SPNHL, Season 33: Season Preview
By: Daddy_Entry and Dirty-Dietrich.

The dust has settled on the draft for the thirty-third season of the SPNHL, and amidst a series of questionable decisions, we have twelve teams formed (we’ll get to those in a bit). With a bevy of new and rookie GMs, the draft can be quite intimidating for some, but most handled it quite well and built seemingly competitive teams. However, a successful draft is only a small step towards championship glory.

While the rosters may look nice and competitive from afar, it won’t take long for there to be some player movement. Teams have salary cap issues (Vancouver is in a financial crisis), some with a position surplus (half of Nashville’s team is right side defenders), and there will always be chemistry issues and egos running about. Will we see teams dismantle seemingly talented rosters within the first few weeks? Or will we have one of the more competitive SPNHL seasons in recent memory?

Your favorite Canucks Entry (fuck the Bruins BTW) and I took a look at the rosters, predicted some starting lineups, and projected where certain teams will finish. It’s a nice break from us playing club together and shitting the bed, where only Monokuuu could carry us to victory. Back to the topic at the hand, I’ll be covering the Eastern Conference while Entry will be covering the Western Conference. We’ll probably add some notes talking shit and put a heavy bias on Vancouver. Let’s go!

EASTERN CONFERENCE

Boston Bruins
GM: ThePoolMagician

Projected Starting Line:
LW: Pool
C: Fluri
RW: Rich2K8
LD: CaptainCanada
RD: ChiefTrout
G: Rancher

Projected Finish: 6th in the East.

PoolMagician is coming off the heels of a Stanley Cup Finals berth, and has built a very balanced team in his rookie season as a GM. I know Rich very well, and his finishing ability is going to mesh very well with Fluri’s playmaking ability for a strong top line. Trout and CapCan are solid defenders who will play very well in front of Rancher (one of the best playoff goalies in the league IMO). Outside of their top six, they have some good depth options in Turdburgler in net, while Nutty, Monokuuu, and Bufford are talented at both ends. However, with the Eastern conference being stacked this season, it will be very tough for a team that doesn’t really shine at any position to make the playoffs. Unfortunately this team doesn’t shine, and I see them (albeit respectfully) finishing at the bottom of the conference.

Carolina Hurricanes
GM: Uberpwned

Projected Starting Line:
LW: Bidou
C: AAli
RW: Kred_14
LD: Uber
RD: Shayne
G: Dafoumanchew

Projected Finish: 3rd in the East.

Speaking of players fresh off a Finals berth, Uber packed his bags and moved from Tampa to Carolina, and brought back some familiar faces in the process. Dafoumanchew returns after a fantastic bounce-back season in between the pipes and the Hurricanes’ back end is completed with Shayne as Uber’s defensive partner. However, this team will excel offensively as AAli will be flanked by Bidou and Kred for what will be an explosive top line. With backup forward options in Smokeshowjoe (SlapShotJoe, ShitshowJoe, etc.) and Sandy, the Hurricanes’ boast a solid offensive core, while their second defensive pair of Teamrun and Steelersfan are no slouches either. This team would thrive normally, but I expect them to finish third in the highly competitive Eastern Conference.

Detroit Red Wings
GM: Reapz (still don’t like the Z, no offense <3)

Projected Starting Line:
LW: LeCupidon
C: Faaa_Keue (u12bme)
RW: Reapz
LD: Gods_Plan (fuck you Adam)
RD: SmiiRk
G: Cartman

Projected Finish: 2nd in the East.

After the Hyper fiasco last season, Reapz shed the Winnipeg skin and moved east to Detroit and put together one of his best drafts in recent memory. He already started strong with Gods and Cupidon, but he filled out a top 6 with u1, SMiiRK, and the rookie backstopper in Cartman. (Entry edit: Cartman is my cousin and I love him, but if there’s going to be one thing that costs the Wings games, it could quite possibly be the goaltending. He could also steal them games though, so stay tuned) Detroit has arguably the best defense in the league, as U1 has proven a very capable defender while having Barzy as a backup to an elite starting duo. Barzy and Gods are also very talented forwards, and will be effective no matter where they play on the ice. Izzet is another rookie who is a backup left defender, while other backup options include Shroom-Souljah in net and hockeygirl at the wing, who can provide solid goal support. Overall, the depth that this team possesses compliments one of the best top 6’s in the league, and may lead Reapz back to the promised land as they will likely finish 2nd in the East.

