that) and will likely not have one this coming week because my girlfriend gets into town this Friday, and we’ll probably be banging it out on Friday and eating ramen on Saturday. Maybe I’ll give the GF the Switch and tell her to play L.A. Noire. If you don’t think that’s one of the best games released in the past 15 years, there’s no hope for you.

Thanks for reading, we’ll see you on the ice, and don’t forget to

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