SPNHL, Season 34: Week Two Review
By: Dirty-Dietrich.

On my walk to school this morning, I saw a shitty little Suzuki SX4 that had the license plate of DD-01. I was humoured yet antagonized, as I love the license plate (I may have to go back with some tools and “borrow” it), but was upsetting that it was attached to such a shitty car. Have you ever seen an SX4? It looks like an overgrown smart car. YIKES.

Speaking of YIKES, we saw a drastic change in the standings in the Eastern Conference after week two of the SPNHL, with a team that went 1-5 in the first week not losing a damn game in the second week. Kudos to Pittsburgh for pulling that off. Conversely, the Senators (what the FUCK) went from 4-1-1 in week one to a measly 2-6 (one reschedule) this week. It’s a testament to the small sample sizes from the first weeks being an inaccurate representation of a team’s true ability.

Or maybe not? Detroit still has only lost a game (well, 2 games but when you use a player you traded away that afternoon, that game can become invalid (god damn it Ush, you went and turned Shadow on and got his crazy ass muted)), and in the West, the parity between Dallas (who went 7-2 this past week) and Calgary (who went 2-6 with one reschedule) grew. Vegas was plagued by availability and forfeited half their games, Vancouver continues to underachieve (plagued by availability as well), while Nashville needs to figure it out.

Let’s take an in-depth look at how everybody performed this past week, as well as evaluate what changes need to be made as we approach the midway point of this season. Maybe some teams don’t need to change anything, while certain squads should just mail it in and tank for these next three weeks. We’ll answer these questions… right now.

Detroit Red Wings
Week Two Record: 8-1-0.
Trend: Upward.
MVP: LeCupidon.

I promise I won’t suck this guy’s cock as much as I regularly do, but Cupidon is pacing the league playing alongside the SPNHL legacy line. His 25 goals and 34 assists are good for the league lead, while his linemates have scored 20 (Money) and 26 (Reap) respectively. When your top line scores over 70 goals in your first two weeks, it’s hard to recommend any changes, especially when they’re playing 9 a week and living for it. Their defensive core of Triix, Freeze, Cookie, Tickler, and Puck are holding down the line, while Kama and Belak are pulling their weight between the pipes. This Red Wings franchise does not need to change anything at all. We just need to change how we’re playing and beat them.

Dallas Stars
Week Two Record: 7-2-0.
Trend: Upward.
MVP: Iam_mrbean.

YesC/Yessica and his offensive minded Dallas squad continue to dominate offensively (with Bean scoring like 13 points in a game the other night and immediately Chadding (sliding into my DMs and bragging about stats)) and with their talent pool (consisting of the best second line in SP with Side, Stoner, and Study Grammy), their momentum isn’t likely to stop anytime soon. Bean is one point back of the league lead with 58 points (26 G/32 A), while Yesse and Mister H are kinda far behind but still helping MVBean produce. Gamer and Royal have tremendous chemistry on and off the ice, while Captain is a solid backup defender. With the reigning TWO-TIME Vezina winner CHADTHEBITCH putting in work in net, the only thing this Dallas team needs to do is trade Grammy to me ok? Ok cool. Talk to you later Jess.

Pittsburgh Penguins
Week Two Record: 8-0-0 (one reschedule).
Trend: Fuckin’ ROCKETING upward.
MVP: Sudzy.

Hey look who decided to show! Sudzy showed up and showed out this week and got the Penguins back on track after a disastrous first week, not losing a game in week two and handing the Red Wings their line (recognized) defeat. Sudzy (averaging 4 points a game across his 8 games) and Hockeygirl have formed an effective duo with the latter leading the team with 37 points, while offensive contributions from Neeposh and Bundy will keep this team on the right path. Montoni is an excellent goaltender and Jamie and Robb make a solid duo the one night a week they can play, so they’ll need to make a move for a regular defender if they want to keep this pace.

Philadelphia Flyers
Week Two Record: 4-3-2.
Trend: Upward.
MVP: Rolla.

“NOW I KNOW Y’ALL BE LOVING THIS SHIT RIGHT HERE! THE MVP, ROLLaBACKWOODS IS HERE!” Limp Bizkit’s “Rollin’” is the perfect way to describe to describe they Flyer’s performance this week, as they won some big games to keep them in the middle of the conference as we approach the halfway point of the season. Rolla’s 23 goals are pacing a gritty Flyers squad, but a recent trade to bring in POSITIVEPISTOLPETE has finally given Rolla an offensive force to play with. Joe and Serv are good defensive forwards who can play D when necessary, while NYD and DatsALL will manage most of the defensive duties. Marv leads his team from the net while Shitterboyz (IceyAsylum23 (shocked he hasn’t changed his name to ThatGuyIcey)) will hold down the fort when asked to. The Flyers need that elite defender in order to thrive and move up in the pack as we approach the playoffs.
Toronto Maple Leafs
Week Two Record: 5-3-1.
Trend: Sideways.
MVP: SgtVandoos.