New York Rangers
GM: Scalz_Yanks

Projected Starting Line:
LW: Deathclown
C: Deon/Nehxc/Defenstrate (fuck, pick a name)
RW: Shepard
LD: Scalz
RD: Notorious
G: Ciulla

Projected Finish: 4th in the East.

After a disastrous season plagued by availability issues and egos, Scalz has returned with a vengeance. With the first overall pick, Scalz selected the Conn Smythe winner in Deon, and proceeded to build around the dynamic duo of the Clown and the Cohen. With a couple solid options at RW, they can fill that top line with either Shepard or Neeposh, the quiet stud of the SPNHL. Scalz may slot over to play LD as they picked Notorious to play the right side, in which some criticized as coming too early while having many better options on the board. But who am I to talk shit? They picked up one of the top 3 goalies in the league in Ciulla to backstop them, while backing him up with IceyAsylum. With Deadant as a backup defender and steel as a solid backup forward, the Rangers have some decent depth, but the two stars of this team will shine bright and along with Ciulla’s goaltending, carry this team into the fourth playoff spot.

Pittsburgh Penguins
GM: Lomax

Projected Starting Line:
LW: MrBean
C: ServnSpike
RW: Lomax
LD: PistolPete
RD: Gohawks
G: Pliskin

Projected Finish: 5th in the East.

After a playoff berth last season, Pittsburgh is under new management as SPNHL OG Lomax returns to the league to take the reigns. Along with Pliskin, Lomax drafted a team that has some solid top line forwards in MrBean, JMM, and Lomax, as well as a solid defensive core in Petey, ServnSpike, and Gohawks. However, ServnSpike’s versatility will likely see him playing C, and having Visibility serve (get it?) as his backup. Kopitar can play C as well, so Serv may end up playing more RD than we expect. With Rowan serving as the backup to Pliskin, the Penguins are very capable in net. However, much like Boston, they face the issue of being a balanced team that doesn’t shine in a stacked conference. Expect the Penguins to finish just outside of the playoffs in spot #5.

Washington Capitals
GM: Kozmo

Projected Starting Line:
LW: Ransom
C: Jmarz
RW: Mclub
LD: Snake
RD: Stiivii
G: Shadow

Projected Finish: 1st in the East.

Fuck me do these guys look good. Kozmo pulled the old Jayscott and resigned Ransom and Stiivii, giving him an excellent start to the season. Washington then drafted Mclub and Jmarz to build that top line, while drafting Snake and Shadow to solidify the back end of their ice. This is the best top 6 in the league this season (in my opinion) and is going to be incredibly difficult to beat. With Extendo and FrankPompei as backup forwards, Washington’s depth chart is incredibly strong, while Kwhiss is a solid backup defender and everybody’s favorite MINORTHREAT will play a good utility role for the Caps. Overall, this is the strongest team in a stacked Eastern Conference, and you should be expecting big things out of them if Shadow can maintain the success he’s had between the pipes in recent seasons. Kozmo didn’t pay me to write this stuff, but a tip would be nice…

WESTERN CONFERENCE

Chicago Blackhawks
GM: Yesse

Projected Starting Line:
LW: Cornect
C: Yesse
RW: GrammyHands
LD: Executioner
RD: Eskimo
G: SukMyChinesePeen (Francey)

Projected Finish: First in the West.

The newly appointed GM of the Hawks, Jesse, is looking to capture Lord Stanley in our last season of SP for NHL 19 (thank god). With that in sight, he’s done pretty damn well preparing to attempt that goal. Prior to the draft, Jesse traded Gui for GrammyHands, then traded his 1st, 2nd and 3rd round picks for a couple 2nd rounders and a 3rd. It was clear that he had a plan heading into the draft, and he executed very well. Drafting Cornect and Executioner with those two 2nd round picks locked in a forward that, in my opinion, can and will drop A LOT of points if he plays at least 6 games, which I expect, and a solid proven Defenseman who has been around for a long time. With his remaining (kinda) early picks, he selected Francey for goalie, and my boy iEskimo, who can fit in with most and play any style needed, which will benefit this already great roster. With his starting 6 all locked in, he did a solid job grabbing his depth guys, all while keeping a bit of cap. Arrowhunter, Wheelchairdevon, TheMooCowTit, and PureMicro will play the role of backing up the starters for the Hawks. Ultimately, I expect this team to finish somewhere close to the top of the West. Great job building your team Jesse.

