A Guide to the SPNHL Discord

By Dirty-Dietrich.

Prior to the past 2 seasons, much of the league chirping was conducted in a little textbox on the home page of this website. Now, it has been replaced by TITAN (very intimidating name), a widget linking you directly to the SPNHL Discord. The idea was introduced by current Ottawa Senators GM KOZMO (you have to say it loud and surprised, like that episode of Seinfeld where we meet Kramer’s mom) and has been a very effective medium for communication throughout the league. There are different channels where you can view announcements, rules, who to contact, and other information sources. It’s quite the handy system. Good job, KOZMO.

There are multiple admins to the chat other than KOZMO, like big boss Pliskin, the charismatic Cuban (my first GM, much love), and the Reapers (Reap and MrsReap). They take care of issues, introduce new bots (I want my +8ball back), manage rosters, and make announcements. The disciplinary committee of KOZMO (you’re everywhere, jesus), Tread, and Tsibs88 are also active in the Discord chat, handling those who disturb the peace.

Alright, now that we’ve gotten through all the roles and responsibilities of management, let’s get to why you might be here. What happens in this chat on the player’s level? What are some directions you should be taking? Who is Eric Cartman’s Dad? (it’s Iachoku)

First and foremost, the SPNHL Discord is a great way to make your name in this league. You can get your name out there by JUST TALKING TO PEOPLE. Stop being shy and ask questions, like if anybody is holding tryouts prior to the season, if anybody needs one for drops/clubs, or if you wanna play FN with any of the scrubs in this league (all of our cheap asses play it because it’s free).

Making friends in this league starts off the ice, in the Discord players lounge. Respond to memes, chirp with everybody, engage in discussions about stupid shit day in and day out (conspiracy theorists are in abundance in this league). Also, be ready for a lot of guys making sexual advances towards you. There is A LOT of homo-erotic behavior in this league (I see you Tread).

To help make your experience in the SPNHL Discord easier and more enjoyable, I have identified some of the key personalities you will encounter in the chat. Look for the following names and prepare yourself accordingly.

MANAGEMENT:

Pliskin: the big one. A good commissioner for the league, strict when necessary but knows how to have fun. Will rip you apart with words/logic.  (Plisk Edit: I didnt tell him to say that also cheque is in the mail)

KOZMO: Discord admin (“Nazi” in the eyes of some). He’s an asshole, but a respectable one. Don’t piss him off, or you won’t be able to speak/type.

Reaper: Reap is really chill. Chirps once in a while, especially when it’s Brownsville (we’ll get to him later). Great player and a great GM.

DC:

Tread: the unofficial face of the DC A really nice dude but always trying to fuck other dudes. Also likes metal. Bonus points there.

GMs:

RedConcept: man Red is so cool. Really nice guy, conducts himself properly, liked by almost everybody in the league. Like a cool jock.

JamieBenn: out of all the players to name yourself after, why BENN? Maybe he’s the real one, IDK. Solid dude, easy to talk to, great player, SHIT connection.

Eggman: My goodness he puts together a great team season after season. Try to get his attention. You’ll be in the playoffs for sure.

EL-ROOKIE: I played a losing season with El-Rookie and had a blast. Nice dude, a great GM to have if you’re in your first few seasons.

Pistolpete: a nice guy and very by-the-book. If you’re a dickhead, you’ll be given the dickhead and hypothetically get fucked by Pete/the league.

Hyper: a letter and a number, buddy. R2. Incredible player, not too talkative. His on-ice play speaks for itself.

Jayscott: affectionately referred to as “Gayscott”, another Eastern conference powerhouse GM. Not too much interaction, but generally respectful.

Tommyboy: HOW THE FUCK DID THIS GUY GET LIKE 3 PICKS IN THE FIRST ROUND. He doesn’t talk much but is funny as hell when he does.

PLAYERS

KingShadow: THE MEME QUEEN. Really nice dude, posts some funny and fucked up stuff, basically made the DC amend the Discord rules.  THANKS JOHNATHAN!!!!  (Jim jefferies ref click here)

Capone: AKA autistic Crosby, really easy to talk to and a vet of this and multiple leagues. Also not one to piss off. Doooon’t piss this guy off.

Bipolorbear: a shit disturber if there ever was one. Reap’s number one fan. HOW DO YOU SPELL POLAR WRONG? Gets ignored by Benn when asked to play FN.

Iachoku: one of the smartest guys in the league. An essential defenceman, as proven by Cuban’s past 3 seasons. Strong with him, bloody disaster without him.

MG: brother of GunzThe4th and lover of Tread. Maybe. The former is a fact and the latter is all but confirmed. Another goofball but a nice guy.

Jedi: pew pew pew, more like poo poo poo. A victim of the disastrous Season 27 Arizona, solid player who’s catchphrase gets a response from a bot. Nice.

Bergysdeke: this guy may be a next level conspiracy theorist. Maybe not. Cool dude, good player, either really fucked up or a massive troll. Maybe both.

Ransom: yeah this guy is definitely a conspiracy theorist. Guy is the definition of a devil’s advocate, but I give him credit for his free thinking. Good player too.

Gucci_Gui: Ransom’s right hand man. Those guys are lights out together. Pops in randomly, also had shroom and Reese’s pieces milkshake once. What the fuck.

Peacekeeper: IMO one of the more underrated goalies in the league. Poor bastard gets stuck doing night stocking. Better availability = VEZINA.

u_1_2_b_me: GFY. Another guy who had a bot introduced because of his catchphrase. A bit of an annoying prick but hey, welcome to the SPNHL Discord.

Dodgesblueshells: a dear friend of mine but a fucking troll in the chat. Great shut down D, will annoy the shit outta you for days on end, just for fun.

Ciulla: stole last season’s Conn Smythe from Westside. Bastard. Great player, I have no bloody idea how to pronounce his name. CHOOLA?

Toslick: a bit of an arrogant bastard but for good reason. Solid player. Maybe a little to big for his boots, once called “to-sh…” um… never mind.  (plisk Edit: dont think he would approve)

Gonzoarmstrong: I thought his name was a reference to Lance Armstrong’s career. It was a Muppets joke, dumb fuck me. LG big name, a bit of a troll.

Brownsville: universally LOVED by the league it seems. When somebody starts chirping Browns, EVERYBODY starts chirping Browns. It’s a community activity. (Plisk Edit: making friends here)

Seguin: a bit of an asshole. Former Selke trophy winner, but always tells people to KYS. Always tags people and says NOTHING. Kinda weird.

Uberpwned: constantly tagged by/tagging Seguin. Maybe they have an MG and Tread thing going on. This league is turning into a soap opera.

Dirty-D: your’s truly. I yell a lot and say a lot of weird/funny shit. Solid defensive player and I get carried in the offensive zone. Always willing to help you out.

The remainder of the league aren’t as prominent in the chat, but they still pop in there every once in a while. It’s usually people chirping, arguing over whether a game is a forfeit or not, irrelevant players chirping while getting carried, or talking about some weird New World Order philosophies or prophecies. There are some beneficial and rewarding conversations to occur in the chat, though.

My advice to you is simple. Be friendly, be respectful, and have fun. It’s a video game organized in a competitive fashion, but it should never get to the point where you make a god-awful diss track (Vibez and Alonzi, if you’re reading this, what the fuck was that?). Make friends, have a blast, play with new people, learn new things, and last but not least: #DirtyDForSelke. See you on the ice.

* Dirty-Dietrich.

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