SPNHL, Season 33: Draft Preview.
By: Daddy_Entry & Dirty-Dietrich.

It’s about that time: the final SPNHL season of the current NHL title is upon us (thank fuck, I can’t wait for Frostbite), and it’s shaping up to be a spicy one. The Vegas Golden Knights returned to the finals in season 32 and in a shocking turn of events, swept the President’s Trophy winning Tampa Bay Lightning. The offensive prowess of Sudzy and eventual Conn Smythe winner Defenstrate/Cohen/Deon was too much for the Bolts, as Uber and co. got constant strokes of bad luck as they were dispatched in a highly competitive four games. Congratulations to SliyumShady, Sedinpower (that’s 7, holy shit man), and the rest of the Golden Knights on turning the season around.

These summer seasons are always exhausting, due to their extended lengths as teams will spend nearly 2 months competing for a playoff spot, and then an additional 3 weeks as they play for the richest prize in the Sony Playstation Hockey League: the Stanley Cup. This is no easy feat, as endurance and stamina plays a key part in team performance as we progress deeper into the season. Last summer season saw the President’s Trophy winner knocked out in the first round and the Avalanche dynasty win the second of their three consecutive cups. Will we see a new dynasty emerge this season? Eh Sliyum? Maybe we’re getting ahead of ourselves here.

This article is about the draft taking place tonight/tomorrow (this all depends on when Pliskin decides to post it, the draft is June 4th). First off, congrats to all the new GMs this season: At_ezzz, PoolMagician, Lomax, PghFANATIC, and Yesse. Lomax and Ezz have been GMs before, but the other three are on their maiden SP management voyages. Best of luck with management this season, and maybe pick up some Just for Men hair dye to cover up the grey that managing will give you (trust us, we’ve been there). Now, let’s get straight to team draft previews and transactions, starting with Entry covering the Eastern Conference!

EASTERN CONFERENCE
(by Entry)

Boston Bruins.
GM: ThePoolMagician

New GM, ThePoolMagician wasted no time in making his presence known in trade talks. Right out of the gate, Pool decided to resign and trade GrammyHands along with a 3rd round pick to Pittsburgh for the 6th overall pick in the draft. Now holding the 6th and 9th overall picks in the first round, there’s a lot of things that he could do here. Personally, if I were him, I would be looking at a Dman and a top Center right away in the first round. Players he needs to be looking for at 6 and 9 are players like Foxpresentation, SMiiRK-_-, Nehxc, Stamkos, and ACK-stonerboy. Considering he no longer has his 3rd round pick, I would definitely expect a goalie to be selected by the Bruins in the 2nd round. Obviously one would hope to see Chadkillz or Redconcept on the board still at this pick, but things don’t always play out how we want them to. With that being said, if Pool doesn’t have the option of Chad or Red, he should be perfectly satisfied with the selection of Ciulla or Giroux. I’m going to be a negative nancy and predict that this team misses playoffs, HOWEVER, if Pool takes full advantage of the early picks he has(which I honestly don’t expect him to), I can see this team potentially being a surprise to the league. We shall see.. Best of luck this season ThePoolMagician!

New York Rangers.
GM: Scalz_yanks_24

Scalz made the obvious choice and resigned DeathClown to open things up. On top of having a great player already locked in entering the draft, he has the #1 overall pick in the draft. Knowing how DeathClown is and what he wants, I fully expect the #1 overall to be his partner in crime on the offensive side of things. However, considering the Rangers approached me prior to DiirtyTriix resigning me, I wouldn’t be surprised if they go for their stud defenseman with this pick. Names I would expect to see slotted into the top spot of the draft board are Foxpresentation, I9I-Stamkos-I1Ic or Nehxc. You could consider myself surprised if any other name pops up as #1. Either way, they have tons of high quality options to go with for the first pick of the draft, so it should be interesting to see how Scalz builds this team around DeathClown. This team ultimately could be a massive hit or a massive miss in my opinion. If Death can play his game, not be aids and realize he’s not the greatest player to touch the sticks, this team will succeed. He will bring up anyone who plays on a line with him, his attitude is just inconsistent for my liking. Prove me wrong though (; I predict this team to be another wildcard who might surprise some people, however, it won’t be easy in this competitive Eastern Conference.