Los Angeles Kings
GM: PghFANATIC

Projected Starting Line:
LW: AgedEmbryo
C: FleshEatingAlien
RW: MG2452
LD: Jamie
RD: Dominus-Sage (this name is awful, go back to Dominando)
G: cgiroux

Projected Finish: Fourth in the West.

Catching a lot of slack after being selected to be a GM this season, PghFANATIC ignored all the hating people and honestly put together a pretty solid team. Resigning JamieBenn, he already had one of the most important pieces out of the way before the draft. With some surprise, the Kings selected cgiroux in the very 1st round. Taking no credit from Giroux, Pgh and Jamie must’ve had a clear plan for their draft, as goalies like Ciulla and Redconcept were still on the board at the time he was selected. After their ever important 1st round selection, LA drafted AgedEmbryo, Dominando, and MG to fill out their starting lineup. FleshEatingAlien, who I think is their best C, could quite possibly be one of the steals of the draft (they drafted him in round 8). Doing as surprisingly well as Pgh did, I don’t expect the Kings to be as bad as most expect them to be. I don’t expect anything spectacular, and I can’t say I plan on seeing them in a playoff spot, but shit, maybe there’s potential sleeper alert in LA. Stay tuned!

Minnesota Wild
GM: YuhYuhYuhYuhYuhMarv or whatever the fuck your name is now
Projected Starting Line:
LW: the beauty Gui
C: Oriole
RW: BK_0994 (fuck west connection)
LD: KC-44
G: YuhYuhChode (DD edit: this is excellent)

Projected Finish: Fifth in the West.

I’m going to be nice in the article portion here and refer to the Minnesota GM as Peacekeeper. After resigning and trading Gui, Peace traded for Gui BACK again (don’t even ask). Nonetheless, great decision, just confusing. With all that being done and out of the way, Peace THEN traded the 5th overall and a 2nd rounder for the 2nd overall, where he selected BK. At the cost, BK and Gui better tear up the league on forward together. If they don’t, Peacekeeper might regret giving up a 2nd round pick to move up. Besides that high risk potential high reward move, the rest of Minny’s draft was decent. Drafting Oriolerules in the late 2nd round, that solidified the already nasty starting forward line for Peacekeeper’s squad(I won’t say anything about Oriole, because if I say something Peace doesn’t like he’ll cry like a baby). Outside of the great forward line he built, I see a lot of potential for inconsistency and weaker play from the back end of this team. Players like NowYoDead, ultimategamer940, and KC-44 aren’t awful by any means, but I don’t expect greatness out of them. Prove me wrong boys. Outside of the standouts for Minny, depth players like Sandman, RaptorsFanEhh, Capone(oof), Trivium, and BigNasty_Daryl will hold their own and do their job. I want to say this team will be in the playoff hunt, but I can’t help but label them as a hit or miss at first sight. Unless Marc(Gui) and BK go off every game, this team might struggle in defensive battles.

Nashville Predators
GM: At Ezz

Projected Starting Line:
LW: Legendary
C: Stamkos
RW: Ezz
LD: Knees/Xibrokethedam or some shit (he has like 80 accounts)
RD: ACK-stonerboy
G: Vandoos

Projected Finish: Second in the West.