SGTVEZINA! Vandoos is turning back the clock and having a great season thus far, posting some of his best numbers in years. This has helped the Leafs keep the fourth spot in the east, maintaining consistency with a skilled roster that boasts Lomax, MG, Fluri, and Pliskin at forward. Gohawks and Shepard are a solid defensive duo, while the rookie Malf (sounds like MILF, heh) are holding the line (LOVE ISN’T ALWAYS ON TIME) while Vandoos is posting a solid 83% save percentage and allowing under 3 goals a game. The Leafs haven’t been scoring much, so they need to either figure this game out (as Plisk put it) or invest in an elite scorer, potentially packaging a few of their solid forwards for one.

Vegas Golden Knights
Week Two Record: 3-6-0.
Trend: Sideways.
MVP: Ska-_-Noodle.

I never noticed the cute little face in his name! Aww! Ska has 25 points in 8 games, but his solid performance thus far (actually, their other 2 top 3 forwards in Fish and GP have 4 points per game) is marred by this team’s lack of availability. They have all the makings of a top team: chemistry between Fish, GP, Ska, and NJ, solid goaltending options in Buff, Daf, and Polar, and decent backups like Ethan, Addy (hasn’t played yet), and Kingikillu (sounds Hawaiian). The issue this team has is dogshit availability, and it would help if each player wasn’t in three or five leagues. Maybe they gotta move some of the bIgGiEs for some people who will actually show up. Five better do that sooner rather than later!

Ottawa Senators
Week Two Record: 2-6-0 (one reschedule)
Trend: Downward.
MVP: Truelegend.

We fell this far? Fuck. Well, the Senators went from second in the East to the bottom of the East real quick, as we could not maintain a consistent offense this week. We’ve got all the weapons up front to do so in True (leading us with 20 goals), Hughes (sometimes showing up), JMM (can’t understand him), and I, with some solid defenders in Francey, Trout, Jugs, and Mikey. Ciulla and Pulverizer have played well between the pipes, allowing only 41 goals between the two, but they need their forwards to score. Bretzky didn’t fit so we dropped him, and we stopped juggling the lines, so the plan is to keep a consitent lineup and develop chemistry, or pull a season 29 DD and just fucking trade EVERYBODY.

Vancouver Canucks
Week Two Record: 1-4-1. (3 reschedules).
Trend: Downward.
MVP: BstieboyDP.

Speaking of dogshit availability, Vancouver had to forfeit one game and reschedule another 3 due to lack of availability, family emergencies, and so on. With a league as, not necessarily lenient, but as flexible as SP, this may be what they needed after an otherwise disappointing week. The Canucks are definitely doing worse than people thought they were, but that could be due to the lack of games from their top line of Bstie, Tommy, and Sedin. Bstie has 19 points in 5 games, and would definitely give this team a spark if he were more available. Uber, and Bergy have been performing well as a defensive pairing, while Shady and Turtle have had mixed results in net. This team just needs their top players to be more available, and everything from there will be smooth sailing.

Nashville Predators
Week Two Record: 2-7.
Trend: Downward.
MVP: Pucky.

Well look at ol’ Puckzone go! His 13 goals in 5 games are one of the few bright spots for Nashville, who have faced tremendous difficulty this season. With BK, his first overall pick, going M.I.A. and Yeap going M.I.A. but coming back this week, Nashville’s offense has been carried by Pucky, Ajota, Ivan, and Serg. This isn’t the best offensive line, but it does have some upside. I noted their defensive core may be an issue, and Red objected to it. Well, fucker, you don’t have a defender with a positive plus-minus! So SUCCME. Red and Single/Marek/Raptors/whatever are a good goaltending duo, but some moves must be made to acquire a solid defender to give these Predators a backbone.

Calgary Flames
Week Two Record: 2-6 (one reschedule).
Trend: Downward.
MVP: Arrowhunter, I guess?

Aww man, Calgary nearly had the feel good story of the week on Monday, winning 2 of their 3 games. Too bad their results were overturned after it was discovered THEY USED A PLAYER THEY HAD JUST TRADED HOURS BEFORE THE GAME. NICE. Montoni could have been their MVP had he not been traded to the Burgh, so Arrow’s 10 goals in 9 games will have to do for now. Shadow and Rookie have had good numbers up front, while PGH, Sportsgeek, and the Yesse endorsed Tripz have handled defensive duties. JxB could handle the job in the crease, but unfortunately for Calgary, they will likely see a lot of Ush in net. Ush needs a starting goalie and may have to package some of their offensive options to get one. They need it NOW. AND THEY DON’T NEED TO TRADE HIM.

Week two was a fucking rollercoaster man. Some great teams performing poorly in week one had a great turnaround, while some teams who started off hot went ice cold for the next 9 games. Now that teams have some of their main lines set, we can expect some more competitive games with fewer blowouts, and hopefully fewer people quitting the league. These next two weeks are what I like to call the formative weeks, so I advise teams to stay level headed and remain consistent. Over here in Ottawa, we got a little cocky, a mistake we won’t make again. I promise you. For those who had a solid week two, I recommend the same.

My birthday is tomorrow and I plan on getting piss drunk and watching Masvidal and Diaz beat the shit out of eachother this Saturday, so I’m not too sure about the status of SPNHL: Off the Ice this coming weekend. Maybe we’ll do it Friday? Sunday? Maybe come back next season? Who knows? We’re not very responsible when delivering this show.

Good luck this week, and we’ll see you on the ice!


One response to “SPNHL, Season 34: Week Two Review”

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