Carolina Hurricanes
GM: Uberpwned_6969

Returning as GM, this time wearing one of our million red jerseys, is a proven player and GM, Uberpwned. Entering season 33, he decided to resign AAli-21, who many know is a smart decision, as Ali is a great player (with a great salary) in my opinion. Heading into the draft with 2 very important positions already occupied by great players is a massive relief, so safe to say Carolina will be confident on draft night. With the 11th overall pick, I see a forward to accompany AAli coming off the board. Names like BK, Bidou, and Nehxc come to mind when I think of players to play alongside Ali. A surprise pick I know Ali will be looking for is Kred_14. Don’t let him drop GMs. The main thing I’m curious to see if whether or not this team ends up as a west coast connection based team or not. Expecting Ali to be helping Uber out a lot with his drafting, I expect that to be the case. Either way, I expect Uber to have a great draft as usual and will build a solid team. Even if times happen to get rough for the Canes, they’ll figure it out and find themselves playing for the cup when the season ends.

Detroit Red Wings.
GM: Reapz2313

NO KidMoney in sight, how will Reap survive? Find out in the next episode!

All jokes aside, the Red Wings looked very good heading into the draft. Resigning LeCupidon is already a great start, but Reap wasn’t done there. He traded his 5th overall pick in the draft to Minnesota for Gods3_3plan1, who is apparently playing C this season, which I think is fitting because he doesn’t play defense while on LD anyways (DD edit: fuck you Adam). If this is what appears to be their main forward line, I expect it to produce at a high rate, maybe consistently. Not having a 1st round pick anymore, the Wings have to wait until the 18th pick in the draft, where I think they could quite possibly surprise people and grab the best forward available to play alongside Reap and LeCupidon. If that’s the case, they have a great chance to be a force. Say what you want about the guy, Reaper gets his team together and they grind NHL together and enjoy each other all season. If he gets the right group of people through the draft in Season 33, he could quite possibly find himself in the top 3 on the Eastern standings and playing for the cup when playoff time rolls around. I would 100% expect these guys to make playoffs at least, it would be a shame to see GodsPlan not playing in the playoffs. Stay tuned!

Pittsburgh Penguins
GM: Lo-Maximus

Lomax has Plisk on his team, he already won the cup. #Rigged. (DD edit: I tried this strategy. It didn’t work.)

On a real note, an OG is back and ready to go. Taking GM of the Pens, Lomax resigned the boss man to start things off. Sitting in his brand new office chair in his brand new office in Pittsburgh, Lo hopped on the phones and got a nice trade done, trading his 6th overall pick to Boston for GrammyHands and a 3rd rounder. GrammyHands and Lomax on forward together should be solid, and I expect that trade to work out well for Pittsburgh. Given the fact that he’s been away for a bit, if Lomax is smart(which I’m very confident he is), he should be talking to Grammy and Plisk prior to the draft for opinions on players and make sure them 3 are all on the same page going into the season. I see the offensive production being consistent from this team just from Lo and Grammy alone. With that being said, on top of Pliskin being in between the pipes(I would assume), if the Pens can find a good defensive core and a good 2 way Center to play in between Lomax and Grammy, I expect this team to be solid. I don’t imagine this team being a bottom feeder, but I’m also uncertain and hesitant to rate them as a likely playoff bound team. A major deciding factor for me will be how they execute in the draft. If they have a good draft, I do see a potential playoff trip for the guys in the Burgh. Best of luck and welcome back Lomax!