Well well well, a great GM has returned. Ezz is back, and he showed it right away, drafting a great team. This team he drafted would win every single SP cup if we were 5-6 years in the past. However, that’s not the case. With that being said, he still built a very good team. With his 1st round pick, he drafted ACK-stonerboy, who many think will be playing forward. I would agree with all the people saying that, if it wasn’t for the pick made just 2 picks after him. 2 picks after Stonerboy, Ezz went on to select the OG Stamkos, who is a solid player still. Many say Stamkos and Stoner have beef, we’ll have to see how that goes. As painful as this is to say, Ezz seems to get the best out of whoever he has on his team, so if he can control them, they’ll do great together. With their 2nd round pick, the Preds drafted Xibrokethedam aka Knees, who is a great player if you can get him to consistently show up. If there was 1 guy who could fully benefit from a Knees selection, it’s Ezz. Outside of the starting 6 (which I quite possibly could have completely butchered), the depth on this team is excellent as well. That excellent depth consists of longtime veterans Jayscott, Fivestarcoock, and Appler. CastroNY and aronaconda fill out the Preds’ roster; surrounded by the talent they have around them, I expect them to be perfectly fine. Expect Ezz to carry Vandoos to the playoffs(finally), and I can possibly see this team making something happen strictly because the depth they have. Everyone can expect Ezz to do Ezz things this season.

Vancouver Canucks
GM: Diirty_Triix

Starting Line: (I know the real one)
LW: Entry
C: Triix
RW: Dirty-Dietrich (fuck you)
LD: Beaster
RD: Redconcept
G: Chadkillz

Projected Finish: Not answering. Both writers are Canucks’ players.

Even though I play on this team, I’m by NO means going to be biased and suck us off. I’m going to do the opposite, hoping it lights a fire under our asses. I know the season has yet to start, but since clubbing together and scrimming other teams, the Nucks have looked really bad. Now to review the team itself, Triix resigned me, which I’m thankful for. After that happened, I assumed I would have some say in our draft. I was partially right, partially wrong. With our first round pick, we went out and drafted who most label as the best goalie in SP, chadkillz. I loved this pick, because right away we have top 5 players at Center, Defense, and Goalie. However, after the 1st round I’m quite confused with where Triix went with the drafting. Redconcept is a great guy, and a solid goalie/defenseman, but our round 3 selection makes my opinion the way it is. Triix was completely sold on getting Beaster, which is totally fine. But that then put us in a little cap trouble, plus having Beaster and myself already as options for LD, we don’t really need Redconcept for much more than a backup goalie position. However, Triix has his own plans, and I respect them and will show up to play my games and shut my whore mouth. Wish us luck!

Vegas Golden Knights
GM: FiVEpointOHHH

Projected Starting Line:
LW: Prodigy
C: PremierPlayer
RW: Cbthomas
LD: Foxpresentation
RD: Freefall
G: Sportsgeek5

Projected Finish: Third in the West.

The defending Cup champs are coming back for more. Vegas returns and they are looking to defend what is theirs. they have built a very strong case to make another run for a title. Resigning Prodigy was a great move, then on top of this high quality resign, they traded their 1st and 2nd round picks to get the 4th overall pick in the draft. With that pick came Foxpresentation, one of the best D men in the league. Not having a pick until the late 3rd round, they made the best of their pick, taking rookie forward PremierPlayer. Following the pick of his projected starting Center, they drafted Cbthomas, who is a very good winger. Filling their starting lineup will be FreeFall, who is proven in this league on both forward and defense. With their starters all locked in, they grabbed some quality depth players DJFreeze, OduyaLikeThat, BowDownFB, and Sportsgeek. This team will be back in the playoffs for sure, and honestly might have a chance to go back to back. Well done Vegas, good luck this season.

As the season begins on Monday, June 10th, there are many things to expect and many obstacles to overcome. We mentioned them earlier, but a good start to the season can negate all those issues. Some GMs build good teams with trades halfway through the season, but my advice to not only GMs, but to players is this: keep your cool. You may not like your teammates on the first night, whether it be on or off the ice. Communicate with them, develop a strategy, and get ready for 6 weeks of hell.

Speaking of Off The Ice, I may not be there for this week’s iteration of it, but make sure to tune in this Saturday night or whenever the fuck Kozmo, Reap, Pliskin, and more want to do it. They’ll be covering the first week of season 33, shit talking Kozmo for doing the smart thing and not playing, and so much more! You can also watch previous episodes at twitch.tv/thespnhl_media! I don’t need to tell you more. You know how to use the internet. Fuck off.

Good luck to all the teams this coming week as we kick off season 33 of the SPNHL! We’ll see you on the ice!

-Entry and DD.

(P.S. go Canucks or get fucked)

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