Washington Capitals
GM: Kozmo while not playing?
(DD edit: yeah this is a new thing. This happened a few seasons ago when Jayscott didn’t have time to play, so he resigned Stamkos and another clown from the Leafs who went to the finals the season prior. The whole thing went to shit and Peacekeeper ended up managing the team and won the Masterton trophy. I think Sedin did it in the past as well and won the cup. Fuckem. Fuck you Koz.)

I don’t like the fact that someone can be the GM of a team while not playing in the league, but that’s besides the point I guess. The Caps roster consists of Ransom and Stiivii going into the draft, so they already look good. On top of having 2 good players on the roster already, they also have the 3rd overall pick. Who knows what Kozmo or Ransom has planned, I almost expect 0.50 players to be taken with their top 2-3 picks for fuck sakes. If you ask me, they go with J_marz, SMiiRK or BK in the 1st round. Any of those 3 players boosts their play on both ends of the ice, and alongside Stiivii and Ransom, that’s a good recipe for success. They’ll probably draft a rookie goalie that gets 30+ wins. All jokes(kinda) aside, if everything stays together and running well, this team SHOULD be top 3(at least) in the East. But still, I can’t respect someone playing fantasy hockey via SPNHL. If you aren’t going to play, you shouldn’t be in the league in any way.

WESTERN CONFERENCE
(by DD)

Chicago Blackhawks.
GM: Yesse

Well, for a rookie GM, Jesse is making a big impact and making it quick. Jesse took over the Toronto reigns from Shadow and resigned Norris Trophy winning Gods_Plan (fuck you Adam) and traded him for an all-time SPNHL great in Go_marc/Gucci_gui/whatever he’s called this season. That duo will be a force upfront, and with the 7th pick in the first round, Yesse has three paths he can take: he could nab an elite goaltender like last season’s Vezina winner (he who shall not be named (it’s Chad), he could get a great puck moving defender like SmiiRk, or he could fill out that top line with a dangerous forward like Stamkos. Given Yesse’s skill and his knowledge (playing in 3 other leagues), I believe this will be a dangerous, offensively minded team.

Los Angeles Kings.
GM: PGHfanatic

PGH is a GM selection that caught a lot of people of guard, as he takes over the Kings from “The Scrub of SP” PistolPete after a successful season that saw them reach the Western Conference finals. In past seasons, PGH found himself on free agency and wasn’t touted as the best player, but sometimes the mediocre players can be the best GMs (look at me and my President’s Trophy and my Stanley Cup :D), and taking over a team can guarantee you ice-time. PGH resigned JamieBenn, and interesting choice as they both are registered for LD. However, Jamie is versatile and is a very good forward, but may stay at LD while PGH moves to RD. I see PGH taking a forward with the 10th pick in the first round in either PremierPlayer at C, the aforementioned PistolPete at the left wing, or the dynamic mclub at RW. This will be a tough first season for PGH as he picks late, but has the potential to be a rewarding one.

Minnesota Wild.
GM: Peacekeeper/Marvin (just change your name back already, you fucking goof)

Marvin finished just out of the playoff picture last season, with the playoff spot coming down to (literally) the final game of the season in an intense game against the Jets. With the loss still stinging, he packed his bags and moved to Minnesota and has already made some big moves. Having the fourth pick already, he resigned GoMarc and sent him to Chicago for Detroit’s first round pick, and then he traded up to the second overall pick while also trading down to the 12th pick. Chaos! I have it on good authority that he takes a top forward with his 2nd overall pick (I won’t out you, Marvin), and I assume he takes a very good all-around player in Oriolerules with his 12th pick. Maybe this season you’ll make the playoffs, Peace. <3 Nashville Predators. GM: At_ezzz It's very interesting not seeing Vandoos as a GM, as he's been one of the constants in SP since my entry into the league 7 seasons ago. However, he still won't be in the draft, as Ezzz took the doomed Edmonton squad and moved them to Nashville. The choice to resign Vandoos was questionable (sorry Vandoos, you don't have the best track record), but Ezzz and Vandoos are a duo with a plethora of experience in this league and will be looking to bring glory back to a long suffering SP franchise. Ezzz can play anywhere, so he may focus on D while Vandoos focuses on goaltending. With the fourth overall pick being acquired from Minnesota, the Predators have lots of great options at forward. Given the old-school SP build of this team, I see a couple options in Cornect at LW, or Trout or Stonerboy at RD (who will likely end up playing forward). Given their high placement in each round, (I say this season after god damn season) expect Vandoos to make his triumphant return to the playoffs, with ezzz being the man to make it happen. Vancouver Canucks. GM: Diirty_Triix Triix built a very solid team last season in Vancouver, with the trophy collector in Bstieboy leading the way. However, FishTheBitch no-showed and Vancouver got swept in four games by the eventual Stanley Cup champions. Triix is starting out strong this season, resigning the former Norris winner in Daddy_Entry (sounds like some sort of Oedipus complex) who is playing forward this season. Triix and Entry are incredibly capable at both ends of the ice, but they aren't goalies. You've got a few world-class goalies who could do better than POOPY BRUINS did last season, so expect Vancouver's 8th overall pick to be a goalie in either Giroux, Ciulla, or Redconcept. Expect a playoff appearance from Vancouver, and expect big things out of Entry (thanks for the $$$). Vegas Golden Knights. GM: SliyumShady SliyumShady finally captured his elusive Stanley Cup as a GM, bringing the cup back to Vegas for the first time since season 27. A member of that team, Prodigy is making his return to Vegas in what will be a dangerous pair to start with, but now they face an uphill battle. With the last pick in each round, Shady traded up in the draft to acquire the fourth pick from Minnesota at the cost of his second round pick. With the fourth pick, I see the Knights drafting a top-tier defender, and a few options jump off the page at me. They either go with FoxPresentation, GoHawks, or Jmarz, a rookie in this league but a stud in others. All three of these defenders have the potential to win the Norris, and Shady's brain would be dead weight (and he can't keep his head straight) if he didn't figure out which one of these defenders to take (E-MINE-EM). Will Vegas begin their dynasty? Or will the Knights fail to recreate the success of last season? As Entry said prior, this season is shaping up to be a spicy one! With almost half the GMs not managing last season, there will be a lot of work to do: you'll have to get players who know how this game is played (backwards skating and five hole shots), players that get along with eachother (players who don't come to you after each game saying player X is shit and they're done), you'll have to manage the egos (people who can't play because their new three's league needs them), make smart trades (FFS don't give Shayne for Bufford again), keep an eye on standings (if the Cup isn't an option, don't just tank. Grow a set of balls), and many other factors. However, the draft is where it starts. You can have a shitty draft and make a bunch of smart trades and win a cup (dear Sliyum), or you can build a solid team built of great players who contribute at both ends of the ice and get along off the ice (Season 31 Devils, hey babes). This is arguably the most stressful night of the season, but also one of the most fun. Relax, believe in yourself, and draft a solid team. Conversely, if you're a player, don't get a big head from your draft position and don't get pissed off because of it. Go out there and bust your ass, no matter who your GM is. Grammy said three words to me a few seasons ago, and now it's my mantra going into each season: "cup or bust". Let's see who does what. What I do know is that Kozmo, Sedinpower, probably Reap, Pliskin, other guests and I will be providing live coverage of the draft, bickering with eachother, getting easily distracted by stupid shit, and more! It's gonna be weird not having Kidmoney call in and sound like he's at gunpoint as he makes his picks. Regardless, join us tomorrow night at 7:45 PM EST on www.twitch.tv/thespnhl_media to hear how everything goes down! I want to say a big thank you to Entry for writing this article and allowing me to collaborate with him. He's a great player, a great dude, and I wish him nothing but success in this coming season. Vancouver is one of my early picks in the West and I'm eager to see how they do. (Entry edit: Likewise my friend. This was a blast to do, and I’m looking forward to doing media work together this season and for seasons to come. Best of luck this season) Also tell Triix to draft me pls. See you on the draft board! Aha! DD & Entry.

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